And now for an uninteresting preface to this astoundingly interesting article:
When I recently finished my groudbreaking unbelievably wondrous “bureaucrat/journalist translation dictionary from lying seditious bullcrap into what they actually mean or some title close to that, when I was done it was 49,000 astoundingly well-selected words long.
I said, frowning, “There’s gotta be a way to get another thousand words into this. Make it 50 grand. Bitchin’! ”
I had referenced the Bill of Rights in the translation-dictionary but not in any kind of detail. I said “Fuck, I’ll do that in one of the bonus sections then.” I love bonus sections to things. Don’t you? A bonus section can turn something even I wrote into a suddenly-exciting bargain. It’s like, I don’t know, getting shopping points at Nordstrom’s!! Well, turns out I got my one thousand more words and two thousand more on top of that. Since the dictionary will never get printed because it’s…..well, now it’s 52,000 words long! That’s too many words to print! Since that won’t happen, here then is one of the dictionary’s bonus sections! Enjoy!
PresentingThe Most Dangerous Critique Of The Bill Of Rights In American History. Amendment By Amendment
by
who else: J.J. Solari
(fun fact: This reads a lot more vibrantly and thrillingly if you imagine that Alan Shore of Boston Legal played by James Spader is parading grandly, slowly around, here and there, in a courtroom, presenting a case, and reciting all this to a jury that has been assembled for the purpose of deciding if the writers of the Bill of Rights are crazed sociopaths and deserving of banishment back to England. Or not. Mr. Shore is arguing, Yes. They are. After a tarring and feathering. With another tarring and feathering once they, 3,000 miles later, wade ashore from the shoddily constructed rafts provided them. Assuming they make it.)
The Bill of Rights should actually be called the bill of nothings or the bill of goods or the duck bill or the electricity bill or the bill of beep bo or as I like to call it the bill of bilgewater, because 1: you can’t legislate rights into existence. Or declare them into existence. Or construct them into existence at a meeting of overweight men in breeches and powdered British wigs in a fart-filled room and put them into a list of new and amazing rights and proclaim them as bulwarks of liberty and progress.
You can only proclaim permissions into existence and 2: if you do insist on doing these things at least come up with a list of rights that have some actual useful and fun aspects. Which these ten do not. And 3: if you are going to subject them to two hundred-plus years of added intense scrutiny by the Supreme Court, also invented by the same overweight men, make the language a bit less vague and a bit less subject to retranslation and reinterpretation and reconstruction and redefinitioning and recase-lawed-nesses and make it a bit less of a “living” – meaning apparently writhing and flailing and subject to infinite variations of meaning – make it a bit less of a “living document,” so to speak and as Nancy Pelosi would say, and make it more of an easy to “interpret” proclamation.
Because that’s what the Bill of Rights actually is. It’s a proclamation. Like “Black Lives Matter.” Or “Hasn’t Scratched Yet.” Or “You’ll Wonder Where The Yellow Went When You Brush Your Teeth With Pepsodent.” Or “Bet You Can’t Eat Just One.” Or “It’s The Water.” Or “When It Rains It Pours.” Or “I love my Mounds.”
However, unlike these latter proclamations which do not have the power of law-enforcement behind them but just persuasional impetus behind them, the Bill Of Rights is just, bam, the way things are, motherfucker, bow down and praise the valor of the brave men who determinedly jumped up and down hysterically to insist these be included into our glorious Constitution or else they would hold their breath unless these rights that aren’t rights be proclaimed as wondrous insurance policies againsteth tyrannies! There is no “Shall I buy this product?” decision-making required regarding the Bill of Rights. The decision has already been made: They’re here. They’re queer. They’re not going to go away.
My apologies to the gay community of delightful rectal wranglers and stentorian strident tribadists for borrowing your war cry of crotch-focused righteousness and groinal non-reproductive protocols without permission.
