My dad has a 107 Merch motor and was dying to stuff it into a chopper, so we ordered a West Coast Choppers frame.

As soon as we got it out of the box, my dad didn’t like it; he wanted something with more stretch and rake. It just so happened that I had an H-D Evo motor and tranny at the shop, and I decided to build the chopper for the showroom. Parts were ordered little by little over the next couple months. Andy at Custom Chrome and Elizabeth at Chrome Specialties were great about getting the orders out quickly. If you follow the Bikernet news section, you might have an idea of the whole build. It’s taken 2½ months.

One thing that makes a project easy is knowing beforehand what the bike will (sort of) look like and what components will be used. With that in mind,let’s get to the build.

The salty Caribbean air and chromed aluminum parts don’t gotogether. We had some parts that were new but already showed chipped chrome, including the forward controls, triple trees and grips. They were going to be powder-coated anyway, so it didn’t matter. Besides, it was dead stock that we were moving. I’m not going to mention names but anyone with a keeneye will know the manufacturer.

The first mockup was so-so. The rear fender was back ordered and thefork legs were too long. The plan was a narrow glide front end and 19-inchwheel, to make it look longer. When we received the tank (WCC CFL,which is built and sold by Custom Chrome), it was wider than expected and theskinny front end looked out of place. It was ditched and a wide glidetook its place, as well as a 21 wheel-tire combo.

The rear fender was in, a Two-eight by WCC, made for the frame. Well,the radius of the fender was too much and we could spin the 200-by-18 Avon tyrearound with the fender stuck to it. Some heavy cutting and grinding tookplace in order to free them both. I was expecting a better fit from theWCC fender. With all the “custom” work we did, we ended up with about 8inches less steel.

Spacing the rear wheels and Exile sprocket/brake proved to be ahandful. WCC has a hidden axle that looks very cool, but you have to be pretty accurate to make the right spacers, since the axle will not be able tobring the ends closer for a tighter fit. The Exile sprocket runs prettyclose to the brake bracket so a minimal spacer had to be made. Hours wereburned measuring and re-measuring the fender and bungs position before tackwelding. We guessed that the chain would have clearance problems with thefender and we were right.

Full mockup: The motor and tranny aligned pretty well with a stock H-Dprimary, but were hell to align with a BDL open primary. The motor sat veryfirmly and no shims had to be used, but there was a small gap between theplate and the cases. We left everything loose and forced the plate in. I think the tranny plate is to blame. A front regulator/oil filter plate was canned after grinding a half moon notch to fit into the frame down tubes. That’s when I came up with the idea to hide the regulator on the open belt plate. The filter stayed in factory position.

Here enters the new owner. He saw the Jesse James video (like millions of people on this planet) and went to check out the mocked-up bike. He likedit and a deal was made. Before this, the bike was for the showroom and was being built at our pace. Now a deadline was set and all hell broke loose. By theway, I want to thank my girlfriend, Yoly, for understanding my overnightersand lending a hand.

We worked all night, every day to put this bike together beforeSturgis. When all was welded in place and molded, the frame and rear fender went to the paint booth. The tank had to be worked on, moving the bung to a lower location in order to get more gas. Panic struck when I arrived at the shopand saw the color. Our guys have the good sense to always spray a samplebefore actually doing the parts. I had hoped to have the bike ready for the Jack Daniel’s BBQ. Boy was I cocky.

The new owner pretty much left me alone (which was great), only coming bythe shop to see photos of the bike being put together and asking for some parts that he would like.

The paint was my idea — tangerine with metal flake flames. As luck had it, we found a quart of paint in stock and got the project going once more. What you might see in the latest photos was done in five hours. Fitting all the parts two and three times makes life much simpler. Some stuff was still giving us a hard time, however. Yes, the chain rubs the fender a bit, the primary was still a pain in the ass to align and the spacers are not totally right, but that’s easy stuff.

One thing that’s great is the WCC oil tank, which fitted right in and saved us a lot of welding and measuring time. I expected more from WCC, fitting wise. A fender made for a frame should go “like butta,” as well as other littledetails. On the other hand, it’s a bike that needs “thought” and experienceto put together, which is anti-Bozo builders. In short, it makes you becreative.

By the time you read this, the electrics and front end (I hope!) willbe in place, the front brake and perches from PM are on the way (we know theyfit) and that’s about it. Maybe I’ll have it in time for Sturgis…I have no choice.

A really important part of every build; Nothing can get accomplished byone person. There’s a team of people always helping, even the guy who fetchesthe Cokes is worth his weight in gold. Thanks once more to all of you (inour shop and anyone’s), you know who you are.

Frame – WCC Dragon Choppers For Life rigid
Motor – H-D 80 cubic inch Evo, triple 80, 80 cubes, 80 horse, 80 torque
Tranny – H-D 5-speed
Wheels – CCI chrome, stainless spokes, 21 front, 18 by 5.75 rear
Tires – Avon 21 front; Avon 200-18 rear
Primary/ clutch – BDL open
Rear fender – WCC Two-eight (heavily modified)
Gas Tank – WCC CFL (CCI King Sporty tank)
Paint – Tangerine House of Kolor Kandy, with metalflake flames
Forward controls – Pro One chrome chipped
Triple Trees – Arlen Ness wide glide chrome chipped
Grips – Pro One chrome chipped
Electrical – Caribbean (by Guti the Guru)
Sprocket/ brake – Exile Cycles
Front brake – PM 4 piston
Perches – PM “old style”
Pipes – WCC Hellbent (2 months back order)
Carb – S&S
Ignition/Cam – Caribbean secret

Back to the Garage….
 

Where to start? The heat in the garage has been severe lately. AsZebra’s bike takes shape under Wrench’s tutelage and expertise it’s readyfor lines and wiring, although we’re still digging in the garage for aprimary drive system. Shortly there will be a tech on the site about thenew line of engines from Custom Chrome. An 88-inch model is in place in thePaughco Chassis, along with a Baker 6-speed transmission. As for my sleekDaytec chopper, the frame is being built as we speak, the Weerd Bros frontend is on it’s way to me and the frustration is growing.

Drivinghard to stay on schedule didn’t prevent the heat from descending on the SanPedro shed. However, between burnouts in the street and the noise coming,at all times of the night, from the bedroom sparks and the grinders singingin the garage, I did manage to notice a greater police presence in theneighborhood. By Mother’s day eve it was time for a hasty retreat to thehills. Unfortunately the Agent flew in from Miami to check on the progressof his Sturgis Softail project and for some odd reason the calm dark-hairedwoman of San Pedro can’t stand his guts anywhere near the CaliforniaBorder. Zebra and I were called into last minute action by an agent ofMiramax films. We rode into Hollywood for a Jack Daniel?s injection at theMartini lounge on Melrose, then again at the dark and mysterious Cadillaclounge, before all hell broke loose. Usually calm and serene, I went off.Maybe is was the whiskey, maybe the women, maybe the pressure of the week,maybe that bastard Zebra who can’t turn a wrench with both hands and hisfeet, or maybe it was the young film executive who turned his back on me atthe wrong moment, but ice flew, glass shattered and the next thing I knewknives were drawn.

We could hear the sirens wail in the crescent moonand neon lit night as we made our way out of the seedy city for the hills.Zebra jammed to the airport without giving me the cash to complete hisbike, and I rolled out of the L.A. basin for the San Jacinto mountains, andIdlywild where I camped constantly as a kid. Fortunately Nuutboy whoendured Laughlin with us and is feverishly writing his account of themayhem in the desert, has a small tilting cabin in the granite and Pinetree strewn hills outside of town. I made it, just in time to scarf asandwich and a beer, and crash on the couch. But just as I was about tofall asleep a young woman touched my shoulder and in my haze I immediatelyrecognized the soft folds of dark hair touching my unshaven cheek. I was120 miles from L.A. through a half-dozen freeways and 30 miles of windingmountainous road leading 6000 feet into the sky. Where did she comefrom?

We better get to the news.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON OPENSROADSTORE PILOT ON VIRTUAL HIGHWAY–Now Riders Can Shop Online forGenuine Harley-Davidson ProductsHarley-Davidson enthusiasts rumblingalongthe information superhighway can now ride into The GenuineHarley-DavidsonRoadStore, a new e-commerce section of thewww.harley-davidson.com website, which opened its e-doors on April 3.Across the continental U.S., riders can purchase from awideselection of Harley-Davidson MotorClothes and Genuine MotorAccessoriesproducts shown on the RoadStore. More than 2,600 products areavailable forbrowsing, and more than 1,000 products are available forpurchase online.Products and expertise are provided by participatingHarley-Davidson e-commerce pilot dealers.

“Our RoadStore pilot combinesthe road-tested expertise and convenience ofour dealer network with thelatest Internet technology,” said John Crowell,director of distributiondevelopment for Harley-Davidson. “The RoadStoreoffers just another placewhere customers can get personalized, expertassistance from aHarley-Davidson dealer.”

Unlike traditional e-commerce sites, whichservice customers with acentralized warehouse system, the RoadStorecustomers are serviced by anetwork of actual Harley-Davidson dealers. Thisoffers RoadStore customersthe option of purchasing products to be shippeddirectly or held for pick-upfrom their selected Harley-Davidson dealer. Aconvenient Sign In/Sign Onregistration process helps enhance the buyingexperience for repeatcustomers; and registered visitors are able to saveproducts to a specialWish List for viewing or purchasing at a laterdate.The RoadStore is integrated with Harley-Davidson’s convenientdealerlocator, where riders can search for their closest dealer, learnabout theproducts and services they offer, and get a map with drivingdirections.

For more information, visitwww.harley-davidson.com.

DEAR FUCKO– I’ve got a nifty idea. Whynot put all the shit I wrote for Bikernet, on Bikernet? What do you think?To me it makes sense, as it was originally crafted for the Web site. It’sbeen some time since I wrote it, but the language should still becontemporary and I think it makes good sense. What do you think? If youagree, and I know how agreeable you are, I think you should give it a shot,you know, see what you can do, pull a few strings.

YOU DUMBMOTHERFUCKER, PUT DOWN THE JACK AND THE AIR WRENCH AND GET YOUR FAT FUCKIN’ASS IN THAT DUMP YOU CALL A HOUSE AND DOWNLOAD MY VIKINGS STORY OR I TELLTHE WORLD ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BEDWETTING PROBLEM, SWAMPSUCKER!Zebra

Whatta ya think, guys and girls? Should I give him abreak?

Dr. Dewey, our webmaster, responds:

Zebra, thefact of the matter is simple: people don’t care to read your overblown,self-indulgent and mind-numbingly long pieces of shit. After all, thereare only so many ways of working your wretched H&K 45 into a storyline.These stories tend to be nothing more than caffeine-soakedstream-of-(un)conscious strings of spurious drivel, not unlike the writingsleft behind by folks who shoot themselves in the head on an LA freewayoverpass during the live evening newscast. The length of your scribblingsalone is enough to send astrophysicists back to their labs to research newnumerical systems with which to measure the length of these so-calledstories. And in other corners of academia (outside of psychology, whichapparently gave up on you long ago), students and professors of literaturehave yet to gather up their collective jaws from the floor after trying tocomprehend the sheer volume of your meandering tomes. So get a clue. Writesomething interesting. And short. And leave out your H&K for once. Ourvisitors and our webserver will thank you, as will I.
Dr.D.

TECH FORUM–Do you offer a technical forum for riders toshare wrenching techniques. –Tom

Hey Tom, most of the mail wereceive contains tech questions. If I can’t answer it, I will send it toour resident master mechanic, Oz. We’ll find the answer one way oranother.–Bandit

LIFE’S REFLECTIONS–A lady came up to me onthe street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow wasmurdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses.Now I’ll have to kill you too”.

Future historians will be able to studyat the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the RonaldReaganLibrary, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

HOLLISTERHARLEY-DAVIDSON NOW OPEN–Yes, my new dealership is rolling. It is mysatellite store while we build the Morgan Hill building. Nace is a player,he needed something to do, and I needed some intelligent help. I will beopen in a week and a half. Start to finish in 90 days, blew people away. Goahead and put out a news release. address is: Hollister Harley-Davidson,203 E. Hawkins St. Hollister, CA 95023 phone 831-638-9400 hours are Wed-Sun10-7. Will go to 6 days a week in a couple of months. Full dealership,bikes, parts, service etc. –Dan Stern.

Dan and Nace were the leadersof Custom Chrome for years. Since leaving the corporate world they’ve beenfighting the immense desire to become drug addicts. Harley-Davidson savedtheir lives by affording them the opportunity to open a dealership. The twomasters of the custom world now own a dealership. It should be interestingto see the bikes they build.–Bandit

TITAN SHIPS FIRST INDY 500BIKE– Titan has shipped their first motorcyclecommemorating theIndianapolis 500 race event. The Indy 500 Titan has acustom, racing orangepaint scheme featuring the official Indy 500logo. This first productionversion of the one-of-a-kind bike wasshipped to Titan ofIndianapolis.

JON TOWLE RULES–Your site sucks. It sits in thesame spot for months. The only part I, er, we enjoy is the Jon Towle part.The rest of you should put a gun to y’alls head and pull!

DO YOU THINKLOUD EXHAUST PIPES ARE… Visit our website and ADD YOUR VOTE or just check out what yourfellow riders have tosay:http://www.americanmotor.com/headlines/news/news.cfm?id=1298

LoudPipes Save Lives–Bandit

US SENATE CANDIDATE CAMPAIGNS BYMOTORCYCLE– The Miami Herald reports that Willie Logan, a FloridaUSSenate candidate, has hit the road for a 60 day campaign trail fromextremenorthwestern Florida to Key West via motorcycle. Logan isaccompanied byapproximately 16 other motorcyclists, many ridingHarleys.

INSTRUCTIONSFOR LIFE–Take into account that great love and great achievementsinvolve greatrisk.

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

Follow thethree R’s: Respect for self. Respect for others andResponsibilityfor allyour actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes awonderful strokeof luck.

FLORIDA’S HELMET LAW REPEAL HEADS TOGOVERNOR FOR SIGNING According to a report by ABATE ofFlorida,Transportation Bill HB1911 has passed the legislature and is on thewayto Governor Jeb Bush for signing. HB1911 states that persons of 21 yrsofage may ride without a helmet providing they carry $10,000 inmedicalinsurance benefits for injuries incurred as a result of a crash whileoperating or riding on a motorcycle.

AMERICAN IRON MAGAZINE TAKES ON ANEW LOOK– Tastes great, more filling! American Iron’s cool new look islong overdue and very welcome. Creative Director Charles Queener’s revampis easy on the eyes, making full use of desktop tricks without OD’ing ondigital excess–John Siebenthaler of Siebenthaler Creative Services (727)397-5087.

AMA SEEKS BAN ON NAMING HWYS AFTER TRAFFIC OFFENDERSThe AMA is calling for legislation that wouldban the naming of highwaysafter serious traffic offenders. Theinitiative is in response to thetraffic death of AMA member TerryBarnard and subsequent naming of a roadwayafter the man who caused hisdeath, the late Tennessee state Sen. CarlKoella.

CHINESE PROVERBS– Virginity like bubble, one prick allgone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car getexhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

UPCOMINGEVENTS–The following listing was stolen from a reputable source, butif you have events coming up, big or small send them tobandit@bikernet.com. I’ll either show up and make a mess of a perfectlygood event, or list it for you.

1. Hell’s Angel Kickoff – Wed. May. 17New York, NY

2. Thunder in the Forge – Fri. May. 19 Old Forge, NY

3.Biker Days in the Osage – Fri. May. 19 Pawhuska, OK

4. Silver AuctionsPresents the Myrtle Beach Motorcycle Auction – Fri.May. 19 Myrtle Beach,SC

5. Freedom Weekend – Fri. May. 19 Shellsville, PA

6. Harleys & HotRods – Sat. May. 20 Pataskala, OH

7. Park Lawn’s 3rd Annual CharityMotorcycle Run – Sun. May. 21 OakLawn, IL

8. Multiple SclerosisMotorcycle Ride – Sun. May. 21 Camarillo, CA

9. 7th Annual Spring ThingMotorcycle Trivia & Road Run – Sun. May. 21Southfields, NY

10. MotorcycleRights Rally – Mon. May. 22 Harrisburg, PA

NEW CHOPPERBAR FROM HILL PRODUCTS–It’s the newCHOPPERBAR from Hill products. A mild apehanger in a completely differentform. Hell, Mr. Hill even designed them to be 31-inches wide to fit in yourgirlfriend’s apartment. They come with slots for wiring, and they’re thestrongest bar on the market. Sure, they’re bizarre, but you can order thesepuppies in three different configurations. In fact, we used Mr. Hill’s barsto do a tech on handlebar installation so to be posted on Bikernet. That’senough hype, here’s his Web site address:www.hillproducts.com.

STRANGE BUT TRUE– Winston Churchill wasborn in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Maine is the only state that isonly one syllable.

Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de NuestraSenora la Reina de Los

Angeles de Porciuncula” -and can be abbreviatedto 3.63% of its size: “L.A”

A cat has 32 muscles in eachear.

STURGIS 2000 BIKERNET CHOP-OFF COMPETITION EXPOSED–By Zebra.As with any builder project, there are always hurdles to overcome.Although generally those hurdles present themselves in the form of fit andfunction, rather than the actual builders themselves. Such is the casewith the Bikernet Chop-off 2000. First Jesse James at West Coast Choppersasked to tear down the Bandit II and build a rigid “West Coast Choppers”bike out of it to promote his new chopper chassis. Bandit agreed and Jesseimmediately tore apart his motorcycle. Based on this, we went to BillyLane at Choppers Inc., and asked if he’d be interested in taking on theopposing bike, mine, and build a chopper to compete with Bandit’s. Billyenthusiastically agreed and we began shipping engines, trannys, etc. Thebig motivation for the two small custom shops was of course, the publicitythey would receive as Bandit and I wrote from and about their creations androde them all over the country. They were interested in the massivereadership of Bikernet, now running around thirty and a half million visitsannually and growing. Bandit and I were willing to give the young buildersthis promotional value (as a professional advertising creative directorwith clients like Coke and Mercedes, I can tell you the cost to buyequivalent advertising space would run into the low millions due to theshelf life of the articles and extensive page length and exposures).

We did this to help promote some young builders. The project was in fullswing, I’d spent a day at Choppers Inc. crafting the first tech article andshooting pictures and interviewing the people there. Then, after tearingBandit’s bike apart, Jesse James walked off the project, citing a need towork on other bikes, leaving Bandit hanging with a basket case that wasmissing a good amount of its parts, and destroyed sheet metal. Inresponse, Billy Lane decided that without competition from West CoastChoppers and the residual publicity that he couldn?t rightfully carry onwith my bike either.

Like Bandit always says, “Time will tell and shitwill smell. “So, Bandit had what had previously been a working custommotorcycle lying in a pile, with a lot of stuff missing and I had an engineand tranny on the opposite side of the country from the Bikernet garage.Finally we decided to cut the bullshit. Bandit didn’t dothree volunteertours in Vietnam on a heavy cruiser and run 14 magazines for three decades,and I didn’t ride bulls for a living for thirteen years without learning athing or two about fighting until you get the damned job done.

Disgusted at the lack of commitment to finish what they started by ourtwo builders, Bandit the Bikernet crew decided to take matters into our ownhands (which is generally the best place for them) and build ourmotorcycles ourselves. It took five weeks to get the parts back fromChoppers Inc. Bandit is still trying to recover some of his parts fromWest Coast Choppers. Are we disgusted with these two small chopperbuilders? You bet. Bikernet works hard to bring to our readers onlytop-shelf companies and when one performs below what we consider to beBikernet standards, you’ll hear about it. It is my opinion that both ofthese companies have fallen way short.

