“I can’t take it. I’ve made the letters in Your Shot interactive, the bikers rights interactive, the classifieds and calendar interactive, and even the news. We’ve put up more tech, you’re bullshit Sturgis competition and now I’m trying desperately to get the products back on line. What more can I do?” He said nearly in tears.
“Drag him outside men,” I shouted. “There must be shallow grave somewhere.” Just then we heard the wail of sirens in the distance. “That homeless cat living in the corner of the lot must have snitched us off.” The crew ran in all directions.
That was last night and I’ve been pretending to be working on the news ever since. In the near future we will reveal in actual photographs the Bikernet world headquarters, but we’re having difficulty getting the shots released from the photo lab. Let’s get to the news:
In Memoriam
EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ANNOUNCES EMERGENCE FROM BANKRUPTCY– Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Company announced that it has emerged from bankruptcy and that its modified plan of reorganization under Chapter 11 or the U.S. Bankruptcy Code has been confirmed. The Company’s confirmation hearing was held on August 18,2000, and the Bankruptcy Court’s order confirming the plan of reorganization was issued on the same date.
The modified plan or reorganization was the product of intensive efforts by the Company to design a strategy that would enable Excelsior-Henderson to reorganize and obtain the required funding to preserve the future of the motorcycle. The Company currently anticipates the modified plan will become effective on or before September 15, 2000, subject to the satisfaction or waiver of certain conditions. As previously announced, the Company’s public stockholders and Co-Founders did not retain an equity interest in the Company going forward (in Sturgis Bandit interviewed Dave Hanlon for Hot Rod Bikes–don’t miss it).The Company’s Co-Founders, Dan, Dave and Jennie Hanlon said, “Confirmation of the plan represents the culmination of several months work. We believe the proposed plan of reorganization represents the best available alternative for the Company and its creditors. This is a great initial step in rebuilding the future of Excelsior-Henderson.”
The plan may be reviewed on the U.S. Bankruptcy Court’s website at www.mnb.uscourts.gov. A summary of the plan will be filed with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission on Form 8-K.
Much more will be revealed about the plan and what the Company has been through in the up coming interview in Hot Rod Bikes.–Bandit
INTERACTIVE DAILY LETTERS TO BIKERNET– It’s almost like prison. The staff voted unanimously that I be forced to answer ten letters to bikernet daily and post them. Jason, the mad scientist, web master made the software possible, and it’s up and running in the Your Shot section.
If you want to complain, ask tech questions, or announce something to the world, go to Your Shot and let us have it. You may see your letter answered the same day, the next day, or never–amazing, huh?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE–No doubt about it– Bikernet West clearly wins the Sturgis 2000 contest. Hell,you had to drink through at least three parties in Utah and Colorado whileBikernet East only had to cope with two days of rain. Riding with a massivehead takes more skill and courage than just pushing through a few rain drops.
Can’t wait for more stories– you can mention that your bros couldn’t believe howslow (like 10 miles over the speed limit) you were going for the first few days,only to see some good 100 MPH stuff the closer you got to the Jack waiting for youin Sturgis.–K.T. Rose
WILDERNESS AT IT’S BEST–It’s Rick Duffy’s Lake Road Ride,August 26th,Leaving the eastbound Truckers, weigh scale, justeast of the Port Mann Bridge on Trans CanadaHighway 1, at 8:AM.
Overnight stop in Kamloops stay at the Super 8 Motel call1 800 800-8000 to book night of 26th.
This is the great ride around the Duffy Lake Road. Ifyou have never gone around it you will love it. If youhave visitors staying over bring them along. No needto be HOG members. Just sign in the release waver…The wilderness at it’s best… Don’t forget you canonly go into the wilderness half way.Rick will guide you in and out…
MORE MOTORCYCLE COMPANY CHANGES– This is to inform you that today the employees of American Quantum Cyclewere officially told that the company has merged with American MotorcycleCompany, and that will be the new name starting today.
This is very good news as the people that bought the company are the onesthat put Indian together and will do the same for this company.