So let’s get to it, shall we? And just as a taste?….because I am sure you haven’t ever noticed?….which is the case with most things with most Americans regarding the Constitution?…..5 of the 10 – that would be one-half of the Bill of Rights’ “rights”…..cannot even be used or invoked or made manifest or stuck up your ass, or however you want to put it…..until you have either already been arrested or are about to be.
Which tells me, and I don’t know what the fuck it tells you, but it tells me that whoever contrived and concocted this list of ten arbitraries must have had a good premonition that this Constitution thing was gonna result in a lotta free and newly-liberated citizens getting scooped up by total strangers and put into a pen.
It’s like they were saying “This whole thing is a whopping crock and a little too reeking of sneaky British duplicity which we are trying to pretend has been vanquished from our shores and is not actually still fully engrained in this pompous Royal Pronouncement: we gotta do something to make sure that whoever buys into this nutsack of Enlightened Nothingness gets reassured that what is happening to them is not actually happening to them, that it’s not arrest and confiscation of their liberty and property under the Mandatory Constitution but rather a golden opportunity to experience first hand the righteousness and beauty and wisdom of us Founding Fathers in giving them an entire 50% of the glorious and righteous Bill of Rights to run-towards and grasp ahold of and cling to in glorious thanksgiving to our wisdom and foresight that they have these pre-arrest, during-arrest, and post-arrest rights to hug mightily to their bosoms and joyously shout aloud the praises of us here today now farting in this room of unbathed skin, whiskey breath, and cigar smoke, that we had the presence of mind to wrap-around their shivering-cold arrested bodies….. this warm and comforting downey blanket of Five Mighty Rights for them to invoke as they are hastened to their concrete cells in the land of the free.
So let’s start with Right Number One!
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
So, to begin, talk about fucking-up right out the gate, creating a “constitutional government” is in itself the establishment of a religion. Not to shock anyone. It’s called “a secular religion.” The deity is you. Secular religions have replaced pagan religions as being more specifically demonic. Pagan religions ignore Jesus of Nazareth king of the Jews. Demonic religions are specifically at war with Jesus of Nazareth king of the Jews.
In a secular religion You have “the power.” “All power to the people” as the Communists like to say. You are the god. You are the deity. There is not a political speech made in American history that does not remind you how powerful you are and how the might of the inherent greatness of your empowermenthood is infused into your very groinage, buttocks, and anal ducts just by you standing upon a portion of the conquered terrain that those who “interpret” the Constitution for you have allowed you to stand on.
Prior of course, to eventual arrest at some point down the road. As guaranteed by the Constitution. At which time the terrain you are standing on will be replaced by new terrain for you to stand on after arrest. Since, at this writing, 2023 AD, these are probably the last days of the USA as a so called “sovereign nation” you should be advised that your “godhead” – meaning you as a deity – is being slowly transferred off of you and onto Planet Earth itself.
You are about to officially lose your godlike status. Earth is becoming the new deity. We’re moving toward a more pagan, less demonic state of affairs, so that’s good. Thank you Jesus! Crimes against the planet as opposed to crimes against other people are eventually going to be enforced via a “planetary-rights constitution” written by basically the same swaggering cigar-smoking bureaucrats who wrote the American Constitution only it will be a global constitution enforced, most likely, by Mother Nature. We’ll be living like Neanderthals once again, basically. To keep the earth safe. Until then your secular-religious supernatural god-powers at least still do extend to affecting world climate and inhibiting the spread of routinely-occurring unstoppable, annual, instantly-global cold-and-flu seasonal virus mutations. I love your powers and abilities, comrade!
Regarding the “free exercise of religion,” the free exercise of religion for Muslims includes killing or enslaving all non-Muslims, copulating with prepubescent girls, committing suicide in order to kill infidels, which is every non muslim, murdering family members with impunity, beating women relentlessly, eradicating “man’s best friend,” the terrestrial house dog, and specifically declaring Jews and Christians the worst of humanity and in fact not actually humans at all but rather monkeys and pigs, which I believe Allah refers to Jews and Christians as, and which free exercise of religion for them, them being Islamists, includes flying modern, large, filled with paying passengers unfamiliar with Islam, jet aircraft into magnificent skyscrapers, toppling the skyscrapers and killing thousands of people sitting quietly in spacious offices trying to make a living.
