Hey, I’m telling you I was innocent. Phil Ross of Supermax belt drives was with me, he can tell you, and the dark haired beauty, well she was there, too. I’ve been working like a mad dog on the Blue Bomb for Sturgis everyday, anxiously waiting for the UPS man to arrive with more parts. With the assistance of Giggie from Compu-fire the bike is tuned and ready for a carburetor. In fact the bike was delivered today to Mikuni for the installation of a polished 42 mm Mikuni carb with a custom K&N filter. I had planned to run a ‘lil John Buttera velocity stack, but the men at Mikuni snarled at the suggestion, consequently I reversed my decision.
It was nearly midnight in the city, sure the gangsters in my lowered vehicle looked a little rough and the girls under age. I realized that my lights weren’t on, as a cabby screamed at me, honking and flashing his high beams. There was also a strange looking oriental in the back smoking an odd cigarette that filled the dark, primered car with pungent smoke that crept out of a crack in a rear window where a bullet from Agent Zebra had… well that’s another story. The tags were out of date and I wasn’t carrying any I.D. just deep pockets full of contraband and weapons. We’d guzzled a fifth of Jack between the two of us and she, well she enjoys the sweet-tooth buzz of a White Russian. I couldn’t judge her intake, only that I had to run to the market for milk a couple of times. Sure I was weaving. I fully admit it, but I could swear the asphalt was covered with snakes that appeared to be slithering into my path, trying to bite the bird’s tires. For the first time since I had the car flamed, the flames seemed to come to life in the night. But did the officers have to pull guns on us? So what if the windows are tinted and at night I can hardly see the lines in the streets. I don’t know what everybody was so upset about. We better get to the news while they’re searching the Bikernet Intergalactic headquarters. Trying to type while handcuffed to the Panhead desk is a bitch…
BEACH RIDE 2000 REPORT– I was there and responsible for the bike show, ‘cept I didn’t know how responsible I was until I arrived. Kia, a bouncy blonde in ponytails, a gray official t-shirt and wearing a set of head phones, handed me a cash box and registration forms and said the trophies were in the motorhome and the award ceremony would take place at 2:30. I looked at Sin Wu’s tits, then into those deep green eyes, she quietly took my arm, and in broken English whispered, “We help.” The woman then went to work signing people up while Beau Pacheco and his soon-to-be-wife, Vicky, and I ran 100 yards back and forth placing the bikes.
We place a half dozen near the stage in the San Buena Ventura Park and suddenly found ourselves surrounded by gray shirts and headsets all complaining about the placement of the bike–too close to the stage. We regrouped after the fight and moved the bikes.
If you’re into bike shows and showing your bike, pay close attention to the class you enter. In the future I will try to help the owners make the decision. We had guys with custom frames in the street custom category and guys with nearly stock bikes in the radical class.
Great day, perfect weather, and Brenda Fox from Bartels’ acted as the trophy girl. Sin has a full back tattoo of a beautiful woman in a kimono on her back and she spent all day sharing the vision with others while trying to keep the sun off the delicate Bob Roberts colors. I keep trying to take the kimono off when we make love, but that’s another story.
SASHA–Have you ever seen such a wonderful smile? There’s only one other woman I’ve ever met who glows like that to ride her own bike. This other woman is currently without a bike and calls me daily in her quest to find a new machine to straddle. At least I think that’s why she calls me.
Sasha here is a brilliant writer who I’ve corresponded with for some time. She has wit, description that paints powerful, tender pictures in your mind’s eye. She’s straight-forward and hard working, and will someday be a woman rider/writer who is quoted far and wide. I hope to share some of her literary genius with the readers of Bikernet soon.
BARTELS’ TECHS–Speaking of Bartels’ Dan Norman, the big guy in the service department with the tool box the size of an 18-wheeler mentioned that Twin Cam owners should be aware that their engines tend to run warmer. With hot weather all over us, owners need to run oil coolers. If you’re a Bartels’ customer Dan produces tech-related seminars. If interested call (310) 823-1112 and ask for Debi Black at extension 662.
While on the subject of tech–Joe Minton from Mikuni reminded me that heavy grease is no longer needed on wheel bearings. Light grease is just fine. Seems there’s not a lot of heat going on in the hubs, so the grease won’t melt and coat the bearing as well as a lighter grease. He also mentioned that Timken bearing end play should be between 4 and 14 thousandths. I’m in the process of making adjustments to wheel end play right now.
