The fog laid over the harbor like a blanket of doom as I returned to the shed. All seemed calm except for the cowboy-boot sized box on the leaning deck, and I could swear it was ticking. Just about to pick it up, I was interrupted by a motorcycle speeding up the bluff. It went directly passed my shed like thousands of bikes do every week heading to Walkers Cafe on the point. I checked it out like I check out all the others, stock Sportster. A guy in all black packing a girl in all black, except she sported a mass of flaming red hair. My attention went back to the box. Smoke wafted out of the corner of the amateurishly wrapped carton. I leaned over again to heft it and again a motorcycle distracted me, this time going in the opposite direction. It was the same bike.
I stood and watched it sweep along the rotting precipice that holds up the teetering houses along the bluff and watched it disappear around the curve. “That was quick,” I muttered and turned toward the box. Just then I heard a fire truck. Fire trucks and cops are a regular occurrence in my ghetto, between the gang violence and the domestic violence, the biker violence and the television violence, the area is rife with violence. Just the way I like it, calm like the ocean. Yeah right. I wanted to get inside and change my tattered clothes for the first time in a couple of weeks. I smelled so bad, my cat took one whiff of me and split.
Just as I was going to put a swift kick to the box and head for the showers, the screech of brakes squealed in my hung-over brain, and the shrill of the siren came home to rest in my front yard. It was that fuckin’ Sportster again, except this time he brought the fire department scrambling out of a Brinks truck-looking vehicle. I stepped back and studied the shingles blowing off my roof. I didn’t see smoke, and there was no young lass standing on the corner cussing me and threatening to jump. The heavily padded firemen stormed the deck, shoved me off the edge surrounded the smoldering box with scanners and such.
“Hey,” a voice called.
I didn’t pay much attention as the men in red shoved me off the deck as they whisked the thumping box into some sort of bomb detention trailer that looked like a dive bell from the ’40s ‘cept it had no windows.
“Hey, let’s ride,” The voice came again, “We’ve got to get to Rip’s memorial party.”
Suddenly the Earth shook like the initial jar of a 7-point earthquake and smoke crept out of the joints around the dive bell. The firemen huddled behind their Brinks wagon shaking hands and high-fiving one another. I was lying in the weeds at the foot of the deck wondering how I pissed her off this time when it dawned on me. The Sportster rider who couldn’t find his way was Wino Joe, the famous biker photographer of old who had flown down from Monterey, rented a bike at Bartels’ Harley-Davidson, and was planning to pick me up on the way to San Berdoo for Rip’s final gathering. We rode.
About 100 miles down the road we pulled over in a gas station. We were already feeling the inland summer temperatures rise. We met with representatives of several California clubs, magazine staff members, family, and friends for the gathering at the Crossroads biker bar in Yucipa. The Uglys brought the Fryed Brother band, and Weasels, Mongols, Vagos, and several other clubs came to pay their last respects. Hell, there were even a couple of Hamsters. It was an honorable tribute for a hard riding man.
I rode the Street Stalker out. I got a call from Joel at California Harley-Davidson in Harbor City. “I’ve got a guy who loves Street Stalkers.” I took it there. The guy showed up, puked all over the dealership floor when he spied the blacked-out beast, and ran out the door. So it’s still there, (310) 539-3366. Call Joel, or ask for Suzie, the cutest motorclothes girl on the planet.
A couple of quick notes before we launch into the news: If you like the fiction, and especially Earl’s, drop him a line. He’s been moved to Texarkana, and was put in the hole for some minor infraction like smuggling an automatic weapon into a federal prison. He could use some cheering up. Earl McNeeley, #04510-010, E-unit, F.C.I., Texarkana, Texas 75505. Sorry no e-mail.
About Bikernet, we’re about to launch a tech on the woes of custom painting from Al Martinez in Orange, California. He explains several paint jobs, what goes into each, what it costs and why.