We’re changing the direction ofChop-off 2000. The competition angle has been eliminated and replaced by abro-to-bro, shoulder-to-shoulder wrench fest. Bandit and I tease eachother a lot on the Web site, but there isn’t another man I’d rather ridewith or want backing me up in a jam. While we’re damned low on time andstill trying to recover property, we’ve decided to get together two runningchoppers and ride them proudly to Sturgis. With Wrench, Nuutboy andRenegade at our sides, we’ve called in all our heavy clients, folks likeRevTech, Weerd Bros. and Custom Chrome, Baker, Paughco Frames, Headwinds,Harley Davidson, and put them abreast of our situation and we’re receivingoutstanding support as always. Our new goal for the Chop-off 2000, to raceto Sturgis, with back tire fires and heads full of fresh Jack on ourcustom, hand built machines. Bandit and I are going back to our roots,building our own scoots, with our own hands, the way we like them, fast andsimple, no bullshit, no backing out. These will be independence choppers,American style, no bullshit politics, attitude, downtime and loss of parts.We just want to ride.

As for the vote to see which chopper the world ofbikers like best? I’ll still kick Bandit’s sorry ass from here to Lead andback, I’ll have his woman, his whiskey and he’ll have a view of my backtire all the way. For the first tech article on my Bandit crushing monster,see the new Chop-off 2000 link. May the best badass win. See you inSturgis. Saddle up and ride.

EASYRIDERS SUBSCRIBER SPEAKS–I’m asubscriber to Easyriders magazine and I don’t know what the fuck happened,but Bandit disappeared from the rag. I can’t find his name listedanywhere. At first I thought he took a little R&R down to some Mexicanbeach. But he never reappeared in the rag. Did he get pissed off and hitthe road or what? Bandit I relate to you ridin’ writin’ better thananyones. You tell it like it is without all the sugar coatin’. Seems likeI lost a brother since you disappeared from the rag. Let me know where youare and I’ll be sure to support you. I’ve been readin’ your words inEasyriders since I got my first pimple. That was a fuckin’ long time ago!Take care and ride free and safe. Oh yeah, as always this site is righteousand packed full of useful shit.

Hey, I’m right here, doin’ what Ilove best, ridin’, buildin’, writin’ and lovin’. Life is good, Bandit.

FIRST CANADIAN DRAGFEST–First Canadian Dragfest in Sanair,Quebec, Canada June 1-2-3-4, 2000 (www.dragfest.com) June 01…to bedetermined. June 02Drag motorcycle time trial AMA ProstarHot rod/ Musclecar day. Sound system competition Automobile elegance show. Liveentertainment June 03″Big Daddy Rat’s” Rat’s Hole custom choppercompetition. Drag motorcycle Qualification AMA ProstarGM/ Corvette day.Automobile elegance show and Miss Dragfest contest. Special Event Liveentertainment June 04, Drag race finals, Ratshole Custom choppercompetition finals. John Scottie’s Dealership Ferrari & Lamborghini ExoticCar Show.

DEEP THOUGHTS I think men who have a pierced ear arebetter prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.–Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. SoI grew hair under my arms instead. –Sue Kolinsky

I went into aMcDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at thecounter said, “Would you like some fries with that?” –JayLeno

BANDIT’S BEDROLL TESTIMONIAL–I bought yer Day-Roll andBed-Roll. I have to say, these are both waaaaay-cool!! Last week I noticedsomething similar to the Day-Roll at my local H-D genuine dealership –twice the price and half the functionality — none of these other rollshave ever been road tested. I especially like the placement of the zipperson the sides–somebody really did think about what they were doinghere–unusual. “Anyhow, people have been asking me about the Day-Roll so Iwill be doing a product review for our newsletter. Two thumbs up! Gary”Blues” Hayes Iron Souls Motorcycle Club, Oakland, CA

BIKERCLARIFICATIONS–Ex-Sportster riders are like ex-alcoholics. “Hi, myname is Bob and I once owned a XLH. I’ve been clean for ten years now…OneOil change at a time.

Harley is in a league with the trilateralcommission and the United Nations to subjugate us all. They are usingmarketing and black helicopters to artificially inflate the prices of thebikes we have a God-given constitutional right to. It will leave us weakand economically defenseless from their blue helmeted coming oppression.WAKE UP! You head-up-your-ass credulous fools!

DON CENTER BUILDSTRIKES–A Texas builder with a penchant for building ’em big builtseveral Borget bikes over the last several years and is one of Roger’sbiggest dealers. But recently, he ran into several brothers who can nolonger ride two-wheelers. He went to work and created this monster and isnow taking orders.

“I’ve seen tears come to guys’ eyes when they think they canride again,” Don said to me recently. They’re light, and faster than holyhell. Watch for a tech on Don’s trike, coming shortly.

DID YOUKNOW?–It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

IRONWORKSRETRO FUTURAMA–I hate to admit it, but Editor Dennis Stemp hit one outof the park with his twin-carb project Knucklehead bobster, the “Flyin’Fossil”. During the construction of this magazine project bike, it wastouched by virtually everyone in the industry. The attention paid to fitand finish is perfection. Wait’ll they get a load of this one down at theold biker’s rest home and social hall. –John Siebenthaler CreativeServices.

GRANDMA SPEAKS–Dear Mr. Bandito, I am a grandmotherwith 24 grand children and I had your site forwarded to me recently by myrotarian club. I was shocked and appalled by the blatant references tosexual misconduct and immorality on your Web site, as well as obviousreferences to excessive alcohol consumption and illegal narcotics use. Youclearly are responsible for all those young gangbangers out there who goastray.

I hate to think of what it must be like for your neighbors, whoare forced, according to the goodly Zebra, to watch you “stand naked on thefront steps of Casa El Horsepower and scratch your erect prod in themorning sun.” I may be an old woman, but I know what a “prod” is and I cantell you, the front porch is no place for such an implement of secrecy.You are a winged angel of black morality and should be dipped in scaldingoil and flogged relentlessly until you turn from your deviant ways. Pleasetake down this revolting and socially disruptive Web site at once and headfor your nearest church for a thorough confession- an event, which I wouldimagine could take several days. I will collapse upon bended knee and prayfor your lost soul and light a candle each day for you as I slip aboutnaked on microwaved applesauce with old man Bigsby next door. Burn, baby,burn, Mrs. Emma Luginsland

HAMSTER ALERT, THERE’S A LEAK IN THEINFORMATION FAUCET–I have a frickin’ migraine headache. Still fromyesterday. Owwwwiiiieee! But at least I get an E for effort that I’msittin’ at this computer. The weekend was good, went riding on Fridaynight and then down to the Joint, place was packed, bikes everywhere for ablock and a half. Doesn’t get much better than that. So did Joy fromSpearfish call you back about your room for Sturgis 2000? Go figure. Tryagain, ask for Joy or her assistant that is handling bike week. If youhave a problem getting to her let me know and I’ll give it a whirl too.Did you have a nice weekend? Did ya ride? Looks like Cooney is stillhaving a problem getting the guys to commit to Del Mar. I told him theynever commit that far out (6 months)! They only plan in advance forSturgis. Well I gotta get back to work! Have a spectacular day!Sgt. Patty

SHIT I’M GLAD SOMEONE ELSE SAID–Change is inevitable, exceptfrom a vending machine.

I took an IQ test and the results werenegative.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I know whatyou’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

THEESCAPE HATCH–All right, so there’s a fist full of unrelenting bullshitfor one week. Now it’s time to get out in the sun, feel the wind whistlingthrough spokes and well, we’ll see what happens next. Agent Zebra’s bikewill be wired and ready for a test ride in the next 10 days. I came downfrom the mountain just in time to meet the UPS truck and get back into thegarage.

Some years ago I started a book on veteran club members withphotography by Mike Lichter. We’ve decided to pull out all the stops andfinish it this year. It will contain 30 profiles with top-notch black andwhite photography.

We are creating anextensive e-mail list and will be sending out notices whenever our esteemedwebmaster, Dr. Dewey, decides that it’s in his best interest to grace uswith posting more material. Don’t forget to go into the registration areaand sign up.

I don’t know, from busted bolts and parts that don’t fit,but trying to build a couple of bikes by Sturgis is keeping my ass out ofthe streets at least on Tuesday and Thursday nights. But tonight is still afull moon, and she’s whispering in my ear that it’s time to tempt the slickdew on the bridge leading to the other side of town. So my weakness calls,I must ride. Oh, Orwell will be published in the next month. Thank themaster of Chrome, the devil of screeching steel, and the mother of velocitystacks.

Let’s ride.–Bandit

I wish I knew what I was doing half the time. After Laughlin, Iwished I had my reliable Street Stalker at home, or still had the RoadKing, then I looked at my watch, then at the calendar, then at the girlbeside me in bed, then the phone rang. It was Myron Larrabee, the master ofdisaster in Phoenix, “You got the rooms lined up for Sturgis? It’s justaround the corner.”

I sat bolt upright in bed and barked, “What’s it to you?” That’swhat I’m supposed to say, right? He barked back at me, “Why I oughtta…”and slammed the phone down. The guy owns two gyms, the Billet Bar, and theScottsdale Arizona Easyriders store. He can curl more than I weigh. Itwould only take one angry bastard, one hour to fly to L.A. So I grabbed thegirl at my side, threw on some shorts and hightailed it to the harbor. Ihad almost jogged two blocks before I noticed that my girl had no clotheson. We returned, spent another hour in bed and went back to the docks for aquick get-away. “Two tickets to Catalina,” I told the express boat clerk.

Catalina has a bizarre drink called Buffalo Milk. It’s atreacherous aphrodisiac made with Kahlua, vodka, milk, rum, Baileys, andwho knows what and is blended like a margarita. It makes men tell talltales and girls want to stay in bed. We had a couple and staggered to thebeach where she began whispering in my ear. I remembered my lastconversation with Mark Lonsdale (the author of Body Guard in the booksection) about Sturgis and grabbed a calendar. The Buffalo Milk wasn’tworking its magic on me, but it sure was on my girl. Her deep green eyessparkled in the sun as I counted the days until departure to the Badlands.As I realized I had less than three months to build two bikes, one Daytecrigid, Weerd Brothers creation for myself, and one Paughco/CCI Softail forAgent Zebra, I became increasingly paranoid. I could see the mainland, andkept envisioning a small burst of flames on the horizon as Myron reachedthe San Pedro shed and with his mighty bare hands, causing it to burst intoflames and burn to the ground. “Where’s Patty’s number?” I muttered, whichset the girl at my side into a rapid transformation from a sultry sexuallyhungry wench into a jealous psycho. “Who is Patty?” she snapped like apiranha with the smell of human flesh filtering between its gills.

“She’s the girl who knows all there is to know about Hamsteraccommodations,” I tried to explain. Suddenly I was not only paranoid thatI couldn’t build the bikes in time, but that my house might be in shamblesby the time I swam back to the mainland 25 miles across the treacherous,shark-infested channel, but that this hungry, dark-eyed, silken-haired,narrow-waisted, milky-skinned, sexual maniac at my side would turn on me. Iducked, and we’d better get to the news, before it’s too late:

EASYRIDERS OF DALLAS NEEDS MECHANICS–That’s right. Rick Fairlessof Easyriders of Dallas needs a couple of top-of-the-line mechanics to helphim make his service dept. sing. If you want to work at a shop that buildsbikes, works on performance machines and has a bustling cantina full ofwomen next door, call Rick quick, but keep your hand off my sixth wife.She’s only about 100 pounds with big brown eyes and long, mid-back brownhair and a constant smile. Sure, she’s only 12 years old and the boss’sdaughter, but we’re already discussing arrangements. So stay away fromLena. Rick’s number is (214) 357-0707.

INTERESTING QUOTES–“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? –Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody goingslower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? –George Carlin

HARLEY-DAVIDSON REMANUFACTURES ITS REMANUFACTURING PROGRAM–Remember last year when the factory instituted their Engine RemanufacturingProgram, where they breathed new life into Evo motors.

“The Remanufacturing program has been a huge success,” saidShulton Thomas, Parts and Accessories Marketing Manager forHarley-Davidson. “And we’re improving the program by increasing ourcapacity, reducing the turnaround times and providing shipment tracking.”

Remanufacturing is a perfect way to revive any Harley-DavidsonEvolution 1340 engine that’s seen its share of miles. It not only enhancesthe look of a used Harley–it restores the feel as well. Customers are ableto get back in touch with their bike’s initial power and performance. Wishthey would do the same for my ’48 Pan.

The process is a breeze. You take your bike to a dealer. He removesthe engine, puts it in a special crate and ships it via Federal-Express toMilwaukee. The factory disassembles your pride, inspects it, then thecrankcase, cylinders, and flywheels are remanufactured or replaced asnecessary. Old paint is also removed and fresh powdercoat is applied in thecustomer’s choice of silver or black. The engine is reassembled and hottested to make sure it meets factory specs, and shipped back to the dealerof your choice (hopefully it’s the same dealer who has your bike).

The cost: $1,995 for silver and $2,295 for black wrinkle. Shipping,removal, and installation are extra. For more info go down to your dealer,goddamnit, or call (800) 443-2153, or visit the H-D Web site atwww.harley-davidson.com.

HARDTAIL MAGAZINE LIVES– Buck Lovell who once was the editor ofHot Bike can’t keep his hands out of the magazine world, so hekicked over Hardtail Magazine. It’s a magazine devoted to rigidframe riders, in fact he’ll probably feature the Daytec rigid I’m buildingto fly to Sturgis on (I gotta git to the garage). Look for his magazine,he’s doing a fine job.

Ah, but wait. Every 3rd Sunday of the month he has a rigid ride-inshow with a bar-b-que, beer, live music, 1-6 p.m. in Corona, California.Take the 91 East exit on Green River, go right to the first light, turnright, 1/2 block turn left into the shopping center.Be there, be there, be there.

DID YOU KNOW? The name Wendy was made up for the book PeterPan.

ROYAL ENFIELD LIVES-SORTA– Last year I drove my truck to ArizonaBike Week with Jim Betlach with my Street Stalker loaded in the back. Iknow, that’s bad news, but one of the plans was to buy a Royal Enfield andhaul it back. I had the casholla burnin’ a hole in the bottom of my pocket.Ya see, I had seen one of these units and it reminded me of the years whenI was in my teens and in love with Triumphs, BSAs, and Royal Enfields.Couldn’t afford one then, and these were the spittin’ image of the oldones, except with turn signals.

Well, they didn’t have my unit and the one they had on display inthe dusty parking lot wasn’t running too well. Or was it the way Jim triedto handle the little 500 single? Well I ran into them again recently inLaughlin and here’s a couple of words from the factory: Not a replica or areproduction, this is the real thing–the original 1955 Royal EnfieldBullet, the oldest continuously produced motorcycle of British design,brand new and imported direct from the factory (in India).

For more information call (800) 201-7472 or check out their Website at www.enfieldmotorcycles.com. It’s kick only.

Over Two-Thirds Of Car-Motorcycle Crashes Are Caused By Drivers–NotMotorcyclists– According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, morethan two-thirds of car/motorcycle crashes are caused by drivers, notmotorcyclists. These crashes most often occur when a car is making a leftturn in front of a motorcycle operator; if a driver fails to check a blindspot before changing lanes; or in the presence of a road hazard like apothole when a motorcyclist needs to take an evasive action a driver wouldnot.

May has been designated Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month. Listen tostreaming audio containing comments from actor Francesco Quinn, an avidmotorcyclist who commutes to the set of “The Young And The Restless” on hismotorcycle at http://www.medialink.com/medialink/r00-104.shtml

THE FAMILY COUNSELING DEPT.–Then there was a man who said, “I never knew whatreal happiness was until Igot married; and then it was too late.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “Youknow, I was a foolwhen I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes,dear, but I was in love anddidn’t notice.”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wifewanted.” Next day hereceived a hundred letters. They all said the samething: “You can havemine.”

AS FOR THE SALT AS IN BONNEVILLE–There are a couple of thingsfrom a 2-wheelperspective

1. There will be a hell cat fight between the Harley team and theMotoguzzi dudes who cleaned their clocks last year (they even broughttheir own hot air balloon) so expect a flurry of new records swappingback and forth during Speedweek.

2. Bike legend Don Vesco is poised to take the world land speedrecord for wheel driven cars at over 400mph. As you might recall Donnailed the world bike record three times before Dave Campos.

3. Mike Cook has nailed a factory sponsorship from Pontiac–thisafter years of running Ford Thunderbirds.

4. The resalination project has been going great. The salt racers areexpecting a record year for course lengths. Theoperative word is hope, you never can really tell until the waterevaporates.

DEEP THOUGHTS– One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your bestfriends. If they areOK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I thinkmy wife is beautiful, but I only have photographsof her on thewall.

BIKER TRIAL BEGINS IN FINLAND– A murder trial against threemotorcycle gang members opened Monday amid tight security in a bomb shelterin southern Finland because officials feared reprisal attacks by rivalbikers.

The three men, of the Canonballs gang, were charged with murder forkilling three rival gang members and wounding two others in a Januaryshootout during a break from a court hearing in Lahti, 60 miles north ofHelsinki.

A fourth man was charged with assisting in the pizzeria shootings inwhich two outsiders also were wounded.

All four men, who were not named under Finnish law, denied the chargesMonday.

Detective Chief Superintendent Martti Hirvonen of the Lahti police saidthe courthouse was not safe enough to try the bikers.

“We felt it was safer to hold the hearing in the air raid shelter,”Hirvonen said. “There’s no doubt, there have been threats. After all, weare dealing with bikers.”

He declined to give further details of the hearing or security arrangements.

Police fear the Jan. 18 shootings could re-ignite a feud between rivalbikers in the Nordic countries in which at least 15 people have been killedand 75 injured since 1994.

During the past few years, no attacks were reported until the Lahtiincident in which Bjorn Isaksson, 35, chairman of the Bandidos gang andmember Sakke Pirra, 31, were gunned down. Also, Juha Jalonen, 34, a memberof the Black Rhino biker gang was killed.

“They (bikers) have a sort of revenge mentality in their culture, sothat if someone strikes at them they will, sooner or later, strike back,”Detective Chief Inspector Rabbe von Hertzen of the National Bureau ofInvestigation said.

If the three accused bikers are found guilty, they face up to life inprison.The hearing is expected to last four days.

THINGS YOU WISHED YOU SAID–As long as there are tests, therewill be prayer in public schools.

I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.

God must have loved stupid people ’cause he made so many of them.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

SEARS POINT POSTPONED, U.S. SUPERBIKE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND CANCELED DUETO RAIN, TRACK LEAKS–AMA Pro Racing announced today the Sears PointAMA U.S. Superbike Championship National Road Race has been indefinitelypostponed. Two days of constant rain and underwater springs leaking ontoturns one and 11 of the track caused dangerous riding conditions that couldnot be rectified. Merrill Vanderslice, AMA Director of Competition, madethe decision after attempts to dry the track were unsuccessful.

AMA and Sears Point officials will announce any plans to reschedule theevent in the coming weeks.The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Racing Team will now focus itsefforts on Road Atlanta, June 2-4, the next stop on the AMA U.S. SuperbikeChampionship tour – and home track for Harley-Davidson rider Scott Russell.

For more information about the 2000 AMA Superbike Racing schedule,visit www.ama-cycle.org.

WHERE’D HE GO?–I’ve been reading Easyriders mag for the last 20 years. I recentlynoticed that your name is no longer shown as exec. vp – editorial directorand I can’t find the Short Strokes column. What’s up with that? Rideforever, F. T. W.

I receive letters like this one weekly. So to set the record straightI’ll tell you a story. I worked for ER off and one for 31 years, since thethird issue in 1971. For all those years I busted my ass writing andreporting on a lifestyle I loved but didn’t get to live much, especiallyover the last 12 years. We worked too hard. Well, now I can live thelifestyle I wrote about all those years, write my books tinker with thissite, build bikes and ride. Plus I’m doing a little freelance for HotRod Bikes, Horse and the Enthusiast to keep beer in the ice box andJack Daniel’s in the cupboard. Simple as that.

OBSCURE FACTS– No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt.”

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of a $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

IN CLOSING FOR THIS WEEK– Believe it or not, I returned fromCatalina, the shed was still hanging on a San Pedro bluff, the dark-hairedbeauty was still on my arm, and I had more work to do. I buckled down onthe Sturgis 2000 project and Agent Zebra’s Paughco framed Softail was onwheels and waiting for the driveline before midnight. The Miami stationedbastard Zebra will be reporting next week. Wrench put in as many hoursdigging for nuts and bolts as possible before he collapsed. The challengeis written in blood. We’re riding to Sturgis, if we have to strap theSnap-on Bikernet tool box to the rear fender before we go. Who needslights, horns, and turn signals? We’re going for it. Now, I’ve got to getoff this damned computer and back to the garage.

