We women here at the Bikernet headquarters are still recuperating from Christmas, birthdays and all that other shit. You get a short News this week cause we don?t feel like working. We ran out of the mixings for White Russians so we’ve been drinking all the Jack and bad wine Bandit had lying around. We all have headaches and feel like shit. Now, if some of our readers like Old Hound Dog or that Forrest Pervert-something would be good enough to send us some Absolut vodka and Kaluha, maybe next week we?ll feel like putting together a better news for you.
Sin
And Now Some Dribble From Bandit!
Ah Christmas, a time of families and tenderness. Ah bullshit, it’s a time of lean budgets, kids with non-stop dreams of presents to the moon, Christmas lists that are too long and bank accounts too short. I escaped the treachery of Christmas, almost. I hope the rest of you survived.
You have stumbled into the Bikernet Twilight Zone. Just when you think you’ve come across one of the hottest bike sites on the Web, you discover that one of the bastards behind this mess is on a tramp freighter out of Houston ultimately bound for Houston some months later, and you’re forced to hear about it a couple of times a week. Merry Christmas.
So let me tell you about my Christmas Eve and Christmas on the MS Leon, a 20-some year old rusting hulk being stormed with cranes, stevedores, fork lifts and agents while it’s snowing or raining on the rusting decks in below-freezing weather. The design was that we would be in port for two and a half days, load this bastard with 8,000 tons of crap (22,000 ton capacity) and be on our way out the Elbe River by Christmas Eve. Not so, Kimosabe. We discovered rapidly that management and the union contracts are from different planets. What management plans rarely happens. On the other hand, while management and supercargo agents sit on the ship, sip espresso and eat cookies while expressing their dismay at the efficiency of the teams on the dock, there are 50 men standing in the freezing cold as the wind is blowing snow at 30 knots across the main deck of the ship. If they had ice skates, they could be practicing loops on the frozen concrete dock.
On Christmas Eve it was explained to us that since many of the longshoremen extend their days off with vacation time, the teams were dwindling. Instead of being able to work around the clock, the units could only work until 10 p.m. and started at 6 a.m. The tapering crew would knock off at 2 p.m. on Christmas Eve and wouldn’t be back until the day after Christmas. We were shut down. What was designed to be a 2.5-day in a costly port became six days. The supercargo agent also informed me that every time cargo is shifted it costs $250. It costs $150 to load a piece of cargo, but once it’s loaded, if it needs to be unloaded, moved and loaded again, that’s another quarter of a C-note. He said that much of the cargo would be removed again in Antwerp, Belgium, then replaced, and the process would be repeated in Genoa, Italy, and perhaps once more in Jakarta. I asked him how the damn company makes a profit and he threw his hands up in the air in mockery. He had no idea.
As he explained the business side of shipping, Clement, our hardworking steward, set the table for a Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. The captain, officers and crew were requested to come into the officers’ mess and have dinner, which was an assortment of many things, including whole fish and turkey. The captain explained that the real feast would start at noon on Christmas and would continue until midnight with drink and food available all day. I noticed that many of the Filipino crew were uncomfortable eating with the officers and escaped as quickly as possible to the crews’ lounge and a wild karaoke festival.
We better get to the news:
Happy Freakin’ Birthday Digital!—
The paint for the rigid showed up today, just in time for the old man to check one more year off on the hitchin’ post on the 29th. Here’s a sneak peek at Jon’s artwork on tank. Suppose now I’m going to have to get off my ass and actually finish this beast.
-Digital
Bikernet Caribbean Report—
Christmas is over, the New Year is lurking around the corner and we arestill here, week after week. Santa behaved and got me a Playstation 2 formy truck. Now those long trips to Sturgis will be more entertaining, with gamesand DVDs on a small screen. Technology, go figure. Maybenow our road trip partners will manage to stay awake during the trek.The WCC No. 2 started yesterday (yep, we worked Christmas day) and willbe on the road before 2002. A full shoot will be coming up in followingweeks as well as an article in The Horse. By the way, it stopped raining,at last! Although seems there?s some more weather on the way. As you allmight know, Bandit is on terra firma at last, somewhere in Europe. Good forthe USS Rustbucket, which made it all the way. I’m guessing he is heading forthe Southern Seas. That’s like being on the moon, and the Atlantic tripwill seem like a cruise in the bay compared to the 40s and 50s. Maybe hewill not suffer the Southern after all. If he?s cruising the Med, he willhave a ball (no pun intended) when he crosses the equator, if the Rust boatfollows tradition, that is.
There’s no news this week, just this short note, and a well-meantwish for the new year.This year has been a tough one for many people all over the planet, andstuff has happened that we only see in movies.Retail has been at its worst in 10 years and young people arekilling and dying in various parts of the world.We will miss the two huge buildings in Manhattan and mourn the people whodied in them. Our world (and I mean our everyday living) has changedforever, although we will learn to accommodate those changes. All we can dois look and await this new year with hope, and know things will alwaysget better. We at Caribbean Custom Cycles and me personally wish everyoneat Bikernet and our readers the best NEW YEAR 2002, and that yourresolutions last longer than a week this time.