We’re also working on an art gallery section and several more tales of terror will be spilling into the fiction arena shortly. Lot’s happening including a series of techs from Samson’s pipe company on installing exhaust systems on all makes and models of Harleys. Now I’ll quit making promises I can’t keep, and splash the news all over the World Wide Web, let’s rock:
TO: SMOOTHHD@EARTHLINK.NET– Occasionally we receive pertinent e-mails, but when we try to respond something goes haywire. This was one of those e-mails. So SmoothH-D, drop us another line. Your address failed. We’ll send the drugs to another address if the cops are watching this one.
Just kidding, I’ll send the body in a 50-gallon drum. When I got the pine box back, a leg was sticking out of the corner.
Just a joke. I promise to never again send automatic weapons loaded and cocked. I should have known that when the UPS man drops the box, the guns would start firing.
Sorry about that.
HERM ROSENMAN RESIGNS–April 4, 2000, Bikers Dream Inc. (Nasdaq:BIKR), which operates under the name Ultra Motorcycle Co., Tuesday announced that Herm Rosenman has resigned from his positions as president and chief executive officer of the company effective immediately.
Rosenman also resigned from his position as a member of the company’s Board of Directors. The remaining members of the Board of Directors have appointed Harold Collins, vice president and general counsel of the company, to serve as interim chief operating officer of the company until the Board identifies a new CEO. Collins will report to an executive committee of the Board of Directors.
The Board of Directors Tuesday appointed Kenneth Schwartz to fill the Board seat created by Rosenman’s resignation. Schwartz was formerly a director of Deloitte & Touche LLP.
The company also announced the following on Tuesday: In connection with a lawsuit brought against the company and two former members of its management by a former franchisee, a judgment was entered on March 20, 2000 against the company in the amount of $683,601. There is currently in effect a stay, which would prevent enforcement of this judgment against the company until 10 days after the last day on which the company may file an appeal. Currently, the stay will expire on May 29, 2000.
However, the company is in the process of filing certain post trial motions, which may have the effect of extending the time for appeal, and which in turn may extend the stay of the enforcement of the judgment beyond May 29, 2000.
The company currently is indebted under three promissory notes in the principal amounts of $300,000, $156,638 and $150,000, respectively, plus accrued interest thereon. The notes bear interest at the rate of 18%, 12%, and 12% respectively and became due on March 31, 2000. The company is in the process of negotiating a possible conversion of these notes into an equity interest in the company. It is uncertain at this time whether the company will be able to repay the notes if these negotiations are not successful.
DEAR DRUNKEN BASTARD– Sure, you’re sad to see the Street Stalker go. Whatever. If people want to see what it looks like, they can tune in to my lovely story and see what it looks like under a truck! You miserable swine. You had the Chinaman curse that fucker with some of that Far East voodoo and then saddled me up for the big death ride. Now you’re afraid that since I was too tough to kill, that a little of that chicken blood poison hex shit might still be lingering in the handlebars and you’re too fearful to ride it.
So you’re pawing it off on some novice tryke geek who won’t know how to spot a jinxed sled until it’s sticking out of his chest. And we all know why you really need money and it has nothing to do with publishing another of your yellow rags. It’s to pay off the local fuzz who are so pissed because you’ve been dipping into their local fuzz, that chippie waitress down at the mob’s hangout. Jesus, you’ll end up with a ship anchor tied to your leg and talking to bottom feeders yet.
And where the FUCK is Marko, the Director/Destroyer???? Aren’t we supposed to be finishing up a movie? What’s going on out there? I leave for a few months to make some loot and everything goes straight to shit. Have you made a lamp out of my punching bag yet? I can imagine it’s probably painted pink and holding up a potted plant in your john right about now. I’ll buy your Street Stalker. The offer is, I don’t tell that cop you’re still boning his old lady. How about that? Isn’t that a good offer? You scum sucking oil leaker. It’s the best one you’ll get. Oh, and that includes delivery. Send it to Miami. –Zebra
PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR ABATE OF OHIO, REPORTS From my experiences I can easily recognize two trends in this country: 1 – The government does not like bikers and they are going to do everything in their power to bust us. Maybe it’s our image, maybe it’s our lifestyle, or maybe it’s our philosophy — (I really think some of them are jealous!!) anyway, they’re comin’….
