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What Was I Suppose To Do?—In 2001, five times more money was spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. That means that in 30 years there will be people walking around with huge breasts and erections–but they won’t remember what to do with them.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. __________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be take seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: the best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 TOM’S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
Cyril HuzeVee Switch Housing
New from Cyril Huze is this very simple & clean looking part to install an ignition switch between the cylinders. Can be bolted on Huze Dreamliner motor mount or on most after-market motor mounts. If you keep your original equipment 2-piece Evo motor mount, you must use a top motor mount adaptor also available from the company. Ignition round key switch in 2 or 3 positions must be ordered separately. Chrome.
Cyril Huze
Tel: 561-392-5557
Fax: 561-392-9923
Website: http://www.cyrilhuze.com
Hey Digital!
Well it’s 39 outside,but clear and sunny. So i got out the shit and took pic’s
I left gaps in the G pad for ventilation purposes. The helmet still sits a little high so the trimming will lower the helmet and also clean up the rough surfaces of the G pad. Well there it is,,,I will let you word it however you choose to do so. Sorry it took so long,,,My ol’lady is handicapped and has more illnesses than Bandit has pieces of junk in the storage container out back of the hideout.So thats why I am so busy around here.You and the crew are doing a great job on the site and i think Keith does some work on the site,but spends more time out in the field (playing)abroad or back home.I think he relies alot on you guys to keepthe site going.I cant wait to hear how that new scoot of yours rides ,,
See Ya,
SCOOT
Mensa test—
Here’s a riddle for theintellectually minded. The answer is at the bottomfor those who can’t think thisone through.
At the exact same time, there aretwo young men on opposite sides of theearth: One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other isgetting a blow job from a 75 yearold woman and they’re each thinking theexact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
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Don’t look down.
Another Don?t Try This At Home
G.C.E.’S
The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE papers (16 yr olds)
Name the four seasons?
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections ?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
Premature Death.
What is artificial insemination ?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
What is a fibula?
A small lie
What does varicose mean?
Nearby
What is the most common form of contraception?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”?
The caesarean section is a district of Rome.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning ?
Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face.
What is a turbine ?
Something an arab wears on his head.
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