Ride forever.–Bandit

I’m in a daze. As I fix one twisted item on the Touring Chopper, another prospective problem jumps out at me. The ride to Laughlin is hours away. Yesterday I rode out to Rivera in Whittier. Buck Lovell has asked me to come out twice to check over the belt drive and clutch assembly. Mel’s crew tore off my primary, checked the belt alignment, and immediately began to find problems. The belt on the engine pulley will always track to the outside. If the guard doesn’t hold it back, the ring gear on the clutch hub will interfere with the belt. That was happening to mine. The clutch spring should also be slightly convex, mine was not. Then when they pulled off the hub they discovered the wrong bearing, which was vibrating badly. The Rivera crew worked quickly and efficiently to repair the primary drive and I hit the road with a much smoother operating clutch. If you have any problems with your Primo primary drive, don’t hesitate to call Buck. If you can bring it by their shop, they’ll check it out. If not, you can do it at home with their coaching. I need to check the spacing on the Works Performance shocks; I changed the plugs and with any luck I’m golden for the trip. Yeah right!

Giggie at Compu-Fire checked the Pan cylinders and pistons, and we determined that the scuffing on the pistons was extreme and they had to be re-bored. They are currently on their way to Departure Bike Works in Richmond, Virginia, for re-boring. If you’re in the neighborhood, you’re lucky. Lee Clemens and Brenda, his wife, have run this shop for decades. If you need anything, Lee will know the answer. If he doesn’t, he’ll ask Brenda.

In the meantime, the desert awaits the thunder of thousands of bikers heading out. Trouble is, I can’t find anyone who is actually riding out. All the tough motherfuckers I call, already have their bikes tied to trailers.

Let’s get to the news.

NHRA WEEK OF THUNDER PRESENTED BY SCREAMIN’ EAGLE PERFORMANCE– Screamin’ Eagle performance parts by Harley-Davidson and the National Hot Rod Association (NHRA) have formed a partnership designed to promote Screamin’ Eagle high-performance products at select NHRA Winston Drag Racing Series events in 2000.

Each “Week of Thunder presented by Screamin’ Eagle” promotion (Pomona, Calif., Feb. 3-6; Gainesville, Fla., March 16-19; Atlanta, Ga., May 4-7; Columbus, Ohio, June 15-18; Indianapolis, Ind., Aug. 30-Sept. 4) features a Thursday kick-off Fan Fest, featuring a live radio remote, live band, and autograph sessions with many of NHRA’s top drivers. On Friday, several World Wrestling Federation (WWF) stars will host a fan appreciation autograph session. Saturday’s highlight is the presentation of a 2000 Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide motorcycle to one lucky winner.

The Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide has a limited production of 1,550 units, each with a suggested retail price of $22,495.

For additional information on the Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide and Harley-Davidson Genuine Motor Parts and Genuine Motor Accessories, visit the Harley-Davidson Web site at www.harley-davidson.com. To find a dealer near you, call toll free 800-443-2153 in the USA and Canada.

GEMS OF WISDOM Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

QUEBEC’S BIKER-GANG WARS ERUPT– The fatal shooting this week of an elite member of the Hells Angels appears to have triggered a new wave of violence in Quebec’s biker-gang wars. With a total of three bikers killed in recent days, expert investigators say there’s no way of knowing how far the attacks, and the ensuing retaliation, will extend in the gangs’ six-year battle for control of the drug trade.

The bloodshed started Monday when Norman Hamel was chased through a parking lot in suburban Laval and killed by two gunshots. Hamel, 44, was a member of the Hells Angels’ elite Nomad chapter in Quebec and was said to be close to the gang’s reputed head, Maurice (Mom) Boucher. On Wednesday, another biker believed to be associated with the Hells Angels was found dead near a ski center in Piedmont, north of the city. Provincial police said Francis Carriere, 31, appeared to have been shot.

The latest incident was the death Thursday of a 32-year-old man reported to have connections with a biker gang at odds with the Hells Angels. Police found the body of Salvatore Gervasi in the trunk of his Porsche on a residential street in St. Leonard, just east of Montreal, after he had been reported missing by his father. The all news channel of the TVA television network reported that Gervasi had once been associated with the Rock Machine, a rival gang to the Hells Angels, and had been approached about switching sides. Experts on biker gangs say retaliation should come as no surprise in the wake of such killings, especially when an elite member such as Hamel is targeted.

“This might accelerate things again and there will be another wave of settling scores,” said RCMP Staff Sgt. Jean-Pierre Levesque, an expert on biker gangs with Criminal Intelligence Service Canada in Ottawa.

More than 135 people have been killed in Quebec’s biker-gang wars since the rivalry between the Hells Angels and Rock Machine first heated up in 1994. One victim was an 11-year-old bystander killed by flying metal following a car explosion in 1995.

Adding to speculation that further violence is likely this year is news that as many as 70 members of the Rock Machine and its affiliates are expected to be released from jail in the coming months after serving various sentences, said Levesque.

“There will obviously be many more soldiers.”

“I’m not saying they will all be ready to fight again, but while they were inside I’m sure not too many of them became born again.”

BLONDE BOMBSHELL– A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

STURGIS 2000 REPORT Garbage, I can hardly wait to fly past your sputtering bitch bike in the Black Hills this summer. If your new scoot runs anything like that wire-smoking, ignition-farting, shock-rips-out-of-the-fender Red Ball Crapper you walk alongside all the time, it’s not going to be much of a contest.

There’s a rumor in the Bikernet garage that you’re going to salvage some parts from that Red Ball Crapper. The S&S engine, sure, the leather on the seat, maybe, but for Pete’s sake, bury the rest of that no-fly-zone hunk of ill-built crap. It’s not a motorcycle, it’s a fuckin’ living room scoot. It’s a yuppie pipe dream made to be bumped across town to the bar with your mechanic riding sidesaddle and a truck full of tools and a lift. Screw that no-running motherfucker.

Should you be dumb enough not to take this wise advice, I suggest you weld a hitch onto those new (and very classy) Weerd Brothers forks and toss about 30 feet of tow rope into your pink back pack, so I can at least drag your ass to Sturgis and watch as every single ballot cast goes into the chromed skull sitting in front of the Bull, because that S&S can’t do its thing wrapped up in that mess of half-assed tinfoil. Tell me you aren’t using anything off of that geometry-mocking Goof Ball scoot that I’ve spent the last year pushing from here to hell and back in SoCal. Soak the fucker in gasoline and cook up some burgers on it and invite the bros for some free grub and beer. Then push whatever doesn’t burn (I’m sure everything that hasn’t already burned has fallen off by now) into the drink and let the Coast Guard put a downed ship marker over the site.

I bet if you asked the boys at Cannetti’s they could find a ship captain who needs an anchor. Weld that fucker to a 30-ton chain and put it to some good use. God knows it’s always been capable of keeping us from going anywhere. I guess I shouldn’t complain, though, it’s helped me put my squat back over 450 to jog all over the mountains of SoCal trying to get the dirty sonuvabitch running every time you shut it down. I believe I’ll use parts built by folks who know how to use a computer, so I can focus on covering highways and writing stories about how many pairs of shoes you go through a week. I’m going to strap that brand-new, ass-puckering 88 RevTech that the generous horsepower Gods at RevTech built into a Paughco frame, hook it to that pussy-smooth Baker 6-speed, and that way we’ll have enough horsepower to get me and your piece of junk over the Rockies. You’ll even be able to bring along one of your old-fashioned wheel guns you’re so fond of to plink at beer cans while I pull you to Sturgis. That is, if you’re not too busy screaming and crying and begging me to slow down when I cut that RevTech loose and wind her up to about 130 miles an hour.

May the best outlaw win. Yours in singing air impact wrenches, Zebra

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK– Gross pay: $1,222.02

Income Tax -244.40

Outgo Tax -45.21

State Tax -5.89

Interstate -61.10

County Tax -6.11

City Tax -12.22

Rural Tax -4.44

Back Tax -1.11

Front Tax -1.16

Side Tax -1.61

Up Tax -2.22

Down Tax -1.11

Tic-Tacs -1.98

Thumbtacks -3.93

Carpet Tacks -0.98

Stadium Tax -0.69

Flat Tax -8.32

Surtax-3.46

Ma’am Tax -5.00

Parking Fee -2.60

No Pkg Fee -5.85

F.I.C.A. -10.00

T.G.I.F. -81.88

Life Ins. -9.95

Health Ins. -3.41

Disability -16.23

Ability -2.50

Liability Ins. -0.25

Dental Ins. – 4.50

Mental Ins. -4.33

Reassurance -0.11

Coffee -6.85

Coffee Cups Calendar -66.51

Floor Rental -3.06

Chair Rental -16.85

Desk Rental -4.32

Union Dues -5.85

Union Don’ts -3.77

Cash Advances -0.69

Cash Retreats -121.35

Overtime -1.26

Undertime -54.83

Eastern Time -9.00

Central Time -8.00

Mntn Time – -7.00

Pacific Time -6.00

GMT -24.00

Bath Time -4.44

Time Out -12.21

Oxygen -10.02

Water -16.54

Electricity -38.23

Heat -51.42

Air -46.83

Misc -144.38

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(This is where the expression “just my 2 cents worth” came from…)

TITAN SPUTTERING, FUTURE IN DOUBT– (Tracy Hayes/The Arizona Republic) A new machine gets a test ride after rolling off the assembly line at Titan Motorcycle. The company reported an $8.1 million loss for 1999. Its CEO and his wife also recently sold 340,000 shares of stock.

By Max Jarman The Arizona Republic April 20, 2000

Mounting cash flow problems, exacerbated by a just-reported $8.1 million loss for 1999, has prompted auditors of Titan Motorcycle Co. of America to raise questions about the 6-year-old company’s ability to survive.

Also troubling is the recent sale of 340,000 shares of the Phoenix company’s stock by Chief Executive Officer Frank Keery and his wife, Barbara, a director. The Keerys each sold 170,000 shares on March 31 at $2.31 per share. After the 1999 loss was reported April 17, the stock was trading at $1.25. The Keerys each now hold 6,592,878 shares.

“I’d be concerned,” said Craig Columbus, president of Insiderscores.com, a Scottsdale company that tracks insider trading.

Frank Keery said some of the proceeds from the sale were used to secure additional financing for the company.

Titan said it is working on possible solutions that include negotiating a larger line of credit, a private equity placement of $3 million to $5 million, and increased operating efficiencies. In January, the company laid off 40 employees, or about 17 percent of its work force.

But the introduction of a lower-priced line, produced on an assembly line, left the company vulnerable to production problems. Based on a strong initial demand for its cheaper, $25,000 motorcycles, Titan projected it would sell as many as 1,500 units in 1999. That would have generated revenue in the $40 million range.

But production delays, related in part to the company’s liquidity problems, resulted in the sale of only 1,001 units, nine fewer than the year before.

The delays, combined with the expense of gearing up for higher production, eroded the company’s gross profit margin from 15 percent in 1998 to a negative 1 percent in 1999. Adding to a $338,931 production loss were operating expenses that soared to $6.88 million from $3.48 million the year before.

The company attributed the higher costs to an increase in wages and salaries, and higher advertising and promotional expenses.

CEO Keery characterized 1999 as a year of substantial investment aimed at positioning Titan for growth and profitability.

“While we are clearly disappointed with our 1999 results, we are confident that the company is currently back on track after an extraordinarily difficult year,” he said.

Bob Lobban, Titan’s chief financial officer, said the company is making progress in its negotiations with new lenders and is optimistic its production problems have been solved. Pending the resolution of the cash flow issue, Lobban estimated the company should show an operating profit in the second quarter of this year.

BIKERNET CORRECTION– Certain species of apes have sex for pleasure as well as dolphins and humans. Like the funkin’ site; it’s comfortable, kinda like the hole-in-the-wall bar down the street and across the country. Reading your stuff I find an anal retentive Hunter S. Thompson and a grammatical Jack Kerouac…take two Quaaludes and get back to the funkin’ typewriter. So long and thanks for all the fish.

THINGS I WISH I HAD SAID– The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

QUOTES TO REMEMBER– In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? –Warren Hutcherson

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player. –Marsha Warfield

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. –Jeff Stilson

DALLAS EASYRIDERS NEEDS MECHANICS–The hottest shop in the Dallas Fort Worth region is in need of a couple of top-notch Harley mechanics. If you like a shop with a life, lots of action, and custom motorcycles, call Rick Fairless, better yet call his wife Tina. No wait, now that I think about it call the future owner Lena. She’s the cutest of them all. (214) 357-0707.

AH, WEDDING BLISS– At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Jay Leno Will Rock Love Ride 17–Jay has admitted to taking on the reigns of Love Ride 17 as the Grand Marshall. The Love Ride is the annual November motorcycle rally in Los Angeles. It was founded by Oliver, the owner of Glendale Harley-Davidson. It’s a charity ride benefiting the L.A. Times’ literacy program, the MDA, and Bikernet’s Group Homes for Boys. This year it’s expected to draw 20,000 riders and raise over a million in donations. Thanks, Oliver and Jay.

THANKS FOR CLEARING THIS SHIT UP– If it’s not a Harley, it sucks. If you ask why, you’re a fag. Love it or leave it. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Fuck you.

Helmets are for fags.

If you had a brain, you’d protect it. Since you don’t, I’ll pass a law, you dick.

Rare bikes should be bought for collectors’ value and never ridden so that they’ll be around for years to come.

Every bike should be ridden. If it isn’t, you shouldn’t own it, you poser yuppie-born insecure motherfucker.

People who ride rare bikes have no respect for the importance of the history they are destroying, you lowlife redneck

JOIN A MOTORCYCLE RIGHTS ORGANIZATION– I don’t care which one, and I don’t care if you go to meetings or not, just join, pay your dues, and be proud that you did.

TITAN LAUNCHES ON-LINE STORE– Titan announced the launch of their e-commerce site where Titan enthusiasts may purchase clothing and accessories. In the coming months, Titan intends to expand the store’s offerings beyond existing products to include exclusive motorcycle accessories, specialty hardware, and components.

DID YOU KNOW–A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Oh, to be a pig. And don’t tell me those lions who mate 50 times a day aren’t enjoying it.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON NEW BOARD– First, Excelsior-Henderson will be in Laughlin this weekend. They will have their new models available for demo rides and new accessories for enthusiasts to check out. Get this from the American Motorcycle Network: “A Florida investor group, E-H. Partners, comprises the attempted reorganization and acquisition of E-H, according to a report by the Star Tribune. The reog. plan proposes a new board that will include the president of an accounting firm and two attorneys, all of Florida. Dave and Dan Hanlon will complete the board.” For a minute there, I was getting the impression that “all of Florida will be on the board.” That’s a lot of blue-haired old ladies.

IN CLOSING THE GARAGE DOOR– I’m headed to the garage for some final tweaking of the touring chopper for the midnight Laughlin River Run. I just finished another saga for Horse Magazine. It’s a grizzly tale of woe for two riders who live in San Pedro, California. Nothing they do seems to go right, but they have a helluva good time being constant fuck-ups.

Listen, there’s a lot of talk around about stock prices and shit from various companies. We got drunk last night and made a board resolution not to announce stock-related news. Hell, who cares, we don’t have enough money to buy stock, anyway. This lifestyle is all about building and riding motorcycles, the rest is for the businessmen to fret over. Let me know your vote–pro-business news, or against it.

Next week we’ll take photos of the Sturgis 2000 projects and begin to keep you up to date on the progress. Sure, I drink Jack Daniel’s and chase women, but we’ll get those bikes on the road before you know it. Also, I’ll let you know what’s happening with the book outlines that have flown to New York for evaluation. I’m itchin’ to start another book.

We’re planning to write a couple of books on the site in the near future, and publish Prize Possession, which is out of print. Watch for ’em. Now, I’ve got to get out to the garage, load that bastard to the gills, pray it hangs together, and get out of town before she realizes I’m gone. See ya at the Rainbow Bar.

–Bandit

Hey, I’m just a guy doing a job in a San Pedro ghetto. It’s a lonely vocation most of the time, hammering away at the keyboard 14 hours a day, and usually not accomplishing much. Sure I knock off to stumble into the garage for a long talk with the Touring Chopper. I pull up a milk crate and ask that low slung sonuvabitch, “What the fuck is wrong with you this week?”

Last week was somewhat the same, trying to off a sled to get Orwell published. I truly wanted to have copies in Laughlin–sorry. I plugged away at breathing life back into the Panhead. I’ve written three book outlines that I’m submitting to a faceless name in New York City. Then it was workin’ with Nuutboy on my next segment to HORSE magazine. Plus, there was that Ed Roth, the king of car customizers, interview for Hot Rod Bikes, and plans for Laughlin and the Sturgis 2000 run. It’s nonstop, until the weekend.

I wish I could remember Friday night, but it all became a blur as Saturday rolled around. I need to take better notes. But finding a pen and paper in a strange bed, at four in the morning, can be awkward. I’ll try to do better, though. Then Saturday hit like hurricane season. The flamed T-bird was out of fuel, and I had an Agent Zebra airport run scheduled in the early afternoon. After a bout with the weight room, I showered and buzzed onto the freeway. That Bird is similar to driving an electric go-cart, but the mat black paint and classic flames help–sorta. I swung off the freeway at Century Blvd. and drove through another L.A. ghetto to the airport. Why are airports always built in the center of ghettos? Zebra returned unscathed from another of his communist party meetings in Korea. Sure, he tells me he’s storming through an ad campaign with the largest manufacturer of automobile tires mounted to the Pacific Rim, but I’m not buying his line for a second. Hell, he doesn’t know a word of Korean. As I picked up the year 2000 conspiracy freak and his four gallons of water, I noticed the temp gauge in that fucking cage peaking. Fuck!

We had a meeting planned to promote his 1%er screenplay with some young riderless executives from Miramax Pictures. Zebra’s manager and his lovely arm-in-arm, Bella, would attend along with a couple of Hamsters, and Chris Chrome, the builder of the infamous Hill Bar. We returned to the shed, shoveled out last night’s party, and began to refuel. Zebra called Buono’s Pizza and ordered six gigantic pizzas with everything on ’em but jalape?os, and one with the peppers for me. We ordered enough beer to sink a small destroyer, and pulled out all the bikes.

Before the evening was over we broke a throttle cable, blew the ignition system on the touring chopper, burnt the rookie-rider’s boot beyond recognition on a set of 2-inch drags, and tested the Excelsior-Henderson’s ability to fly off a bridge. After entertaining, we went back to the bar for a night cap, only to start a brawl that lasted into the early morn. Hey, I’m innocent.

The next day it was odd. As I woke up, I couldn’t reach the phone, then discovering I was lying in an alley in a pool of 60-weight oil, it dawned on me that the Korean Communist Agent had to make a flight to Miami. Then the dower realization that the Bird was melting the engine block from overheating consumed my battered limbs. A thermostat was needed in the worst way. Auto parts stores are bizarre. Some 17,000 square feet of batteries, fan belts, and air freshners, and one Hispanic clerk who speaks broken English. I got the impression as she adeptly took me through an extensive computer software auto-parts program to ensure I had picked the absolutely dead-nuts-on thermostat, that it didn’t matter what car I had, how many cylinders, or what year–she was going to reach in the same drawer and pull out whatever thermostat was in there and throw it at me. She did, we blindly paid for the product and a new gasket, and drove back to the shed. We had less than an hour to take the old one off, replace it, and hit the road.

Without a variety of tools, we couldn’t reach the blistering bolts for this piece of shit with a torch and a hand grenade. With two minutes to spare the Agent lifted off to the other coast. I took the reliable 2000 Road King out for a final putt with a local bombshell in tow and enjoyed an afternoon putt to Walker’s Cafe to listen to the band, then it was off to a seafood joint on the Long Beach Harbor, then a club for a Cadillac Margarita, then… Well, the mayhem just started all over again. Goddamnit, let’s get to the news.