2 – We had better organize. We would have a hell of a lot more lobbying power with the bozos in the government if we would organize and put all our energy into pressuring the various federal, state, and local governments to give way to our biker rights.
We’ve got to unite, my friends. We’ve got to fight for what is rightfully ours. We’ve got to get active and involved in these important issues rather than standing around bitching about it and arguing with each other. That’s exactly what “they” want us to do. Together, if we Fight On then we’ll Ride On, FREE!! We are the “Freedom Fighters” in America. Let’s do our job and let’s do it RIGHT!! Rick Woodcock, Public Relations Officer ABATE of Ohio.
Oz now posts motorcycle rights issues, new laws, and political news on Bikernet weekly. We will take news from any organization or club. Write Oz@bikernet.com.
REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN–
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22s.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
HIGH-TECH SECURITY COMES TO H-D– Elite Logistics, Inc., developer of the PageTrack(TM) family of Intelligent Vehicle Systems (IVS), today announced an agreement with Immobiliser, Inc. to expand Elite Logistics’ wireless tracking technology into the motorcycle market.
Through the agreement, Immobiliser, Inc. will become Elite Logistics’ original equipment manufacturer (OEM) in the motorcycle industry. Elite Logistics’ PageTrack(TM) technology will be incorporated into the Immobiliser(TM), a patented security device exclusively designed for Harley- Davidson(R) (NYSE: HDI) motorcycles. Immobiliser, Inc. also produces an Immobiliser(TM) device suitable for use on all types of motorcycles. With seven million riders in the United States, the motorcycle industry is enjoying its biggest sales boom in more than 20 years. The number of riders has increased 30 percent in only 10 years. The Motorcycle Industry Council reports that the value of the motorcycle retail marketplace was $12.7 billion in 1998 and that retail sales grew 24 percent in 1999, implying an industry value of $15.7 billion.
Elite Logistics’ technology will be available to Harley-Davidson(R) owners through a growing network of more than 400 Harley-Davidson(R) dealers in which the Immobiliser(TM) is sold. The Immobiliser(TM) is the only patented alarm that fits original factory wiring of Harley-Davidson(R) motorcycles without solder or crimping, permitting non-destructive installation and eliminating factory warranty concerns. The alarm features a personal pager that beeps and vibrates when someone tampers with the motorcycle, as well as a 16-stage adjustable shock sensor and remote-controlled siren and flashing lights. The Immobiliser(TM) automatically immobilizes the bike’s ignition system if the bike is assaulted. The alarm is protected against heat and vibration, and its factory-style connectors and main module are waterproof to withstand the elements, including jet-washing. Through the OEM agreement, the Immobiliser(TM) will use Elite Logistics’ PageTrack(TM) technology to give bike owners the ability to track a bike’s location, control bike features and communicate via the Internet or other web- based wireless devices (such as cellular phones and pagers with e-mail capabilities). Bike owners will also be able to track a motorcycle through their own PC at home or by phone through Elite Logistics’ 24-hour control center.
For more information, visit www.immobiliser.com or call (800) 966-3456.
TOP SEX JOKES– A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.
EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON MOVES TOWARD REORGANIZATION– (By Sheryl Jean) Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Co. has taken its first step toward emerging as a new company by filing preliminary bankruptcy reorganization plans, which call for repaying $5.1 million left on a loan from the state of Minnesota in seven years — at no interest, according to documents filed with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Minneapolis.
