Hey, I’m just a guy doing a job in a San Pedro ghetto. It’s a lonely vocation most of the time, hammering away at the keyboard 14 hours a day, and usually not accomplishing much. Sure I knock off to stumble into the garage for a long talk with the Touring Chopper. I pull up a milk crate and ask that low slung sonuvabitch, “What the fuck is wrong with you this week?”
Last week was somewhat the same, trying to off a sled to get Orwell published. I truly wanted to have copies in Laughlin–sorry. I plugged away at breathing life back into the Panhead. I’ve written three book outlines that I’m submitting to a faceless name in New York City. Then it was workin’ with Nuutboy on my next segment to HORSE magazine. Plus, there was that Ed Roth, the king of car customizers, interview for Hot Rod Bikes, and plans for Laughlin and the Sturgis 2000 run. It’s nonstop, until the weekend.
I wish I could remember Friday night, but it all became a blur as Saturday rolled around. I need to take better notes. But finding a pen and paper in a strange bed, at four in the morning, can be awkward. I’ll try to do better, though. Then Saturday hit like hurricane season. The flamed T-bird was out of fuel, and I had an Agent Zebra airport run scheduled in the early afternoon. After a bout with the weight room, I showered and buzzed onto the freeway. That Bird is similar to driving an electric go-cart, but the mat black paint and classic flames help–sorta. I swung off the freeway at Century Blvd. and drove through another L.A. ghetto to the airport. Why are airports always built in the center of ghettos? Zebra returned unscathed from another of his communist party meetings in Korea. Sure, he tells me he’s storming through an ad campaign with the largest manufacturer of automobile tires mounted to the Pacific Rim, but I’m not buying his line for a second. Hell, he doesn’t know a word of Korean. As I picked up the year 2000 conspiracy freak and his four gallons of water, I noticed the temp gauge in that fucking cage peaking. Fuck!
We had a meeting planned to promote his 1%er screenplay with some young riderless executives from Miramax Pictures. Zebra’s manager and his lovely arm-in-arm, Bella, would attend along with a couple of Hamsters, and Chris Chrome, the builder of the infamous Hill Bar. We returned to the shed, shoveled out last night’s party, and began to refuel. Zebra called Buono’s Pizza and ordered six gigantic pizzas with everything on ’em but jalape?os, and one with the peppers for me. We ordered enough beer to sink a small destroyer, and pulled out all the bikes.
Before the evening was over we broke a throttle cable, blew the ignition system on the touring chopper, burnt the rookie-rider’s boot beyond recognition on a set of 2-inch drags, and tested the Excelsior-Henderson’s ability to fly off a bridge. After entertaining, we went back to the bar for a night cap, only to start a brawl that lasted into the early morn. Hey, I’m innocent.
The next day it was odd. As I woke up, I couldn’t reach the phone, then discovering I was lying in an alley in a pool of 60-weight oil, it dawned on me that the Korean Communist Agent had to make a flight to Miami. Then the dower realization that the Bird was melting the engine block from overheating consumed my battered limbs. A thermostat was needed in the worst way. Auto parts stores are bizarre. Some 17,000 square feet of batteries, fan belts, and air freshners, and one Hispanic clerk who speaks broken English. I got the impression as she adeptly took me through an extensive computer software auto-parts program to ensure I had picked the absolutely dead-nuts-on thermostat, that it didn’t matter what car I had, how many cylinders, or what year–she was going to reach in the same drawer and pull out whatever thermostat was in there and throw it at me. She did, we blindly paid for the product and a new gasket, and drove back to the shed. We had less than an hour to take the old one off, replace it, and hit the road.
Without a variety of tools, we couldn’t reach the blistering bolts for this piece of shit with a torch and a hand grenade. With two minutes to spare the Agent lifted off to the other coast. I took the reliable 2000 Road King out for a final putt with a local bombshell in tow and enjoyed an afternoon putt to Walker’s Cafe to listen to the band, then it was off to a seafood joint on the Long Beach Harbor, then a club for a Cadillac Margarita, then… Well, the mayhem just started all over again. Goddamnit, let’s get to the news.