VICTORY PACE MOTORCYCLE FOR 2000– The Victory V92SC will be the first bike to cross the finish line at all 12 AMA U.S. Superbike Championship races this season as the official sighting bike for the 2000 Superbike Series. The Victory sighting bike made its debut during Daytona Bike Week at Daytona International Speedway.

AUTHOR COMES FORWARD TO PROMOTE FICTION– If you are interested (and have the literary guts and the beatific balls) to read (tracing the acidic purple-prose with your bony, arthritic finger; staring in disbelief through your red-rimmed, rheumy eyes; mouthing the iconoclastic words with your tremorous, thick lips) my latest mad-capped, illiterate and illiterated, mumbling musings, (in your heart-of-hearts, you really want it) try: go to the Fiction Section, then select “Gut Wrenching Gold” by Nuut Boy.

J&P CYCLES LAUNCHES NEW SITE– I just wanted to let you know that the site www.jpcycles.com has been completely redesigned. Thanks, Andrew Miller, J&P Cycles Internet Assistant, Amiller@j-pcycles.com, (319)462-4817 ext.8114

GINKO VIAGRA–There is a new drug called “Gingko Viagra.” Its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON KICKS OFF BASIC RIDER TRAINING COURSE– Fascinated by the excitement and allure of motorcycling, but not sure where to begin? Introducing “Rider’s Edge – The Harley-Davidson Academy of Motorcycling,” where learning to ride is a fun, challenging, and rewarding experience. Designed specifically to meet the needs of novice riders, the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is rolling out at local Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships around the country. Harley-Davidson has been working with the National Association of State Motorcycle Safety Administrators (SMSA) and with individual administrators to ensure the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course will complement existing state motorcycle safety programs.

Select Harley-Davidson/Buell dealers in Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, New York, Wisconsin, and several other states are preparing to begin offering the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course over the coming months. Courses have already begun in Las Vegas and Albuquerque. By the end of the year, up to 40 Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships could be set up to offer the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course, with more locations to follow in 2001 and beyond.

The New Rider Course uses the proven curriculum of the Motorcycle Safety Foundation’s (MSF) Motorcycle Rider Course*, and all Rider’s Edge New Rider Course instructors are MSF certified. However, each New Rider Course is conducted with the involvement of the entire staff from the participating Harley-Davidson/Buell dealership.

Lasting a total of approximately 25 hours, the course includes interactive classroom exercises, plenty of riding practice, time to become familiar with different types of motorcycles, accessories and riding gear, and a behind-the-scenes look at dealership operations. Students who complete the course will be issued MSF completion cards, and in some states may be waived from taking the skills or knowledge portion of the state motorcycle licensing test. The training motorcycle used in the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is the new Buell Blast — an all-new single-cylinder motorcycle designed for casual fun, excitement and adventure. The Blast model’s course-friendly features include a low center of gravity, flexible turn signals, hidden muffler, and two seat heights that can be adjusted on the spot.

For more information on Rider’s Edge courses throughout the country, please call: (800)588-2743 or log onto our Web site at www.ridersedge.com.

LET’S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT, SHIT–The brand X riders just don’t get it. They blow huge amounts of money on the latest, new advanced technological innovation just to be the first guy on the block to have one. Well, I’m fuckin’ impressed, let me tell you. How fuckin’ shallow. The really great thing about Harley is that you can be the first guy on the block to blow huge amounts of money on something without risking that it might be advanced or innovative. That’s fuckin’ tradition, you imitation Ricky Racer fudge packer!

Bikers aren’t the lowlifes that they used to be; now “real” people ride Harleys, you lice-infested worthless loser.

Riding a Harley used to mean something, now any butt-reaming wannabe can get one. I don’t care if people think I’m an indigent scumbag but I don’t want them to think I may be a lawyer or a stockbroker. That would be yucky.

My dad can beat up your dad.

TIME MAGAZINE REPORT– From the April 17th edition comes this bit of trivia: We’re pressed for time and money, but Americans still have their secret passions. What would you like to do?

Travel to exotic regions of the world 52%

Own a business 25%

Learn a new language 23%

Go back to school 21%

Learn to play a musical instrument 18%

Buy a motorcycle or sports car 15%.

DID YOU KNOW?–Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

OUR FIRST COMPLIMENT– Hey, great site guys. But when are ya gonna get around to givin’ us the rest of the scoop on those Daytec frames? I’d really like some more info on their rubbermount units. Raisin pie to all. Mike

Hold on, it’s comin’.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ARRIVES IN LAUGHLIN–The Road Crew and Demo team will be set up at the Crystal Palace located on Casino Drive across from the Flamingo Hilton.

Planned events for the rally include public demo rides on the 2000 model Super X and Deadwood. Demos will start on Thursday, April 27, 2000 and run through Saturday the 29th. A brand-new accessory front fender for the production Super X will also be available for riders.

Co-founders Jennie and Dave Hanlon will be available for riders to hang with. In addition, their newest model will be at the demo site for your viewing. This model has a completely new and different front end. Stop in and check ’em out.

OFFBEAT QUOTES– Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. –Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? –Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. –Jerry Seinfeld

STURGIS 2000 COMPETITION– Is alive and puking in the alley behind the world headquarters of Bikernet. The two choppers representing Bikernet East and Bikernet West will come to life under the esteemed tutelage of Wrench and his band of sick fuckers in the Bikernet garage. In other words, we’re building these bikes ourselves in the true tradition of the American Chopper builder who never trusted a shop in his life.

So now the fight begins. Who actually will get the garage, ’cause the other low-life flat-black sonuvabitch will be built on a milk crate in the kitchen of the San Pedro shed. Zebra and his chest pounding wrench turning team has a Paughco Softail frame to begin with, an 88-inch RevTech engine, a Baker 6-speed transmission, Harley-Davidson custom wheels, the Bandit II tank stretched by Russ Tom at Downtown Harley-Davidson in Seattle, and a Harley narrow glide front end. Bandit, well he’s way behind with a 98-inch S&S motor, a Daytec chopper frame, Weerd Brothers loooong front end, Road Wings wheels, Avon Tires, Performance Machine brakes and controls, and a Terry down draft Weber carb to pull it along.

Watch for photographic coverage of the disaster to come, in the Bikernet garage. Comin’ soon

AT LAST THE TRUE STORY OF SONNY BARGER–Sonny’s autobiography will be rolling off the presses at Harper Collins within the next week for shipping to book stores nationwide, official on sale date May 17. Check the Web site page called Tours & Events at for complete info on NYC kickoff, Route 66 tour, Hollister, and Sturgis appearances, and our trip to England for Bulldog Biker Bash.

ZEBRA REPORT Attempting log on to Bikernet.com world headquarters…Zebra calling from South Korea. It’s 1600 hours and I am awaiting takeoff. Very sick, some form of beef poisoning. Confirming rendezvous in Bradley International Terminal, LAX, at exterior arrivals zone. Cell phone will be operational upon landing. You are to be sober and on time, you accursed swine. We have a big meeting with the film pimps of Miramax, Fine Line, and Green Moon and it’s high time to sell this script and get on about the business of making a decent biker movie. Contact Marko if you have not already and make him aware of his required presence. Thomas is bringing down the troops from the north. I will be staying at your house Saturday night with a planned departure to Miami Sunday.

Say again, will be staying at Fort Horsepower Saturday. You are hereby commanded to have a cleaned and oiled .45, preferably an H&K or Glock, loaded with Federal hydroshocks, +P+ rated rounds, two spare mags, also loaded, with you upon arrival at LAX to turn over to myself. I am coming in unarmed, due to the rather conservative commie South Korean government. In fact, I would guess they are monitoring this transmission, as I took the liberty of soft-wiring myself into a local phone jack at Kimpo International, Seoul. Crafty firewalls these little devils had, but not quite crafty enough. I only hope this isn’t a digital line, as it will fry the modem in this monster’s new G4 laptop.

Also, you are to have one scoot, gassed, greased, and fully operational ready for me to ride, at Fort Horsepower. And get the fuckin’ grizzly bears out of the guest bedroom. If you forget to do so, I don’t want to hear any tree-hugger Greenpeace bullshit when I blow the crap out of the vicious bastards, like last time. Further, you are to have one bottle, seal unbroken, of Jack Daniel’s awaiting me, on ice, at Fort Horsepower. A hooker wouldn’t be bad either, as the women here are exceptionally prude and very fearful of “the big Viking.” Of course, knowing your crude luck with women, you’d actually have to pay a hooker to get her to perform. I will have with me roughly 20,000 Korean won, that is all I can spend. See what you can do. And no “nieces.” I’m not going to the can for prodding some 17-year-old chippie you spirited away from the local arcade with tales of meeting a famous international writer.

I will, in turn, provide you with a full briefing of the state of affairs of Bikernet.com Far East, upon my arrival. Much has happened since I first started our Far East office. They are eating lambs wool and dried weeds and serve frozen ice as dessert to lucky visitors, but things are sure to turn soon and the local staff is in good spirits. They have acquired two Dae Lim motorcycles. Dae Lim also makes urinals, which gives you an idea of just how much emphasis is currently placed on motorcycles in this backwards culture. That will all change soon, of course, with the introduction of Bikernet.com Far East when it goes on-line. These temporary food shortages should not and will not be allowed to alter our course of solidifying a Far East office. Speaking of food, this rotted beef delicacy seems to have gotten the best of me. Am breaking into cold sweats and enjoying massive stomach cramps. Be sure to have loads of medicinal Jack Daniel’s available to kill these dastardly bugs in my gut. It would seem some form of airport security has become aware of my presence on the airport phone system, as a great uproar has just occurred and seems to be spreading in my general direction, with a goodly amount of scrutiny taking place at each and every computer terminal. I think now would be a good time to log off and go deep undercover. I will see you in 13 hours, 45 minutes, Asiania airlines. You are to circle madly in the fiery bird until I land on the hood. Zebra, out. Special Agent Zebra, Bikernet.com Far East Seoul, South Korea

CAJUN CAT FISHING AND SUCH– Oh what a spring! Been awhile, Bandit, thought I would drop a line your way. Been enjoying your column since you are “retired.” Seems more full of life these days. It has an edge it did not have before. Probably due to the possibilities of daily chaos you have now exposed yourself to.

Glad to see someone is remembering Rip in their writings. I met him in Lafayette, LA, a couple years ago when he was chumming with his pard Bob Prejean.

It has been a wild ride these past few months. I got a call back in Dec. from an ex-lady friend. Seems she was wondering what I was up to. I promptly flew her down to New Orleans for a weekend of sex and voodoo. We caught up on old times beautifully and before you knew it, I was shopping for diamonds. I passed on Daytona (never again!) in exchange for her flying with my kids down to Key West at Easter for a week of thongs and fishing. Of course after all tickets and reservations are made she decides she is out of here!

SO!!! Do I give up! Throw the bait out of the boat. My son says, “Let’s do it!” Anyway, $1,500 later, after I buy two more last-minute tickets to go get my kids and rent a car for a week (wonder why they call it HERTZ? because the price HURTS!) the kids and I are still headed to the land of fried grouper and black beans! I will be looking for a boatload of Cuban women refugees to sponsor!

In a flash the news of what’s her names departure screams across mail lines and Monique that sexy intelligent coon ass in Denver exile is headed this way for what she terms “a bayou trash weekend.” I guess that means more sex and voodoo along with some boiled crawdads and 80mph rides along the levee on the Dyna looking for a roadhouse playing some Zydeco music at midnight.

Ride Safe, the Cajun Connection

Wedding Bliss– How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

IN CLOSING– I’ve learned something about friendship this week. I’ve learned something about love. It’s not like me to cloud up and create a mist here, but I’ve dedicated my next book to my 5th wife Rebecca, because she’s a tower of unwavering class, and although I put her undeserving soul through hell, she never lowered herself. We finalized our matters the other night, and I will take my hat off to her forever for her style and grace.

Now, take your hands and place them firmly on the arms of your chair and rocket your ass to your feet (if you can’t, get back to the gym). Grab your wallet, knife, pistol, jacket, vest, boots, and gloves and head to the garage. It’s time to ride.

–Bandit

Hey, it’s almost Friday. Friday, the devil’s day of escape from the mundane to a night of sin and the deepest debauchery. I can’t wait. The last couple of weeks have been high pressure, and I left the corporate world to be free. After the cat left me, I still can’t get over it. What the hell did I do wrong this time? Not even a note, or the incessant hang-ups on the phone. Nothin’ … she just split without a word.

After the cat hit the road, the bill collectors started to bug me. I didn’t realize that without a job I was still responsible for paying the bills. How does that make any sense? I needed some mental therapy, so I wandered into the garage with a fifth of Jack and a shot glass, took the phone off the hook and began to tear down a perfectly good running ’48 Panhead. It’s a 61-inch unit that starts first kick every time. I have a swapmeet set of beautiful dual carb heads that Baisley’s Performance rebuilt a couple of years ago. The Indian neon clock in the corner said to me in an erratic ticking voice, “It’s time to see what that Pan will do.” I nodded and tore the sonuvabitch to pieces.

Natch, about the time the shop was covered from end to end with Pan parts, the lift was taken out of commission, then every other bike in the garage crapped out. The touring chopper was first, but it’s been crapping out on a regular basis since it was built. Then the chrome I sent out for the Excelsior-Henderson… Well you know chromers. Sending chrome out carries similar risk to playing the slots at Whiskey Pete’s just inside the Nevada border. They know you’re just on your way to Vegas. They need to get all they can while you’re passing through. You’ll never be back.

Enough whining, we’ll have a tech in the Custom Chrome page on alternator installation and wiring that’ll last. Giggie from Compu-Fire came out and instructed me as I did the work. Compu-fire makes a line of starter motors, alternator kits, and ignition systems, all carried by Custom Chrome.

Our Sturgis 2000 projects have taken major turns for the better. A lot of talk goes around about building bikes at home vs. $40,000 shop bikes. As a busy executive, working for a multi-million buck corporation, there was little time to spend in the garage. That’s the problem with many executives. Sure, they’re making the bucks, but everyone hates ’em and they don’t have time to spend doing what they love. As soon as the Pan is thumping again and off the lift, the rigid will begin to fly together. I can’t go into detail on either bike now, but both Bikernet East and West bikes will be built right under wrenching hands of the Bikernet staff. We’ll give you the full report on that next week.

The guys from the movie project, “Asphalt Cowboy” are thinking about a booth in Laughlin. If that happens, you’ll be able to shoot the shit with out-of-work actors in person. I’ll let you know next week.

On a final note, Human Services Network, the non-profit that houses abandoned kids in the San Fernando Valley is proud to announce that three of the oldest in the group have graduated from high school and are successfully undergoing the emancipation program. It’s tough on these kids. If you would like to volunteer or donate, call Juaquin Shelton, he’ll explain (818) 769-5686. Kids get the toughest road of all, and need the most support. Help kids in your area, if you can’t help these kids.

Life had been calming down, like from hurricane season to the day-to-day turbulence in the Bermuda Triangle. The Bikernet crew has been scrambling with Jon Towle panhandling for gas money on street corners, and Agent Zebra flying to Korea for a writing gig. Since they can’t read his shit, they think he’s cool. Oz, well, he’s defected to the establishment, working to help biker-friendly politicians get elected. He’ll be out of work in a week, once the elections have dried up. Then he’ll come crawling back. As for my hard-working self, since all my bikes were in pieces, I had to borrow one to take a girl up the coast, or was it down the coast? I stumbled onto a fuel-injected 2000 Road King. Damn Twin Cam was so smooth, all the buttons and switches worked, the bags were big enough to strip her completely down and put all her clothes in one of the bags. I get nervous on quiet bikes, though. Especially, in L.A. You need to make some noise and ride fast to prevent getting run over.

Riding stock bikes makes ya wonder why any of us deal with building custom, one-off bikes. Ya just get on these puppies and ride. My Street Stalker is the same. Pure reliable riding enjoyment without the bullshit, and constant breakdowns. I must need help. I’m trying to sell the Street Stalker to publish my next book and build another strange, life-threatening chopper.

Let’s get to the news:

SONNY BARGER’S BOOK– Sonny’s autobiography will be rolling off the presses at HarperCollins within the next week for shipping to book stores nationwide, official on sale date May 17. Check the website page called Tours & Events at sonnybarger.com for complete info on NYC kickoff, Route 66 tour, Hollister and Sturgis appearances, and our trip to England for Bulldog Biker Bash.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON CONTINUES RECORD PERFORMANCE–The Factory announced record sales and earnings for its first quarter ended (March 26, 2000) The Company’s first quarter sales were $681.1 million, an increase of 21.9 percent over the first quarter last year. Net income of $80.2 million includes a one-time net gain of $6.9 million from the sale of the Company’s Chrome Visa(R) credit card program. The Company’s earnings per share grew at 25.7 percent before the positive effect of the sale of the credit card program. Earnings per share for the first quarter were 26 cents, an increase of 37.5 percent, reflecting the Company’s 2-for-1 common stock split on April 7th.

“During the first quarter, we achieved double digit growth in each of our product lines and business segments,” said Jeffrey L. Bleustein, chairman and CEO of Harley-Davidson, Inc. “This performance reflects the continued growth in worldwide demand for Harley-Davidson(R) products and our ability to consistently deliver customer and shareholder value.”

Motorcycles and Related Products Segment

First quarter sales of Harley-Davidson motorcycles were $535.3 million, an increase of 22.6 percent over the first quarter last year. Shipments of Harley-Davidson motorcycles totaled 49,057 units, up 7,876 units or 19.1 percent over last year. The Company’s production target for the year 2000 for Harley-Davidson motorcycles has been increased to 198,500 units, up from our previous target of 196,000. The second quarter production target is 52,000 units.

Buell

Motorcycle sales for the first quarter totaled $16.8 million on shipments of 2,338 units, compared to $16 million on shipments of 2,013 units last year. This includes initial shipments of the Blast(R), which retails for $4,395, or about half the price of the next lowest priced Buell. The Blast is a single cylinder, 492 cc motorcycle that is targeted towards new riders. Buell’s motorcycle production target, including the Blast, has been increased to 10,000 units for the year.

Parts and Accessories (P&A)

P&A, which consist of Genuine Motor Parts(TM) and Genuine Motor Accessories(TM), totaled $94.9 million, a 26.4 percent increase over the year-ago quarter. General merchandise first quarter sales, which consist of MotorClothes(R) apparel and collectibles, totaled $33.5 million, up 13.7 percent over the same period last year.

For the long term, the Company expects P&A revenues to increase slightly faster than Harley-Davidson’s motorcycle unit growth rate, while general merchandise will grow slightly slower than the motorcycle unit growth rate.

First quarter gross margin was 34.0 percent of revenue, up slightly from 33.9 percent of revenue last year, while operating margin for the motorcycles and related products segment was 16.5 percent of revenue, compared to 16.4 percent of revenue for the same period last year.

Financial Services Segment

Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. (HDFS), a subsidiary of Harley-Davidson, Inc., reported first quarter operating income of $3.3 million, up 26.1 percent compared to the year-ago quarter. HDFS’s first quarter operating income grew in line with its expectations to grow faster than the motorcycle business for 2000.

TOP SEX JOKE FINALISTS–A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says, “7-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small white guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small white guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big black dude looks down and says, “7-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said, ‘Turn around.'”

———————————

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say … should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “one’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

TITAN HITS 10 MILLION MARK–Titan Motorcycle Co. of America (Nasdaq: TMOT) announced today that total dealer shipments for the company’s new Phoenix(TM) line of motorcycles have passed the $10 million mark. Priced in the $20,000 range, the Phoenix line is the company’s entry-level V-twin bike, designed specifically to broaden market appeal for Titan’s unique, custom-configured motorcycles.

“The Phoenix line is off to a great start, and we expect it to do very well for us,” said Patrick Keery, president. “Our order backlog for Phoenix model dealer shipments is surprisingly high for so early in the riding season, and the bike’s field reliability is excellent. We seem to have struck a chord with the marketplace,” Keery said. He indicated that Titan continues to ramp up its production volume capacities to respond to strong consumer demand for what the company believes is the best big-engine V-twin value available anywhere.