Unlike the predatory brain-shredded diabolical culturally inbred hellspawn with the box cutters. So expect to be dealing with jihad personally since your government is not going to interfere with this Constitutionally-guaranteed free exercise of religion. And expect to be punished for it should you win the fracas.
Not “abridging” the “freedom of speech” means you can say things. Unless of course you say a forbidden word or a to-be-announced word or any word to be defined down the road and depending on the day or the color of the moon as having been prompted by the emotion called “hate” while hitting anyone at all in the face with your fist. Or with a bludgeon. Or with a hand grenade. Or just saying the word.
Other bits of vocabulary are routinely added to the list of things you are not actually free to say without governmental consequences. Even though these words are not specifically iterated in any law. It’s kind of an unwritten law of the Constitution randomly brought into existence by The Authorities if they fear for example their town or the town of a friend is going to be burned to the ground by illegal inhabitants should The Authorities – or you – call them, for example, illegal inhabitants rather than, say, the now-mandatory indigenous immigrants or migratory refugees or righteous roving adventurers or self-transplanting explorers or any other quaint reference to travel-related movement of vast hordes of third world Pleistocene-minded barbarians so long as they are not called colonialists. Which illegal inhabitants now number in the millions. Most of them males of military age.
Though you don’t need to be a specific age to blow yourself and half the town up with Allah-approved explosives attached to your balls since Islamic children routinely travel the road that leads to celestial virgins assumed in the Koran but not actually specified in the Koran to be human females.
“Freedom of the press” has come to be interpreted as freedom for anyone in “journalism,” whether or not he’s a pamphleteer with an 18th century printing press… to commit slander and libel with impunity as long as “persons who spoke under conditions of anonymity” or “sources close to so-and-so…” are the ones being claimed as the actual speakers and purveyors of the data. On the rare occasion when a journalist is ordered by government to reveal his “sources” the journalists says “Go fuck yourself” to the government and the government backs off and goes and fucks itself since journalists have a “blue wall” even more secure and impenetrable than the one cops have.
It gets better for journalists: as things are now, the holders of the only non-government job-description that is mentioned in the Constitution – namely journalists – are not only allotted special sanctuary from governmental attack, in fact, in common parlance, journalists have been elevated to a mystical social-holiness status called “the fourth estate,” right up there with – get this – the Church, the State, and the People. Plumbers do not have this distinction. Uber drivers do not have this distinction. Even members of the Screen Actors Guild do not have this distinction but that is probably only temporary.
The right of people to peaceably assemble and “petition the government” means you are permitted to complain and gather into clumps and grouse so long as that’s all you do. This was magnificently demonstrated during one of the Bundy-Family Performances, this time in Nevada when the Bundy ranchers were grazing cattle on “government land” which is basically all the land, including your house, within the map’s description of the boundaries of the USA.
A large bunch of the citizenry showed up to confront whichever police force was ordered to handle things, and the police force thoughtfully placed a large wire enclosure on the desert terrain and placed a hand-written cardboard sign on it that read “First Amendment Section.” The approaching citizenry, some on horses, all of them armed, were being directed to peacefully assemble inside the corral. Which was their First Amendment Right. For the first and probably last time in recent American history the normal industrious American populace not only neglected to obey the suggestion… they were very excited about being this far from opening fire on the badly out gunned government-paid imbeciles when suddenly the government-paid imbeciles said to each other, “Fuck this” and got in their SUV’s and hightailed it the hell out of there.