Phil Ross from Supermax points out that transmission alignment is crucial for belt drives. Bolt your primary to the engine and transmission while they’re loose as a goose to insure that all parties are in alignment. He pointed out that Jammer built a goofy tranny adjustment component twenty years ago that has valuable uses today in the fight for proper engine alignment.
WHERE’S BEAU PACHECO?– Good question. Well, since Big Twin bit the dust Beau’s been feeling down. Yet he’s still working at the parent company, which I can’t spell and won’t even attempt to. Sure they publish Cycle or something and Car and Driver or Road and Track. Hell, I don’t know, but he’s still there and working on a touring special which is similar to writing about one’s vacation. Whatta dream, cheer up Beau.
Beau is also involved in a major ride, Thunder over Dixie, from Nashville to Biketoberfest. He has kindly invited my sorry ass to attend this star-studded, putt from dealership to dealership across the south and into Florida. They’ll meet in Nashville Sunday, October 15th for a giant get-together at the local Harley shop. Monday they ride the crest of the Appalachians down into Chattanooga, and stop at various civil war battlefields around the legendary city, then gather at Steele Harley-Davidson for a huge party and bar-b-que. Tuesday, the itinerary calls for a putt from Chattanooga for Rosewell, Georgia, a comfortable and picturesque suburb of Atlanta, through the green undulating roads of the great Smoky Mountains. Then there’s another wild night at Killer Creek Harley-Davidson in Rosewell.
Hammered from enough Whiskey to sink a small mine sweeper and wasted from a night of mad passionate love making, we’ll crawl to our bikes for the next leg of the trip. I’ll tell you about it next week, but if you’re intrigued and would like to ride with Country Western stars call Beau and he’ll hook you up for one of the rides of your life. Hopefully you’ll have many, (949) 645-8036.
BANDIT–Last week you posted someone’s remarks about guncontrol and they made a statement something like”England has gun control and 85% fewer murders thanthe USA”.
In 1998 the population of the entire UnitedKingdom was 58,649,000 and for the United States ofAmerica 274,028,000. Could it be that their 85% fewermurders is because they have 80% fewer people? Youknow what they say “figures don’t lie”, but liars dofigure. A friend of mine from Australia describes theconditions there as total gun control. He says they havejust as many murders as we do (per capita), it is justdone with illegal guns. Another quote “when theyoutlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns”.FTW,StrokerP.S. Your running Mac? California…. you wouldn’t let goof Betamax until it was in the ground. Now your doingthe same thing with Macintosh. No, wonder you didn’tsay if you liked the Jack Daniel’s screen saver I sent ya.
Well ….. they have a Mac version too, if you want ityour just gona have to go download it yourself. I likethe “Scenes and Sayings” one the best!http://www.jackdaniels.com/just4fun/screen.asp
HORSE MAGAZINE ROCKS– Well, you be the judge, but there’s not a harder hitting rag in the industry. ‘Course, in the past they hit on everything and everybody, until there were only five readers left and they couldn’t agree on who was actually a hardcore biker and who wasn’t. I’ve been hammering out an editorial and a fiction series for the last half dozen issues and now they only have a couple of readers left. Recently the Editor gave me permission to reprint the published stories on Bikernet. There should be a couple up now and more to come, and when you get anxious to keep up with the reeling, tire tearing, chain stretched times of Vince and Chance, check out the recent issue of HORSE magazine.
THE BIG TIME COMES TO THOSE WHO WAIT– Yes, the staff of Bikernet has been patient, we’ve ate tuna from a can and shared our Corona without the lime. We’ve graciously, shared bike parts, welded our own shit to make it by, and saved our pennies to keep the Bikernet lights on. Hell, we’d rather straighten a nail to keep the walls vertical in the Bikernet headquarters, than to use up a new one.Then the other day, the call came in. The call we’d been waiting for, for so long. Harley-Davidson is now a sponsor of Bikernet. We’d like to thank Paul James and Steve Phiel for believing that a couple of veteran bikers could make a high tech web be worth more that porno and promo. ‘Cept now we need to get real jobs to pay ’em off, but we’re real proud to have the big guys on board.
SIXTH WIFE COLLIDES WITH ARMADILLO– That’s right, in a drunken stupor, after reading one of these insane ramblings about Sin Wu and the girls of San Pedro, the insanely jealous 13-year-old Lena Fairless of Dallas Easyriders caught 35 stitches in her shoulder after running head-long into a hard-as-nails armadillo. The pink Cadillac, careening at a high rate of speed toward California, was totaled. I’m lucky she didn’t make it. I would be the one getting stitches. If you’re in the neighborhood and want to meet the future Mrs. Bandit, and have a beer with Lena, at the Ice House Cafe, go to easyridersdallas.com and check out the digs. Ask Lena to show you her scar, but don’t touch it. I can be a jealous sonuvabitch, too.
