And now, ladies and gentlemen, fresh from the White
House and into the Bandit’s Cantina and Shopworn
Showgirls’ Fandango here in the Trump Tower in Las Vegas…….Donald
Trump!! Let’s hear it for ‘im!!
“Thank you. Thank you. You’re all terrific. Biden? Not so
much. But he’s not here. He’s in the 300 year old
extremely smelly White House… and I’m going to one or
the other….or maybe all of them!….don’t really
know!…..Maybe all of them!…… I’m going into one of my
skyscrapers. That smell nice.
Speakin’ o’ smells, how about that election, uh? A guy
whose whole political platform was “Wear a mask” beats a guy who made America great for 4 years. Who the hell would want to wear a mask instead of making America
great. Apparently a majority of Americans would……… if
you believe the first mandatory-mail-in vote in American
history.
Two days after the Senate tore up the first
impeachment load a mandatory mail-in Presidential
election is concocted.
Speakin’ o’ cocks, how about that Ted Cruz, uh? I mean
the guy’s so clueless he’s actually almost worth the price
of admission to watch him work. Which price, of course, is your liberty. Small price to pay, we don’t have much left.
Am I right? You right there, nodding your head, you know
I’m right, right?
So Texas gets hit with the Global Warming deep-freeze of the century….I mean, even people pulling down the statues of the Confederacy are at this point feeling sorry
for Texans….and their fucking SENATOR goes to Cancun.
I mean he fled faster than Congress did when guys in
Apache paint entered the Capitol building. Apparently
Senators can flee even faster than Congressmen! But
then they ARE at a higher rate of pay. So it makes sense.
So it makes sense, right? You agree, right? Thank you.
So he’s in fucking goddamn Mexico with his belly sticking
out over his Speedos, hoping to get lucky with that frustrated wife o’ his and staring at all the skimpy-bikinied hotties that swarm to the place hoping to score some coke, and that’s with a small c.
Meanwhile people in his home State are literally
freezing to death in their homes. Why? Because Cruz’s
State power supply is run by people who can’t plug in a
toaster ANNNNDDD who won’t let anyone compete with
them. Because as you know competition in the utilities
industry will lead to shortages and chicanery and price-gouging.
Meanwhile no one in Texas has any utilities and
they are getting bills for 20,000 dollars for using the
electric toothbrush. Meanwhile Cruz is in the serene Mexican sunshine, hacking his nuts and jizzing in his hand while gawking at all the chick-eetas.
It gets worse: he then blames his kids for him being in
Mexico. Ya know what’s unfair?….that any penis can
create a kid. It don’t fucking MATTER who the penis
BELONGS to. It can belong to Ted Cruz!!! The penis don’t care. It has a job to do and it does it. Let the kids it makes worry about how to handle the penis’s owner
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So, he blames his kids, which they now have to contend
with from all their classmates forever, them sayin’ “Your dad must really hate you, uh?” They gotta put up with that now. I mean even kids can see Ted’s a piece of work. Not the voters though. They’ll put him right back in there.
Fucking reets.
So he blames his kids because as you know ALL
American kids aged 12-and-under routinely go to Cancun
during pandemics and Arctic snowstorms and when they
do they want Daddy there with them most of all! So, what
could he do? And I think he actually said that: he put on a
sombrero and said to one of the news cameras in a faux
Mexican accent while shrugging, “What can I do? Du Ju
no whut I’ne sane?” I think one reporter laughed. The
other reporters wrote scathing stories about Cruz. And
also about the reporter who laughed.
But Cruz ain’t done yet! No!!! No sooner does this shitload of shit hits the fan but what does Cruz do for damage control? He hurries back home to arrange a photo-shoot where he’s handing out water and probably memorabilia from Cancun to people who may or may not be interns for him and who may or may not be his
fuckhead colleagues.
“I can fix this, I’ll give this hobo a fucking Fossil wristwatch and that will make everything cool. Maybe my ol’ lady will give me a reach-around. Hey, there, freezing starving fellow Texan, whew, some tough times here for ya this week, ey, my friend? Bet you wish you were in Cancun right now, uh? I know I do. What’s Cancun?