As far as you’re concerned, redressing grievances to the government means you can complain by barking at the moon or by sending them a letter by mail and you won’t get arrested for complaining. You have, in other words, the right to complain. You do not have the right to disobey, however. Apparently, there was some anticipation by the concocters of the Constitution that there might be grievances somewhere down the line.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The commas after Militia and Arms, is part of the original. These masters of Social Perfection First time Out couldn’t even proofread. Or more likely, if I know bureaucrats, couldn’t be bothered proofreading. There’s lots of errant commas in this list, probably from laziness, and which commas are now regarded as aids to “interpretation” of the text and is probably why the Supreme Court (invented out of thin air by the same people who didn’t proofread) has so wild and wooly a time “interpreting” the Constitution: it’s just too ambiguous to read as written which means it must be “alive” and subject to spontaneous change, like, say, your underwear, only more often.
You would think these 27 mispunctuated words in this solitary sentence would be easy to understand. This is not so! For 200 + years this sentence has been investigated, parsed, scrutinized, examined, diagramed and pondered about more than the Dead Sea Scrolls. There is no Rosetta Stone for these 27 words. They are arranged in such a way that the philosophical powers and might of America’s Top Lawyers have not managed to unravel the labyrinths and complexities and fractal-like meanderings into infinities of infinities that this sentence, to them, apparently manifests within itself.
Now, a person with the reading comprehension of a bilingual 6-year-old Chinese girl fluent in Chinese, English, and perhaps very likely French and German, would interpret this 27-word sentence as meaning the operators of A-10 Warthogs would be free to, if they wished, purchase a fully loaded one for themselves from the manufacture and weapons-maker and fly it home, and be free to use it for random strafes of the US/Mexican border while releasing several multi-second BRRRRRRRT-noised ordnance barrages to rain down fire and unholy death to raiding and invading armies of outsiders seeking to overrun the legitimate populace and claim the previously conquered territories to now be newly-conquered territories for themselves.
This is not the case. This is illegal. The 2nd Amendment does not consider up-to-date militia weaponry to be appropriate for the present day militia-citizenry. If you were to obtain one of the military jets and it’s armaments and counter-attack and kill the present-day invading armies that the government is not counter-attacking….the government that is not counter-attacking the invaders would attack you. Unanimously! There would be no debating or filibustering the matter or putting it up for a vote 20 times a day. You would be fucked-with immediately and permanently, especially for conquering the enemy, which has not been allowed to US Militia Personnel since Korea.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
This magnificent right that you think probably means something innocuous and out of date actually states that not only can you be forced to house a soldier in your home in peace and in war….. because the side the soldier is on has not been specified – it can be an enemy soldier.
This is its true meaning thanks to the “but in a manner to be prescribed by law” remark. Because “in a manner to be prescribed by law” is bureaucrat lawyer con artist language for saying “unless we say different down the road.” Because laws change whimsically and often. But saying “in a manner to be prescribed by law” instead of “until we change it” sounds so much more regal and noble and very properly British, don’t you see, quite so, oh I dare say, good-O old chap, right you are my good man, jolly good….. that you are lulled by the grandeur of “but in a manner prescribed by law” into not actually paying attention to what is and what isn’t actually being said by these Rights Creators.
In other words “but in a manner prescribed by law” means “You can do this unless we say you can’t.” Also those random all-over-the-place commas are like golden passkeys to total tyranny to the lawyers on the Supreme Court.
To those mother fuckers a comma is like ten new paragraphs of invisible ink that only they can see and read. Talk about rigging the gaming table. I will give the Founders this: they were honest enough to say right up front “We’re fucking with you” in plain language.
Apparently they gambled on your love and respect for government and the State to successfully override your two fucking eyes. The “soldiers” that you will likely be forced to house in your home sometime, probably very soon, in the future will be the sad-expressioned cunning feral wayfarers now crowding the border and likely being armed by the CIA, the FBI, the Bureau of Land Management, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Merrick Garland, probably still Eric Cockholder and Barack Obama, and Homeland “Security.”