VICTORY PACE MOTORCYCLE FOR 2000– The Victory V92SC will be the first bike to cross the finish line at all 12 AMA U.S. Superbike Championship races this season as the official sighting bike for the 2000 Superbike Series. The Victory sighting bike made its debut during Daytona Bike Week at Daytona International Speedway.
AUTHOR COMES FORWARD TO PROMOTE FICTION– If you are interested (and have the literary guts and the beatific balls) to read (tracing the acidic purple-prose with your bony, arthritic finger; staring in disbelief through your red-rimmed, rheumy eyes; mouthing the iconoclastic words with your tremorous, thick lips) my latest mad-capped, illiterate and illiterated, mumbling musings, (in your heart-of-hearts, you really want it) try: go to the Fiction Section, then select “Gut Wrenching Gold” by Nuut Boy.
J&P CYCLES LAUNCHES NEW SITE– I just wanted to let you know that the site www.jpcycles.com has been completely redesigned. Thanks, Andrew Miller, J&P Cycles Internet Assistant, Amiller@j-pcycles.com, (319)462-4817 ext.8114
GINKO VIAGRA–There is a new drug called “Gingko Viagra.” Its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
HARLEY-DAVIDSON KICKS OFF BASIC RIDER TRAINING COURSE– Fascinated by the excitement and allure of motorcycling, but not sure where to begin? Introducing “Rider’s Edge – The Harley-Davidson Academy of Motorcycling,” where learning to ride is a fun, challenging, and rewarding experience. Designed specifically to meet the needs of novice riders, the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is rolling out at local Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships around the country. Harley-Davidson has been working with the National Association of State Motorcycle Safety Administrators (SMSA) and with individual administrators to ensure the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course will complement existing state motorcycle safety programs.
Select Harley-Davidson/Buell dealers in Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, New York, Wisconsin, and several other states are preparing to begin offering the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course over the coming months. Courses have already begun in Las Vegas and Albuquerque. By the end of the year, up to 40 Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships could be set up to offer the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course, with more locations to follow in 2001 and beyond.
The New Rider Course uses the proven curriculum of the Motorcycle Safety Foundation’s (MSF) Motorcycle Rider Course*, and all Rider’s Edge New Rider Course instructors are MSF certified. However, each New Rider Course is conducted with the involvement of the entire staff from the participating Harley-Davidson/Buell dealership.
Lasting a total of approximately 25 hours, the course includes interactive classroom exercises, plenty of riding practice, time to become familiar with different types of motorcycles, accessories and riding gear, and a behind-the-scenes look at dealership operations. Students who complete the course will be issued MSF completion cards, and in some states may be waived from taking the skills or knowledge portion of the state motorcycle licensing test. The training motorcycle used in the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is the new Buell Blast — an all-new single-cylinder motorcycle designed for casual fun, excitement and adventure. The Blast model’s course-friendly features include a low center of gravity, flexible turn signals, hidden muffler, and two seat heights that can be adjusted on the spot.
For more information on Rider’s Edge courses throughout the country, please call: (800)588-2743 or log onto our Web site at www.ridersedge.com.
LET’S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT, SHIT–The brand X riders just don’t get it. They blow huge amounts of money on the latest, new advanced technological innovation just to be the first guy on the block to have one. Well, I’m fuckin’ impressed, let me tell you. How fuckin’ shallow. The really great thing about Harley is that you can be the first guy on the block to blow huge amounts of money on something without risking that it might be advanced or innovative. That’s fuckin’ tradition, you imitation Ricky Racer fudge packer!
Bikers aren’t the lowlifes that they used to be; now “real” people ride Harleys, you lice-infested worthless loser.
Riding a Harley used to mean something, now any butt-reaming wannabe can get one. I don’t care if people think I’m an indigent scumbag but I don’t want them to think I may be a lawyer or a stockbroker. That would be yucky.
My dad can beat up your dad.
TIME MAGAZINE REPORT– From the April 17th edition comes this bit of trivia: We’re pressed for time and money, but Americans still have their secret passions. What would you like to do?
Travel to exotic regions of the world 52%
Own a business 25%
Learn a new language 23%
Go back to school 21%
Learn to play a musical instrument 18%
Buy a motorcycle or sports car 15%.
