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Viagra
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burned-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was “Viagra advertising slogans.”
Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a “Top Ten List.” After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
10. Viagra, It’s “Whaazzzzz Up!”
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!……..More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
Driving Too Fast
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held backthe worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had nevereven seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow drivinghabits.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I”ll remove one piece ofclothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he everhad before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veeredoff the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was nothurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to covermyself with!” she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. “You’ll have toput this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truckdriver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hearher story.
“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull himout!”
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am,if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’a a goner!”
How to Explain Enron to Your Students
Feudalism – You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism – You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Communism – You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
Totalitarianism – You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.
Capitalism – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multilies, and the economy grows. You sell them all and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism – You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretlyowned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. Thanks to a special agreement with Arthur Andersen (all copies of the agreement are later shredded), the annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
MotorcycleUSA.com’s Rate the Ride
Ever since the inception of MotorcycleUSA.com, users have asked for a place to post pictures of themselves and their bikes. Introducing RateTheRide.com. Taking a page from picture rating sites across the Internet, RateTheRide.com brings you the fun of posting, viewing and rating motorcycle pictures.
At RateTheRide.com, you can submit your pictures into one of seven different galleries. Choose from Sportbikes, Off Road, Custom/Cruiser, Bikes and Babes, Big Air, Street Moves or check out the entire collection. The best part is that you get to rate each picture and see what other people think too. And because it’s MotorcycleUSA, it’s absolutely free!
Go to: http://www.ratetheride.com and show the World who you are and what you ride.
Never under estimate the little old Lady…..
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada oneday carryinga bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with thepresidentofthe bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lotof money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally usheredher into the president’s office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she wouldlike todeposit.
She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out ofher bag ontohis desk. The president was of course curious as to how shecame by allthiscash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’recarrying somuch cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to takemy bet?” “Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that myballs arenot square!”The little old lady then said, “Okay, but sincethere is a lotof money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at10:00 AM asa witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about thebet andspent along time in front of a mirror checking his balls,turning fromside to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked themout until hewas sure there was absolutely no way his balls were squareand that hewould win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the littleold lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. Sheintroduced the lawyerto the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says thepresident’sballs are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the oldlady askedhim to drop hispants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls andthen askedifshe could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 isa lot ofmoney, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”Just then, he noticed that thelawyer was quietly banging his head against thewall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’sthe matterwith your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’spresident’s ballsin my hand.”
A Bad Day at Work
Next time you have a bad day at work…think of thisguy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Diversin Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs onoffshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent tohis sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who wassponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needlessto say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’vebeen feeling down lately at work, so I thought I wouldshare my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s notso bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I firstmust bore you with a few technicalities of my job. Asyou know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. Iwear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This timeof year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keepwarm is this: We have a diesel powered industrialwater heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks thewater out of the sea. It heats it to a delightfultemperature. It then pumps it down to the diverthrough a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve usedit several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of mywetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, myass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.This only made things worse. Within a few seconds myass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from myback, but the damage was done. In agony I realizedwhat had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish andpumped it into my suit. Now since Idon’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’tstick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not asfortunate. When I scratched what I thought was anitch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over thecommunicator. His instructions were unclear due tothe fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were alllaughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructedto make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stopstotaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surfaceto begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrivedat the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brasshelmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic,with tears of laughter running down his face, handedme a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass assoon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fireout, but I couldn’t shit for 2 days because my assholewas swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, thinkabout how much worse it would be if you had ajellyfish shoved up your ass!
1/30/02 News Exclusive from FastDates.com
News Shocker!Harley Biker takes control at Ducati NA
Is a chrome Monster Softtail in our future? After all, it’s still a V-Twin!
Exclusive!First photos of the new Vance&Hines Screamin’ Eagle V-Rod Drag Bike
Will Vance & Hines finally put Harley-Davidson back in the winner’s circle?
…all the juicy details in Pit Lane News at FastDates.comNot the normal boring stuff, just the fun stuff you really want to read and see!
http://www.FastDates.com
Blondes Beware
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful.So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallonsof milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt theremust be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify thepoint.
The blonde came to the door and the milkmansaid: “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m goingto fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath.”The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.”
31 Jan 02 – For Immediate Release.
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.
Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, “We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers”. Long added, “We, at Johnson, are convinced our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish”.
The new line of bikes, marketed under the name ‘Big Johnson Motorcycles’, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. “Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after”.
At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. “When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson”, said one Harley owner.” But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson.”
Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. “We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson”, said Long, “But image is very important to people. If they don’t have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one.”
Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. “I just don’t see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson”, he said. “And I can’t imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this – You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both. “Given the choice”, said Long. ” I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson”.
Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.
One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, “There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that something we could both enjoy and it’s something he really needs.”
Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. “I service what we sell.” Big Johnson motorcycles will be traded on the stock exchange under the abbreviation P-ENVY.
Here’s what the Outhouse National’sU are all about. The fastest biketo drag the outhouse 50 feet wins
Geno
BANDIT?S CANTINA FIRST ANNIVERSARY–Yep, that?s right. The only section of this site that we charge for is now a year old. To join, it?s a mere $1.65 a month, or $20 a year. So what?s it all about? First, both of K. Randall Ball?s two books are printed in their entirety within the Cantina. Both of those books are sold out.
The first motorcycle soap opera is updated every couple weeks. There?s a babe of the day everyday and a wide selection of antiques posted daily. There are 15 chapters of Ball?s latest book printed there and you can actually watch a novel come together. In addition, if you like reading on the net, ?Sam Chopper Orwell? is also printed in Bandit?s Cantina. Check it out. You spend more than a buck sixty-five on one lousy brew. Each subscription supports Bikernet and helps us pay the overseas phone bills while he writes his fifth book.
There?s a special Sunday post weekly for Cantina members. I can?t even think of all the literary finery that?s spread throughout the Cantina. Even Jon?s illustrations are worth the membership.
UNION DUES–The Bikernet union is made up of 35,000 Cantina members, Jose and 100 riders from Puerto Rico, 2,000 Bikernet shipping employees who are mostly members of a new bike club called the Rodents, and an unnumbered group of women waiting for Bandit to come home. In a written report from the president of the IBUMF, Tramp, he said, ?There is serious consideration as to whether a strike will result due to the actions of the board.?
A Bikernet strike will result in? Well, it?s too awful to write about in a public forum. The union will meet again over the weekend so hopefully the lights will remain on for another week. Efforts have been made to contact Bandit in Singapore, but due to the high cost of our phone bills and the cute girls in Singapore, we?ve been unable to reach him. If you want to vote on this issue or support our efforts to contact Bandit, join the Cantina, quick.
-Nuttboy