I am very excited over this and feel that is what has been needed to makethis company a serious player. Watch for some real good things to come fromthis new company.–Rogue
HEY–Did we ever officially introduce Digital Gangster in the news? We should put up a ludicrous picture as well. Maybe John T. could put something together.–Zebra, esq.
Brothers and sisters meet the Digital Gangster, Jason Douglas. Jason meet our brothers and sisters.–Bandit
MOVIE PROSPECTS–Yes here’s another lovely couple of girls who would like to play a biiiig part in the up coming biker movie, Asphalt Cowboy.
ASPHALT COWBOY UPDATE–We want to thank all the riders out there who have sent their pictures and financial help for the film. An option has now been signed to make the movie by experience Hollywood investors, and they have six months to pull it together. Until then the celliod ball is in their court. If you would still like us to consider you for a extra bit in the movie send a photo of you and your machine to Bikernet, P.O.Box 1168, San Pedro, CA 90733–1168. Keep tuned to Snake’s projector room for updates.
A LADY– opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of theshelves. “What are you doing in there?” she asked. The rabbitreplied:
“This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”, to which the lady replied “Yes”.
“Well,” the rabbit said, “I’m westing”.
NEW PRODUCT–Hey Bandit, Even if your bike already has cruise control you can still benefit from the little gizmo they sell out at http://www.throttlerocker.com. It’s just a formed piece of plastic that slips around your throttle with a tab sticking out under the heel of your hand. That way you don’t have to maintain a death-grip on the throttle, you can just put a little pressure on that tab and open ‘er up. I called their 800 number and gave ’em my debit card number and before the charge had even cleared my account, I had the product in my hot little hand. Service like that deserves another glass of Jack. Ride on. The Professor
HELLS ANGELS WORLD RUN REPORT–It seems the local citizens from the fair town of Missoula, Montana have received a taste of what most bikers go through every day of the year. For those who don’t know what happened go to the 1%er section to read about it. There was absolutely no way there was not going to be any violence last weekend.
Everybody knows the reputation of the Hells Angels and God knows, in the old days many tried to enhance that image, Angels and non-Angels. It’s ironic that the ONLY social group to come out of this unscathed was the Hells Angels. In fact they seemed to be the pinnacles of restraint and good manners. Unfortunately there were three major factors that would not allow peace. One was a group of drunken teenagers trying to show themselves as tuff as the bikers intermixed with gawking locals. Another was a police force receiving pointers on how to handle the bikers from paramilitary thugs like the BATF, and the third, a media not just looking for trouble but wishing for it and even encouraging it with their articles. The local press for two solid weeks played up the Hells Angels visit. The papers were awash with stories of what happened in other towns designed to put fear into the minds of the locals for sensationalism and force the hand of the city officials. Interviews with locals asking questions like “Are you worried about the Hells Angels coming?” The asked if people were staying, or if their businesses would be open. With careful manipulation of words the media created an atmosphere of fear and expectancy of an upcoming clash between law enforcement and the bikers. Young adults, eagerly awaiting the excitement in what is normally a quiet town were quickly disappointed by the heavy-handed attitude of the cops preventing their fun.
This type of reporting when concerning motorcyclists has been going on since the infamous Hollister rally. BATF and FBI gave lectures to town cops designed to prime them for a confrontation, giving the impression that the invading hoards were bent on destruction. You can be sure that no mention was made that a lot of the Angels coming were middle-aged businessmen with their families. The Feds took over a hundred out of state officers with little or no interest in the town except for the prospects of going up against the infamous Hells Angels, had them outfit themselves with SWAT equipment and weapons, even threw in a couple helicopters, creating a powder-keg.
With the Hells Angels distrust of the cops, the cop’s distrust of the Angels and the young locals distrust of everybody, mixed with weapons, alcohol and possibly narcotics it is amazing something bigger shit didn’t happen. What are interesting are the responses from everybody after the fact. The police claim victory and brag that they have shown the proper way in dealing with a group labeled as dangerous to society. This is no great surprise.
