E-Mail ValerieWhat’s up? Hell, I wish I knew. The sun decided to break out of theclouds, the Street Stalker is repaired, I’ve got parts being dipped inchrome for the Excelsior-Henderson, and I’m trying to fix the rubbing reartire on the Touring chopper, before I smoke the entire paint job, with thehelp of modified shocks from Works Performance.
You’ll notice we have a couple of construction sites going for S&Sand Daytec. More fiction should be up shortly. Finally this week should seethe Bartels’ Sportster Performance tech launched, and if the stars are inproper alignment, we’ll see “Snake’s Projector Room” come alive. That is,if the good Dr. Dewey is awake and functioning.
Ah, but there’s always something new at bikernet. Yes, the agentZebra has come up with an evil plot for the future. A competition betweenbikernet east and bikernet west. We are both building rigid choppers toride to Sturgis this year. On the way out and while we’re romping andstomping from one party to the next we will be collecting votes as to whichchop in the coolest. It might be which chop makes it, but I know mine willwith flying colors. Hell, I rode a Jesse James chop to the Badlands in ’97(see West Coast Choppers). You’ll be able to watch both bikes come togetherright hear on bikernet. Zebra’s is being built by Choppers Inc. inMelbourne, Florida. We’ve even got the girls involved. We’ll have a babehawking votes in the Badlands, one is here finding Mardi Gras beads to giveto voters, and Zebra is trying to steal parts from me as we speak. Shit,it’s only February, I don’t want to think about it.
Oh, and I promise to have Sam “Orwell” printed and on the streetsin a month, well, maybe six weeks. Listen, anyone want to buy my Excelsioror a ’46 Indian chief to help me out. That’s it, let’s get to the news.
Before we get to the meat of things, the following is an example ofhow this tight unit of creative heads works:
Bandit,We need to get a page on the homepage called “The GreatChopper Showdown”, with a sub reading, “Bandit and Zebra go tire to tire.”Inside there will be a Towle special showing you and I, on a stage,standing proudly next to our opposing, gleaming choppers. We should bothlook very defiant and proud. One side should read, “Bikernet.com West”,one “Bikernet.com East”. Then copy which I will write, will tell thebikers what’s going down and how to vote at Sturgis. See if you can getour whinny digital bitch to do this sometime before Sturgis.
Zebra
Dear ScumTowle, We’re having a contest to see who can buildthe “Baddest” chopper for Sturgis. We are going to have the bikers vote atSturgis. We need ballots. You are hereby ordered to cease with thesodomization of your niece and craft something which can be torn in themiddle, one end dropped into a ballet box, the other a heavenly keepsakewhich the biker can retain and rub against his balls on those cold lonelynights when the dope runs out and the demons come calling. Copy:(HEADER)BIKERNET CHOPPER SHOWDOWN VOTING TICKET(LEFT END) Slash along dotted line,put this end in the ballot box of the chopper of your choice. (RIGHT END)Keep this end to rub on your balls (tits) during the cold, lonely nightswhen your dope runs out and the demons come calling.
There also needs to be some sort of visual of Bandit and I standing nextto opposing, gleaming choppers. By the way, send my fuckin’ picture back tomy Miami (bikernet east) address toot sweet: I’m getting lots of staticfrom the old lady. Get cracking mo-fo.
P.S. I got chunks of guys like you in my shit.
Zebra
Now, that’s creative pussy-whipped genius at work. And now for the news:
IT’S LOVE BETWEEN FORMER COCA COLA PRESIDENT AND INDIAN–The board of directors of the Indian Motorcycle Company(R) announcedthe appointment of Henry Schimberg as the executive chairman of the IndianMotorcycle Company.
Schimberg, the recently retired president and CEO of Coca-ColaEnterprises Inc. (NYSE:CCE) — a Fortune 200 company and the world’slargest marketer, producer and distributor of beverages of The Coca-ColaCo. — is among the group of investors responsible for the rebirth of theIndian Motorcycle Company over the past year. Schimberg’s appointment wasannounced during a financial presentation at the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan.