DID YOU KNOW?–Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
OUR FIRST COMPLIMENT– Hey, great site guys. But when are ya gonna get around to givin’ us the rest of the scoop on those Daytec frames? I’d really like some more info on their rubbermount units. Raisin pie to all. Mike
Hold on, it’s comin’.
EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ARRIVES IN LAUGHLIN–The Road Crew and Demo team will be set up at the Crystal Palace located on Casino Drive across from the Flamingo Hilton.
Planned events for the rally include public demo rides on the 2000 model Super X and Deadwood. Demos will start on Thursday, April 27, 2000 and run through Saturday the 29th. A brand-new accessory front fender for the production Super X will also be available for riders.
Co-founders Jennie and Dave Hanlon will be available for riders to hang with. In addition, their newest model will be at the demo site for your viewing. This model has a completely new and different front end. Stop in and check ’em out.
OFFBEAT QUOTES– Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. –Paul Rodriguez
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? –Lily Tomlin
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. –Jerry Seinfeld
STURGIS 2000 COMPETITION– Is alive and puking in the alley behind the world headquarters of Bikernet. The two choppers representing Bikernet East and Bikernet West will come to life under the esteemed tutelage of Wrench and his band of sick fuckers in the Bikernet garage. In other words, we’re building these bikes ourselves in the true tradition of the American Chopper builder who never trusted a shop in his life.
So now the fight begins. Who actually will get the garage, ’cause the other low-life flat-black sonuvabitch will be built on a milk crate in the kitchen of the San Pedro shed. Zebra and his chest pounding wrench turning team has a Paughco Softail frame to begin with, an 88-inch RevTech engine, a Baker 6-speed transmission, Harley-Davidson custom wheels, the Bandit II tank stretched by Russ Tom at Downtown Harley-Davidson in Seattle, and a Harley narrow glide front end. Bandit, well he’s way behind with a 98-inch S&S motor, a Daytec chopper frame, Weerd Brothers loooong front end, Road Wings wheels, Avon Tires, Performance Machine brakes and controls, and a Terry down draft Weber carb to pull it along.
Watch for photographic coverage of the disaster to come, in the Bikernet garage. Comin’ soon
AT LAST THE TRUE STORY OF SONNY BARGER–Sonny’s autobiography will be rolling off the presses at Harper Collins within the next week for shipping to book stores nationwide, official on sale date May 17. Check the Web site page called Tours & Events at for complete info on NYC kickoff, Route 66 tour, Hollister, and Sturgis appearances, and our trip to England for Bulldog Biker Bash.
ZEBRA REPORT Attempting log on to Bikernet.com world headquarters…Zebra calling from South Korea. It’s 1600 hours and I am awaiting takeoff. Very sick, some form of beef poisoning. Confirming rendezvous in Bradley International Terminal, LAX, at exterior arrivals zone. Cell phone will be operational upon landing. You are to be sober and on time, you accursed swine. We have a big meeting with the film pimps of Miramax, Fine Line, and Green Moon and it’s high time to sell this script and get on about the business of making a decent biker movie. Contact Marko if you have not already and make him aware of his required presence. Thomas is bringing down the troops from the north. I will be staying at your house Saturday night with a planned departure to Miami Sunday.
Say again, will be staying at Fort Horsepower Saturday. You are hereby commanded to have a cleaned and oiled .45, preferably an H&K or Glock, loaded with Federal hydroshocks, +P+ rated rounds, two spare mags, also loaded, with you upon arrival at LAX to turn over to myself. I am coming in unarmed, due to the rather conservative commie South Korean government. In fact, I would guess they are monitoring this transmission, as I took the liberty of soft-wiring myself into a local phone jack at Kimpo International, Seoul. Crafty firewalls these little devils had, but not quite crafty enough. I only hope this isn’t a digital line, as it will fry the modem in this monster’s new G4 laptop.
