“I’m just trying to find a friggin’ bottle opener, goddamn it,” I hollered back at her to no avail. Ever since Bandit bailed outta’ here for his high-seas, world-girdling adventure, the efficiency of the well-oil machine that is Bikernet, has gotten more than just a bit greasy.
Sin Wu and her pack of scantily clad, nubile nymphets frolic about, leaving lacey bras and panties hanging off of every piece of furniture, door knobs and the shower curtain rod. The Bikernet mascot and mouse-mangler, Lucky, has gone feral. Dead and half-eaten critter carcasses liter the kitchen floor. Taking his cue from Sin Wu, he sleeps all day and parties all night.
As if that wasn’t enough, last week a couple of old bike riding louts from Bandit’s sordid youth, set up a ‘squatters ‘ camp in one of the old, empty truck bodies Bandit had intended to use for storing bike parts. The two reprobates, Bubba Rutabegga and his sidekick Lemmy Homo, are real hemorrhoids.
Luckily, they keep mostly to themselves. But it’s still distracting to have them out back, hollering and cackling away as their camp fire of busted up wooden pallets they steal from the harbor, spits and crackles.
These two and their rusty rat-bikes are starting to give Bikernet a bad name with the normally tolerant neighbors. The old, stooped -over, shawl-covered Mexican grandmas who push their squeaky shopping carts the 20 blocks to the Chihuahua Mercado on Gaffey and 5th St., give Bubba the sour ‘skunk eye’ when ever they pass by him.
Last night I was working late in the Bikernet garage, trying to bring to life a pile of discarded bike parts that Bandit and Nuttboy had been collecting in a couple of cardboard boxes in the back of the garage. About 11PM I heard this hollering and clattering outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lemmy Homo stumbling past the garage door, his pant leg ablaze.
Apparently, the two of them had earlier scored a six-pack of Old English ‘400’. After downing the heady brew, the two of them dozed off in the warmth of the fire. Lemmy Homo had slowly rolled over into the edge of the fire. By the time his benumbed synapses had finally jolted a signal to the pain center of his pickled brain, his pant leg looked like he’d be running for the opening Olympic ceremonies at Salt Lake City.
Speakin’ of the torch, check out what our own Helen Wolfe captured runnin’ right past her shop in Washington!
I wandered outside to tell them to quiet down. I walked up to the smiling Bubba whose bulging greasy cheeks shinned in the reflected light of the campfire. He was eating from a galvanized bucket of Louisiana Cajun Buttered Prawns he had snagged from a ‘dumpster’ behind one of San Pedro’s finest fish restaurants. The bucket was precariously balanced on a couple of rocks near the licking flames of the fire.
“Hey bro, I scored a bucket of prawns. You want some?” His hammy fist dug into the steaming bucket and came up with a goodly wad of the translucent shelled, pink crustaceans. “They’s mighty tasty, bro.”
I shook my head at the pro-offered spicy delights. With a shrug, he crammed the steaming mess into his gaping mouth. Lemmy Homo came limping back, cussing and griping, to the glowing edge of the sputtering fire.
“You done dancing?” Bubba had turned to Lemmy Homo, spattering the sidekick with a confetti shower of glistening prawn exoskeleton as he spoke. Lemmy Homo ignored the sarcasm and dug a greasy mitt into the steaming bucket.
“Hey Snake, what’s new?” Bubba tilted his head sideways like the RCA dog at an old Victrola horn, listening for his master’s voice.
Keeping out of range of the prawn splatter, I clued them into the past week’s happenings.
In Memory of his son Justin
Sunday, July 28, 2002
BRAND NEW FOR 2002!
ALL FESTIVITIES WILL BE HELD AT
LOWE?S MOTOR SPEEDWAY
IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE HORSE
MAGAZINE
DURING THE 2002 SMOKE OUT
POKER RUN———————————————–T-SHIRTS
BIKE SHOW——————————————LIVE MUSIC
DOOR PRIZES———————————FOOD & DRINKS
SPECIAL GUEST STAR ? Keith ?Bandit? Ball
President, bikernet.com
Poker Run Registration ? 9:00 ? 12:00
Turn 3 ? Lowe?s Motor Speedway
$10 Per Hand (3 Hands for $20)
Bike Show Registration ? 11:00 ? 2:30
Turn 3 ? Lowe?s Motor Speedway
$10.00 Per Bike
DON?T MISS THE BIGGEST MOTORCYCLE EVENT
IN THE CAROLINAS!