The town’s people are split between support and outrage at the police response. The Angels, after being smothered by police harassment for nearly a week, are saying nothing. The supporters claim that any force necessary is justified by keeping the peace and social order. The early statistics are that $125,000 was spent to police around 500 people for three days. These numbers are expected to go up substantially. Out of this money nearly all the Angels were stopped, followed or harassed with not one single arrest with the exception of traffic tickets.
Government agencies have quietly established for themselves the right to use any means necessary to combat what they label as a terrorist group, organized crime or dangers to society. They can even legally hold you, if labeled a terrorist, indefinitely without trial. For our greater good, the tobacco companies are systematically being thrown out of business and smokers alienated.
How long before somebody decides that motorcycling should be outlawed for our safety and how many non-riders do you think will object to it. Are you listed in some database only because you own and ride a motorcycle. Eight Hells Angels were stopped, handcuffed and detained for several hours under the pretense that one of them might be wanted by the police. When it was determined that none of them were, they were released. Individual freedom is being smothered under the excuse of social peace and well being. Outsiderhttp://www.bikerlifestyle.net/
GET ME IN DA MOVIE– Nice to talk at ya. Just sending ya some pictureslike I said I would. I will send you a few includingmy 56panel. Great biker truck. Well, it will be. Just to let you know, a fewyearsback I did some commercials, in fact got principal actor in one of them.Havealso done some voice over work, don’t worry, I’m not looking to be Brando anymore, just letting ya know that I have taken direction and I know howto ride very well. I think it would be a ball to be in a movie with eitherone of my Harleys. Congrats on getting your funding for the movie, hope to betalkingto you soon…Big Mikie
WISDOM AND WHISKEY–Ya gotta rise outta my short hairs. Cut & run. Quit the job. Who needsmoney: The Fountain of Youth at the next gas stop. Tom & Huck. Jesse &Frank. The biker & the hitchhiker bitch. Well, maybe ya don’t need meafterall. And as I keep-on, keepin’on, day ta day, I’ll be prayin’ forya. If ya hit a stop that has a ‘puter, send an e-kite to post on theHOLLISTER FOREVER “Clubhouse” wall
JUST IN CASE– you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how. . . ?)
3. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s *just* a suggestion)
4. On packaging for an iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)
5. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope)
6. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)
7. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)
8. On a bag of peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.” (NEWS FLASH)
9. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?…Good grief)
10. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.” (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)
Always read those labels ……..
IRELAND CORRECTION–Nice Site! Read your Ireland news bit. But HRI.com is MITSUBISHI and harleyriderireland.com is a dead end. So I’m still lookin’ for that redheaded Colleen with the mug of Guiness!
THE BOTTOM LINE IS?–What the hell is this? As soon as I get back in town you bag ass outta here. Damn, I didn’t get a chance to see the finished product, the Blue Fandango, the Azure Fippery, the Azul de la Huevos, the Turquoise Turd, the Peacock Putz, the Sapphire Slug, the Navy Naughty, what ever the fuck you called it. No kidding, don’t wreck it until I get a chance to see it.
Oh, and don’t wreck yourself. Although, I imagine by now you’re getting damaged in some Sturgis brothel bothering the madam about towel service. I got your message about the response to the Blue Streak. I bet it looks bad. –Nuutboy
HORSE BUSINESS–I just wanted to let you know, that as a frequent flyer on BackTalk in Horse Magazine, I get sick and tired of the lame flames at you and what you’re doin’. life goes on and I for one, along with my old man, enjoy readin’ your stuff in THBC. So my response to them is fukkem! I also get sick of the shit they sling at Hammer…I’ve already told him that. if people don’t like what they see, then quit lookin’—plain and simple! can’t wait for the flick, already checked out the sneak peek…looks good, excellent background music too! Anyway…ride till ya rot…. later, Nut
ZEBRA SALUTE–Night of the Vikings…GREAT READING!!!!!!!!!Thanks Brother!!!…Gumbo
APPELLATE COURT SUPPORTS BIKERS IN STATE POLICE HELMET FLAK– Massachusetts motorcyclists roared their approval as theSouthern District Appellate Division of the District Courts overturnedthe “responsible” findings of “improper equipment” citations issued totwo motorcyclists, Timothy Kinch of Plymouth, and Daniel Zaino of HydePark, by the Massachusetts State Police. The ruling completely dismissedthe cases that State Police had filed against the bikers.
