Continued from Page 3
Take a look at the WCC, and the car behind !
BIKERNET CARIBBEAN REPORT–One of those times when everything happens, I mean everything, at the sametime. Sturgis, shop, bikes to be built, rides and shows. One day turns intothe next one and we don’t even notice, just the deadlines. The West Coastbike is done, first mock up, just some little details and it’s heading toour paint room.One customer saw the bare metal and primer, liked it, gone. It’s good butalso adds pressure. To top it, most of the summer bike events and rideswill happen this month, before hurricane season starts. Oh well , lets getto the news.
The HOG ride last Sunday brought 283 bikers, they slept over in theSouthern town of Ponce. I hear some antics went on in the quiet townplaza, burnouts galore, no helmets and noise, lots ofnoise……Tsk,tsk….I thought HOGs were all proper and well to do…..They rode up into the mountains to an Indian ceremonial park and then keptriding south for lunch.
June 24 is the 6th Jack Daniels BBQ contest, Caribbean Custom Cycles is apart sponsor of this event, there will be a bike show and booth displayingour latest bikes (hope I will have the WCC for then). We are trying to getsome “experts” from the U.S. to show up…..Hey Bandit, are you up to it?Anyway I will try to shoot everything and post it here.
Next Sunday is the Dia del Motociclista, motorcycle day at the racetrack,bikes of all brands show up to drag against each other and have a goodtime, also an impromptu bike show goes on.
Stanley’s, another local bar/ club, is going to have a biker night withprizes such as pipes and neon spark wires and special deals if you show up ona V-Twin. Caribbean Custom Cycles is the co-sponsor in this venture. Threedoor prizes will be awarded every night.
**** Special Report**** Seems like there is a wave of 5-ball kidnappingsfrom the bars in the San Juan area. All the bar owners are furious. “Justthe 5 ball is missing,” said Juan. “I bet it’s these fuckin’ rice rocketriders….”
Bandit will get a shipment of 5 balls for his trophy building venture inthe next few days, although the mailman bitched about the box being a bit”hot.”
Just received a set of Accutronix raked triple trees, they are TRICK! Sevendegree rake in 41mm wide glide, soon to come 4 degree in 39 mm wide glidefor Sportsters, these are killer trees.
Well let’s get back to my dungeon and work on the bikes, gotta coupleweeks, that’s it…….. Jose
Mums the word–Bandit
NEW GUN LAWS–H.R. 138 (Nadler): This bill would require virtually all handgun purchasersfrom any seller to obtain a state handgun license (and to have completed acourse and passed an exam) — and would require purchasers to wait for acheck on whether or not the license had been revoked. After two years, acurrent handgun owner would be required to have a license in order to keephis handgun.
JIMS GIVES AWAY NEW TWIN-CAM STROKER KIT–Don’t miss it. A chance to pick up 20 more horses for your Twin Cam just by clicking and filling out the application. Go for it.http://www.jimsusa.com/give-a-way/give-a-way.html
IT WAS GETTING CROWDED IN HEAVEN– so God decided to change theadmittance policy. The new law was: in order to get into Heaven, you hadto have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would gointo effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to thegates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me howyour day was going when you died.”
“No problem” the man said. “I came home to my 25th floorapartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But herlover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wifewas half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balconyand noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on hisfingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed insome trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked meoff even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I couldget my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thoughtof was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony andflipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack anddied instantly.”
The angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have abad day – it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, “OK sir.Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and lets him in. A few seconds laterthe next guy comes up. To the Angel’s surprise it was Vernon Jordan.”Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your daywas like when you died.
Jordan said, “No problem. But you’re not going tobelieve this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my dailyexercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushinghard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped,and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myselfby the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden thiscrazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stompson my fingers. Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes atthe bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m layingthere, face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, Isee this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It fallsthe 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. Icould get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself. “Very well,” theAngel announces “welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Jordanenter.
A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination andwar poured through the Angel’s head. Finally he said, “Mr. President,please tell me what it was like the day you died.”
Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m sitting inside a refrigerator,naked, minding my own business….”
ANOTHER DEAL OF THE WEEK–Laminated fiberglass custom hand made saddle bag and fender set withmatching air dam. Front fender is 6 inches wide O.D.; rear fender is 7 inches wideO.D.; the saddle bags are extra wide, measuring 8 inches I.D. The saddle bagsand the rear fender have built-in 1939 Ford tear drop taillights. This istruly the deal if you want a unique motorcycle. I have seen this setup sellfor over $2,500. SPECIAL $1,000. Contact: rogue@bikerrogue or visitweb site www.bikerrogue.com
SINGAPORE’S WORST JOB: WANKING ELEPHANTS–By Kway Png,
Last week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that they were settingup a bank containing sperm samples of all the wildlife under theirsupervision. At the same time, zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang binGoncang won a competition for “Worst Job in Singapore.”Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, the JurongBird Park and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissuein order to help preserve species. And It is Mr. Binatang’s job to collectthe sperm.
“Teruk, sial,” said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his rounds at 4 a.m.in the morning. “We start so early in the morning because a lot of theanimals have a ‘morning glory’ when they wake up, and it’s easier to collectthe sperm then.”