STREET CHOPPER LIVES– It’s true, HOT BIKE Magazine and McMullen Argus Publishing is publishing two brand new issues of Street Chopper in the year 2000. STREET CHOPPER was one of the original custom motorcycle titles back when our minds were as twisted and twisted spokes. Watch for it.
ASPHALT COWBOY UPDATE–Conrad Goody, the star of the soon-to-be-made movie and the man who wrote the screenplay called yesterday to tell me that the screenplay has been optioned for six months. This could mean the movie could be into production in the next couple of months. We’re all excited around here and Conrad is crawling the walls. “Get down, goddamnit,” I told him. “The ink hasn’t even dried yet.”
HOT ROD BIKES MAGAZINE– Studies paints and polishes. Yep, Hot Rod Bikes magazine has a team of writers and editors polishing everything that moves in a indepth endeavor to produce the final, consummate guide to waxes, washes, polishes, brushes, sponges chamois, spray guns, spray paints and well, let’s get to the point. If you want to advertise your product or be featured in all your shinning glory on the pages of Hot Rod Bikes call Penny Osiecki at (323) 782-2790. Shit, they didn’t tell me what issue it would be featured in.
SIN WU’S WORDS OF WISDOM– Take into account that great love and great achievements involvegreat risk.
STURGIS BILLBOARD– It’s true that the landscape of the badlands is peppered with billboards promoting everything from ambulance chasers to the famous Black Hills Gold Jewelry. Ah, but a couple of new billboards will ruin the landscape. Two mighty placards will stand tall with famous Jon Towle art and the message, “Can’t Ride? Go to Bikernet.com.” Look for ’em. You’ll see ’em wherever you witness hoards of riders pulled off to the side of the road puking in unison.
AND DON’T FORGET– Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
20 YEARS OF HARLEY-DAVIDSON PHOTOGRAPHY– For the first time in 20 years, photographer Michael Lichter will be exhibiting his motorcycle lifestyle images in Colorado. From July 5-31, the Temple Buell Theatre gallery will be displaying 36 open and limited edition prints of Mike’s work taken since 1979. The prints, as large as 20 by 30 inches, are from the more than 600 stories Michael has photographed for motorcycle magazines. In addition to the theatre’s normal hours, the show will be open to the public Tuesday to Thursday, July 25-27th, from noon until 6:30 p.m. to coincide with the Harley-Davidson dealers gathering at the nearby convention center. He will also have a photographic display in Sturgis this year. For more information check www.lichterphoto.com or call (303) 449-3906
AND NOW WE PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION– Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
HARLEY-DAVIDSON, INC. ANNOUNCE RECORD SALES– and earnings forits second quarter ended June 25, 2000. The Company’s second quarter saleswere $755.0 million, an increase of 24.0 percent over the second quarterlast year. Diluted earnings per share for the second quarter were 29 cents,a 33.4 percent increase compared to last year.To read the full press release, click on the link below. http://investor.harley-davidson.com/news/20000711-17696.cfm
LENA’S GAG FOR THE WEEK–Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: “I’ve got a hot date for tonight,an’I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ dem thar rubbers gonnacost me?”
To which the pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99with tax.”
To which the redneck replies: “TACKS! Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on bythemselves?”
IRISH MOTORCYCLING CHAMPION KILLED– Ireland’s Joey Dunlop, five times the TT Formula One world champion, died instantly on Sunday when he crashed in an international race in Estonia. The 48-year-old was leading the 125cc race at the 3.7 mile public roads circuit on the outskirts of the capital Tallin when the accident happened on the second lap. He had already won the 600cc race on Saturday and the Superbike race earlier on Sunday. Racing at the event was canceled following the crash.
Dunlop, from Ballymoney, north of Belfast, was hailed in Northern Ireland as an outstanding ambassador for the sport. He had a record 26 TT wins on the Isle of Man — the last just over three weeks ago — spanning a 25-year racing career on the island. He began racing in 1969 and had been a factory Honda rider for the past 18 years. Dunlop, married with five children, was awarded the MBE for his motorcycling achievements and the OBE for charity work. An unfortunate end of an era.
