Hey,
We’re coming out with the news a day early this week, because tomorrow will be bananas. Yes, tomorrow we’ll be spending the entire day at Jesse James, shooting the shit out of everything: There’s that bike he just built; we need another segment of the Great Chop-Off between Bikernet-East and Bikernet-West. There’s a promo shot with the actors from Asphalt Cowboys, a portrait of my lovely self with Jesse James. There’s more tech, and more tech shots. All for the readers of Bikernet. Not bad, eh? Oh, and one of the staff is having a birthday and that will fuck us all completely through the weekend.
Here’s the latest from the site. A new rowdy fiction is up, and an article on Daytec, the frame manufacturer should be flying onto the site momentarily. In addition, the projector room is finally ready to roll. You’ll be able to check out all of our film projects, get involved with one of the movies, enter a contest to be have a star-struck walk on part in one film, and check out the progress of the others.
On another front, we’ve completed three book outlines for the agent in New York. Now it’s his turn to go to work to feed the starving author behind them. Hell, a diet of old pushrod covers gets boring after a while.
There’s a ton of red-hot projects on the horizon. We’re actually looking into a collaboration design of products with JIMS Machine and Tim Condor; we’re working on a rolling chassis design that we hope to bring to the market and make it affordable for the guy on the street.
In the meantime, with a new set of shocks for the Touring Chopper, it handles better than ever, too bad the paint is smoked where the fender heated up against the tire. I’m tearing into my Panhead. Baisley Performance built a set of dual carb heads for that puppy and it’s time to see what they will do. I stripped it yesterday. The heads are magnificent and two polished 42mm Mikunis will give the almost stock ’48 a different look. Other tinkering is going on, but it’s time to get to the news, the girls, the whiskey, and another blast on one wheel over the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro.
Here’s the news:
DEAR CUSTOMER– It has been brought to our attention by several Internet watchdog groups that the content of your site is in questionable good taste and makes repeated references to flagrant violations of both law and order. As your network provider, we would like to remind you that one of the stipulations in our agreement to provide you with iIternet access is that you maintain a level of acceptable decency at all times and that you obey all local, state and federal laws.
Please review the contents of your site and remove any and all references to lewd behavior, illicit drug abuse, murder, sodomy, sex with animals, Japanese motorcycles, John Towle and/or the Chinaman, overpriced melons, prostitution, sex with minors, especially those related closely to you, and disparaging remarks made toward the great leaders of our hallowed nation, like Bill “The Liar” Clinton.
If you do not do this voluntarily, we will be forced to go through your site and replace each offensive or vulgar remark with a pretty flower icon. Remember, globalization requires us all to fall in lock step for the Ubber Furher, big business and issue neutrality.
Yours truly, Big Brother
DEAR BANDIT AND STAFF– I work for a non-profit organization in Michigan dedicated to protecting the individual legal rights of Americans. Primarily we help obtain legal representation for those who can not find it on their own, and we try to educate the public as to their legal rights.
I am working on a brochure (“Live Free…And Ride”), aimed at informing bike enthusiasts of their legal protections. I would like to include some of the information from your site. Please e-mail me if this is permissible. I would be happy to include information containing a link to your site.
This will be for distribution in Michigan only. We do not in any way charge for these brochures. Your information would be extremely helpful to bikers everywhere. Your site is fantastic!!!
Thank You, Kate Crane Attorney Referral Service, Inc. Advocate Legal Services katcrane@gte.net
No problem Kate, go for it. We will do anything we can to assist bikers with legal protection. In fact, I’m in jail right now, and could really use some help. Ya see, it’s a long story, but I’m innocent, really I am. Call any girl in San Pedro with an attorney’s name. She’ll know what to do–thanks, Bandit.
A TOP TEN FINISH FOR HARLEY-DAVIDSON IN DAYTONA–The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Race Team left the Daytona 200 on Sunday with results that bode well for the rest of the season. Picotte finished in ninth place, while teammate Scott Russell ran hard until stopping due to a vibration problem.
On tracks such as Daytona, Picotte said, “It’s clear where the team will need to improve. I know our team will be working hard to increase horsepower,” he said. “At the same time, not every track is like Daytona.”
Indeed, the Harley-Davidson Superbike Race Team will soon be heading into a schedule more favorable to the sharp-handling VR 1000. The next stop on the AMA Superbike circuit will be held May 5-7 at Sears Point Raceway in Sonoma, Calif., where Picotte took third in 1999. “We had a great set-up at Sears Point last year, and that should help us be well-prepared this season,” Picotte said. “It’s always exciting to go back to a track where you’ve had success.”
NASCAR STARS HEADLINE VICTORY IN DAYTONA– Today NASCAR Winston Cup star Kyle Petty led nearly 200 Victory bikers on a ride through Daytona Beach. Petty joined Polaris Industries/Victory Motorcycles CEO Tom Tiller and Daytona radio personality Frank Scott of WHOG-FM for Victory’s second-annual Daytona customer ride.