“Henry Schimberg has had an exceptional career in the beverageindustry, building both companies and their brands,” said Indian MotorcycleCompany President Rey Sotelo in describing Schimberg’s role at Indian. “Welook forward to having Henry as a key leader and mentor of our managementteam.”
Schimberg said: “I feel success is determined by defining theoperational culture within a company and motivating its employees towardthe achievement of stated goals. I am looking to establish this consistencyof purpose with all departments and personnel at Indian.”
Schimberg returns to the boardroom and workplace after some sixweeks in retirement. A career-long veteran of the soft drink and bottlingindustry, Schimberg started his career as a driver-salesman for Royal CrownBottling Co. of Chicago. He rapidly advanced to management and executivepositions, and became president and COO of Johnston Coca-Cola BottlingGroup in 1982, a position he retained when it merged with Coca-ColaEnterprises. He was elected president and CEO in 1998.
UGLY JOKES–Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
How do you know when you’re REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with theireyes closed.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom? Say, “Nicedick.”
How do you know you’re leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tellsyou, “Let’s just be friends.”
V-TWIN HOLDINGS ANNOUNCED– it has reached a definitiveagreement to acquire five Bikers Dream motorcycle superstores, rights to theBikers Dream license at 16 independent Bikers Dream dealerships, and theBikers-Dream.com web site from Bikers Dream, Inc.(Nasdaq: BIKR) in atransaction valued at approximately $3.5 million. V-Twin said theacquisition is a significant advance in its strategy to be the leading motorcycle portalfor consumers and dealers alike.V-Twin intends to build a nationwide motorcycling business that combinesa strong retail network with customer affinity groups, e-commerce, directmarketing and on-line business-to-business services for dealers.
BikersDream will become a cornerstone of V-Twin’s activities in the “heavy cruiser”category. Herm Rosenman, Chairman and CEO of Bikers Dream, Inc., will lendhis experience and expertise to the growing company by becoming a Directorof the Board of V-Twin. The transaction will be accounted for as an assetpurchase, is planned to close later this month, and is subject to closingadjustments.
Bikers Dream superstores sell and service high quality heavy cruisersincluding Ultra Motorcycles, other U.S.-manufactured ‘customs’ and pre-ownedHarley-Davidsons in Santa Ana, San Diego and Sacramento, California; Dallas,Texas; and Conover, North Carolina. In addition to these five owneddealerships, V-Twin is acquiring rights to the Bikers Dream brand name whichis licensed by 16 dealers in 14 states that operate under the “Bikers Dream”
For additional information visit V-Twin’s web site athttp://www.vtwin.net, or contact: Lisa LaMagna, LaMagna Communications,Inc.,lamagna@mindspring.com, 516-668-4979; or contact Richard Paone, President,V-Twin Holdings, richpaone@aol.com, 212-539-0768.
REFLECTIONS–Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. ThenI look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all oftheir hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out ofwork, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It isbetter that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to beselfish & worry about my liver.” Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Time is never wasted when you’rewasted all the time. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack ofalcohol.Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that trulygives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. When I read about theevils of drinking, I gave up reading. Life is a waste of time, time is awaste of life, so get wasted all of the time, and have the time of your life.
ZEBRA CALLING RED MOTHER Do you read, Red Mot(radio dropout)?R(radio dropout)other, this is Zebra, do yo(radio dropout)ead, over? Ifyou are receiving this transmission, all is well in The Republic ofGlamour. Have established a beach head in Miami Beach, South Beach to beexact. Resistance was light, after a brief firefight with local insurgentsI managed to plant the bikernet.com flag in firm soil- just add water,makes its own sauce.
A gay dress maker complained that he held a lease orsome such nonsense on the region I colonized, but I dispatched him with afirm boot in the ass. I last saw the buggered lout heading north, weeping.Casualties were light, but much ordinance was expended and it could takesome time to rebuild relations with the folks who underestimated the powerof my herbal teas- which I passed out on arrival.