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
And now we come to the Bold As Brass section of the Bill of Rights, if you are paying attention, which is not likely, where you are being warned that an apparatus is being installed into place being called The United States Government that will at some point subject you to instantaneous forcible relocation called “arrest” even though you are Free, at least between arrests, and subject to conditions within such “free”nesses between arrests that might get you arrested again, and you are to be informed that these arrests actually are your rights.
This is all being made possible by the deceptively benign and reassuring “don’t worry” words “probable cause.” Probable cause means “Ok, arrest this guy.” It is draped in sanctimonious reassurances of “swearing of oaths” – which Jesus says is Luciferian but what the fuck does he know about the legal system or bureaucrats, or Lucifer, he only personally talked to the fucker and ordered him around – and draped with blather about proper channels and complicated hallways full of safeguards and reassurances.
Like when Obama assured you you can use your own doctor. In other words, you have the right to be arrested, you have the right to be seized, you have the right to be searched, you have the right to have your alleged castle searched and you have the right to have your property, not to mention your children, seized, and by implication, as evidenced by precedent and factual experience, have your seized children transported, relocated and reassigned guardians, almost always strangers, many of whom are either overly fond of children or who detest them and consider them abortion escapees.
These tyrannies are being called rights because you are a hope-springs-eternal presumptive Christian idiot counting on the God of Israel to do all your thinking and fighting for you, while you put your actual faith and trust in government to keep you from harm and so that you can “stay safe.” You’ve been hearing that a lot lately, haven’t you. It’s not new. It’s just lately more obvious. Because that Constitution is now at full throttle. How’s grandma? What’s that? You’re not allowed to see her? That’s because you’re both under “house arrest” but at separate facilities in order to keep you both safe.
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence (sic) to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
You might want to fasten your fuckin’ seat belt for this one, pilgrim. This is a bucketload of ambiguous words in a small space, quite an achievement for lawyers, they usually need a lotta paper to fuck you hard in the ass.
Not the case here! This solitary sentence of 108, count ‘em, 108 words, including one “except,” one “unless,” and two “withouts,” is the most blatant assumption that you are an idiot in human history with the clear exceptions of the claims that you affect the climate and that you losing your job to a non-existent unprecedented worldwide disease that miraculously now has a cure if you get your mandatory shots is keeping you safe. Governments, at least the US ones, are not strangers to gauging you as an idiot since for 200 + years you and your deceased antecedents have been declaring American bureaucrats wise overseers and purveyors of justice.
This Adam Schiff pile of ass-splat declares you shall be arrested and jailed for a capital – #ff0000 – or infamous – undefined – crime whether you are a citizen or in the military whenever anything is declared worthy of you being thus arrested etc: that you can actually be tried twice for the same crime (This is now routine. It’s not even a thing. In fact count on it), you can be compelled to witness against yourself, you can be deprived of life liberty and property if “due process” (meaning whatever legal hoops have to be dealt with in order to accomplish whatever it is this earlier-says can’t happen) and your real estate can be confiscated if “justly compensated.”
“Just compensation” is “Ha ha, sucker” totally undefined. It’s that “except” and that “unless” and those two “withouts” that nullify immediately everything that goes before them. You’re just not supposed to actually notice this. And you probably haven’t. I would bet on it. Good thing I showed up, huh? I know what you’re saying: “None of this is true.”
Shall we move on?
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence (sic).
By the way, the misspellings of defense and offense in this thing? They’re in the original. Remember that proof-reading thing? Yeah. There wasn’t any. Too tiring. Way too much trouble. Not important. It’s the words that count. Turns out that’s true, but no one is paying any attention to those. No one not in office at any rate.
Moving along, Right Number 6, after you are arrested of course, gives you the “right” to a “trial” in which you are presumed guilty, not innocent, or you wouldn’t have been fucking arrested, until declared, not actually proven, not guilty.You’ll notice that the word “enjoy” is thrown into the mix; you will enjoy this right that is not actually anything close to a right but is in fact a punishment, you will enjoy this, this is something you will enjoy.
