BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–NEW FENDERS, MAY DAY POKER RUN, TEXAS BIKINI WASH AND THE PAINT JOB OF THE WEEK.
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BIKERNET RELATIONSHIP ADVICE–A guy can’t get his unit up anymore, so he goes to the doc’s to get things checked out. The doc does a full exam and tells the guy “Hate to tell you this, but you’ve worn your penis out.” The guy asks “What do you mean ‘Wore it out’???…I can never use it again??” The doc says “You’ve got *MAYBE* 30 more times with it…”
The guy is depressed as all hell and decides to go home and tell his wife. He fills her in and she’s like “Only 30 more times?? That’s horrible! Why…each time will have to be for special occasions…we should make a list!”
He says “I already did, and you’re not on it!”
–from David M.
LASER CUT FOR YOU–This is a completely unique motorcycle gift. PERSONALIZED WITH YOUR NAME, CLUB OR MESSAGE (One or Two lines-20 letters & Spaces per line). Plaque is Laser cut from 14-gauge steel then brush polished and lacquered. Measures 24″x6.5″ and is drilled with two mounting holes. (Two drywall anchors with brass screws included). You can have anything you want cut into the 8-inch by 2-inch center piece for $69.95 + $10 UPS S&H. Your name, nickname, wife, girlfriend, date, event, memory, business name, favorite saying, use your imagination. TO ORDER CALL Toll Free 1-800-283-1717 (10 to 3 Pacific time). All forms of payment accepted.
Your Satisfaction is 100% Guaranteed. Allow 3 weeks for delivery-Rush Service available on request. ORDER NOW 1-800-283-1717.
PAINT JOB OF THE WEEK–The Crazy Horse Paint Job of the Week belongs to Beth Vale of Gaylord, Michigan. Not too many women request skulls, but she and her husband Tom designed every detail on this one. They wanted the skull not to be too mean looking, bone white flames that fade to a dark silver, black pinstripe, and for the base coat color, the reddest red on the market, which turns out to be House of Kolor Blue Blood Red.
Gaylord is a small town pop. 9,000. But I think this paint would stand out anywhere. One of the old redneck guys who hangs at the bodyshop that does my clear work claims that this paint, out of all my paintwork that he has seen, he likes the best. Not what I’d expect from guy whose main ride is a golf cart.
BIKERNET FORIEGN RELATIONS NEWS–An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi policerush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severeoffence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually beingcaught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to lifeimprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday theday their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decidedthey could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’smy first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each ofyou one wish before your whipping.”
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:”Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow onlylasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishmentwas done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror hesaid smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillowscould only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and theFrenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything,the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful partof the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. Forthis, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the Englishmanreplied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that yougive me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are alsovery brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what isit to be?” the Sheikh asked.
“Tie the Frenchman to my back.”
–from Buckshot
TEXAS BIKINI WASH–On May 25th the Martin Bros, located down in Duncanville, Texas will behaving a free Bikini Bike Wash and a Bike show. Joe, Jason and the crewbuild some of the meanest customs around.
Their latest bike, the Dragsta II,was unveiled at the Dallas Easyriders show. The complete details follow, aswell as a couple of shots of the bike.For more information contact the shop or go to the website:
Martin Bros Bikes
519 East Highway 67
Duncanville Texas
972-709-2552
www.martinbrosbikes.com
–Chuck
ONE LINERS FROM THE GOOD DOCTOR–1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought hewas God and I didn’t!
2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
7) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, coughing,why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) The trouble with life is there’s no background music
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
22) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?
25) Computer programmers don’t byte, they nibble a bit.
26) All men are idiots and I married their king!
27) Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
28) My wild oats have turned to Raisin Bran.
29) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
30) Stupidity is NOT a handicap. Park elsewhere!
–from Nuttboy
BIKERNET TRAVEL ADVICE–An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came mincing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, bitch.”
–from A. Friedman
FROM THE BIKERNET SPECIAL OPS REPORTER–Figured I would show you the latest addition and a few images from The May Day Poker Run last Sunday.
Just got back from Oh Canada the whole week sucked and the snow bunny lost her mind. Just proves that no matter what country you are in, they are all crazy!
The Poker Run did not seem to have as large a turn out as last year. Not sure if that has anything to do with the C.O.C. meeting on the same day or not. Patsy Thompson played this year again. I need to see if her new CD is out already. Just a bunch of good ol? folks just having fun.
The Pan is a 56? With some new upgrades like disc bakes & electric start. The blonde in the red shirt tried to run over me while I was trying to do my job as a correspondent.
I see some folks are looking for the bedrolls. Keep one with my name on it if & when you decide to get some more.
–RFR
PRO-FATTY– So you’ve got the big meat, now how are you gonna keep it from throwing roadkill all over you and your precious mount? PRO-ONE has you covered with their new PRO-FATTY rear fender. Custom fabricated from a single piece of heavy gauge steel, no welded seams to split, these awesome units measure a full 9 inches in width, plenty wide enough to house today’s popular Big Meat tires. Available in three styles, Bobbed, Heritage and Contour, each fender is fit with wire tubes on both sides and comes ready for paint.
Suggested retail for the new PRO-FATTY fenders is $289.95 and they can be ordered from any PRO-ONE dealer or by calling 800-884-4173. Catch PRO-ONE on the web at www.pro-one.com or email sales@pro-one.com.
DEFINITION OF A HARLEY–Definition of A Harley: From here up Roy Rogers, from here down Southern Pacific.
–old shot from Bob T.
POUR THE TULLAMORE DEW–It’s time to post this mess and scramble to the garage. I dug through the back streets of Wilmington, California, for old maritime junk yards, but they’re a dying breed. I searched for metal-art scrap. We’re building new fences around the Bikernet headquarters out of steel, motorcycle wheels and handmade steel gargoyle faces. Hang on.
I was also looking for some small, 1.5-inch brass rings to braze into dainty female Bandit belt buckles. I found a half dozen at Kelly’s Marine salvage yard just a couple of blocks away. We live in the best part of town–the ghetto.
Keep an eye on the site. Several features are on their way. I may take shots, as I make two buckles this afternoon. Newlyweds are heading this way from Strokers of Dallas. I need to fix them up properly. Jose didn’t mention my rare, stylish buckles in his descriptions of the latest trends. Hope I’m not on the outs. They’re featured in the Digital Discovery area of the Cantina.
Ride Forever,
–Bandit