Have made contact withBilly Lane at Choppers Inc., in Melbourne. Construction to begin on ElTorro Zebra at once. Lane says entire motorcycle frame will be hewn fromtightly spun virgin vagina hair. The jugs will be commie femur bored out to100 inches.
By the way, Lane is a savage dope fiend and we shouldpublicize this extensively. My sources tell me he mainlines China White byinjecting it directly into the eyeball with a rusty rake tine. He also hasan addiction to chrome cleaner vapors, which is very hush, hush.
Forhandle bars we’ve decided to use the horns from an old bucking bull friendof mine, Widowmaker. Need a gardener. Please send the Chinaman immediately.Pussy count here is high, repeat, pussy count is high. This beach istopless, mister- no surprises. You should arrange a journey to our eastmostoutpost ASAP. Don’t expect much writing for the first six to eight months.In fact, you’re lucky I’m writing at all, considering the quality ofsupermodel tail strolling around with their knockers out. Come to think ofit, why am I writing to you at all? Over and out.
Zebra, reporting fromThe Republic of Glamour, Bikernet.com/east
THREE COPORATE LESSON TO LIVE BY:Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. Asmall rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and donothing all day long?”
The crow answered: Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the groundbelow the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on therabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing,you must besitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.”They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach thefirst branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, hereached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudlyperched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’tkeep you there.
Lesson Number Three:A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the birdfroze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay therein the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dungwas actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came toinvestigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under thepile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.ROBBIE KNIEVEL PLANS TO LAUNCH HIS ALL OVER A MOVING TRAIN– Yesit’s true, the motorcycle daredevil will stand tall against a 1917 steamengine at Texas State Railroad State Historical Park during a prime timenational telecast on F. 23 on FOX. Yeah, he’s actually going for it. Jesus!
ILLITERATE? WRITE, TODAY, FOR HELP–
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Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals andsacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Dinner special -Turkey $2.25; Chicken or beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
BIKERS DREAM ANNOUNCES SOMETHING–Sales of new motorcycles from the company’s Ultra Motorcyclemanufacturing plant for January 2000 were up 51% over the comparable periodin 1999. This represents a 38% increase in the number of units shipped. Theincrease reflects increased demand for the company’s products, improvedcapacity and manufacturing efficiencies and the introduction of a new model.
This new model represents an industry first for an establishedmanufacturer, with its standard 113 cubic inch motor and 230 millimeterrear tire.
In connection with a lawsuit brought against Bikers Dream and twoformer members of its management by a former franchisee, verdicts wererecently rendered against the defendants. There are several post-trialmotions that are pending, including one seeking a new trial. Until thesemotions are decided by the court, no judgment will be entered against thedefendants. Rulings favorable to the company on these motions would result inpayment by the company of approximately $70,000, which it will not dispute.If the motions are not decided in favor of the company, it will appeal theremainder of the judgment, which may total approximately $600,000. Thecompany believes it has a sound basis for appeal, although no assurancescan be given.
BRIGHT-GUY AWARDS– In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewergrate to retrieve his car keys.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
ALTERNATORS FOR PANHEADS–The following is tech advise on runningan aftermarket alternator on a generator motor. They put out the juice likea thunderstorm over the rockies, but there are some obstacles includingboiling small displacement batteries. The alternator will do that with oneof the puny 5.5A batteries, like I used to run. The regulator overchargesthem. I went to a 12A (you can use a14A of the same series, too). I had to cobble up a wood & metal spacer toraise the battery in the oil tank since the overflow wouldn’t fit downinside. (The rest of the battery clears by about 1/4-inch on each side.)
Then I used a cheap, but dense, computer mouse pad to protect the sidesof the battery and built a spacer for the front. The spacer allows me to easilyremove the battery while holding it secure while I ride. To limit up anddown travel under the seat, I used wood and the mouse pad material to builda tapered spacer that fits perfectly without applying any unnecessarydown force on the battery.
Like I said, right now, the battery supportsystem is not pretty–kinda looks like a prototype setup–but it worksslicker than snot. And that alternator hasn’t given me a lick of trouble,either.