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice andTupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he’d just graduated fromSingapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature andanimals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place towork.
“I never thought I’d be giving an orangutan a hand job every morning,” hesaid somewhat ruefully. “And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissedfirst.” As we approached the orangutan enclosure, we saw the Zoo’s mostfamous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, andsporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed, and applied massage oil ontohis gloves. We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered andknelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes’ worth of squelching noises could beheard before Mr. Binatang emerged again. “So fast?” we asked. “He’s shy withyou strangers looking on and can’t perform today,” said Mr. Binatang with agrin, before silently mouthing “thank you” to us.
We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were sprawled lazilyon the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached. “Sayang, sayang,” said Mr.Binatang in a somewhat half- hearted manner as he put on a fresh set ofgloves and entered the enclosure. “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…”
Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several Tupperware full of viscousfluid. “Is that…?” we asked gingerly. “It’s not soya bean,” replied Mr.Binatang grimly. “Isn’t it dangerous?” we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent fora while. “They know I’m not there as an enemy,” he finally said, a glazed,faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, “Give that man atiger.”
Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his duties”with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, the giraffe and the gorillas, amongstothers. Each animal is different,” he said, removing his gloves, nowspeckled with traces of polar bear spunk. “The polar bears come ratherquickly, because they’re not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. Thechimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the mostteruk because of the size of its thing… sometimes I have to use both myarms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral. LikeQuasimodo or something. And god, when he comes, it’s like being sprayed byhot glue.” Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon. Thecooler box was full of neatly-labeled Tupperware of animal semen, which wereduly delivered to the WRS office.
“I don’t know how long I’m going to stayin this job,” said Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. “As you canexpect it’s really affecting my sex life. I can’t help it. Each time my wifeinitiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind.”The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang’s difficulties and promises that the semencollection procedure will soon change. But not because of the unpleasantnessof the job.
“It’s because the animals have gotten too used to Binatangcoming over every morning to pull them off,” said deputy assistant directorLai Jee Seow. “Many of them now can’t be bothered to engage in real sex.”
CANTINA DEALS–Sure it costs a whopping $1.65 a month to be a member of the Cantina. It’s worth it, goddamnit. But just in case you have a doubt, we’re throwing the money back at you. Every tenth member receives a copy of “Sam Chopper Orwell,” and weekly we give away valuable prizes of your choosing from Bikernet, Bandit, JIMS Machine, Samson Exhaust, Joker Machine and more.
This week we gave Paul Morris from Ventura, Calif., a XXL Bikernet T-shirt. Could be you next week.
A MAN AND HIS WIFE– are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loudpounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunkenstranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
“Not a chance” says the husband – “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife.
“Just a drunken stranger asking for apush” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“NO, I didn’t – it’s three in the morning and raining like hell out!”
“Well you’ve got a short memory” says his wife. “Can’t you rememberabout three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guyshelped us? I think you should help him.”
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into thepounding rain and calls out into the dark. “Hello — are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes the answer.
“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing” the drunk replies.
CHROME SPECIALTIES CATALOG UPDATE–Yes, folks, it’s true. Chrome Specialties has updated its catalog and its available for free on Bikernet. Just click and run. Before you know it, the catalog will be delivered directly to your door by a government messenger.Click Here!
ANOTHER DEAL OF THE WEEK, EXCEPT THIS TIME IT CAME FROM THE FACTORY–In order to bring the benefits of engine remanufacturing to an even larger audience, Harley-Davidson Credit is now offering a special financing program for its Engine Remanufacturing Program.
Last year H-D improved upon the already successful program by providing shipment tracking, increased capacity and a reduction in turn-around time. The addition of being able to finance the cost of engine remanufacturing gives every owner of an Evolution motorcycle the opportunity to rejuvenate his or her engine.
JOKER MACHINE MAKES ACCESSORIES FOR RIDLEY–Geoff the GM of Joker got his hands on a 265-pound, 3/4 scale V-Twin from Ridley and hauled it to the drags for the kids to ride. The more Geoff looked at the minature powerhouse the more accessories he noted he could build for the Oklahoma City manufacturer. So with the assistance of Richard, the Joker designer, he built five parts. Ridley is buying every component Joker makes. Check the Joker site on Bikernet or ridleymotorcycles.com for info on this new minature motorcycle.
I’M OUTTA HERE–I need a shot and the touch of her thighs. Damn, this news was a bear. There’s a brother, Bob T., outside on his Softail waiting to go for a ride. I met this guy 30 years ago in Long Beach. We rode to the Terminal Island Prison for bike shows back then. Of course we were too stoned to remember much of it. Seems he got pissed and ate a beer can.
I better move before the old guy passes away. Listen, I don’t know about you, but I love the sun and a blue sky, and of course the touch of her thigh. Try not to waste too many hours of the day doing bullshit work. Get out there and feel the wind, a cold can of beer in your hand and… We’re picking up some parts for the Buell this afternoon and that puppy will begin to go back together. Every weekend is packed with events, we’re busting our ass to prepare for Sturgis. Going a different route this year. I’m into my next book. Shit, I don’t know where to end the list and split. So fuck it, we’re burnin’ daylight, let’s ride.–Bandit