VETERAN ALERT– The Rolling Wall will be on display in Tombstone, Arizona starting this Sunday 4/16 at the VFW. It’s scheduled to be there until the 23rd. A ride leaves the TTT truck stop at 10am on Sunday 4/16. All are welcome to ride out and pay tribute to Vietnam Veterans, and enjoy a taste of the old west.

AMERICA’S DRUG WAR STRIPS LIBERTY–The asinine drug “war” and struggle to strip Americans of their liberty enforcement clause, the 2nd Amendment, has begun. By BOB POOL, Times Staff Writer

A clash of lifestyles in Topanga Canyon ended Thursday when an aging hippie woodcutter agreed to move out of the fast-growing mountain community to avoid the possibility of going to prison on a drug charge. James W. Hancock, 65, pleaded no contest to charges of narcotics and firearms violations in exchange for a promise of probation–provided he abandons the shack near the center of the canyon where he has lived for more than 20 years. But after agreeing to the plea bargain in a Malibu courtroom, Hancock continued to maintain his innocence. He asserted that a third of an ounce of methamphetamines, an antique black-powder musket, and several miscellaneous-caliber bullets that were found last fall by sheriff’s deputies who raided the lot where he also sells firewood had been left there by acquaintances whom he allowed to come and go freely. Like Hancock, his friends were often bearded and scruffy, which mothers delivering their children from newly built canyon homes to the nearby Topanga Elementary School found frightening. There were dark rumors of drug use at the wood yard and reports that Hancock was a squatter who was resisting efforts by the owner of the junk-laden site on Old Topanga Canyon Road to evict him.

That nervousness triggered the Sept. 30 raid. A Hollywood political consultant who heard stories about Hancock and his friends while attending a Topanga party in early September said he called high-ranking sheriff’s officials. After the raid, he choreographed a campaign aimed at convicting Hancock on a variety of charges–including selling drugs within 1,000 feet of a school. Disclosure of the role of political consultant David Carlat prompted a debate on Internet Web sites and in letters to newspaper editors that for a time seemed to pit Topanga old-timers who drive dilapidated cars and live in modest cabins and cottages against newcomers with sport utility vehicles and $700,000 homes. Some in the canyon said they were looking forward to the trial in hopes that testimony would reveal who else might be behind the raid and the campaign against Hancock.

After the raid, Carlat sought to prod prosecutors to charge Hancock with the more serious charge of selling drugs near a school. He told the media that a trail led from the school yard to Hancock’s shack. Carlat coordinated a petition drive at the school urging full prosecution of Hancock. He also tried to rally support from the county Board of Supervisors and the state Assembly and sought to pressure authorities to deny probation for the woodcutter.

Later, it was determined that the pathway from the school was actually a coyote trail that petered out in the brush a few yards from the campus.

Some of those signing the school petition acknowledged that they had never heard of any alleged drug sales near the school until they read the paperwork. And it was learned that Hancock had a legal right to be on the property.

Hancock was ordered Thursday to return to court June 15 for formal sentencing. But Superior Court Judge James A. Albracht made it clear that Hancock’s sentence of probation will be contingent on his leaving Topanga Canyon by then and staying away for three years.

REDWOOD RUN A-COMIN’–The Redwood Run has been scheduled for June 9, 10 & 11th. Click on this link for more information. Redwood Run 2000 These are the details as we know them so far. Thanks to Skip for submitting the information!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK– The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. -Rita Mae Brown

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God … I could be eating a slow learner. -Lynda Montgomery

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. -Johnny Carson

TITAN RECEIVES FINANCIAL EXTENSION– Titan Motorcycle Co. of America (Nasdaq: TMOT) announced today reaching an agreement with its lender, Wells Fargo Credit, Inc., for a 90-day extension of its existing credit line.

“This extension will facilitate Titan’s timing for bringing in a new lender with anticipated high borrowing capability,” said Bob Lobban, Titan’s chief financial officer. “We are currently negotiating with several possible new lenders whom we believe could put us on a better financial footing going forward, should we be successful in finalizing a deal at the terms presently under discussion.”

NEW SITE FOR WOMEN RIDERS–For the shapely ones out there, there’s this dynamic, top-notch writer from New York who is developing a site devoted to women who love to ride. Her name is Sasha and she sent me the following:

I dreamed I had an interview with God. “Come in,” God said. “So, you would like to interview Me?” “If you have the time,” I said. God smiled and said, “My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?” “What surprises you most about mankind?” God answered, “That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived.”

THE RELIGIOUS BENT CONTINUES– A curious guy died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. The others were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. “Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said, “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle. They’re too wet to burn.”

PRODUCT PLUGS– In the very near future we’ll cover the complete line of Daytec frames, the most complete precise frames in the industry. Custom Cycle Engineering has developed a starter switch that bolts directly to the starter solenoid. No wiring, no missed starts, but beware your exhaust. If you can’t reach the starter without touching your pipes, don’t bother. Compu-fire in making starter motors that draw fewer and fewer amps, which allows us crazed bikers to run smaller and smaller batteries. Custom Chrome distributes special tin gaskets with a thin metal insert to prevent cracking. They work.

DID YOU KNOW– The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

NAIL ON THE HEAD, SHIT–If you have a job and can afford a Harley, you’re a yuppie RUB. By the way, an Evo motor is a dead give-away. Oh yeah, and you’re gay, too.

If you don’t put several thousands dollars in performance mods on your bike, you’re a spineless wimp with no real soul, you insecure poser, loser.

If you do put several thousand dollars worth of mods on your bike, you’re a poser scumbag out to impress sixteen-year-old girls, you insecure poser loser.

I don’t get it. I bought the bike. I wear the clothes. I buy them rounds of the cheap fuckin’ piss-like domestic swill-beer they seem to like. I call my wife “the old lady,” the police “the man” and cars “cages.” Still, I suspect that I’m not given the consideration I should be given for not flaunting that I’m too good for them. If they could see me at the firm during the week, they’d understand the effort I’m making to blend. You lower class, reverse snob, blue-collar underachiever!

Ex-Jap bike riders are like ex-alcoholics. “Hi, my name’s Bob, and I once owned a Suzuki. I’ve been clean for ten years now…”

HOT ROD BIKES–The editor, Frank Kaisler, is developing a special with 50 techs in it. He called me demanding 10 techs. Now that’s an indication of the tremendous pressure I’m under.

ESCAPE PLAN–Laughlin is around the bend. The road king still graces my garage, and another girl wants a ride along the coast. Doesn’t matter which direction, as long as the ride is long and hard. The touring chopper should be rattling windows by the end of the day, and the dual carbed Pan, well what began as replacing the heads is now honing the barrels, installing new rings, and perhaps replacing the pistons, which will mean boring once more. To top it off, the tins don’t fit over the valve collars, so I’m in search of an OEM set of tins. Ah, but tomorrow is Friday, the sun is out big-time, something in the garage runs, and she’s waiting. The adventure continues. Let’s ride.

-Bandit

The fog laid over the harbor like a blanket of doom as I returned to the shed. All seemed calm except for the cowboy-boot sized box on the leaning deck, and I could swear it was ticking. Just about to pick it up, I was interrupted by a motorcycle speeding up the bluff. It went directly passed my shed like thousands of bikes do every week heading to Walkers Cafe on the point. I checked it out like I check out all the others, stock Sportster. A guy in all black packing a girl in all black, except she sported a mass of flaming red hair. My attention went back to the box. Smoke wafted out of the corner of the amateurishly wrapped carton. I leaned over again to heft it and again a motorcycle distracted me, this time going in the opposite direction. It was the same bike.

I stood and watched it sweep along the rotting precipice that holds up the teetering houses along the bluff and watched it disappear around the curve. “That was quick,” I muttered and turned toward the box. Just then I heard a fire truck. Fire trucks and cops are a regular occurrence in my ghetto, between the gang violence and the domestic violence, the biker violence and the television violence, the area is rife with violence. Just the way I like it, calm like the ocean. Yeah right. I wanted to get inside and change my tattered clothes for the first time in a couple of weeks. I smelled so bad, my cat took one whiff of me and split.

Just as I was going to put a swift kick to the box and head for the showers, the screech of brakes squealed in my hung-over brain, and the shrill of the siren came home to rest in my front yard. It was that fuckin’ Sportster again, except this time he brought the fire department scrambling out of a Brinks truck-looking vehicle. I stepped back and studied the shingles blowing off my roof. I didn’t see smoke, and there was no young lass standing on the corner cussing me and threatening to jump. The heavily padded firemen stormed the deck, shoved me off the edge surrounded the smoldering box with scanners and such.

“Hey,” a voice called.

I didn’t pay much attention as the men in red shoved me off the deck as they whisked the thumping box into some sort of bomb detention trailer that looked like a dive bell from the ’40s ‘cept it had no windows.

“Hey, let’s ride,” The voice came again, “We’ve got to get to Rip’s memorial party.”

Suddenly the Earth shook like the initial jar of a 7-point earthquake and smoke crept out of the joints around the dive bell. The firemen huddled behind their Brinks wagon shaking hands and high-fiving one another. I was lying in the weeds at the foot of the deck wondering how I pissed her off this time when it dawned on me. The Sportster rider who couldn’t find his way was Wino Joe, the famous biker photographer of old who had flown down from Monterey, rented a bike at Bartels’ Harley-Davidson, and was planning to pick me up on the way to San Berdoo for Rip’s final gathering. We rode.

About 100 miles down the road we pulled over in a gas station. We were already feeling the inland summer temperatures rise. We met with representatives of several California clubs, magazine staff members, family, and friends for the gathering at the Crossroads biker bar in Yucipa. The Uglys brought the Fryed Brother band, and Weasels, Mongols, Vagos, and several other clubs came to pay their last respects. Hell, there were even a couple of Hamsters. It was an honorable tribute for a hard riding man.

I rode the Street Stalker out. I got a call from Joel at California Harley-Davidson in Harbor City. “I’ve got a guy who loves Street Stalkers.” I took it there. The guy showed up, puked all over the dealership floor when he spied the blacked-out beast, and ran out the door. So it’s still there, (310) 539-3366. Call Joel, or ask for Suzie, the cutest motorclothes girl on the planet.

A couple of quick notes before we launch into the news: If you like the fiction, and especially Earl’s, drop him a line. He’s been moved to Texarkana, and was put in the hole for some minor infraction like smuggling an automatic weapon into a federal prison. He could use some cheering up. Earl McNeeley, #04510-010, E-unit, F.C.I., Texarkana, Texas 75505. Sorry no e-mail.

About Bikernet, we’re about to launch a tech on the woes of custom painting from Al Martinez in Orange, California. He explains several paint jobs, what goes into each, what it costs and why.

We’re also working on an art gallery section and several more tales of terror will be spilling into the fiction arena shortly. Lot’s happening including a series of techs from Samson’s pipe company on installing exhaust systems on all makes and models of Harleys. Now I’ll quit making promises I can’t keep, and splash the news all over the World Wide Web, let’s rock:

TO: SMOOTHHD@EARTHLINK.NET– Occasionally we receive pertinent e-mails, but when we try to respond something goes haywire. This was one of those e-mails. So SmoothH-D, drop us another line. Your address failed. We’ll send the drugs to another address if the cops are watching this one.

Just kidding, I’ll send the body in a 50-gallon drum. When I got the pine box back, a leg was sticking out of the corner.

Just a joke. I promise to never again send automatic weapons loaded and cocked. I should have known that when the UPS man drops the box, the guns would start firing.

Sorry about that.

HERM ROSENMAN RESIGNS–April 4, 2000, Bikers Dream Inc. (Nasdaq:BIKR), which operates under the name Ultra Motorcycle Co., Tuesday announced that Herm Rosenman has resigned from his positions as president and chief executive officer of the company effective immediately.

Rosenman also resigned from his position as a member of the company’s Board of Directors. The remaining members of the Board of Directors have appointed Harold Collins, vice president and general counsel of the company, to serve as interim chief operating officer of the company until the Board identifies a new CEO. Collins will report to an executive committee of the Board of Directors.

The Board of Directors Tuesday appointed Kenneth Schwartz to fill the Board seat created by Rosenman’s resignation. Schwartz was formerly a director of Deloitte & Touche LLP.

The company also announced the following on Tuesday: In connection with a lawsuit brought against the company and two former members of its management by a former franchisee, a judgment was entered on March 20, 2000 against the company in the amount of $683,601. There is currently in effect a stay, which would prevent enforcement of this judgment against the company until 10 days after the last day on which the company may file an appeal. Currently, the stay will expire on May 29, 2000.

However, the company is in the process of filing certain post trial motions, which may have the effect of extending the time for appeal, and which in turn may extend the stay of the enforcement of the judgment beyond May 29, 2000.

The company currently is indebted under three promissory notes in the principal amounts of $300,000, $156,638 and $150,000, respectively, plus accrued interest thereon. The notes bear interest at the rate of 18%, 12%, and 12% respectively and became due on March 31, 2000. The company is in the process of negotiating a possible conversion of these notes into an equity interest in the company. It is uncertain at this time whether the company will be able to repay the notes if these negotiations are not successful.

DEAR DRUNKEN BASTARD– Sure, you’re sad to see the Street Stalker go. Whatever. If people want to see what it looks like, they can tune in to my lovely story and see what it looks like under a truck! You miserable swine. You had the Chinaman curse that fucker with some of that Far East voodoo and then saddled me up for the big death ride. Now you’re afraid that since I was too tough to kill, that a little of that chicken blood poison hex shit might still be lingering in the handlebars and you’re too fearful to ride it.

So you’re pawing it off on some novice tryke geek who won’t know how to spot a jinxed sled until it’s sticking out of his chest. And we all know why you really need money and it has nothing to do with publishing another of your yellow rags. It’s to pay off the local fuzz who are so pissed because you’ve been dipping into their local fuzz, that chippie waitress down at the mob’s hangout. Jesus, you’ll end up with a ship anchor tied to your leg and talking to bottom feeders yet.

And where the FUCK is Marko, the Director/Destroyer???? Aren’t we supposed to be finishing up a movie? What’s going on out there? I leave for a few months to make some loot and everything goes straight to shit. Have you made a lamp out of my punching bag yet? I can imagine it’s probably painted pink and holding up a potted plant in your john right about now. I’ll buy your Street Stalker. The offer is, I don’t tell that cop you’re still boning his old lady. How about that? Isn’t that a good offer? You scum sucking oil leaker. It’s the best one you’ll get. Oh, and that includes delivery. Send it to Miami. –Zebra

PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR ABATE OF OHIO, REPORTS From my experiences I can easily recognize two trends in this country: 1 – The government does not like bikers and they are going to do everything in their power to bust us. Maybe it’s our image, maybe it’s our lifestyle, or maybe it’s our philosophy — (I really think some of them are jealous!!) anyway, they’re comin’….

2 – We had better organize. We would have a hell of a lot more lobbying power with the bozos in the government if we would organize and put all our energy into pressuring the various federal, state, and local governments to give way to our biker rights.

We’ve got to unite, my friends. We’ve got to fight for what is rightfully ours. We’ve got to get active and involved in these important issues rather than standing around bitching about it and arguing with each other. That’s exactly what “they” want us to do. Together, if we Fight On then we’ll Ride On, FREE!! We are the “Freedom Fighters” in America. Let’s do our job and let’s do it RIGHT!! Rick Woodcock, Public Relations Officer ABATE of Ohio.

Oz now posts motorcycle rights issues, new laws, and political news on Bikernet weekly. We will take news from any organization or club. Write Oz@bikernet.com.

REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN–

You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

You can trade a .44 for two .22s.

You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”

A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.

You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

HIGH-TECH SECURITY COMES TO H-D– Elite Logistics, Inc., developer of the PageTrack(TM) family of Intelligent Vehicle Systems (IVS), today announced an agreement with Immobiliser, Inc. to expand Elite Logistics’ wireless tracking technology into the motorcycle market.

Through the agreement, Immobiliser, Inc. will become Elite Logistics’ original equipment manufacturer (OEM) in the motorcycle industry. Elite Logistics’ PageTrack(TM) technology will be incorporated into the Immobiliser(TM), a patented security device exclusively designed for Harley- Davidson(R) (NYSE: HDI) motorcycles. Immobiliser, Inc. also produces an Immobiliser(TM) device suitable for use on all types of motorcycles. With seven million riders in the United States, the motorcycle industry is enjoying its biggest sales boom in more than 20 years. The number of riders has increased 30 percent in only 10 years. The Motorcycle Industry Council reports that the value of the motorcycle retail marketplace was $12.7 billion in 1998 and that retail sales grew 24 percent in 1999, implying an industry value of $15.7 billion.

Elite Logistics’ technology will be available to Harley-Davidson(R) owners through a growing network of more than 400 Harley-Davidson(R) dealers in which the Immobiliser(TM) is sold. The Immobiliser(TM) is the only patented alarm that fits original factory wiring of Harley-Davidson(R) motorcycles without solder or crimping, permitting non-destructive installation and eliminating factory warranty concerns. The alarm features a personal pager that beeps and vibrates when someone tampers with the motorcycle, as well as a 16-stage adjustable shock sensor and remote-controlled siren and flashing lights. The Immobiliser(TM) automatically immobilizes the bike’s ignition system if the bike is assaulted. The alarm is protected against heat and vibration, and its factory-style connectors and main module are waterproof to withstand the elements, including jet-washing. Through the OEM agreement, the Immobiliser(TM) will use Elite Logistics’ PageTrack(TM) technology to give bike owners the ability to track a bike’s location, control bike features and communicate via the Internet or other web- based wireless devices (such as cellular phones and pagers with e-mail capabilities). Bike owners will also be able to track a motorcycle through their own PC at home or by phone through Elite Logistics’ 24-hour control center.

For more information, visit www.immobiliser.com or call (800) 966-3456.

TOP SEX JOKES– A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON MOVES TOWARD REORGANIZATION– (By Sheryl Jean) Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Co. has taken its first step toward emerging as a new company by filing preliminary bankruptcy reorganization plans, which call for repaying $5.1 million left on a loan from the state of Minnesota in seven years — at no interest, according to documents filed with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Minneapolis.

The proposal includes a $12.5 million cash investment by E.H. Partners Inc., referred to as “the acquisition company,” to buy 8 million shares of common stock and 2 million shares of preferred stock in Excelsior-Henderson, according to bankruptcy documents. E.H. Partners also will lend the company $5 million.

Under the proposal, Excelsior-Henderson’s existing common and preferred shareholders will not hold any stock in the future company. In addition to the state of Minnesota, other secured creditors will receive restructured notes. Unsecured creditors will receive . . . a “pro-rata distribution of cash and the right to receive certain royalties.”

WHITEHOUSE HUMOR KEEPS COMIN’– It seems the big new game to play at the White House is “Swallow the Leader!”

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward and not one of them is his sister!

Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says, “Prepare to be a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death.” Hillary takes a deep breath and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”

FORD/HARLEY TRUCK PLUS JAY LENO FOR KIDS’ CHARITY When Ford Motor Company (NYSE: F) and Harley-Davidson Motor Company announced that they would roll out a special pickup truck this year, guess who was the first to raise his hand for some special kids? Jay

Ford will donate a new 2000 Harley-Davidson F-150 to be auctioned off on the Yahoo! internet web site with proceeds going to one of Leno’s favorite fund-raisers, the Love Ride Foundation, and to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, one of Ford’s top corporate causes. The online auction will run from June 20 through June 30.

“The lucky winner will get a rare truck while, at the same time, helping fund research into muscular dystrophy and breast cancer,” added O’Connor.

Leno is the Grand Marshal of the “Love Ride,” which has become a major annual event in southern California, attracting 20,000 motorcycle riders, with proceeds going to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, Harley-Davidson’s top corporate charity, and to the “Reading By 9” literacy initiative sponsored by the Los Angeles Times.

“I’m just a big kid myself when it comes to things that look great and go fast, like this Harley-Davidson F-150 — and what’s more important than kids?” said Leno. “Thanks to Ford, Harley-Davidson and Yahoo! for helping dreams come true for our ‘Love Ride’ kids,” he added.