The above info came from a bikernet reader, who is working on a completetech on installing alternators to generator motors–watch for it.
ZEBRA GOES INSANE–AT LAST–Dullard, I can imagine how frightening it must be for you to consider thefact that I shall soon have a motorcycle, El Zebra Torro, constructed byChoppers Inc., which will be far superior to anything which you have everridden in both horsepower and flair. Which is no doubt why you are tryingto sabotage it out of the gate by requesting such laughable reductions suchas a 180 back tire rather than the 300 which I initially requested anddropping the engine size from a respectable 200 inches to a wheezing 98.
How I chortle at your weak attempts to outrun me on the way toSturgis. Even with your 3000 mile head start (I shall be blasting off fromthe Republic of Glamour Bikernet.com East Coast outpost in South Beach), Ishall still soundly demolish you by arriving well ahead of your sputteringtricycle, you abysmal dink.
I hope you know that you will bebuying everything in Sturgis this year as well and do try to constructsomething that won’t pale when ridden next to our east coast chopper.
Give Jesse James plenty of breathing room to build a motorcycle of classand keep your female notions to yourself until he is done. Then try not tobuck off. Jesse seems to favor big horsepower from what I can tell. Thegauntlet is thrown. We shall let the people decide.
At Sturgis weshall put both bikernet.com choppers on display. Whichever bike isselected as “Baddest” by popular vote, shall also belong to the victor ofbills. In short, the loser pays the other guy’s expenses for the entiretrip. Good luck, scourge, and I suggest you start saving your penniesnow. Zebra, The Republic of Glamour, bikernet.com east, Miami Beach
ARLEN NESS BACKS VICTORY–Arlen built and rode a Victory customto Sturgis last year. It had the styling of one of his luxury liners. He’salso building a line of accessories for the thundering V-Twin built byPolaris, famous for snow-mobiles. Arlen and his son Cory are now offeringthe Victory line out of their shop in San Leandro, California.
People think Arlen is some kind of uppity yuppie, but he’s beenbuilding choppers since he was a mailman. Don’t let the flash get in theway of meeting one hell of a guy, and my bro Cory. Just hard workin’ folkslovin’ what they do.
Finally, one more thing on Victory. You don’t need to catch a train forthe Pacific coast to purchase a Victory, but you know, if you bought onefrom Arlen, he could make it look like no other. The news is that Victorynow has 300 authorized dealers throughout 49 states and the company willbegin establishing dealers across Canada this year. Watch for ’em near you.
Thanks for the note back– still miss you not being in ER. But gofor it, man. How’s Chopper Orwell coming along can’t wait to buy a copy. I lovedOutlawJustice and Prize Possession were great, and your web site isgreat.
In fact, I think I may be able to find my next scoot in your classifieds. Rightnow I have a 74 sporty will be looking for a 90’s FXR or Dyna, bye for now.
As you would say–ride forever,Your Bro in the wind, Andy Plavny( Peechsteel@ aol.com)
IN CLOSING–I’ll wrap this up with a thought for the day. If youdo what you love, everything will fall into place. I recently went to ascreening of “Pitch Black”, a fast-paced sci-fi adventure movie. Afterwardsthe director talked to the audience and took questions. I was curious’cause of the film projects we’re involved with. He made a point ofmentioning that it took him six years before he was able to produce hisfirst movie. It probably took Arlen six years before he made enough coinbuilding bikes, to drop his day job at the Post office.
I’m fortunate enough to be able to do what I love every minute ofthe day which includes riding, writing and tinkering with bikes. Lifecouldn’t be better.
All the material above doesn’t flow from my big floppy ears, muchof it comes from readers, and I want ’em to know I appreciated every joke,tech tip, or comment. That is except for the sand-snorting wanna-be tied toa chair in a warehouse in the Port of Maimi, while Cuban drug lords torturehim, for trying to molest their daughters as they walk home from school. Ikeep praying for cement shoes for Agent Zebra.
Ah, but ya can’t have everything.–Ride forever.
Bandit
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