OUR SEX LESSON FOR THE DAY–A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to themarket looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get aspecial rooster – one that could service all of his many hensand when he told this to the market vendor, the vendorreplied: “I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is thehorniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Randy back to thefarm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy alittle pep talk. “Randy”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.”
Without a word, Randy strutted into the hen house. Hewas as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like athunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying,till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.
But Randy didn’t stop there; he went in to the barn and mountedall the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same.The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out”Stop, Randy, you’ll kill yourself!” But Randy continued, seekingout each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmerlooked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in theair, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard wasalready circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, “Ohyou poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. Iwarned you, little buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Randy whispered,”The buzzard’s gettingcloser”
NUUTBOY’S REPORT FROM IRELAND– It’s cold, wet and green. Or maybe that’s because I’ve had too much Guiness Dark Ale. Too much and you tend to get a little green around the gills. The capital city, Dublin, is a major party town. And there are H-Ds cruising the streets. Not many but they are here.
I searched far and wide to find the core of hard-core H-D enthusiasm. I found it in a tougher part of the north inner-city of Dublin. There I met Michael Doherty, owner of the H-D dealership of Ireland (2425 Blessington St. Dublin 7)
Doherty is a no-nonsense kind of guy who has been working hard to develop a market for H-D in the Republic of Ireland. He indicated that there are 4,000 motorcycles (in a country of 3.5 million) sold each year, in Ireland; few of them are H-D, mostly Japanese bikes. He said the miserable weather is the biggest limitation.
Doherty says his target customer is the “upscale” , “leisure biking” market which is the fastest growing segment. Johnny Heraty, a mechanic at H-D Ireland described the character of Irelands bikers as mainly ‘good fellas’. Though there are small bands of bikers who are eager to get drunk and crack heads; groups like the Freewheelers and Viking Nomads.
Doherty told me that what H-D riders they have in Dublin meet every Sunday morning at Thunder Road Pub and Restaurant in the main rockin’ section of Dublin called Temple Bar.
At Thunder Road I met Michael Woods, Pat King, Declan Weafer, Eamon Ross and his young son Sean. Woods explained that they all are members of Ireland Chapter One, the biggest H-D club in Ireland and affiliated with the Aire Valley H-D Club in England. They had just got back from a 2,400 mile European Hog Rally which started (or ended ?) in Barcelona, Spain. One of their biggest limitations is acquiring custom parts. There are only 2 or 3 dealers of custom parts so most of the bikes remain fairly stock. All in all it was a friendly group of guys. I’m still standing.
That’s all from Ireland, now back to you, Bandit. This is Nuutboy drinking out, er, I mean signing out.
NAME THE STURGIS BLUE MACHINE CONTEST You remember the song with the phrase, “DEVIL WITH A RED DRESS ON” well, along that line of thought, how does this grab ya for yer Bike’s name?
SINISTER BLUE BITCH
Emphasis on the sin of it all. –Larry McDermott (MAC)
There is a Louisiana snake that moves like lightning around these parts. It is blue with a pale-ish yellow stripe along its side. Goes by the name “BLUE RUNNER”. Any resemblance to your Sturgis 2000 steed is merely coincidental.–Anson
Lets see……… a name… Hummmmm!
Sapphire Slayer
Blue Ball
Blew Ball
Blue Balls
4 Ball
4 Balling
For Balling
Cobalt Killer
Cobalt Killer
Blue Bullet
Azure Fadin? (away in my mirror)
Azure Ass Getter
Prussian Pussy Getter
Prussian Pulchritude
Your buildin’ this thing for the Bad Lands rightHow bout Blue Butte….No, I got it.
Blew Butte…. Great play on words, sounds like shortfor Blue Beauty. Put a blower on that bitch and theBlew part will fit too. Let’s see Zebra’s chopperspecialist out do a blown rigid. Now you don’t seethat everyday! Not a turbo, but a blower. A friend ofmine made one for his bike. He built his own primarybelt drive with a take off on it for the blower. Bad ASHELL! Knuckle Head at that. Fuckin’ thing willsmoke the tire for a full block!