While in Dearborn, Leno became Customer #1 as O’Connor handed him the keys to the first Harley-Davidson F-150. A self-proclaimed gearhead, Leno loves fast Fords and hot Harley-Davidson motorcycles. His personal collection includes more than 60 cars and trucks, including a number of Fords, and approximately 50 motorcycles. Leno even has a souped-up Ford Festiva packing a SHO V-6 that he uses to humble more exotic fare on the roads around L.A.

The Harley-Davidson F-150 is the first product of a historic alliance between Ford and Harley-Davidson, with both companies jointly celebrating their centennials in 2003. The Ford and Harley-Davidson alliance provides the opportunity for the two companies to jointly develop and market exciting products, like the Harley-Davidson F-150, and a line of unique automotive accessories and apparel, available only through Ford dealerships and www.icollection.com .

“AH, QUOTES FROM THOSE IN THE KNOW–Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim…’ -Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -Conan O’Brien

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. -Sue Murphy

MASTER ARTISTE, JON TOWLE REPORTS–Hey, Got me a car again. Thanks to many out there for the help, like the cool cat in Texas that offered me a sound Camero… for fucking free! gotta love Texas. Also to Concrete Pete for being his usual cool self and to Big Joe in Ohio for his offer. There were many others and I deeply appreciate it…..now, all of you go fuck yourselves (just kidding). Funny how I discovered a slashed tire on my newly acquired truck during the week that Agent Zebra Asshole was in town from Cuba, er, I mean Miami. You know what they say about payback,…well, it’s my turn, Special agent boy! Thanks again to the bikernet dogs out there! –Jon

OUR LESSON IN UNDERSTANDING WOMEN– There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, “Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”

The surprised man said, ” OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”

The genie replied with a smirk, ” Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”

The man said with a smile, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”

The genie said, ” Would you like two lanes or four?”

NORTON CEO CHARGED WITH FRAUD– According to a report by the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Robert Kilpatrick, Jr., CEO of Norton Motorcycles, has been charged with multiple counts of theft by swindle, forgery and credit fraud. Kilpatrick allegedly filed false personal financial information to obtain more than $800,000 in home mortgages. He was also charged with two counts of forged checks totaling more than $20,000.

Aren’t you glad we stick to American bikes?–Bandit

TITAN TO MAKE MOTORCYCLE FOR X-MEN MOVIE– Titan announced that it has reached an agreement with Marvel Enterprises to produce a one-of-a-kind X-Men motorcycle. The bike will be featured in the much-anticipated July 14, 2000 release by 20th Century Fox of “The X-Men,” based on Marvel Comics’ best-selling series for more than 20 years.

BREAK TIME– What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

HIGH TECH SECURITY/COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCT TO BE SOLD IN US– Skynet Telematics.Com, of the UK, announced the sale of the exclusive rights in the US market for the unique SKAMP Motorbike Telematics product. The Skamp product provides motorcycle users with vehicle security, driver and passenger security, telecommunications, pro-active tracking, pro-active routing, full concierge service and Internet access.

IRONWORKS RETRO FURTURAMA–According to John Siebenthaler of Siebenthaler Creative Services Media Scene Bulletin, “Editor Dennis Stemp hit one out of the park with his twin-carb special build project Knucklehead Bobster, the “flyin’ Fossil”. From our view in the cheap seats, it’s still going.”

Pick up an IRONWORKS and see if you can’t catch a glimpse.

DID YOU KNOW–An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

HORSE MAGAZINE–The bad to the bone chopper rag asked if I would write a column about my life, and some of my rides. I wrote one long paragraph. Hell, that about covered it. Should be coming out soon.

MORE NAIL-ON-THE-HEAD, SHIT– Panheads are real Harleys; Shovelheads are just like a Triumph. If you had any class, you’d own a Panhead you fuckin’ pussy. (Whew, I’ve got one)

Hardtail riders are insane; their values are not the same as mine so they’re wrong, you psychotic stuck-in-the-past indigent scumbags.

On the other hand, hardtail riders are more manly and virile than people who ride bikes that have suspensions, you spineless wimp.

TC88’s are just lie Evos, but more so. Jap-like, soulless, and aimed at wussies who can’t handle a bike that needs maintenance. You gullible, overly-impulsive, slave-to-marketing, zombies.

PLUGS– Hey, while I was barely standing in front of Mad Myron’s Billet Bar in Scottsdale finishing my 13th Jack on the rocks, I admired a custom paint job, Softail in the parking lot. The artist/builder of the sleek Daytec framed street sweeper is Miguel of psycle Paint in Mesa, Arizona. He’s young energetic and talented, if you need a painter, (480) 835-7990.

If you own a Victory, Samson Exhaust is tooling up to make custom exhaust for the Polaris built bikes, (714) 518-2480.

Received a press release from a company making a wide strip of rubber that goes over your left boot to protect it from shifter damage. It’s the Shu-Band-it at www.shubandit.com. Hmm, not sure about that name. It’s a small but useful product that’ll protect ‘dem high-dollar cowboy boots.

ESCAPE MODE–That’s it, I’ve got to boogie. The touring chop will be on the road by the end of the weekend. The Pan will be a week away from completion by the end of the weekend, and I’ll be somewhere on my Sturgis 2000 project by the end of next week. Had the Avons mounted on a couple of beautiful Road Wing wheels yesterday. Next week it’ll be on wheels. Can you tell, I’ll be hiding in a vat of 60-weight oil in the corner of my garage all weekend. But when I emerge, the pad will be calm once more, I’ll be looking for another cat, and I can crawl back in the bedroom window without getting shot at.

I know it’s a twisted life, but it’s non-stop. Goddamnit, let’s ride.

–Bandit.

There I was in Tucson, Arizona, alone in a Mexican restaurant eating dry beef and beans, and she walked in. Suddenly I forgot that I had left L.A. without a jacket, the temps had dropped to 40 degrees and it had begun to hail. I looked at my margarita then at the bike with its solo seat and wondered. She didn’t hesitate and we rode into the night like banshees screaming into the wind.

The week has been high stress. Not enough minutes to make all the dreams come true. The projector room is finally up. The touring chopper took an electrical shit, the Pan is in pieces waiting for my ass to finish the heads and start returning it to running form. The Street Stalker is for sale so I can publish Orwell. Orwell is almost finished; I’ll see a book cover next week. Three outlines will also fly out of here for New York next week, and Arizona Bike Week starts tomorrow. If anyone’s interested in the tight, reliable Street Stalker, drop me a line; the price is $18,000.

What else can I tell you, oh the next Jesse James chopper tech will be flying onto the Web sometime next week. Damn, I know there’s more, but she’s waiting, the road beacons and it’s time to wind ’em up for the weekend. Let’s hit the news:

Big Twin This in from Siebenthaler Creative Services: Just as we thought it was gone forever, we’ve discovered that Big Twin will now move to an annual schedule, to the disappointment, even dismay, of those who wallowed in the clean, contemporary design and wonderful reproduction values, not to mention the astute writing of editors Paul Dean and Beau Pacheco.

GAS PRICES UPDATE–Oil ministers from Venezuela, Mexico, and Saudi Arabia announced today that oil producing countries should boost crude oil production to bring the price down again, which are the highest prices in nine years! They have come to an agreement to boost output but the details of their meeting will be kept secret until March 27th… The three day “Gas-Out” dates have been changed to March 24th, 25th, and 26th! Please don’t buy any gasoline on these days! Please forward this message to everyone that has the old dates in April!!!!!

Willie C. Lebeau III Garnishment Specialist Ext 3842 Norrell Service Corporation

Do today what others won’t so you can live tomorrow how others can’t!

TAIWAN CORRESPONDENT REPORT– In Taiwan they have some weird laws concerning weapons. You can buy a double bladed knife like a boot knife or small dagger, but you can only sharpen one side of it! You can purchase a Samurai sword, but you can’t sharpen it at all! I was told that the Samurai sword is a two handed sword, and they’re powerful enough to take someone’s head off!

What if someone has a gun? Knives and swords by the way are sold in little stores that also sell plastic imitations of real guns. Walk in, and you see M-16s, AK-47s, SIG-SAUER, and the list goes on. They’re almost perfect replicas, with many of the same actions as the real thing. But personally I wouldn’t try firing a round from one, as they’re made to fire little plastic BBs. Some idiots buy them then convert them to fire real bullets!

–Sun, Reporting for Bikernet in the Far East

FROM THE QUOTE BANK– If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

-Dave Barry

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

-Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

-Robin Williams

TREV DEELEY MOTORCYCLES IS HAPPY– to appoint Dave Wallace as the new assistant manager. Dave will start officially in his new position May, 1st, 2000. Many of you know Dave as the assistant director of the Vancouver, BC, CANADA Chapter of HOG, a position he has held for many years. HOG will miss ya Dave but I’m sure you’ll still be riding with us after the job starts.

Congrats, Dave. Your pal, Dan

REMEMBERING RIP I just learned that Rip died and I’d like to send my sympathy to those of you who knew him personally. I’ve read his column for many years. He seemed like a real down-to-earth guy and I’ll miss him.

Tom Giesen

JOHN SIEBENTHALER GOES TO DAYTONA– John is a marketing genius who has launched successful marketing campaigns for TP Engineering, Confederate Cycles and more. He stumbled through Daytona for bike week and this is his bits and pieces report.

Looks like I might be putting something together for Battery Tender.

Battery Tender builds those compact bike battery chargers that know when to turn themselves on and off. Best thing that ever happened to bike batteries, Bandit

Then down to Melbourne to talk with your Chopper East guy Billy at Choppers Inc. A six-speed suicide shift?? What tha’? You’ll be busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Has an engineering degree!! from Florida State. Says he uses his calculus and geometry all the time. Would explain his wild head work.

Daytona Bike Week 2000: leave out one somber fact, that 12 riders were killed. Immediately the reports were that they were all inexperienced yuppies … make that thirteen. Four deaths due to two separate HEAD-ONS! Go figure. One was somebody going UP the I-95 OFF ramp to 92. Ouch! Most of rest due to cages pulling out in front. Seen it before, see it again.

We were guests of Cycle World in their corp. tent at Sunday’s 200. That was really a lot of fun, Sue and I thoroughly enjoyed the day. Race is 20 feet away, most watch on TV. Damn those guys are fast. Part of me says wouldn’t that be cool if, the other part says not even if you held a gun to my head.

-John

Court Rules Against Search A violation of rights was the catalyst for a recent precedent-setting decision by an Ontario court judge. The decision came following the arrest of Paradice Riders Motorcycle Club member Wayne Hayes, who refused to remove his helmet during a safety inspection earlier this year at the club’s summer vacation property in the hamlet of Cessarea. A provincial court judge found that Hayes’ rights had been violated by being subjected to an illegal search. The ruling has set a precedent in Canada against unreasonable searches without a warrant. The police must now have a warrant to search a motocyclist’s person on the roadside or requesting riders to remove their helmets.

CORPORATE LESSON NUMBER ONE

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

WANTED, OPTIC TIMING LIGHT– Hey, ever hear of an optic timing light for sale? Found it once on the Internet. It’s an optic tube stuck on a clear timing plug, don’t know if it’s flexible. Then the tube goes in a rubber funnel of some kind and sticks over your timing light. It’s supposed to direct the light inside the hole instead of flashing all over the place. Let me know if someone knows.

–Doug, Ohio

WHITE HOUSE HUMOR– The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today the president has proven that you CAN get sex from aides!

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair. She supposedly replied, “Close-but no cigar.”

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica’s dress: “Presidue”

President Clinton now only recruits interns from four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State, and Brigham Young.

BURNIN’ DAYLIGHT UPDATE–Through the mud the blood and the beer, two high-profile bikers, Bandit and Zebra come into big money from a nude photo shoot involving their bikes. They decide to blow the entire wad on a bash for their bros. They only have 24 hours to get to the shoot, get the cash, arrange the party and of course nail the models. They put word into the biker grapevine of the party and ride. But when things start to go wrong, they find their money dwindling fast, as well as their supply of motorcycles, whiskey, women, blood and time.

Burnin Daylight, L.A. is the initial foray into the world of motion pictures by the folks at Bikernet.com and if the opening week of filming is any indication of things to come, then the end result should be something to be remembered and censored.

Check the new projector room for more reports from our film correspondent

Site Compliment (You’re kidding!) I’m not one to lay on big sloppy compliments, but up here in Michigan the winters are long, dark and cold and the rides are few and far between until the ice melts away and the sun returns. I’m telling you, I don’t know how I made it before this Web site. It really is the next best thing to getting in the wind. Well it might get up to 40 today and the sun is out. Riding weather is back so I got to go, but keep up the good work.

Kevin Effa

HARLEY-DAVIDSON DAYTONA 200 RESULTS–Picotte Takes 9th at Daytona 200 for H-D Superbike Team. Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Crew Looks Forward to Sears Point

With the satisfaction of seeing its newly developed swingarm improve handling – plus a top-10 finish by Pascal Picotte – the Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Race Team left the Daytona 200 on Sunday with results that bode well for the rest of the season.

Picotte finished in ninth place, while teammate Scott Russell ran hard until stopping due to a vibration problem. On tracks such as Daytona, Picotte said it’s clear where the team will need to improve. “I know our team will be working hard to increase horsepower,” he said. “At the same time, not every track is like Daytona.” Indeed, the Harley-Davidson Superbike Race Team will soon be heading into a schedule more favorable to the sharp-handling VR 1000. The next stop on the AMA Superbike circuit will be held May 5-7 at Sears Point Raceway in Sonoma, Calif., where Picotte took third in 1999. “We had a great setup at Sears Point last year, and that should help us be well-prepared this season,” Picotte said. “It’s always exciting to go back to a track where you’ve had success.”

THE AIM/NCOM E-NEWS SERVICE —is brought to you by Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (A.I.M.) and the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM), and is sponsored by the Law Offices of Richard M. Lester.

Don’t miss this year’s NCOM (National Coalition of Motorcyclists) and AIM Conference at the Airport Clarion Hotel, in SAN FRANCISCO! May 11-13. The host hotel is already booked up. Call BILL BISH at NCOM, at 1-800-ON-A-BIKE, for information on the spillover hotel.

We’re expecting well over 1,000 bikers from ABATE’s and confederations all over the world! THIS FEBRUARY, Sam Hochberg, our Oregon Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (AIM) attorney and I attended the Eugene Free Souls MC anniversary party, I think their 31st. The police “protection” was awesome. Here is a sound club that does good in the community and the Eugene authorities jump all over the chance to harass and intimidate club members and their guests the whole evening. Now, Eugene is supposed to be a liberal town! Not to bikers.

I personally saw a visitor from another club stopped and surrounded by FOUR cruisers not 50 feet from the club property. Cops of every description surrounded this guy because he didn’t signal a right turn. He was riding a restored old Panhead that didn’t have signals from The Factory and it was a dark, moonless night. The only other traffic was bikes coming in and police cars from at least FOUR different jurisdictions. The guy I saw had his little girl with him.

Sam had his adventures too, riding with ABATE member Dave Morgan, along with a cameraman from a local “Cop Watch,” who was videotaping the abomination that was taking place. They watched two bikes in front of them get stopped. Sam was in a car that was between the bikes and the police when the stop was made because one of the bikes supposedly didn’t signal the turn. The camera in the car shot video showing the signals were indeed made. Sam said he was the attorney for the bikers, but the cops made him stay 12 feet away, in the “SAFETY” zone, whatever that was.

The stop was videotaped, while police photographed Sam, the cameraman, and the bikers. After careful thought, I suppose, the cops let it go without a ticket. After that, the next time Sam and friends went out in the car, they were tailed by unmarked cars. Sam says he’s never seen so many police outside of a riot.

How much longer do we have to put up with this kind of treatment? We ride motorcycles and don’t harass anybody. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s time we stopped turning the other cheek.

ZEBRA FAN (THE ONE AND ONLY)– Special Agent Zebra, Excellent story. Glad you’re not dead.

–Pablo

MORE DAYTONA BUZZ FROM JOHN SIENBENTHALER– A lot of buzz was generated by L.A.’s newest cutting edge builder, Mike Berg. New to the ranks of fabricators, Mike’s no beginner when it comes to matching performance to beauty.

His background began in karting, was honed as a TransAm driver, and seems to have consolidated around one of the most radical riding concepts seen – his Minx and Onyx bike lines.

Dual halogen mini-headlights mount beneath the front engine mount. Single front disc but no brake lever means a proportioning valve actuated with the brake pedal. Clutch? Twist backwards on the grip, and slip it in gear. Yes it runs. (Oh baby!) No it’s not subtle.

Whisper is Mike’s headed to Europe for a little show and tell after hitting the mark at the Rat’s Hole show.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON COMMON STOCK MAY BE TRADING AGAIN– Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Company (the “Company”) was notified on March 13, 2000 that the Nasdaq Listing Qualifications Panel (the “Panel”) determined to delist the company’s securities from the Nasdaq Stock Market effective with the open of business on March 14, 2000. At this time, the Company does not intend to appeal the Panel’s decision.

The Company has been informed that since the Panel’s decision, trading in the company’s stock may occur in the “pink sheets” published by National Quotation Bureau LLC. The Company strongly encourages anyone contemplating investing in its securities to proceed cautiously and only after a careful review of publicly available information. The Company has filed an 8-K with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission, dated March 10, 2000, which includes certain financial information filed with the Bankruptcy Court. At this time, the Company expects it will not file its Form 10-K for the year ended December 31, 1999, because of its limited court approved operating budget and the unduly burdensome time and expense involved given its limited operations.

KENYAN WOMEN PROTEST AT DRINKING DENS, DEMAND SEX– A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens they said made their husbands impotent, a local newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The People newspaper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi, brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against excessive drinking by their men folk.

“Our men have turned to vegetables. They leave home early and come back intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives,” the newspaper quoted one woman as saying.

The women, drawn from 24 Catholic church groups, demanded that the officer in charge of the police station either order his men to make love to them or find them new husbands because they were sexually frustrated. The paper did not say how police reacted to their demands.

The women said the population of the district was falling as a result of the poor sexual performance of the men.

CALIFORNIA VOTERS REJECT ANTI-MOTORCYCLIST CANDIDATE– California Assemblyman Richard “Dick” Floyd, who hoped to earn a state Senate seat by portraying motorcyclists as thugs, was soundly defeated in the primary election, the American Motorcyclist Association (AMA) reports.

As part of his Senate campaign, Floyd distributed fliers that pictured motorcyclists and read: “We need someone who will stand up to their threats.” Floyd called California motorcyclists who lobbied their legislators on helmet laws “Hell’s Angels types” who threatened and intimidated lawmakers. Floyd, the father of California’s mandatory helmet use law, claimed he was the only one who “stood up” to the motorcyclists. His campaign flier, mailed to voters, also made unsubstantiated claims that Floyd is saving taxpayers millions of dollars every year in health care and hospital costs because of his support of a state mandatory helmet use law. “Floyd obviously had no record of achievement to present to the voters so he tried to create a fear of motorcyclists to win votes,” said Robert Rasor, AMA vice president for government relations. “The ploy didn’t work. The voters are much smarter than Floyd gives them credit for.”

Assemblyman Edward Vincent, who was supported by ABATE of California and other motorcyclists, easily defeated Floyd in the Democratic primary election in the 25th Senate District (Compton-Inglewood). Vincent will face Republican Cliff McClain for the seat in November’s general election.

STRANGE AND UNUSUAL CUSTOMS In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what?) (Not as great as Guam!)

OUT THE BACK DOOR–I sneak, before she awakes. I’m gone again. The desk is piled high, the phone’s ringing, life is on the edge, just where I want it.

Before I go there’s a new fiction up, written by a brother in federal prison in Texas. He can’t see the piece, ’cause they don’t have access to a computer where he’s at. More fiction is being tweaked. Just around the corner we will start to feature bikes. The brother convinced me that you would like to see some of my old beaters so we’re kicking it off with a gallery of my old sleds. As that comes together another tech is on the horizon on painting and how to pick and what to pay for a paint job from Al Martinez. There’s more, but I’ve got one leg out the back window, and it’s time to roll.