“This was a long time coming,” said Kinch, who was cited by State TrooperJack L. Garvin on November 19, 1999, in Middleboro for operating with analleged non-compliant helmet.
Kinch said it wasn’t the $35 ticket, or the six years worth ofsurcharges that had urged him on. “It was a principle thing,” Kinchsaid. “This trooper brags that he writes over 100 helmet citations eachyear and threatens riders with the towing of their bikes. In Court hemisrepresented helmet requirements and statues to the Judge. It waswrong.”
Zaino echoed Kinch. “In September I was on my way to a fundraiser for aparalyzed Hull fireman, when Trooper Valair cited me and over a hundredother riders. It was wrong. We were all wearing helmets. It wastasteless, unprofessional, and pure harassment,” Zaino said. “This wasworth the fight.”
Peabody Atty. Joseph S. Provanzano represented Kinch and Zaino at theAppellate level.
“The Appeals Court acknowledged that here in Massachusetts we use’evidence’ in Court trials, not the mere ‘opinions’ of police officers asto what is non-compliant protective headgear,” said Provanzano.
At the District Court hearing, Kinch represented himself. “Mr. Kinchdid well, but the transcripts of his and Zaino’s trials,” Provanzanosaid, “revealed Troopers Garvin and Valair completely misused the law andmay have confused the sitting Judges. These Appeals cost the taxpayers atremendous amount to rectify this misuse of their authority.”
Motorcycling groups, which included the Riders Justice Committee (RJC)and Modified Motorcycle Association (MMA) applauded the Appellate Courtdecisions.
RJC Spokesperson Georgia Sophis of Braintree stated, “This past yearthe motorcycle community banded together against this obvious harassmentof riders.” “You would not believe the horror stories we are getting. Motorcyclistsare being stopped, their personal property [helmets] seized, bikes towedand then being left with their safety in jeopardy stranded by the side ofthe road,” Sophis continued.
Sgt. Michael Valair, who cited Zaino during the Hull fund-raiser,testified on behalf of the State Police. He startled bikers present atthe Appeals hearing when by admitting to the three-judge panel thatpolice officers have no authority to seize the riders’ helmets, eventhough he has done so on many occasions and often threatened riders.
MMA Spokesperson Jimi Ricci of Waltham stated, “Most police officers andtroopers are reasonable. But we’ve heard of these two troopers, one ortwo more, and a few local police, who seem ‘hell bent’ on harassinghelmeted riders. So we banded together, hired a skilled litigator, tookthis issue to Courts and proved our case.”
HISTORY LESSON–THE FINGER– You know, like giving the finger to the cops above.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! “PLUCK YEW!”
Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird”. And yew thought yew knew everything.
SENOR CINCO PELOTAS–Whadafuck…..now your givin’ my digs to Carlos! Imusta really pissed you off or are your eyes still crossedfrom the fist upside your head in that drunken brawl? Mr. Five Ball AND SHAVED was my shit!!! Including”The Leggy One”. A weekend trade …..hummmmmm…………….that’ll cost you Sin and Coral! Rigid hah………when those long legs wrap around, you’ll learn what aruff ride is and the smile will last for a week! I’m stillsmilin’.–Breeze
Ooops–Bandit
STURGIS RIDE REPORT–Went through the storm from hell on the way out. Firsttime I ever saw it rain completely horizontal. Finelygot to a room in Faulkton SD and that’s when it reallyunleashed. Blew the bikes over and when we tried toget out to them the hotel door wouldn’t budge. Weboth pushed with everything we had and couldn’t moveit an inch against the wind. We had to go out the frontdoor at the opposite end of the building and shimmyalong the building wall to the bikes. There we stayedtill 4:30 in the morning holding up our sleds. Youcouldn’t face the wind as it took your breath away. Theride into Sturgis the next day revealed road signs blownflat to the ground, billboards demolished, thousands ofacres of corn and sunflowers looked like a steamrollerwent over them. That was just the beginning of ouradventures, Sturgis was still to come……….and that’sanother story!–FTW,Stroker
REGRETS FROM THE BADLANDS–By the time you all read this Sturgis will be OVER. I am sooooo jealous, but I have to WORK for a living, as I don’t marry for money or even know how to invest…alas, another major event slips away.
