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WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO?–It was the first day of school in Houston, and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy said: “My name is Jimmy, and my father is a strip tease dancer in a cabaret for gay men.”
The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his Dad danced nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, “No ma’am. Truth is, my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”
BIKERNET HEALTH DEPARTMENT STUDIES:– Number of physicians in the United States: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 700. (1999)
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000094
Statistically, doctors are approximately 18,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
“FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor.”
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure, I have withheld the statistic on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
Coolest Tattoo Of The Week–
Brady
BIKERNET SEXUAL EXPOSE–While Biker Bandit goes on a trip to China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Bandit to return in two days for the results. Bandit returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
#%$&* says Bandit. “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
Bandit screams #$%&*!, “Absolutely not! You #$%&*. I want a second opinion!” The doctors replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, Bandit seeks his All-Knowing-Trusted Sifu, figuring that he’llknow more about the disease. His Sifu examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
Bandit says to his Sifu, “Yes my Honorable Master I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The All-Knowing Sifu shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh, thank God!” Bandit replies.
“Yes,” says his Sifu, “you no worry! You build me a Road King and wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself.”
BIKERNET FRIENDLY FIRE–Jim Houck, aka Wildman Agent Zebra, established the name of this column to house inarticulate ramblings and hateful e-mails between staff members. It’s killer reading if you have a minute. Here?s an example:
To Sin from Nuttboy: I’m a mess. My back has been thrown out, throbbing with pain,stabbing bolts of agony. Probably due to too much time on the computer (youknow how long it takes to download that porn stuff).
Anyway, I’m miserableand stuck at home. I’m working on the Thursday News, if you need it. Letme knowwhat I can do to help, recognizing that I’m about as useful as that wad ofgum stuck under one of the seats at the local movie theater.
Give me a callif you like the sound of continuous whining.
Have a history teacher explain this–If they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named “Ford.”
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln.’
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Take This Job And Shove It–
Memo To all Employees
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, weareforced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, olderemployees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting theretention of younger people who represent our future.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the currentfiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employeeswho are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside thecompany.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records beforeactual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey ofCapabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal withupper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,SCREWEDtwice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled toget:HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who hasreceived HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on boardthatthe company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If anyemployee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see yourimmediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all theSHITyou can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Victory Motorcycles Generates Additional
Momentum at Daytona Bike Week 2002–Victory Motorcycles made a winning impression on hundreds of new riders andenhanced the riding experience of current Victory owners withcompany-sponsored activities at Daytona Bike Week 2002 in Daytona Beach,Fla. One highlight was the first-ever Victory Riders Association (VRA)Victory Ride as Victory owners enjoyed a group ride that led to Bethune Parkin Daytona Beach where they enjoyed a free lunch and the chance to make newfriends.
“It was our best Bike Week ever. We had a great turnout for the VictoryRide, lots of interest at the demo rides-which were booked full all week-andwe generated a lot of valuable exposure for the bikes and the Victorybrand,” said Victory General Manager Mark Blackwell.
VRA members met at Seminole Power Sports, the Victory dealer in Longwood,Fla., on the morning of March 6 for the first Victory Ride.It was the fourth annual Victory owners ride at Daytona Bike Week, and wasthe first VRA group ride held since the owners group was launched in late2001.
Dozens of Victory?s powered their way along scenic country roads beforestopping at Bethune Park for a sumptuous lunch and the chance to getacquainted with VRA members from across North America. License plates on VRAmembers’ bikes showed they had trekked to Daytona from as far away asCanada, California, Texas, Arkansas, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Maine, New York,and several other states both near and far.
The riders especially enjoyed the chance to meet Arlen Ness and CoryNess, the father-son team of master custom bike builders that suppliesVictory with custom accessories and consults Victory on future modeldevelopment. The Nesses took time from their newly opened Arlen NessMotorcycles store on Beach Street in Daytona to enjoy lunch with VRAmembers, pose for pictures, and sign autographs.
For more information on Victory Motorcycles, including a dealer locator,visit the Victory Web site at: www.victory-usa.com. A dealer locator serviceis also offered toll-free at 1-800-POLARIS.
Victory Motorcycles is a division of Polaris Industries Inc. Informationabout the complete line of Polaris products is available from authorizedPolaris dealers or from the Polaris home page at www.polarisindustries.com.
“The Old Marine Colonel:–A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown,hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies inattendance,one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Areyouthis way all the time, or is something bothering you?”
“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It lookslikeyou have seen a lot of action.”
The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “Youknow, you should lighten up a little – relax and enjoy yourself.”
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this thewrongway, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quittakingeverything so seriously – I mean, no sex since 1955, isn’t that a littleextreme?”
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,”Oh, Idon’t know.
……….. It’s only 2130 now!”
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