ALL PROCEEDS BENEFIT:
Camp Air Care – American Lung Association of NC
This camp is for children with asthma. Justin Pullin lost his life due to an acute asthma attack in 1998 at the age of 16.
For more information call Mike Pullin at 704-847-4647 or 704-573-9396
Caribbean Bikernet Report—-
This past week we took it seriously, we mocked two bikes, yeap not one,two Baby ! The bikes are , of course, Choppers and there might be a couplesurprises for you Bikernet junkies, also our let’s save the underratedSportster is almost done and we hope to be able (if our painter gets histhumb outta his ass ) feature the improvements next week. I humbly thinkthat we did a pretty cool bike on a very limited budget.Now for this weeks very important message:
If you have see this person please contact his next of kin, he was lastseen the 13 th of January after the Jesse James show, all we know is thathe got on his chopper and was going to try ride 1,300 miles just likeJesse did on the show, Puerto Rico being only 100 miles long that means atleast a gazillion times over. We tried to put his mug on a milk carton butthe local companies are afraid of an all time low on milk sales. We’ve hadreports of a weird yellow bike zooming around our rural areas, but no proofyet, could this guy be the real and infamous Goat sucker? Guess only timewill tell. If you see this guy please call 555- Chopdude.
Hey, look what we are going to use on our next bike, yep a real, honest toGod, original, stock 1965 Panhead, yeepee !There’s nothing better looking (in the bike motor world , of course) than aPanhead , oh well, Knucks are there too, yep, that engine is 36 years oldand it’s going into a brand spankin’ new chop for Bike Week. And sohappens my new bike, well maybe for sale if the right offer is made….. Keep tuned to Bikernet. com and The Horse magazine for the outcome, it’slooking good already, yessir.
We have an update on our missing persons case, another chopper rider wasable to ride for a few miles with the missing link, err person. Chiqui, wasbreaking in his new chop when he “found” the yellow chopper at a gasstation, we are guessing the rider was taking a “leak” the they rode for 50or so miles ’till meeting the Atlantic ocean and then turning back. Ourfriend reports that Kevin, (the missing person) was wearing the sameChopper Freak t-shirt and smelly jeans that he had on the 13th. Chiqui hadto bail out of the chase since the BO was not tolerated. We will keep ourupdates in following weeks or until the missing Mad man is found.
Also the local chopper guys are telling stories of some Bikernet babespartying their asses off in Old San Juan, skimpy summer dresses andcleavage is all they can mutter after more than 62 solid hours of drinkingand partying in the super crowded streets.One of the guys, Pepe kept mumbling the word “Sin” we are still trying tofigure out if it’s what they did or who they met, all he can recall is twosexy ladies going at each other in a dark alley of the 500 year old city.The question is, could the Bikernet ladies be in two places at the sametime, or someone is not telling the truth? Maybe the boys Layla was talkingabout are actually our local ni?os.
We just scored an old chopper, sight unseen; the seller claims it’s a 53,we are picking it up and will take photos for our Bikernet readers, we seeanother project coming up, and we are going to show every step of the wayhere . I was dying to do an Old Skool chop and the sale price was way toogood to let is pass. Let’s see what’s up with that.
Oh well, we have a few things to do, like plan all this new projects andlook for the sinful Bikernet babes, besides there were no news this week,and no news is good news. Like I said we are going to change things up abit, some news, some stories, some builds, and some blatant promotion ofour shop. And since Bandit’s away in the Super Stinkpot we can get awaywith what the hell we want……….Maybe next week I can slip some nakkidchicks photos without the censor strips, yessir….
See ya’ next week, with more news and more bull……
Jose – Caribbean Bikernet report (and since Bandit’s away, fictionand sex correspondent)
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