Well, it’s a tuff choice, I really like Azure Fading…no…Blew Butte….. that’s my entry
Just get the fuckin’ thing done in time for Sturgis.FTW,–Mr. Breeze
Hey man, I see two choices for namin’ that machine yer building: Hal, after the computer in 2001 a Space Odessy. Ya know, that machine seems to be controlling your life of late just like Hal did with Dave. The other possibility is Sea Biscuit, ya know, like the race horse…Sea gets the color blue inta the deal by inference and the horse name covers the ride part. I have no fucking idea what the biscuit adds except maybe a maybe some vague sexual reference to buttered buns. If I win one of your damned contests, I need to have some wheels rechromed. Thanks for the great place to visit and see that there are still some sane folks inhabiting this sorry planet. –Carlos
THE CONTEST CONTINUES. GIMME A NAME AND YOU GET A PRIZE. SEND YOUR ENTRIES TO bandit@bikernet.com. WE’LL MAKE A DECISION AS SOON AS THE BLUE BOMB FIRES TO LIFE.
LOVELY LOUISE’S SALT FLATS REPORT–On Monday July 1, 2000 Gary Allen had the opportunity to visit theSaltFlats. He gave this condition report at the U.S.F.R.A. meeting on July6.
The Salt is drying nicely. There is no water at the end of thepavement.The Salt at the end of the pavement is hard enough that someone haslefttire rubber marks on it from fooling around.
The salt on the “old international course” is sticky, it sticks totires and collects in wheel wells. Starting about 1 1/2 miles East ofthe weather station, pressure ridges are beginning to form, indicatinggood dryingprogress. The Salt appears smoother than last year with no evidence ofthepotholes we saw last year.
The Salt appears very white, probably due to the Save the Salt pumpingoperations. On Monday July 10 representatives from the S.C.T.A. andU.S.F.R.A. will meet out on the Salt to layout the racecourse for this year.
I expect to hear more firsthand Salt reports as soon as the Courselayoutand dragging operations begin. I will keep the Salt Condition Reportonthe front page of www.saltflats.com as current as possible. Check intherefor the latest Salt info.
OBSCURE FACTS–THERE WILL BE A TEST LATER– A Russian woman gave birth to 69 children from 1725 to 1765 (there were16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets).
Prince William once flushed his dad’s shoes down the toilet.
Coca-cola can be used as car oil.
Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.
Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth’s 1st mother, had 6 fingers on her lefthand.
I AM HERE WITH INFORMATION ON A NEW ZEALAND RALLY–
The Mainland Motorcycle Club ofChristchurch, New Zealand has organized the Global Bikers Wish Rally 2000 which will replace the OldWorld RecordRally. The World Record Rally since 1992 raised over $18,000NZdollarsfor charity. In 1998 it raised $3,500NZ dollars for the Make-A-WishFoundation of N Z Trust. Make-A-WishFoundation International as well as the Make-A-WishFoundation New Zealand have approved thisrally.
This rally is a not for profit project. Our new event is the same BUTdifferent! DAVID BAILEY,Phone: 64-3-332-5235 (Home),FAX: 64-3-379-0806 (on 24 hours),E-mail: “mailto:mainland.motorcycle.club@paradise.net.nz”smainland.motorcycle.club@paradise.net.or mail to: davejohb@hotmail.com
SEX AND THE ART OF LOSING WEIGHT– Look how many calories you can burn:
* TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement – 12 cal
Without her agreement – 187 cal
* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands – 8 cal
With one hand – 12 cal
With one hand being slapped – 37 cal
With the mouth – 85 cal
* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection – 6 cal
Without erection – 315 cal
* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris – 8 cal
Trying to find G spot – 92 cal
Without caring at all – 0 cal
* WHEN DOING IT Holding her up – 12 cal
Just on the floor – 8 cal
* POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy – 12 cal
69 laying – 8 cal
69 standing up – 112 cal
Trolley – 216 cal
Italian chandelier – 912 cal
* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real – 112 cal
Fake – 315 cal
* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly – 32 cal
Being in a hurry – 98 cal
With her husband opening the door – 218 cal
DA TUNES COLUMN–Check out Merle Haggard’s “Motorcycle Cowboy” the song and the video get right to the heart of the matter. Oz should get a tape and play it in his sleep, it might just cure him of his problem. –Carlos
A MAN FLYING KITE–A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”
The father yelled back, “Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,… and you told me to go fly a kite!”
ESCAPE FROM SAN PEDRO–The hearing won’t take place until after I’ve escaped for the Badlands. If I hide in a pack of 50 Hamsters rolling out of Cortez for Denver, they may not see me. In fact, I’m sure if I’m cool in the Badlands that I’ll be missed as just another two-wheeled fugitive until the rally is almost over. At least that’s the delicate plan. Just at the most fortuitous moment I will make my whereabouts known only to be arrested and extradited back to California. Hell, I’ll save $300 on airfare. But then what. Who cares, let’s ride. –Bandit 