Tell Sasha that I couldn’t get Woman Rider to take a story about 30 women on the road, let alone one, so she shouldn’t feel alone. I hope her trip is safe and quite eventful.
As for me, I buried two great people here this past ten days. Jim and Sandy Formanack , owners of American Made, Inc, an after-market six-year-old bike shop, were killed when their Harley high sided in heavy rains here in South Florida. My community of bikers, all shapes and sizes, are devastated. Jim had over forty years riding experience and Sandy was his wife for over nine years now. It just goes to show you that when your life’s ride is over, the time is up. And it doesn’t matter how MUCH experience you may have. The big guy upstairs needed a mechanic and he called my friends home.
There were services with thousands of motorcycles. The headlights hung like heavy stars in the late afternoon sun. The shop, AMERICAN MADE, as of this writing continues to operate as the owners would have wanted. People have their bikes back and the work will go on. I remember when I put their annual party in Biker magazine and they were so thrilled. When I went through that awful divorce, Sandy held my hand. Jim was 56, Sandy was 45. We are in morning on the Treasure Coast. These people were top shelf, first rate and truly all American made. They will be missed dearly. Ride safe, look good and remember there are thousands of people who love you. Some you just haven’t met yet….–Diva
SHIVER–quiver,white flames rise against blue’tween my thighs!
It was terrific to spend time with you too.Sturgis/Huelet photos are being developed now and I can’t wait to startwriting my journal for bikernet.com! I didn’t get a chance to interviewJennie Hanlon because my schedule was too jammed up. I hope to speak withher at Biketoberfest in Daytona if she will be there.
The trip was tough, that’s for sure. I worked so very hard during those twoweeks and sure hope that things shine for me. I appreciate your introducingme to your industry pals and looking out for me.–Sasha
THE PROCTODOC– A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, hepulledarectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ withit.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance andsaid, “Well that’s great, just great! Some asshole’s got my pen!”
MORE ON THE BADLANDS–Well buddy looks like I missed ya. The past 4 weeks have been a blur as I did7000 miles in 4 weeks. It went something like this:Left New Orleans and headed up to Wisconsin where I picked up the kids and headed out to Colorado for a visit with my Cajun sweetheart in exile. My son caught the hell out of the brown trout (not bad for an 8 year old) and kept the camp fed. My daughter (age 6) talked us into to going horseback riding. In a hailstorm , straight up a fuckin mountain! My dark haired sweetheart kept the hearth warm and we all danced the Cajun waltz at night. Some of the asides included soaking at the hot springs and having the ranger bring my son home when a mountain lion was seen chasing deer through the campground.
After Colorado I brought the kids back to Wisconsin and turned the Jeep around and dragged the Dyna (yep, trailered) back to South Dakota. There I hung out with the Texas gang at Lake Pactola reservoir and with my Louisiana buddies at the Sturgis dragstrip. My partners raced and we changed tires and drive belts. I met a lot of good people and came to appreciate the tightness of the drag strip brotherhood. Hell, they did not even seem to care that there was a major bike week occurring.
