ByLayla
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Ready Camps
We are a new companyhere in Grand Junction, Colo., and I’m sure your readers would enjoy hearingabout us. We are trying to be at the popular scooter events across thecountry and can have a campsite ready and waiting when your subscribersshow up. We’ll also take it back down and clean the site afterwards. Takesall of the work out of camping out and leaves more time to do what bikersare known for, party!
If you are looking for a great outdoor vacation but don’t want to haul allof your gear with you, the folks at ReadyCamps might be able to help youout. They rent affordable luxury camps in the western United States. Youcan pick your own spot or they can recommend a scenic spot. For bikers,hunters, fishermen, boaters, mountain bikers, four wheelers andoutdoorsmen alike. If they can get a four-wheel drive vehicle there, theywill get a camp there for you. Imagine driving into your favorite spot andhaving a camp there waiting for you, including a 16-by-32 foot tent,generator, microwave, coffee maker, TV/VCR, fluorescent interior lighting,quartz exterior lighting, wood stove, cook stove, eating and cookingutensils, ice chests, beds, table, chairs, water, firewood, and fuel.Virtually a 500 square foot cabin in your favorite motorcycle eventlocation. You can reach us at (970) 257-0800; or visit us on the Web atwww.readycamps.com.
Thank you,
Dennis Thomas
Owner
ReadyCamps
P.O. Box 3172
Grand Junction, Colo. 81503
Dear Liberal:
Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment ofthe Taliban and Al Queda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration’s Liberal Re-training Program, you’ll bepleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detaineeunder your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered toyour personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuantto the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. Itwill be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conductweekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actuallybeing cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus thatdo not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative,although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven’t completelyremedied.
Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promisedefforts to overcome that “attitudinal problem” with your promised counselingand home schooling. He’s extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and canextinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We donot suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your nextbridge party.
He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from commonhousehold products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt yourmaid’s daily routine.Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage. “Doesnot play well with others.”
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That shouldhelp with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but isespecially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted. You take goodcare of our detainee now.
BUSINESS-101 Marketing Concepts:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.
The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME: ____________________________
GANG NAME: ______________________
1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has toreload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value ofthe restof his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricksperday must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 tomake20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and$100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how manymore corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If hiscommon-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left whenhe gets out?Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoethat spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and theaverageletter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eightounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in hisgang.What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor thateats 3small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a weekas a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week’s income?
10. Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joeloads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum,howfar away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
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