Take care and again happy New Year!
Jose. Caribbean Bikernet Report
Jose@ChopperFreak.com.
Woodpeckers
A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.
The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.
The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.
Bandit, May you, Layla and staff, and all the bikers around the world have a blessed Mele Kalikimaka and a prosperous and healthy Haouli Makahiki Hou. May 2002 be your best riding year yet. Happy Harley Days, Dick Bondano P.S. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.” Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…” Santa begins to sweat butreplies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.” Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….” Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay, can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!” If you didn?t get what you wanted for Christmas, it?s because of a woman. That’s it; now back to the German front. Christmas morning we awoke and had a small breakfast as the chef and his crew were working on preparations for the noon Christmas feast. At noon the captain was successful in getting the entire crew around one long table. All the food was displayed buffet style with two turkeys a full pig, vegetables, lots of buttery rice, pasta salad, two types of gravy and two brands of whiskey. The pig was a biker’s run-feast cooked to perfection and the drinking got under way with whiskey, gin, wine and beer and some of the crew had all four. At dinner I returned for some chow and to take score of the survivors and party animals. Since we were requested to mix the seating in a brotherly fashion, I was the only Anglo to sit with the Filipino crew at one end of the table. I spent a great deal of my Vietnam military service in the Philippines and learned to love and respect the people on those paradise islands for their kindness and pleasantness, but as I sat at the end of the table the mood changed. It reminded me of so many experiences in the past from losing a crew member on the heavy cruiser I was stationed on to the meeting of men after a gang battle or to the meeting of a family after a member has been in a motorcycle accident. Suddenly the end of the table became quiet. Two members of the crew got up in unison and disappeared up the inside stairwell. None of the crew would look at me, not out of disrespect, but out of concern for what had occurred. I was not a part of the serious nature of what took place. The concern was deep and fearful and only shared amongst the family of men who were involved. It seems that one of the men partied too hard and drank too much. He was the one who smiled the most and sang with the best until the torment of the whiskey bottle took over and he became mad and tried to take his fury out on another member of the crew. The man inside his cabin was dismantling his bicycle for the next leg of the journey and was holding a leg of pipe as the madman stormed his quarters. He lashed out and split the angry man’s hand. I had no idea of what happened as I sat amongst the serious crew, but I had been in the midst of life and death battles and recognized the concern in men’s features, the fear in bowed faces and edgy gestures like nail biting andr nervous twitches. They spoke to one another in only Filipino except to use a term that wasn’t in their dictionary from time to time, such as: Self defense and star witness. A crewmember called to the captain finally and the captain did his duty and had the man hospitalized. His hand required surgery. He was paid and his bags were packed and delivered to the hospital. He would return to the Philippines once operated on. On the day after Christmas it was too miserable to go outside yet the ship was in full loading swing with two cranes working furiously to load crane motors, containers and crates the size of motor homes. Hatches were clanging, containers slapped against one another as the snow blew over the bow. The rumor was that the ship would depart by 8 p.m., but at 5:30 we were told that loading would take one more hour, then an hour of lashing and one more hour to get a harbor pilot on board and have the crew ready the ship to depart. That schedule was pushed an additional hour until it was nearly midnight before we pulled away from the docks and began the 100-kilometer trip out the Elbe river to the coast of Germany, where we would turn port and head west along the coast to Antwerp, Belgium, which might be a degree or two warmer but swamped in the same drizzling rain and snow as Hamburg. In studying a Hamburg weather chart, I found that the city faces 10 to 13 days of rain during every month of the year. Of course our visit took place during the 13-day season with an estimated one hour of sun daily during December. The temps average between zip and 4 degrees celsius. Not exactly a tropical paradise but a helluva beautiful city. Euro Dollars are going into effect the first of the year an it’s difficult to exchange money because they’re into the transition. The people of each country will have up to a year to use up their existing cash. A few countries like England, which is in financial hard times, isn’t changing just yet, but I would think it would benefit them to change as soon as possible. I’m sure opinions on that matter vary substantially. There you have it, Christmas on the battle-worn, rusting Leon heading for a New Year’s celebration in Belgium. My next report will be in the Sunday Post in the Cantina the day before New Year’s Eve. We plan to be in Antwerp until the 4th of January. Let’s see what kind of trouble I can get in there. Finally, I’ll report that tonight while in the NorthSea I will finish my 16th chapter of my second Chance Hogan book. It’s called “Tides” and is based on this worldwide adventure. If I can get the staff to go for it, we will post all of the chapters in the Cantina for new members and members who rejoin for the new year. May your holidays be safe, secure and packed full of warm sex. Ride Forever, Bandit.
A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on arobe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down thechimney and begins filling the socks. 