On Wed. I rode out to Huellet WY for the festivities. Some old geezer gave me directions and I ended up in Montana before I turned around. I hit Devil’s tower and Huellet and headed back to Bear Butte lake for a dip. Sturgis at night was the usual party. One of the highlights was the lesbian bull riding escapades at the Full ThrottleSaloon. Those chicks were definitely into it. Of course we rode to Mount Rushmore and Keystone ( where I saw a few of your Hamster Buddies) . We even managed to get in some water skiing on the lake before it was all through. I rode out to Spearfish to look for ya. Honest. The red Dyna was everywhere that week so I guess it was not in the stars for us to collide.
After Sturgis I packed my rig and headed to Colorado for more time with my girl andsome more bike riding. We ended up on top of a mountain eating at an East Indian place called Katmandu with some old hippie waitress that answered every question with “Right On” . After the weekend it was time to head back through Fort Worth where I visited my FXR riding buddy and drew up plans for next summer’s riding. Then it was off to Louisiana for home and get my shit ready for another tour offshore on the oil rigs.Too bad I missed ya in Sturgis but there will be other times. Glad to hear your trip went well and the Blue Flame burns bright. –Anson
BUMPER STICKER NOTIONS– Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
MORE STURGIS REGRETS–Well, you went to Sturgis and I didn’t. I hope the tornado didn’t do you much damage. I’m going down to clean the bugs off the bike and cry myself to sleep.–Sluggo
HEY!– You prick! I wrote you a week ago. I told you I was having a problem getting on the Hells Angles web site. If you can help me say so. If not then I won’t bother you any more you prick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Later M.F.
OGEMAW COUNTY, MI RALLY–I was told that this was the last year for the Hog rally in Ogemaw County, MI. Is that true? –Russ
Can anyone help?
SONNY’S BOOK–Hey man, thanks for putting my note to you in last weeks Bikernet news (Sonny’s book report). I showed the wife and now she thinks I’m a big shot or something. Either way she’s given me some and that’s what counts. One thing, though, she keeps screamin’ your name what’s up with that?
How is Ginger, anyway?–Bandit
TWIN CAM SURVEY–Have any of you out there ridden the new twin cam? I rode one recently and can’t see any big advantage over my ’95 Electra fixed up with a Crane 300 2B Fireball Cam, a Mikuni HSR 42 carb, stock pipes with the catalytic converters drilled out, along with a 3/4 inch hole in the rear baffle plate and a Screamin Eagle ign. module and a set of Balance Masters. The twin cam vibrates more than my ’95, and I think that my ’95 runs just as well. If you want to get the horsepower past about 50, you have to own a chain of liquor stores to be able to afford the upgrades. –George
CHOPPERS RULE–Choppers Rule, and I love your film concept…But, the plot seems a little fucking lame to me. Granted you don’t want to copy Easy Rider, but shit, your story is so bubble-gum! You asked for it, you got it….but no matter what, I can’t wait to see it. Actually a couple simple changes may salvage it though. 1. Shitcan the kidnapping bullshit “to prove his love” Sir, yes sir. We’re all over it, sir–Bandit FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT GOES TO STURGIS– I’m back in Taiwan now. Sorry, I missed you but, I think I had fun at Sturgis. Had to walk a lot, but also had a lot of good folks give me a ride when I held out my thumb. Interesting thing I happened to notice. I’m from Oregon originally and most of the folks who gave me a ride were from Washington! One guy, when I was leaving on the 10th, not only took me into town from Hog Heaven but asked where I had to go and then took me there. To him and all the others who gave this poser rides while at Sturgis, I thank you. One thing that was really cool was the Panzer display. I asked someone to take my picture standing next to their replica of the Captain America chopper, and the guy invited me to sit on it! I couldn’t believe it! So I did. It felt so cool. Images of open roads and long rides filled my mind. And so did an evil little voice. “Start it up! Start it up! Take off with it! Ha! Ha! Ha! I saw an unbelievable sight walking drunkenly back to the camp the night before I left. The cops were talking to this one great looking lady who had her hands covering her breasts. I looked again and noticed all she was wearing was a cowboy