New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reasonyou don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doingthese days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you'rea seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in abowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expectit to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for thesekids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Poursome scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now thebottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will bein the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Securitycrisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, lightice,with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who issupposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanupon Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't makeyou spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to”beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you werepraying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadlysins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, becausewatching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.What's next competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It'scalled “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'llgo nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote sowe can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just forweddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn'tgift giving; it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After Izip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just somefreak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just wantto wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He's two,” will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And Ididn't care in the first place.
TELL ME YOUR NOT SHAKING YOUR HEAD UP AN DOWN AGREEING WITH EVERYONE OFTHESE !
–from Darcy B.