As part of the morning festivities, one lucky biker, Kathy Grogan of Cocoa Beach, Fla., won a new Victory Motorcycle. Petty, Tiller and Scott announced the contest winner at the Victory truck and trailer prior to revving up for their ride.
After awarding the motorcycle, Petty, Tiller and Scott led the Victory caravan to Bethune Point Park for a barbecue lunch. Tiller rode a Victory motorcycle customized by master builder Arlen Ness.
“Now that’s what I call a Victory lap,” said Petty. “I’ve been talking with hardcore bikers here at Bike Week, and it’s easy to see Victory is really breaking out of the pack.”
THE BLONDE ATTACK–Yo, here’s the humdinger blonde joke to end all others–Zebra
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: “I’ve heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, Asshole! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor!”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!”
TWO-THIRD OF NEW MOTORCYCLE ARE ON-LINE– According to a JD Power & Assoc. study, more than two out of every three new motorcycle owners report having access to the internet, with more than half of those indicating they used the internet to shop for the bike they eventually purchased. Consumers in the sport and dual-sport segments show a higher propensity to use the internet. They tend to be younger and more educated than new motorcycle owners in other segments and are more likely to have access to the internet.
According to recent market study performed by the drunks in the garage at Bikernet, most of those bastards on line, are sneaking into the internet while at work. The rest of the time, they complain about not being paid enough and what a prick their boss is.
HAWAIIAN JEWELRY CONNECTION” The whales are at their peak and putting on a grand performance, so we have decided to pull out the kayak and get in the middle of it on Saturday.
“My still unfinished Web site is cathleenbunt.com, and I’d love to sell some bikers jewelry, but I only use gold and they’ll have to be into a somewhat classical style.
“Hey, I don’t mind being the wild woman from Maui. — all the best, Cathleen
She was wild, but don’t tell anyone–Bandit.
MORE STRANGE LAWS– There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
MAXIM STOCK QUOTES– Here’s another bit from Maxim magazine. They created there own guy-driven mutual fund called the Maxim 2000 which includes stock such as Home Depot, “They open three stores a week”. And soon the hardware store chain with have a major on-line shop.
Pfizer for their Viagra score especially if “given the reports that Viagra may be as effective for women as it is for men.” Bud, the king of beers, need I say more, and of course Harley-Davidson. Here’s what they had to report on our life’s blood:
“There’s no stopping the stock at cruising speed. In recent years Harley (symbol: HDI) has managed to expand outside the biker market. It sells leather, cheeseburgers, even insurance. The stock was up some 50% in ’99 and is still growing. Harley recently repurchased 2.4 million of its own shares, which means it’s investing in its future.”
Other stocks mentioned were: Qualcomm; Carter Wallace (they make Trojans); Cablevision and MGM Grand.
Dear Whiner (John Towle), I read your gripping account of black misfortune in the news this week and simply had to reply. In your woeful documentation of unspotted strife and high grief, you mentioned that you had your last worldly possession snatched away from you by the powers of legal evil, your 1947 Edsel automobile. Treachery! Now you’re on foot. I can imagine, being such a dumpy, sawed-off slob, what a dismal fate it must be to have to walk. Do your legs even work anymore?
From you incessant sniveling it’s obvious your giblets do not. Ruck up you crybaby maggot eater! You rat fuck whiner shit-for-brains! Why don’t you get off the pot and come clean. You married a WOMAN for Christ’s sake! What did you expect? Eternal bliss? Endless joy? Ceaseless fantasia?
Even the Chinaman is smart enough not to legally engage himself to a fuckin’ broad. Man, the next time I go to Korea, I’m taking you with me. You clearly need an education, you dumb motherfucker. You can buy a shot of ass with a glass of rice whiskey for a 1,000 won over there. You know what the exchange rate on a won is right now, you crybaby bitchkitty? A thousand to one. That means for one American buck, you can get a gut full of whiskey and a mouthful of fine Asian sushi that’ll “suck you wong time.”
You sound like Bandit. That empty-headed smallbore rider has had what, six wives? The guy would own Bel Air by now if he’d had the brains to just BUY the pussy on the open market. But no, he has to go and pay 100 times what the twat is worth on the open market by actually purchasing the vehicle.
Now quit your bellyaching and get busy drawing some fuckin’ cartoons, picture boy. You’re making everyone at the Titdome (Bikernet.com East) sick to our stomachs. With love, Zebra, Bikernet.com East, Miami Beach Eurotwat Division
DENNIS HOPPER ON EASY RIDER–I a recent Maxim interview Dennis Hopper said the following regarding an Easy Rider sequel, “Well, they can do a sequel without me. It might turn out great, but it seems like a pretty bad idea, if you ask me.”
HEY, HERE’S SOME JOKE’S FOR YOUR NEXT NEWS PAGE–As a blonde headed man, I’ve had many opportunities to be involved with women of the same color and I can honestly say, none of them ever knew I was a blonde. Wait, what was I saying? Zebra
Q: WHY CAN’T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.
Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE’S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.