You will get enjoyment out of this. This will be enjoyable. You will enjoy an enjoying enjoyment as this enjoyousness happens to you Plus you get to actually be informed why you are there in handcuffs, and you get to have a lawyer to talk legal language to the legal-language authorities incarcerating you so that you can experience this Right that kicks-in after being arrested under a previous right. As an added enjoyment, all the people doing these enjoyment things to you, including the lawyers, are living off your dime. You are paying them to do this to you.
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
I have no idea what this means. Why this is a “right” and not just an explanation of a declared-out-of-the-blue procedure I do not know. I did not graduate from Harvard Law School.
Some minor research told me that “British common law” is involved. This is the first sign of honesty I have come across so far, namely that this entire Constitution Crap has as its parents all the kings and queens of England in history: renowned liars and ruthless administers of tyranny and conquest at will and at whimsy and who we thought were driven off American shores and back to England.
Apparently a whopping fucking lot of them stuck around to bring back the old days after a 13-year hiatus of no government and no chaos and everyone got along with the Indians.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Welcome to more jail rights. This mighty and magnificent Right of 16 words actually says nothing. Excessive is not defined, cruel is not defined and unusual is not defined.
What is made clear is the word inflicted. It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer wrote the Bill of Rights. The assumption is made – it can be argued – that the committee who created this – whatever this is – had a hunch that the amount and degree and quantity of arrests under the new, mandatorily-imposed Constitution, was going to be so fucking rampant that some limits on the levels of heinousness had to be put in place in order to at least give the appearance of rationality and empathy and some showcase level of Christian mercy, forgiveness and understanding, no matter how minute.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
I have no idea what this means. “Shall not be construed” by whom. “Deny or disparage” other what. Other rights?….the ones retained by the people? What people. U.S. citizens? What “other” rights? What rights are those.
What are you talking about? There are rights already in place? There are “certain rights?” That these new rights….whatever they are….don’t override? Or replace? Or discourage? Or remove? Are you serious? This is all arbitrary random Biden-level huffington puffery.
There are rights in the Constitution? Are you kidding? – you have to have all your God given or actual rights trampled out of existence before you can even use 50 fucking percent of these new-and-improved “certain” rights. Thank you for reassuring me that these majestic certain rights you have granted me will in no way interfere with the many millions of other certain rights I and the rest of “the people” are “retaining.” You’re a saint, Founding Randon-Access-Vocabulary Bureaucrat, or in other words, Gavin Newsom The First.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
This says that any power and authority and any other assault upon liberty that has somehow through some fantastic oversight not been granted to the Federal Government – and there is nothing that has not been granted to the Federal government – can be imposed upon the residents of all the States via the State Authorities of that State.
Any powers that are left after that onslaught of laws, restrictions, regulations and nationalizations “belong to the people.” Meaning city and county government. Not actually “the people.”
This means that while the Federal Government now rules the States and everyone in them, specific instances of accidental elements of personal liberty found to be remaining can be eradicated by county and local government, local government being the actual “the people,” or the inhabitants of cities and counties, as long as they’re in office in the cities and counties.
Not “the actual people.” Not you, in other words. Also in other words, anything the Feds have not locked down as being illegal, the States and counties and cities can lock them down until further notice.
And there ya have it! Now remember: I didn’t write the Bill of Rights or the Constitution. In fact no writers did. People like The Squad did. People in the original Swamp. America’s first “public-office holders,” in other words. Not professional “nation designers.” They had no prior experience at creating paradise here on earth or starting “rights-filled nations.” And it shows. And it got approved. All I did was read what they wrote. I didn’t write it. I just read it. So don’t blame me for any of this shit. I’m just the messenger. Gob bless! Thank you.
“Know your rights. These are your rights.”_____The Clash
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