Here, I gut some pictures here on my phone, check this out, lookit the tits on that consuelo cutie right there. She’s wondering where the hell I went! Turns out I’m here with you, my fellow American, handing out small bottles of water you actually paid for with your tax dollars because you have no water or power or heat or food because you actually elected me to run your life. How’m I doin’?????”
Fuckin’ Cruz. Even Oralcasio-Cortez is on his case. I
mean if she’s comin’ after ya that means you are a total
fucking douche. You don’t see her comin’ after Trey
Gowdy, do ya. Fuck no. But she’s comin’ after Cruz. Because she knows he’s stupid. And he’s not just Ordinary stupid. I mean he’s, like, AGGRESSIVELY stupid.
He actually works at it. He puts his back into it. He’ll
compound the first stupidity with an immediate Gattling
gun back-up of brand-new stupidities to make the first
stupidity look relatively minor by comparison. That’s how
he does damage-control on his fuck-ups: by compounding them to such a degree you forget about the first stupidity altogether. That’s, like, Reverse Genius.
Fuckin’ wife o’ his has to lay awake at night staring at the
ceiling and wondering “Is a life of Free Money From
Taxpayers really worth living with this idiot?” That’s gotta
be a pussy ripe for fuckin’. Imagine having to have grointo-groin sex with Ted Cruz. His dick and her eggs actually created more people. That just shows ya that Nature is more interested in quantity than quality. Let the quality work itself out later after we get some head-count goin’ is Nature’s way. First the quantity….then let the idiots and the geniuses fight it out on the battlefield.
Well, ya know we didn’t come here tonight to hear me talk natural philosophy regarding the Ted Cruz family tree of fucked-up DNA. We came here for the jokes.
Are ya all havin’ fun here in Vegas tonight?
Hey, relax, I’m kidding, there’s no fun with Sisolako’backbone as governor, uh? Ya like that name? Sisolako’backbone?
Better than the name on his drivers license – “Sisolak” –
ain’t it? I should be the Official Namer of People. I
shouldn’t be too hard on the guy for having no backbone, I mean he didn’t elect himself, did ‘e. Ya get what ya deserve. He single-handed turned the greatest most exciting city on earth, Las Vegas, into a fucking ghost town. By threatening to de-license anyone who disobeyed his genius medical expertise on how to keep people from
getting the fucking flu. Like not getting the flu was worth all this.
I mean, look at me, I’m outside of my own goddamn
skyscraper here in Las Vegas in this adjacent empty lot,
standing on a shitty plywood stage, doing standup to an
audience of 5 people in goddamn fucking Chinese surgical masks that are growing more bacteria with every breath than five Wuhan biological warfare labs in overdrive creating fake pandemics. Fuck me running.
Speakin’ o’ Steve Wynn: I had this dream about him.
Naa!…..not a gay dream, I wan’t suckin’ his dick or
anything. Not that I would. I mean, I’m vain but I’m ugly
enough just on my own. I don’t need to pay to be made
uglier. I mean, whose doin’ the facework on him and
Wayne Newton and Kim Novak, Edward Scissorhands?
Jesus.
So anyway, I have this dream about Steve Wynn: he gets kicked off his own empire in Las Vegas – which actually happened …..and suddenly no one gets to gamble in Las Vegas? Because of the flu?
So, in the dream I’m talkin’ to Steve and I say “So what’s
the deal, you behind this flu hoax? You can tell me.” He
says “Go fuck yourself, Don.” Rude man. Very rude man.
But what the hell, I went and fucked myself. I’ve had
worse.
Hey, you’ve been great, if you get a chance if you walk on over to the west side of the Trump building here you’ll notice there’s a long line o’ strip clubs running north and
south along Industrial Avenue, literally a fucking stone’s
throw by Greta-The-Geek Thunberg away from my
building. It’s not an accident. There’s a reason my building is still filling up with rich executives while every other hotel on the Strip is boarded up. That’s right, pussy, baby.
Pussy. Go on over there and have some fun, THANKS