If I survive the weekend, I’ll report back. Time to ride… -Bandit

Hey,

We’re coming out with the news a day early this week, because tomorrow will be bananas. Yes, tomorrow we’ll be spending the entire day at Jesse James, shooting the shit out of everything: There’s that bike he just built; we need another segment of the Great Chop-Off between Bikernet-East and Bikernet-West. There’s a promo shot with the actors from Asphalt Cowboys, a portrait of my lovely self with Jesse James. There’s more tech, and more tech shots. All for the readers of Bikernet. Not bad, eh? Oh, and one of the staff is having a birthday and that will fuck us all completely through the weekend.

Here’s the latest from the site. A new rowdy fiction is up, and an article on Daytec, the frame manufacturer should be flying onto the site momentarily. In addition, the projector room is finally ready to roll. You’ll be able to check out all of our film projects, get involved with one of the movies, enter a contest to be have a star-struck walk on part in one film, and check out the progress of the others.

On another front, we’ve completed three book outlines for the agent in New York. Now it’s his turn to go to work to feed the starving author behind them. Hell, a diet of old pushrod covers gets boring after a while.

There’s a ton of red-hot projects on the horizon. We’re actually looking into a collaboration design of products with JIMS Machine and Tim Condor; we’re working on a rolling chassis design that we hope to bring to the market and make it affordable for the guy on the street.

In the meantime, with a new set of shocks for the Touring Chopper, it handles better than ever, too bad the paint is smoked where the fender heated up against the tire. I’m tearing into my Panhead. Baisley Performance built a set of dual carb heads for that puppy and it’s time to see what they will do. I stripped it yesterday. The heads are magnificent and two polished 42mm Mikunis will give the almost stock ’48 a different look. Other tinkering is going on, but it’s time to get to the news, the girls, the whiskey, and another blast on one wheel over the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro.

Here’s the news:

DEAR CUSTOMER– It has been brought to our attention by several Internet watchdog groups that the content of your site is in questionable good taste and makes repeated references to flagrant violations of both law and order. As your network provider, we would like to remind you that one of the stipulations in our agreement to provide you with iIternet access is that you maintain a level of acceptable decency at all times and that you obey all local, state and federal laws.

Please review the contents of your site and remove any and all references to lewd behavior, illicit drug abuse, murder, sodomy, sex with animals, Japanese motorcycles, John Towle and/or the Chinaman, overpriced melons, prostitution, sex with minors, especially those related closely to you, and disparaging remarks made toward the great leaders of our hallowed nation, like Bill “The Liar” Clinton.

If you do not do this voluntarily, we will be forced to go through your site and replace each offensive or vulgar remark with a pretty flower icon. Remember, globalization requires us all to fall in lock step for the Ubber Furher, big business and issue neutrality.

Yours truly, Big Brother

DEAR BANDIT AND STAFF– I work for a non-profit organization in Michigan dedicated to protecting the individual legal rights of Americans. Primarily we help obtain legal representation for those who can not find it on their own, and we try to educate the public as to their legal rights.

I am working on a brochure (“Live Free…And Ride”), aimed at informing bike enthusiasts of their legal protections. I would like to include some of the information from your site. Please e-mail me if this is permissible. I would be happy to include information containing a link to your site.

This will be for distribution in Michigan only. We do not in any way charge for these brochures. Your information would be extremely helpful to bikers everywhere. Your site is fantastic!!!

Thank You, Kate Crane Attorney Referral Service, Inc. Advocate Legal Services katcrane@gte.net

No problem Kate, go for it. We will do anything we can to assist bikers with legal protection. In fact, I’m in jail right now, and could really use some help. Ya see, it’s a long story, but I’m innocent, really I am. Call any girl in San Pedro with an attorney’s name. She’ll know what to do–thanks, Bandit.

A TOP TEN FINISH FOR HARLEY-DAVIDSON IN DAYTONA–The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Race Team left the Daytona 200 on Sunday with results that bode well for the rest of the season. Picotte finished in ninth place, while teammate Scott Russell ran hard until stopping due to a vibration problem.

On tracks such as Daytona, Picotte said, “It’s clear where the team will need to improve. I know our team will be working hard to increase horsepower,” he said. “At the same time, not every track is like Daytona.”

Indeed, the Harley-Davidson Superbike Race Team will soon be heading into a schedule more favorable to the sharp-handling VR 1000. The next stop on the AMA Superbike circuit will be held May 5-7 at Sears Point Raceway in Sonoma, Calif., where Picotte took third in 1999. “We had a great set-up at Sears Point last year, and that should help us be well-prepared this season,” Picotte said. “It’s always exciting to go back to a track where you’ve had success.”

NASCAR STARS HEADLINE VICTORY IN DAYTONA– Today NASCAR Winston Cup star Kyle Petty led nearly 200 Victory bikers on a ride through Daytona Beach. Petty joined Polaris Industries/Victory Motorcycles CEO Tom Tiller and Daytona radio personality Frank Scott of WHOG-FM for Victory’s second-annual Daytona customer ride.

As part of the morning festivities, one lucky biker, Kathy Grogan of Cocoa Beach, Fla., won a new Victory Motorcycle. Petty, Tiller and Scott announced the contest winner at the Victory truck and trailer prior to revving up for their ride.

After awarding the motorcycle, Petty, Tiller and Scott led the Victory caravan to Bethune Point Park for a barbecue lunch. Tiller rode a Victory motorcycle customized by master builder Arlen Ness.

“Now that’s what I call a Victory lap,” said Petty. “I’ve been talking with hardcore bikers here at Bike Week, and it’s easy to see Victory is really breaking out of the pack.”

THE BLONDE ATTACK–Yo, here’s the humdinger blonde joke to end all others–Zebra

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: “I’ve heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, Asshole! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor!”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!”

TWO-THIRD OF NEW MOTORCYCLE ARE ON-LINE– According to a JD Power & Assoc. study, more than two out of every three new motorcycle owners report having access to the internet, with more than half of those indicating they used the internet to shop for the bike they eventually purchased. Consumers in the sport and dual-sport segments show a higher propensity to use the internet. They tend to be younger and more educated than new motorcycle owners in other segments and are more likely to have access to the internet.

According to recent market study performed by the drunks in the garage at Bikernet, most of those bastards on line, are sneaking into the internet while at work. The rest of the time, they complain about not being paid enough and what a prick their boss is.

HAWAIIAN JEWELRY CONNECTION” The whales are at their peak and putting on a grand performance, so we have decided to pull out the kayak and get in the middle of it on Saturday.

“My still unfinished Web site is cathleenbunt.com, and I’d love to sell some bikers jewelry, but I only use gold and they’ll have to be into a somewhat classical style.

“Hey, I don’t mind being the wild woman from Maui. — all the best, Cathleen

She was wild, but don’t tell anyone–Bandit.

MORE STRANGE LAWS– There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

MAXIM STOCK QUOTES– Here’s another bit from Maxim magazine. They created there own guy-driven mutual fund called the Maxim 2000 which includes stock such as Home Depot, “They open three stores a week”. And soon the hardware store chain with have a major on-line shop.

Pfizer for their Viagra score especially if “given the reports that Viagra may be as effective for women as it is for men.” Bud, the king of beers, need I say more, and of course Harley-Davidson. Here’s what they had to report on our life’s blood:

“There’s no stopping the stock at cruising speed. In recent years Harley (symbol: HDI) has managed to expand outside the biker market. It sells leather, cheeseburgers, even insurance. The stock was up some 50% in ’99 and is still growing. Harley recently repurchased 2.4 million of its own shares, which means it’s investing in its future.”

Other stocks mentioned were: Qualcomm; Carter Wallace (they make Trojans); Cablevision and MGM Grand.

Dear Whiner (John Towle), I read your gripping account of black misfortune in the news this week and simply had to reply. In your woeful documentation of unspotted strife and high grief, you mentioned that you had your last worldly possession snatched away from you by the powers of legal evil, your 1947 Edsel automobile. Treachery! Now you’re on foot. I can imagine, being such a dumpy, sawed-off slob, what a dismal fate it must be to have to walk. Do your legs even work anymore?

From you incessant sniveling it’s obvious your giblets do not. Ruck up you crybaby maggot eater! You rat fuck whiner shit-for-brains! Why don’t you get off the pot and come clean. You married a WOMAN for Christ’s sake! What did you expect? Eternal bliss? Endless joy? Ceaseless fantasia?

Even the Chinaman is smart enough not to legally engage himself to a fuckin’ broad. Man, the next time I go to Korea, I’m taking you with me. You clearly need an education, you dumb motherfucker. You can buy a shot of ass with a glass of rice whiskey for a 1,000 won over there. You know what the exchange rate on a won is right now, you crybaby bitchkitty? A thousand to one. That means for one American buck, you can get a gut full of whiskey and a mouthful of fine Asian sushi that’ll “suck you wong time.”

You sound like Bandit. That empty-headed smallbore rider has had what, six wives? The guy would own Bel Air by now if he’d had the brains to just BUY the pussy on the open market. But no, he has to go and pay 100 times what the twat is worth on the open market by actually purchasing the vehicle.

Now quit your bellyaching and get busy drawing some fuckin’ cartoons, picture boy. You’re making everyone at the Titdome (Bikernet.com East) sick to our stomachs. With love, Zebra, Bikernet.com East, Miami Beach Eurotwat Division

DENNIS HOPPER ON EASY RIDER–I a recent Maxim interview Dennis Hopper said the following regarding an Easy Rider sequel, “Well, they can do a sequel without me. It might turn out great, but it seems like a pretty bad idea, if you ask me.”

HEY, HERE’S SOME JOKE’S FOR YOUR NEXT NEWS PAGE–As a blonde headed man, I’ve had many opportunities to be involved with women of the same color and I can honestly say, none of them ever knew I was a blonde. Wait, what was I saying? Zebra

Q: WHY CAN’T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE’S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

MILLER BREWING & HARLEY-DAVIDSON PARTNER TO PROMOTE RESPONSIBLE RIDING– Miller Brewing and Harley-Davidson are joining together to promote responsible motorcycle riding in a program that will feature Miller Lite stock car driver Rusty Walleye. Miller Lite will make a contribution to the National Motorcycle Safety Fund based on Walleye’s performance on the racetrack in the three events in which he drives a Miller/H-D car.

Dear Mr. Bandit– I am trying to get my wife’s head unstuck from between the back tire and the back fender. I’ve tried extended burnouts, power jacking and high speed runs across town. Nothing works I simply cannot get her unstuck. I’m getting frustrated and the old lady won’t quit whining! People stare at us now at all the runs and it’s not the good kind of staring. I’m afraid I’m going to get into trouble with the DMV, too. Also, my insurance says they won’t cover her now, because she falls into the “additional chrome” category and my policy won’t cover add-ons. Any suggestions? Dave Jones, “Geek” Alabama

AMA’s Membership Exceeds 250,000– As of late February, total AMA membership rose above 250,000 for the first time in their 76-year history, marking an increase of more than 21,000 members, or 9%, over this time last year. The AMA has a history of pursuing, protecting and promoting the interests of motorcyclists. For more information, call (800) AMA-JOIN or visit their Web site at www.AMADirectlink.com.

Hey, we now have a legislative update running on the site and updated weekly by Mike Osborn, Oz@bikernet.com. If nothing else, every biker should be a member of his local motorcycle rights group. Write Mike if you need an address for your local MRO. These guys keep us in the wind year after year. Do it, and don’t come back until you have, goddammit.

DAYTONA CORRESPONDENT REPORT–Over and back Wednesday, over and back for Sunday’s race, in HFM corp. suite.

Quick takes…

What was once visceral, now corporate. Too many people, too sanitized, too orchestrated.

Remember when the ad slogan “Clean Restrooms Inside!” was enough to get you to pull over? Yeah, like that.

Hard to remember back when clubs claimed bars on Main Street, and woe be transgressors.

When the Cabbage Patch was known for pink slip drags, not dumb-ass coleslaw wrestling.

Some cat, maybe 6 feet, hauling around an 8-foot cross made in wood shop. T-shirt proselytizing about Jesus and sin, etc. Oh, this inside ER corral.

Too many over-the-hill ex-dancers waddling around in leather halters and mini-skirts.

Can you tell Titan from Royal Ryder from Pure Steel from, what’s this, War Eagle? Me neither.

All of this is just an old coot yakking. I talk about the old days. I’m the last one you’ll see rolling out a blanket with leathers for a pillow, anxious for a night under the stars. Uh-uh. I want turn-down service, room charge bar tab, clean sheets and plenty of hot water in the morning to even out the aches.

Stopped by E-H. Bad karma, right across from H-D. Waited around for 20 minutes or so to talk with Dave H. but he was out blasting around on the new glide front end. Which is sooo much better looking. ‘Ya gotta wonder.

Saw guy at Aprilia, but my pick for best corporate demo ride setup is BMW. They’ve got their market covered like vice cops at a hookers convention. A very innovative operation, with plenty of inspiration for others to copy.

Spent more time with Mike Berg. Guy’s off the scale. Willy G stopped by his booth. Folks had better be paying close attention to TMC. Time was they could care less what aftermarket did.

More later, -John

EXCELSIOR FLAG FLIES IN DAYTONA–Following are excerpts for the Orlando Sentinel: “Fans of Excelsior-Henderson, one of America’s first brands of motorcycles, may have reason to be optimistic.

“The company is not only providing test rides during Bike Week in Daytona Beach, it’s also using the world’s largest motorcycle event to introduce a new, lower-priced cruiser–a major surprise.

A cash crunch forced Excelsior to halt production late last year after about 2,000 bikes were built. Dave Hanlon said he could not comment on the status of the Excelsior’s reorganization plan other than to say he remained hopeful that a plan would be approved by shareholders and creditors.

The rumor mill among dealers and enthusiasts has a German company ready to take control of Excelsior.”

It seems a shame that the two new marquees in this country, Indian and E-H, would be owned by foreign entities. Certainly we have the wherewithal domestically.

THE FINAL BLAST– That’s it for the news. I know, it’s mostly bullshit and lies, but at least it comes with a toothless grin and a rib-breaking slap on the back. Listen, this weekend will be non-stop. No I can’t tell you who I’m seeing or what she looks like, or how many there are. It just wouldn’t be fair.

The above reports on Daytona Bike Week 2000 leave out one somber fact, that 12 riders were killed. Immediately the reports were that they were all inexperienced yuppies. That may be a contributing factor, but my belief is that when it’s your time, you’re history, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been riding 30 years or 30 minutes. Hell, I should have been run over about 40 times by now, and I’m still alive–I think. Anyway, my heart goes out to those riders and their families. At least they were doing what they loved.

Speaking of that, the sun is out, the girls are waiting, let’s ride, goddamnit!

–Bandit

Hey,

Damn it’s nice outside. The sun makes allthe boats in theharbor appear cleaner that they are. Thenight’s mysteriesare reduced due to the recent abductionof Agent Zebra whois back in Miami raising havoc with Billyof Choppers Inc.This last week I pounded out the thirdin a series ofmadcapped articles for Horse Magazine.If they’ll grant methe ominous privilege, I’ll reprint theback issue storieshere for you to review, although, theygo way beyond whatGumba the cat will allow me to print here.

I was putting the final touches on an interviewwith HarryFisher the Colonel of the Victor McLaglenMotor Corps,when there was a banging on the shed door.Two girls ranout of the back of the house jumped thefence and ran tothe Burrito Factory on the corner to hideuntil they got acall from me. I grabbed at any drawerin the shanty andpulled. There’s a gun in every drawer,every closet, underevery bed. I yanked out something so bizarre,it mighthave been a rusting bear trap. I wasn’tsure how tooperated the slide. I shoved it back inthe drawer andpulled the Spyderco on my hip, snappingit open. I yankedthe front door open and there stood threeof the meanestsonsabitches I’d ever laid my roadmapeyes on. I wasstunned. The kid in front, with the baseballcap onbackwards snarled at me. I was too frightenedto figureout what he was saying, but the back ofhis baseball capread “World Famous JIMS Products”. Hehad to be alright.

I tried to remember what happened lastweekend, who I waswith, what joint I was thrown out of.I couldn’t remembera thing–bad answer. Mr. Baseball capand his cohortgrabbed me by the arms and mumbled somethingaboutdropping my body at a Mexican Restaurantin East L.A. Mybody? What happened to good old AmericanCats? “Gumba,” Iyelled as they drug me to a rumbling Suburbanat the curb.Then I realized who the ring leader was,Kim Hotinger, abig thick man with a graying goatee. Hissister once workin the same joint I did. Terror struck,my knees wentweak, what could I have said to her? Someonehit me on theback of the head with a pipe and I wentout. We better getto the news:

BIKERNET COMLINK ACTIVATED–ZEBRA HERE…

THE GREAT BIKERNET CHOP-OFF–TheGreat BikernetBikernet.com west and Bikernet.com eastlock horns,chopper style. No, there hasn’t been someunfortunateaccident in the Bikernet World Headquartersgarageinvolving a band saw. This is somethingmore far reaching(so to speak) with much greater implications(punintended). In what might very well bea showdown of thetwo top custom chopper builders in theworld, BikernetWest and Bikernet East, commanded by Banditand myselfrespectively, have squared off to seewho can crank outthe most hardcore, outlaw chopper forour run to Sturgis,2000.

Bandit will be calling on the extensivetalents of JesseJames (yes, he’s a direct descendant ofthe mass murdererfrom Missouri) and his Long Beach goosenecker monstershop, West Coast Choppers. See the linkon the Bikernethomepage to go to Jesse’s website. I willbe looking toeast coast engineering expert and go-fastgiraffespecialist, Billy Lane and his band oftrash-can boreoutlaws at Choppers Inc. Go to Choppersinc.comto seeBilly’s website (a link will be comingshortly to Bikernetas well and we look forward to addingBilly and his crewto our site of A-list companies).

I tossed the gauntlet into a puddle ofJack about a monthago in L.A. and Bandit accepted the challengewith hisusual 1%er gusto. We were trying to figureout what to dothis year for Sturgis which would representBikernet andits corporate motto of “Have fun or dietrying”. We talkedabout riding stock antiques. We talkedabout buildingShovels. We’d been spending a good amountof time atJesse’s place in Long Beach for variousreasons, somelegal, and Jesse was already tearing downtheexceptionally cool, but virtually unrideableBandit II.

We also have been in close communicationwith Billy on theeast coast and I was planning to run outto Miami Beachand grab a place to establish a Bikernetpresence on theother side of the highway. Then it hitme, why not haveboth chopper shops create their most unique,most elitework, with absolutely no limits and completeauthority togo far beyond boundaries, then let thepeople decide. So,it was agreed, we would each build a verycustom chopper,one that illustrated our personal preferencesin ridingand style. We’re planning (providing we’reboth stillliving) to ride the monsters north. We’llbe riding fromMelbourne, Florida and Bandit from SanPedro, California.We’ll meet at Two-Wheelers in Coloradofor one longdrunken brawl, then a 450 miles ride northand east, so wecan put the bikes on display at the OKCorral ofmotorcycling–Sturgis. Ballot boxes willbe available andbikers will be able to cast their votefor their favoritechop.

To spice things up beyond simple pride,the loser pays forthe other bro’s entire trip. With my usualimmenseconfidence and complete disregard formisfortune, I planto wrack up enormous bills in anticipationof Banditfronting all my costs when I whip hisass. And of courseyou can expect him to do the same. Itshould be a monstershowdown. Both Billy and Jesse are provensuperpowers whenit comes to big horsepower stretch necks,with seriousengineering skills and exceptionally creativeminds thatresult in motorcycles which make grownmen drool andweaker riders seek cover. Both buildersride their ownmachines and ride them hard. In fact,it could be saidthat the front tires on either Billy orJesse’s personalchoppers are formalities, as they rarelyspend any time onthem. As Jesse once told me in his shop,”We’re our ownR&D department when it comes to stresstesting. If a partcan be broken, we’ll break it long beforeit could everget to a customer.” If Billy told me hehad 1,000 miles onhis back tire, I would estimate him tohave about 100 onhis front tire.