Q: What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
MILLER BREWING & HARLEY-DAVIDSON PARTNER TO PROMOTE RESPONSIBLE RIDING– Miller Brewing and Harley-Davidson are joining together to promote responsible motorcycle riding in a program that will feature Miller Lite stock car driver Rusty Walleye. Miller Lite will make a contribution to the National Motorcycle Safety Fund based on Walleye’s performance on the racetrack in the three events in which he drives a Miller/H-D car.
Dear Mr. Bandit– I am trying to get my wife’s head unstuck from between the back tire and the back fender. I’ve tried extended burnouts, power jacking and high speed runs across town. Nothing works I simply cannot get her unstuck. I’m getting frustrated and the old lady won’t quit whining! People stare at us now at all the runs and it’s not the good kind of staring. I’m afraid I’m going to get into trouble with the DMV, too. Also, my insurance says they won’t cover her now, because she falls into the “additional chrome” category and my policy won’t cover add-ons. Any suggestions? Dave Jones, “Geek” Alabama
AMA’s Membership Exceeds 250,000– As of late February, total AMA membership rose above 250,000 for the first time in their 76-year history, marking an increase of more than 21,000 members, or 9%, over this time last year. The AMA has a history of pursuing, protecting and promoting the interests of motorcyclists. For more information, call (800) AMA-JOIN or visit their Web site at www.AMADirectlink.com.
Hey, we now have a legislative update running on the site and updated weekly by Mike Osborn, Oz@bikernet.com. If nothing else, every biker should be a member of his local motorcycle rights group. Write Mike if you need an address for your local MRO. These guys keep us in the wind year after year. Do it, and don’t come back until you have, goddammit.
DAYTONA CORRESPONDENT REPORT–Over and back Wednesday, over and back for Sunday’s race, in HFM corp. suite.
Quick takes…
What was once visceral, now corporate. Too many people, too sanitized, too orchestrated.
Remember when the ad slogan “Clean Restrooms Inside!” was enough to get you to pull over? Yeah, like that.
Hard to remember back when clubs claimed bars on Main Street, and woe be transgressors.
When the Cabbage Patch was known for pink slip drags, not dumb-ass coleslaw wrestling.
Some cat, maybe 6 feet, hauling around an 8-foot cross made in wood shop. T-shirt proselytizing about Jesus and sin, etc. Oh, this inside ER corral.
Too many over-the-hill ex-dancers waddling around in leather halters and mini-skirts.
Can you tell Titan from Royal Ryder from Pure Steel from, what’s this, War Eagle? Me neither.
All of this is just an old coot yakking. I talk about the old days. I’m the last one you’ll see rolling out a blanket with leathers for a pillow, anxious for a night under the stars. Uh-uh. I want turn-down service, room charge bar tab, clean sheets and plenty of hot water in the morning to even out the aches.
Stopped by E-H. Bad karma, right across from H-D. Waited around for 20 minutes or so to talk with Dave H. but he was out blasting around on the new glide front end. Which is sooo much better looking. ‘Ya gotta wonder.
Saw guy at Aprilia, but my pick for best corporate demo ride setup is BMW. They’ve got their market covered like vice cops at a hookers convention. A very innovative operation, with plenty of inspiration for others to copy.
Spent more time with Mike Berg. Guy’s off the scale. Willy G stopped by his booth. Folks had better be paying close attention to TMC. Time was they could care less what aftermarket did.
More later, -John
EXCELSIOR FLAG FLIES IN DAYTONA–Following are excerpts for the Orlando Sentinel: “Fans of Excelsior-Henderson, one of America’s first brands of motorcycles, may have reason to be optimistic.
“The company is not only providing test rides during Bike Week in Daytona Beach, it’s also using the world’s largest motorcycle event to introduce a new, lower-priced cruiser–a major surprise.
A cash crunch forced Excelsior to halt production late last year after about 2,000 bikes were built. Dave Hanlon said he could not comment on the status of the Excelsior’s reorganization plan other than to say he remained hopeful that a plan would be approved by shareholders and creditors.
The rumor mill among dealers and enthusiasts has a German company ready to take control of Excelsior.”
It seems a shame that the two new marquees in this country, Indian and E-H, would be owned by foreign entities. Certainly we have the wherewithal domestically.
THE FINAL BLAST– That’s it for the news. I know, it’s mostly bullshit and lies, but at least it comes with a toothless grin and a rib-breaking slap on the back. Listen, this weekend will be non-stop. No I can’t tell you who I’m seeing or what she looks like, or how many there are. It just wouldn’t be fair.
The above reports on Daytona Bike Week 2000 leave out one somber fact, that 12 riders were killed. Immediately the reports were that they were all inexperienced yuppies. That may be a contributing factor, but my belief is that when it’s your time, you’re history, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been riding 30 years or 30 minutes. Hell, I should have been run over about 40 times by now, and I’m still alive–I think. Anyway, my heart goes out to those riders and their families. At least they were doing what they loved.
Speaking of that, the sun is out, the girls are waiting, let’s ride, goddamnit!
–Bandit