The proposal includes a $12.5 million cash investment by E.H. Partners Inc., referred to as “the acquisition company,” to buy 8 million shares of common stock and 2 million shares of preferred stock in Excelsior-Henderson, according to bankruptcy documents. E.H. Partners also will lend the company $5 million.
Under the proposal, Excelsior-Henderson’s existing common and preferred shareholders will not hold any stock in the future company. In addition to the state of Minnesota, other secured creditors will receive restructured notes. Unsecured creditors will receive . . . a “pro-rata distribution of cash and the right to receive certain royalties.”
WHITEHOUSE HUMOR KEEPS COMIN’– It seems the big new game to play at the White House is “Swallow the Leader!”
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward and not one of them is his sister!
Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says, “Prepare to be a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death.” Hillary takes a deep breath and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”
FORD/HARLEY TRUCK PLUS JAY LENO FOR KIDS’ CHARITY When Ford Motor Company (NYSE: F) and Harley-Davidson Motor Company announced that they would roll out a special pickup truck this year, guess who was the first to raise his hand for some special kids? Jay
Ford will donate a new 2000 Harley-Davidson F-150 to be auctioned off on the Yahoo! internet web site with proceeds going to one of Leno’s favorite fund-raisers, the Love Ride Foundation, and to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, one of Ford’s top corporate causes. The online auction will run from June 20 through June 30.
“The lucky winner will get a rare truck while, at the same time, helping fund research into muscular dystrophy and breast cancer,” added O’Connor.
Leno is the Grand Marshal of the “Love Ride,” which has become a major annual event in southern California, attracting 20,000 motorcycle riders, with proceeds going to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, Harley-Davidson’s top corporate charity, and to the “Reading By 9” literacy initiative sponsored by the Los Angeles Times.
“I’m just a big kid myself when it comes to things that look great and go fast, like this Harley-Davidson F-150 — and what’s more important than kids?” said Leno. “Thanks to Ford, Harley-Davidson and Yahoo! for helping dreams come true for our ‘Love Ride’ kids,” he added.
While in Dearborn, Leno became Customer #1 as O’Connor handed him the keys to the first Harley-Davidson F-150. A self-proclaimed gearhead, Leno loves fast Fords and hot Harley-Davidson motorcycles. His personal collection includes more than 60 cars and trucks, including a number of Fords, and approximately 50 motorcycles. Leno even has a souped-up Ford Festiva packing a SHO V-6 that he uses to humble more exotic fare on the roads around L.A.
The Harley-Davidson F-150 is the first product of a historic alliance between Ford and Harley-Davidson, with both companies jointly celebrating their centennials in 2003. The Ford and Harley-Davidson alliance provides the opportunity for the two companies to jointly develop and market exciting products, like the Harley-Davidson F-150, and a line of unique automotive accessories and apparel, available only through Ford dealerships and www.icollection.com .
“AH, QUOTES FROM THOSE IN THE KNOW–Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -Bob Ettinger
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim…’ -Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -Conan O’Brien
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. -Sue Murphy
MASTER ARTISTE, JON TOWLE REPORTS–Hey, Got me a car again. Thanks to many out there for the help, like the cool cat in Texas that offered me a sound Camero… for fucking free! gotta love Texas. Also to Concrete Pete for being his usual cool self and to Big Joe in Ohio for his offer. There were many others and I deeply appreciate it…..now, all of you go fuck yourselves (just kidding). Funny how I discovered a slashed tire on my newly acquired truck during the week that Agent Zebra Asshole was in town from Cuba, er, I mean Miami. You know what they say about payback,…well, it’s my turn, Special agent boy! Thanks again to the bikernet dogs out there! –Jon
OUR LESSON IN UNDERSTANDING WOMEN– There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, “Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”
The surprised man said, ” OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”
The genie replied with a smirk, ” Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”
The man said with a smile, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”
The genie said, ” Would you like two lanes or four?”