hat, boots, and a patch or something placed strategically between her thighs. Or maybe she just had a really thick bush. But man, she was not only buck naked but a really good looking buck naked! And I remember thinking, “Why bother her? It’s 2 am. Who’s going to see her? My mind pleaded “Please lower your hands!” Sadly, not all the ladies at Sturgis were that way. Food prices and such also sucked. Absurd prices for not that much food or other things. And for cryin’ out loud, two dollars for a little bottle of water!? One dollar sure, but two in that heat? Perhaps I’ll write it up for the fiction department. Got a load of pictures, maybe I’ll send you some. Hope next time I can meet up with you.–Sun JUST SAW MY RIDE–I just saw me and my ride on your site hoping to get a part in the movie, forgot I sent them to you and just last week sent you some more, does this give me two chances to land a part in the movie? I’m the good looking guy with the long blonde mustache and the rigid ’54 pan. Anyways sorry for the making your life complicated.–Pirate Sorry, only half a chance–Bandit THE STURGIS COUNT–hadda make a comment on the best party anywhere…me and my buds played a lot of music on stage at the rally last week and saw and heard much more. Can’t remember when there was a party this much fun with this much to see and enjoy. The headcount was a conservative 773,000 or so according to SD sources. Tip of the hat and thanks a million to ross and rotten and crazy George and the boys at the Christian riders tent and specially, to Woody for having the insight to make this thing happen year after year. next time. –Doc Gaskill( don’t forget to thank Steve Thorpe for organizin’ the stage left so well too!!) AND THE WINNER IS–Maybe I’m blind but I didn’t see who won the ” name the bike” contest. could you please mention who won it? You’re right. In the heat of building the bike and riding to Sturgis, I forgot the winner. Karley Ross, from San Pedro, California. the name, Blue Flame, was engraved on a point cover by ancient engraver C.J. before I left, along with the Bikernet Sweetheart. WHAT IS EVERY AMISH WOMAN’S FANTASY? TWO MENNONITE!–The Gerbigs FREE CLASSIFIEDS–Yes, that’s correct. We have free individual classifieds and personals on Bikernet, just roll into the site and post your own classified. It will be checked by some of the best looking girls on the planet, then blessed and slipped gently onto Bikernet for two, that’s right, two solid months. Keep in mind that if you have a business, there may be a charge. The Classifieds are free for the individuals. But what the hell, go for it, you might get away with the ad for awhile. A GUY IN A MASK– bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. “Open the fucking safe” he yells at the girlbehind the counter. “But we’re not a real bank” she replies. “We don’t have any money; this is a sperm bank.” “Don’t argue! Open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off” She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says “Take out one of the bottles and drink it.” “But it’s full of sperm!” she replies nervously. “Don’t argue, just drink it” he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down. “Take out another one and drink it too” he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl’s amazement, it’s her husband. “See? Its not that fucking difficult, is it?” he says SAW THIS CAT’S– handmade scoot on Main Street in Sturgis,flipped him a Bikernet card, asked him to send me photos for the website. It’s atotal Mad Max bike, cost about a grand, he rode it some hellish distance, pure biker. –The Agent TO ZEBRA–Glad to hear you made the trip successful. Congratulations on your victory.I hope that you enjoy the spoils of spoils of your defeat of Bandit and theother bikers form the west. Thanks for showing those west cost riders thatthe east has the hart and stamina to ride with and defeat the best. Goodshow.–ZebraThanks for the invitation. I read something about a ride for Nashville tobiketoberfest on the Bikernet site. I think that Bandit said he would behere signing his book. Then I read about it in the latest Hog Tales. Ithink they are calling it Thunder in Dixie. I do not know if you are comingto that event. It seems pretty backwards to Ride form Miami to Nashvilleback to Daytona. But, anyway, if you or anyone in the Bikernet staff need aplace to stay then please let me know. The doors are open to fellow bros.If nothing else, I would like to hook up with some of the staff.