Also, you are to have one scoot, gassed, greased, and fully operational ready for me to ride, at Fort Horsepower. And get the fuckin’ grizzly bears out of the guest bedroom. If you forget to do so, I don’t want to hear any tree-hugger Greenpeace bullshit when I blow the crap out of the vicious bastards, like last time. Further, you are to have one bottle, seal unbroken, of Jack Daniel’s awaiting me, on ice, at Fort Horsepower. A hooker wouldn’t be bad either, as the women here are exceptionally prude and very fearful of “the big Viking.” Of course, knowing your crude luck with women, you’d actually have to pay a hooker to get her to perform. I will have with me roughly 20,000 Korean won, that is all I can spend. See what you can do. And no “nieces.” I’m not going to the can for prodding some 17-year-old chippie you spirited away from the local arcade with tales of meeting a famous international writer.
I will, in turn, provide you with a full briefing of the state of affairs of Bikernet.com Far East, upon my arrival. Much has happened since I first started our Far East office. They are eating lambs wool and dried weeds and serve frozen ice as dessert to lucky visitors, but things are sure to turn soon and the local staff is in good spirits. They have acquired two Dae Lim motorcycles. Dae Lim also makes urinals, which gives you an idea of just how much emphasis is currently placed on motorcycles in this backwards culture. That will all change soon, of course, with the introduction of Bikernet.com Far East when it goes on-line. These temporary food shortages should not and will not be allowed to alter our course of solidifying a Far East office. Speaking of food, this rotted beef delicacy seems to have gotten the best of me. Am breaking into cold sweats and enjoying massive stomach cramps. Be sure to have loads of medicinal Jack Daniel’s available to kill these dastardly bugs in my gut. It would seem some form of airport security has become aware of my presence on the airport phone system, as a great uproar has just occurred and seems to be spreading in my general direction, with a goodly amount of scrutiny taking place at each and every computer terminal. I think now would be a good time to log off and go deep undercover. I will see you in 13 hours, 45 minutes, Asiania airlines. You are to circle madly in the fiery bird until I land on the hood. Zebra, out. Special Agent Zebra, Bikernet.com Far East Seoul, South Korea
CAJUN CAT FISHING AND SUCH– Oh what a spring! Been awhile, Bandit, thought I would drop a line your way. Been enjoying your column since you are “retired.” Seems more full of life these days. It has an edge it did not have before. Probably due to the possibilities of daily chaos you have now exposed yourself to.
Glad to see someone is remembering Rip in their writings. I met him in Lafayette, LA, a couple years ago when he was chumming with his pard Bob Prejean.
It has been a wild ride these past few months. I got a call back in Dec. from an ex-lady friend. Seems she was wondering what I was up to. I promptly flew her down to New Orleans for a weekend of sex and voodoo. We caught up on old times beautifully and before you knew it, I was shopping for diamonds. I passed on Daytona (never again!) in exchange for her flying with my kids down to Key West at Easter for a week of thongs and fishing. Of course after all tickets and reservations are made she decides she is out of here!
SO!!! Do I give up! Throw the bait out of the boat. My son says, “Let’s do it!” Anyway, $1,500 later, after I buy two more last-minute tickets to go get my kids and rent a car for a week (wonder why they call it HERTZ? because the price HURTS!) the kids and I are still headed to the land of fried grouper and black beans! I will be looking for a boatload of Cuban women refugees to sponsor!
In a flash the news of what’s her names departure screams across mail lines and Monique that sexy intelligent coon ass in Denver exile is headed this way for what she terms “a bayou trash weekend.” I guess that means more sex and voodoo along with some boiled crawdads and 80mph rides along the levee on the Dyna looking for a roadhouse playing some Zydeco music at midnight.
Ride Safe, the Cajun Connection
Wedding Bliss– How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
IN CLOSING– I’ve learned something about friendship this week. I’ve learned something about love. It’s not like me to cloud up and create a mist here, but I’ve dedicated my next book to my 5th wife Rebecca, because she’s a tower of unwavering class, and although I put her undeserving soul through hell, she never lowered herself. We finalized our matters the other night, and I will take my hat off to her forever for her style and grace.
Now, take your hands and place them firmly on the arms of your chair and rocket your ass to your feet (if you can’t, get back to the gym). Grab your wallet, knife, pistol, jacket, vest, boots, and gloves and head to the garage. It’s time to ride.
–Bandit