NORTON CEO CHARGED WITH FRAUD– According to a report by the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Robert Kilpatrick, Jr., CEO of Norton Motorcycles, has been charged with multiple counts of theft by swindle, forgery and credit fraud. Kilpatrick allegedly filed false personal financial information to obtain more than $800,000 in home mortgages. He was also charged with two counts of forged checks totaling more than $20,000.
Aren’t you glad we stick to American bikes?–Bandit
TITAN TO MAKE MOTORCYCLE FOR X-MEN MOVIE– Titan announced that it has reached an agreement with Marvel Enterprises to produce a one-of-a-kind X-Men motorcycle. The bike will be featured in the much-anticipated July 14, 2000 release by 20th Century Fox of “The X-Men,” based on Marvel Comics’ best-selling series for more than 20 years.
BREAK TIME– What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
HIGH TECH SECURITY/COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCT TO BE SOLD IN US– Skynet Telematics.Com, of the UK, announced the sale of the exclusive rights in the US market for the unique SKAMP Motorbike Telematics product. The Skamp product provides motorcycle users with vehicle security, driver and passenger security, telecommunications, pro-active tracking, pro-active routing, full concierge service and Internet access.
IRONWORKS RETRO FURTURAMA–According to John Siebenthaler of Siebenthaler Creative Services Media Scene Bulletin, “Editor Dennis Stemp hit one out of the park with his twin-carb special build project Knucklehead Bobster, the “flyin’ Fossil”. From our view in the cheap seats, it’s still going.”
Pick up an IRONWORKS and see if you can’t catch a glimpse.
DID YOU KNOW–An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
HORSE MAGAZINE–The bad to the bone chopper rag asked if I would write a column about my life, and some of my rides. I wrote one long paragraph. Hell, that about covered it. Should be coming out soon.
MORE NAIL-ON-THE-HEAD, SHIT– Panheads are real Harleys; Shovelheads are just like a Triumph. If you had any class, you’d own a Panhead you fuckin’ pussy. (Whew, I’ve got one)
Hardtail riders are insane; their values are not the same as mine so they’re wrong, you psychotic stuck-in-the-past indigent scumbags.
On the other hand, hardtail riders are more manly and virile than people who ride bikes that have suspensions, you spineless wimp.
TC88’s are just lie Evos, but more so. Jap-like, soulless, and aimed at wussies who can’t handle a bike that needs maintenance. You gullible, overly-impulsive, slave-to-marketing, zombies.
PLUGS– Hey, while I was barely standing in front of Mad Myron’s Billet Bar in Scottsdale finishing my 13th Jack on the rocks, I admired a custom paint job, Softail in the parking lot. The artist/builder of the sleek Daytec framed street sweeper is Miguel of psycle Paint in Mesa, Arizona. He’s young energetic and talented, if you need a painter, (480) 835-7990.
If you own a Victory, Samson Exhaust is tooling up to make custom exhaust for the Polaris built bikes, (714) 518-2480.
Received a press release from a company making a wide strip of rubber that goes over your left boot to protect it from shifter damage. It’s the Shu-Band-it at www.shubandit.com. Hmm, not sure about that name. It’s a small but useful product that’ll protect ‘dem high-dollar cowboy boots.
ESCAPE MODE–That’s it, I’ve got to boogie. The touring chop will be on the road by the end of the weekend. The Pan will be a week away from completion by the end of the weekend, and I’ll be somewhere on my Sturgis 2000 project by the end of next week. Had the Avons mounted on a couple of beautiful Road Wing wheels yesterday. Next week it’ll be on wheels. Can you tell, I’ll be hiding in a vat of 60-weight oil in the corner of my garage all weekend. But when I emerge, the pad will be calm once more, I’ll be looking for another cat, and I can crawl back in the bedroom window without getting shot at.
I know it’s a twisted life, but it’s non-stop. Goddamnit, let’s ride.
–Bandit.