We’re even going to provide a separateweb page for theshowdown, which will allow you to seeside by sidecomparisons of the bikes as they evolve.I’m sorry to sayBandit is already way out in front withthe constructionprocess, and you can view the beginningsof the Bandit IIIin the bikernet garage. Billy and Jessewill each be givena special place in their respective sectionsto writeupdates on anything which they feel mightbe pertinent orof interest to our three hundred thousand-plushitters whoread Bikernet each month (yes that’s over30,600,000worldwide hits annually and climbing,a Bikernet personalbest). You can count on a couple of things,the contestwon’t be boring, Bandit and I won’t playfair, and themachines will be outstanding.

Zebra, Bikernet.com east, Miami Beach 12:34a.m.,somewhere over Texas

Ehlert Publishing GroupAnnounces LaunchOfWomen’sMotorcycle Publication–Maple Grove, Minnesota(March 1,2000) ? Ehlert Publishing Group, Inc.has announced thelaunch of a new magazine targeting womenmotorcycleenthusiasts. The premiere issue of WomanRider will makeits debut in early July.

Woman Rider will launch as an annual in2000, with acontrolled distribution of 40,000 copies.Plans call for aconversion to paid subscriptions and afour-time frequencyin 2001. The initial 40,000 distributionwill come fromEhlert’s database of women motorcycleowners. Woman Riderwill join Ehlert’s stable of motorcyclepublications thatinclude Rider, American Rider, CruisingRider and ThunderPress.”The motorcycle industry continuesto grow at ahealthy rate, with 1999 retail sales up24% from a yearago. A big part of that growth is comingfrom the women’ssegment,” explained Group Publisher DickHendricks.”Current statistics show that one in every12 motorcycleowners in the U.S. is a woman. Women madeup nearly 10% ofnew bike purchasers this past year. Thetime is right fora quality, lifestyle magazine for activewomen motorcycleenthusiasts.”

Genevieve Schmitt has been named editorof Woman Rider.Schmitt previously served as editor ofthe now-defunctpublication Asphalt Angels. She is anactive motorcycleenthusiast who has also produced and reportedmotorcyclesegments for “Bike Week,” which airs onthe Speedvisioncable network, and for “Travel Daily,”which airs on TheTravel Channel.

Two little potatoes are standing on thestreet corner–How can youtell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the little sticker thatsays “IDAHO”.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON CVO SPREADS ITS WINGSWITH THE NEWSCREAMIN’ EAGLE ROAD GLIDE– Harley-Davidson’sCustomVehicle Operations(CVO) Program continuesto soar with theintroduction of its newest customvehicle-theFLTRSEIScreamin’ Eagle Road Glide. In designingthe FLTRSEI,theCVO team looked to the Screamin’ EaglePro Stock race teamforinspiration. The result is a radical,yet street-legal,custom thatshowcases Screamin’ Eagle highperformanceparts and reflectsHarley-Davidson’s racingheritage. 

The CVO program, which created the enormouslysuccessfulCustom FXRline, was established in orderto testHarley-Davidson’s ability to producehighlycustomized andaccessorized, low-volume, niche motorcycles.Theoverwhelming success of this eliteline has proven thatHarley-Davidson’sCVO program is here tostay, fulfillingcustomer dreams with custommotorcycles.

The FLTRSEI Screamin’ Eagle Road Glidefeatures a highperformance1550cc Twin Cam motor in silverand chrome. Thepowertrain utilizesScreamin’ Eagle performancepartsconfigured in a special street-legalpackage,includingbig-bore cylinders, flat-top pistons,intakecalibrationcartridge, and air cleanerfor a 10% increasein horsepower and 14% gain intorque.  

The Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide also featuresmore than$7,500 inGenuine Harley-Davidson customaccessories andoffers two exciting custompaint schemesto choose from: aBlack and VR Racing Orange and ArcticWhiteor Three-toneRed-both with Screamin’ Eagle racing graphics.Theadditionalaccessories include:

* Touring Mufflers with Shark Fin End Capsand Full ChromeShields

* New Seat with Color Inserts (red only)and matchingRider, Passenger andTour Pak Mounted PassengerBackrestPads

* New Cloisonn? Tour Pak Lid Emblem, 1550ccAir CleanerInsert and NewConsole Inserts

* Painted Inner Fairing on Red Version

* Fairing Lowers

* Silver Sparkle 9-Spoke Cast AluminumWheels

* Black Wall Tires

* Fairing Lower Storage Boxes-color matchedon red paintscheme

* Saddlebags and Tour Pak Liners

* Tear Drop Floating Brake Rotors-Frontand Rear

* Aluminum style Chrome Billet Mirrors

* Smoked Low-profile Windshield

* Painted Saddlebag Filler Strips

* Silver Painted Front Brake Calipers withChrome Inserts

* Chrome Dip Stick

* Girder-Style Shift Levers

* Silver Gauge Faces

* Detachable Passenger Backrest with Pad

* Cruise Control

* Chrome and Rubber Style Hand Grips, RiderFoot BoardInserts, Brake PedalPad and Shifter Peg

* Chrome Instrument Bezels on auxiliarygauges

* Chrome O.E. Style Handlebars

* Detachable Shorty Tour Pak with Liner,PassengerBackrest and InteriorLight

* Tour Pak Spoiler with Integrated BrakeLight

* Polished Stainless Steel Shift Linkage

* Chrome Front Axle Nut Covers

* Braided Stainless Steel Front Brake Line

* Chrome Hand Control Levers

* Chrome Handlebar Switch Housings

* Chrome Lower Fork Sliders with ChromeCow Bells

* Chrome Passenger Footrests with Chrome3-slot Footpegs

* Chrome Rear Master Cylinder Cover

* Chrome Lower Fairing Mounts

* Matching Indoor Motorcycle Storage Coverwith Screamin’Eagle Graphics

The Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide has a limitedproduction of1550units, each with a suggested U.S.retail price of$22,495 (California pricesslightly higher).The 2000FLTRSEI carries Harley-Davidson’s standard12-month,unlimited mileage warranty and will beavailableatHarley-Davidson dealerships throughoutthe United Statesand Canada.

For additional information on the Screamin’Eagle RoadGlide andHarley-DavidsonGenuine MotorParts and GenuineMotor Accessories, visit the Harley-Davidsonwebsite atwww.harley-davidson.com. To find a dealernear you, calltoll free1-800-443-2153 in the U.S.

STRANGE CUSTOMS–In Lebanon, menare legally allowed tohave sex with animals, but the animalsmust be female.Having sexual relations with a male animalis punishable bydeath. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examinea woman’sgenitals, but isprohibited from lookingdirectly at themduring the examination. He mayonly seetheir reflection ina mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at thegenitals of acorpse. This also applies to undertakers;the sex organsof the deceased must be covered withabrick or piece ofwood at all times. (A brick??) The penaltyformasturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.(Which head?)

HA LEATHERS–I just bought my secondvest from Little Joe,who has been making leathers for bikersfor over fiveyears. It’s startling what a man can dowhen he puts his30 years of experience into each product.I’m notmentioning this because of something hedid for me. Thisis a man who has been a Hells Angel forover 20 years andhas put everything he knows into designingleather wearthat looks good and performs well. Weall know theproblems we can have with leather shit,well you won’thave those problems with Joe’s products.Give him a call,and he’ll send you a flier, (800) 329-8101.

JON TOWLE CHECKS IN

ALRIGHT TROOPS, LISTEN UP! As someof you know, most of myworldly goods have been surrendered orconfiscated by thepowers that be due to a marriage gonesouth and a hugedebt racked up by a certain female thatshall remainnameless (okay some of it could have beenme).

One of the few things I have left is mycar…..a nice onetoo. Well guess what? bye bye mother-fuckingcar! They’retaking my only mode of transportationboys and girls.

Due to the fact that I trust almost nobody,I ask you finefolks for leads or offers of a cheep setof wheels foryours truly ( let’s keep in mind thatI do have a littlepride and only speak English…just kidding).I willrebound from this living hell in time,but right now I’vebeen sucker punched in a big way, if youcatch my drift.thanks for any help, your angry pal,

Jon Towle-(jon@bikernet.com)

WEEK THREE OF MAKING– “Burnin’Daylight, L.A.” As with alllarge projects, “Burnin’ Daylight, L.A.”,the first in aseries of biker videos from Bikernet,is not without itsproduction problems. Motorcycle crashesand arrests haveplagued the making of this outlandishvideo, though theyhaven’t dampened spirits notably. Butthis week an eventdid take place which managed to slow productionfor atleast the first few days. Bandit disappeared.Marko, TheDestroyer, and the director, was stormingall over theplace trying to find the missing outlaw,while Zebra usedthe time to catch up on missed phone callsto his womenout of state (on Bandit’s home phone)and make friendswith a couple of new ladies he met recentlyduringfilming. “Tryke groupies” as Zebra callsthem.

“They’re just innocent young ladies whoare attracted tomotorcycles and guys with long knives,”Zebra told mematter-of-factly as he chatted up a younglady withenormous breasts at Bandit’s pad in SanPedro. “I’mwilling to take these young girls undermy protective wingand teach them the secret love makingtechniques of theancient Chinese. At least I think it’sChinese, itinvolves chopsticks and Bandit said somethingabout sushibefore he split. Where’d he go? Who knows?Bandit just upand rides sometimes. Maybe Texas. He’llbe backeventually. I don’t know what the bigto-do is all about.It’s Marko really. He’s from Argentina.You know howLatins are. Very excitable. I tried toget him to drinksome whiskey and knock off a piece offresh pussy, buthe’s too wound up. Fuck him.”

“I’m just trying to control my rage,” Markorespondedvehemently when I questioned Bandit’swhereabouts. “Tosimply disappear right in the middle ofmaking a movie isfucking unreal. It’s insane. The guy isentirelyunpredictable. I can’t work like this.We’re spendingthousands of dollars a day on this fuckingmovie and oneof the two principles just vanishes. I’mgoing to killhim. I swear to God I’m going to killhim.”

When I asked Marko what it’s been likeworking with Banditand the Zebra to date he flew into a rageand punched hispickup truck before responding.

“It’s been fucking awful! They won’t doanything I tellthem to do. They’re always off fuckingthe models whenwe’re trying to shoot them. Bandit musthave picked up 40women in two weeks. One was maybe 17,maybe. Sure, she wasa hottie, but 17? That’s prison time,man.

Zebra shoots everything. Yesterday he shota fucking$6,000 digital camera! $6,000! That fuckingthing didn’teven belong to me! It belongs to Playboy!I’m going tohave to pay for that. Then Bandit spilledJack Daniels ona roll of film and we had to re-shootan entire sequence.They’re completely rogue, they’re outof control all thetime. I never know what they’re goingto do next.”

When I inquired as to why Zebra would shoota camera, TheDestroyer again punched his pickup.

“I’m trying to hard to control my rageright now, Joe.It’s so hard. The fucking guy- he- fucking,who knows?!Some crazy shit about a giant lizard thatwas hiding inthe camera or some sort of shit. Apparentlyhe and Banditgot into some LSD or something when wewere filming. Ithink they gave some to the models too,because later inthe day they were all freaking out andrunning all overthe set naked. I don’t know. Can you imaginethat? LSD?During a photo shoot? After the shoot?Fine. But during?Jesus! I’ve worked with bikers on a dozenprojects before,like “Choppers and Chicks”, but I’ve neverseen anythinglike these fucking guys. We’ll never getthis fuckingthing done. Never. I’m just trying tocontrol my rage.”Stay tuned for more updates on “Burnin’Daylight, L.A.

Joseph Smithee, film correspondent at largereporting forbikernet.comWeek Three, “Burning’ Daylight,L.A.”

POETRY IN MOTION — I went througha hot rain, trying to findthe essences of my soul, only tofind pain.

I went through the darkest night, waitingto hear theBlack Bell toll.

I’ve been in a countless crowd. Still,I was covered in ashroud.Breathing but feeling nothing.Except a cold windat my back. Feeling thecards of life againstme, begin tostack.Hearing the hoof beats of the LastRider in adistance.

It’s my time to feel the saddle’s fit &pull on the ghostrider’s bit.Let out a cough, and bloodI will spit. In thewind, my heart & horse thatbecomessteel will mend.

Finally together we will blend. Going downour long emptyroad, I laugh, myhair flys, I no longerfeel the load.

Keep it together Brothers.

–JD

AMERICAN QUANTUM SIGNS 10 NEW DEALERS–Melbourne,AmericanQuantum Cycles signed up 10 new dealersat the PowersportsDealer Expo in Indianapolis in February,bringing theirtotal dealer network to 61. The 61 dealersputs AQ aheadof their business plan of 68 dealers bythe end of thefiscal year.

Way to go, guys.

Hey Bandit (& clan), great site– I’veheard about it andknew that you had branched out, lookslike you made theright choice. It was great to see yourarticle onSportster horsepower (see garage). I’mglad that youadmitted that most bikers started outon a Sportster.Seems most have forgotten that. My wifeand I love ours.She rides a hopped up Hugger, was an 883but we cut ourlocal speed guy loose on it and now she’spushin’ around75 hp. Not bad for a street runner. Minewas a fairlystock 1200 Custom, till a cager decidedto rearrange thebike and my leg. It’s in the shop nowgetting put backtogether and should look tough when it’sdone. HP upgradeswill have to wait. About rigid riders,would love to readanything about the rigids. After payingoff my basic ride,I’m gonna start a rigid chopper. Not surewhat engine(probably Shovel) but it’s gonna be astripped down,no-shit real fuckin’ bike.

Hey, check the garage and above for thetwo rigids goingto Sturgis this year–Bandit

WORLDS FUNNIES SEX JOKES– by populardemand, We will runthe standards of the industry in threesegments. There’sonly nine, man. Enjoy ’em.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants toask the clerk aquestion.As he turns to go to the frontdesk,heaccidentally bumps into a womanbesidehim and as hedoes, his elbow goes into her breast.They arebothstartled and he says, “Ma’am, if yourheart is as softas your breast, I know you’ll forgiveme.” She replies,”If your penis is as hard as yourelbow,I’m in room 1221.”

A young man walks up and sits down at thebar. “What can Iget you?”the bartender inquires. “I want6 shots ofJagermeister,” responded theyoung man.”6 shots?!? Are youcelebrating something?” “Yeah, myfirstblowjob.” “Well, inthat case, let me give you a 7th on thehouse.””Nooffense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t getrid of the taste,nothing will.”

A businessman boards a flight and is luckyenough to beseated next toan absolutely gorgeous woman.They exchangebrief hellos and he noticessheis readinga manual aboutsexual statistics. He asks her about itand she replies,”This is a very interesting book aboutsexualstatistics.It identifies that American Indians havethe longestaveragepenis and Polish men have the biggestaveragediameter. By the way, myname is Jill.What’s yours?” Hecoolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nicetomeet you.”

COME IN, OVER–I read Zebra’s latestramblings. Don’t knowwhere he is or what he’s been snorting(or drinking,smoking and porking),but he is definitelyNOT in Korea.The characters shown in his writings arenot Korean, butChinese. Living in Taiwan, I should know.Those kinds ofcharacters you will see mostly in placeslike China,Taiwan, or Japan since their writing isbased on Chinesecharacters.

The notorious Agent must have been on somethingif hebelieved you or anybody when they saidKorea is balmy.Yeah, right fella! Korea is only balmyduring the summer.Now it’s winter and your nuts get so coldthat when theyhit together they sound like ice cubestinkling in a glassof Jack Daniel’s! If you want balmy, headfarther south toThailand, Malaysia, or the Philippines.Of course thenZebra wouldn’t get any work done, he’dbe too busydebauching himself and all those lovelyAsian beauties,swilling that cheap whiskey, and generallygetting a worldclass case of the clap!

Now here’s a little news item you mighthave heard about.This young pop star named Cheng, who issupposedly verypopular in Asia, was on a L.A. to HongKong flight. Iforget the airline. Anyway, as soon ashe’s in his seat,he starts drinking like crazy. ChampagneSome wine, andseveral glasses of cognac. So he startssinging loudly,grabs the arm of a passenger next to him,and begins toyell. The guy goes to complain to thecrew about thebehavior and smoking in the first classcabin, and prettysoon the co-pilot comes to try and stopthe guy and getsgrabbed around the throat. Later the pilotjoins in andhas to brain the guy with a flashlightto shut him up! SoHelvetica”>the flight had to land in Anchorage, Alaska.For somereason this forced the pilot to dump 6,000pounds of fuel!

The singer, as a U.S. citizen, faces apossible sentenceof twenty years and a sizable fine. Idon’t know aboutyou, but I think it’s a really bad ideato start a fightor any kind of trouble when your 40,000feet in the air!And who was flying the plane when theasshole was causingall this trouble!? I’ve heard since thathe paid a fineand was released. Personally, I thinkfor all the troubleand inconvenience he caused they should’veflushed himdown the can as they passed over Alaska.

That’s it! Keep riding and writing, Sun

NEW ENGLAND MOTORCYCLISTS AND MRF STOPHELMET LAW–The NH House of Representatives killedthe latest proposal for ahelmet law in the state. Following twohearings, the billwas given status of “Inexpedient to Legislate”by aunanimous vote. Not one of the 400 Housemembers,including the sponsors, thought the helmetlaw billmerited further consideration.

The MRF and other motorcyclists’ rightsorganizationscontributed testimony to the hearings.full story

DEAR RESIDENT–I am an avid readerand I would like tocomment on this Zebra character. He seemslike a wonderfulperson with a great deal of misunderstoodenergy. Perhapsa few weeks in the Betty Ford clinic andsomeunderstanding would be better than yourperpetual chiding.You may be driving him deeper into hisstate of aggressivebliss. You may also want to try gettingout of his fuckin’way when you ride on the open road, becauseyou ride likea girl and he’s sick of having to blowby your fat asseverytime he rides with you.

The anonymous reader…

DARWIN AWARDS– In February, accordingto police inWindsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, andRandy Taylor, 33,died in a head-on collision, thus earninga tie in thegame of chicken they were playing withtheir snowmobile.

In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festivalin Novemberincludes five days of amateur bullfighting.This year, nobull was killed, but dozens of matadorswere injured,including one gored in the head, and oneBobbittized. Saidone participant, “It’s just one bull against[a town of] athousand morons.”

PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealouszoo-keeper FriedrichRiesfeldt fed a constipated elephant Stefan22 doses ofanimal laxative and more than a bushelof berries, figs,and prunes before the plugged-up pachydermfinally letfly, and suffocated the keeper under 200pounds of poop!!!Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich,46, wasattempting to give the ailing elephantan olive-oil enemawhen the relieved beast unloaded on himlike a dump truckfull of mud. “The sheer force of the elephant’sunexpecteddefecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to theground, where hestruck his head on a rock and lay unconsciousas theelephant continued to evacuate his bowelson top of him,”said flabbergasted Paderborn police detectiveErik Dern.”With no one there to help him, he layunder all that dungfor at least an hour before a watchmancame along, andduring that time, the keeper suffocated.It seems to bejust one of those freak accidents thathappen.”

BUELL RACING SETS SITES FOR 2000–as the title sponsorfor AMA Pro Thunder Series. The comingyear promises to beanother action-packed racing season forthe BuellMotorcycle Company. Following a successful1999 season,the Wisconsin-based company will expandits racingparticipation this year by sponsoringthree series inwhich Buell motorcycles compete: The AMABuell Pro ThunderSeries, the PACE Formula USA Buell LightningSeries andthe ADBA Buell SS/XL Series. Don’t missa race.

AVON TYRE CHART--After many programmingheadaches our HTMLWizard, the Doctor of Deadlines, the Terminatorof TimeTables, finally launched the super simple,nothing-to-itAVON Tyre fitment chart for your never-endingreview.That’s right under the AVON page you’llfind a chart withthe entire line of AVON tyres, the overallwidth of eachtire, the diameter, the rim size needed,and well check itout and see for yourself.

YOU LUCKY BASTARDS–THAT’S IT. That’scorrect, I’veactually run out of news for this week.Of course rumorsare abundant, bullshit stacked to theceilings, but giveme a break, after a massive Machaca Burritoand a coupleof shots of Tequila, I can’t wait fora siesta and thehappy hour to follow. Sure, I’m forgettingsomething, butI forget my mother’s birthday every year.I’d forget tofeed Gumba everyday, unless she bit myankles in themorning.

What’s more important than a good runningmotorcycle andFriday night–fast approaching. Let’sride!

–Bandit