–RH We might be there, but only the Bikernet West clan. Zebra is still licking his wounds in South Beach. Thanks for the offer–Bandit YUK– What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment. My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, “Did I call you or did you call me?” Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! QUOTE OF THE WEEK–Regret,When one door closes another door opens;but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door,that we do not see the ones which open for us. BIKERNET GIFT SHOP– Don’t order from us. That’s right, we don’t want your money. Actually, that’s not the case, but we have installed a new shopping cart system which doesn’t work with the credit card system, so we can’t take credit cards. If you need something send us a check or money order and we’ll get it out to you as soon as possible. Hopefully over the next week, we’ll have the credit card business back on line. Thank you for your patience and understanding–Sin Wu. MR. BANDITOI can’t stand it anymore. I’ve got to have that girl. The last time we went to the beach she let me rub her down with dark tanning oil. When I slipped my hand under her bra, I could feel her nipples tighten, and when I approached her mound it rocked ever so slightly in the direction of my probing fingertips. I asked her if she had ever been with a girl and she said no, but offered no more clues. She’s so bashful and timid. Can I go for it? Is she like that in bed? I’m off on hiatus with some girlfriendsin Laughlin. I’m getting “blue tongue” from Sin so I needed to get away for some action. I’ll tell you about it next week.–Coral RACE TO STURGIS 2001– Hey, I got a Sturgis Challenge for you punks–Let’s race. I’ll even give you a day head start,” Don Center barked into the phone this morning. “Let’s see if you have the balls for that.Don’s company, Iron Horse Trike Works in Rosewell, New Mexico, (505) 627-7858 builds open automotive trikes. Two models, the Python a built 350, and the Anaconda a 454 with 700 R4 tranny with overdrive. I called Zebra, but he was shaking with fear so hard that he couldn’t comment. Don’s monsters get 18 mpg with his foot in it. If we ran 5-gallon gas tanks and got 30-35 mpg, we might have a chance. OIL CHANGE BLUES–Changing oil is a drag unless you have just the right tools and the patience it’s a fucking mess. While building the Blue Flame I noticed that Daytec had carefully welded in a bung for draining the oil under the center oil bag, sorta like on a stock Softail. I thought about it and remembered when sailing with my partner Bob Bitchin that the motors on sail boats must have their engines sucked dry. No way to drain those puppies. I thought, Marine stores must have pumps designed for just this application. Presto, I get this press release for Pela hand pumps just for changing oil. They will be carried in the new custom chrome catalog and are the best possible way to get the oil out of your bike thoroughly and without a fuckin’ mess. Plus, they don’t appear to be expensive. For more information for the bastards who stole my product idea call (800) 272-7964 or go to www.pelaproducts.com. CARL’S SPEED SHOP STES SIX WORLD LAND SPEED RECORDS AT BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS– After a five-year absence from the Bonneville Salt Flats, Carl’s Speed Shop set six world land speed records on twin cam and Sportster powered Harley-Davidsons. Doug Morrow, piloting the Carl’s Speed Shop 113 cubic inch Sportster set the fastest one way speed in the APS/PG 2000 class at 178.248 mph with a two-way average of 166 mph. Aboard Carl’s Speed Shop 99-inch Sportster “Top Gun” Doug set the MPF-1650 record at 158.30 mph, MPs/pg-1650 record at 158.9 and MPF 1650 record at 163.245 mpf, fastest one-way speed was 164.519. Good friend and noted long time Harley racer Warner Riley, aboard the Carl’s Speed Shop 95-inch Twin Cam street bike, set two world records in Mps/PF-1650 class at 157.604 and 156.738 mph, respectively. The street-ridden 1999 Dyna, Twin Cam is typical of the many Harleys Carl’s Speed Shop modifies daily for it’s customers. Congratulations, Carl, family and crew–Bandit. LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE– That’s it. I know there’s more, but some small fisted female is knocking on the door. It’s a gentle, yet urgent tapping, and although I’m just tearing away at the Sturgis saga and need every spare second I can raise to complete it, that tempting ticking is beckoning me. Ah, the questions life poses: Whiskey, women, write or ride. Ain’t life wonderful–Bandit
