I wish I knew what I was doing half the time. After Laughlin, Iwished I had my reliable Street Stalker at home, or still had the RoadKing, then I looked at my watch, then at the calendar, then at the girlbeside me in bed, then the phone rang. It was Myron Larrabee, the master ofdisaster in Phoenix, “You got the rooms lined up for Sturgis? It’s justaround the corner.”
I sat bolt upright in bed and barked, “What’s it to you?” That’swhat I’m supposed to say, right? He barked back at me, “Why I oughtta…”and slammed the phone down. The guy owns two gyms, the Billet Bar, and theScottsdale Arizona Easyriders store. He can curl more than I weigh. Itwould only take one angry bastard, one hour to fly to L.A. So I grabbed thegirl at my side, threw on some shorts and hightailed it to the harbor. Ihad almost jogged two blocks before I noticed that my girl had no clotheson. We returned, spent another hour in bed and went back to the docks for aquick get-away. “Two tickets to Catalina,” I told the express boat clerk.
Catalina has a bizarre drink called Buffalo Milk. It’s atreacherous aphrodisiac made with Kahlua, vodka, milk, rum, Baileys, andwho knows what and is blended like a margarita. It makes men tell talltales and girls want to stay in bed. We had a couple and staggered to thebeach where she began whispering in my ear. I remembered my lastconversation with Mark Lonsdale (the author of Body Guard in the booksection) about Sturgis and grabbed a calendar. The Buffalo Milk wasn’tworking its magic on me, but it sure was on my girl. Her deep green eyessparkled in the sun as I counted the days until departure to the Badlands.As I realized I had less than three months to build two bikes, one Daytecrigid, Weerd Brothers creation for myself, and one Paughco/CCI Softail forAgent Zebra, I became increasingly paranoid. I could see the mainland, andkept envisioning a small burst of flames on the horizon as Myron reachedthe San Pedro shed and with his mighty bare hands, causing it to burst intoflames and burn to the ground. “Where’s Patty’s number?” I muttered, whichset the girl at my side into a rapid transformation from a sultry sexuallyhungry wench into a jealous psycho. “Who is Patty?” she snapped like apiranha with the smell of human flesh filtering between its gills.
“She’s the girl who knows all there is to know about Hamsteraccommodations,” I tried to explain. Suddenly I was not only paranoid thatI couldn’t build the bikes in time, but that my house might be in shamblesby the time I swam back to the mainland 25 miles across the treacherous,shark-infested channel, but that this hungry, dark-eyed, silken-haired,narrow-waisted, milky-skinned, sexual maniac at my side would turn on me. Iducked, and we’d better get to the news, before it’s too late:
EASYRIDERS OF DALLAS NEEDS MECHANICS–That’s right. Rick Fairlessof Easyriders of Dallas needs a couple of top-of-the-line mechanics to helphim make his service dept. sing. If you want to work at a shop that buildsbikes, works on performance machines and has a bustling cantina full ofwomen next door, call Rick quick, but keep your hand off my sixth wife.She’s only about 100 pounds with big brown eyes and long, mid-back brownhair and a constant smile. Sure, she’s only 12 years old and the boss’sdaughter, but we’re already discussing arrangements. So stay away fromLena. Rick’s number is (214) 357-0707.
INTERESTING QUOTES–“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? –Marsha Warfield
Have you ever noticed…. Anybody goingslower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? –George Carlin
HARLEY-DAVIDSON REMANUFACTURES ITS REMANUFACTURING PROGRAM–Remember last year when the factory instituted their Engine RemanufacturingProgram, where they breathed new life into Evo motors.
“The Remanufacturing program has been a huge success,” saidShulton Thomas, Parts and Accessories Marketing Manager forHarley-Davidson. “And we’re improving the program by increasing ourcapacity, reducing the turnaround times and providing shipment tracking.”
Remanufacturing is a perfect way to revive any Harley-DavidsonEvolution 1340 engine that’s seen its share of miles. It not only enhancesthe look of a used Harley–it restores the feel as well. Customers are ableto get back in touch with their bike’s initial power and performance. Wishthey would do the same for my ’48 Pan.
The process is a breeze. You take your bike to a dealer. He removesthe engine, puts it in a special crate and ships it via Federal-Express toMilwaukee. The factory disassembles your pride, inspects it, then thecrankcase, cylinders, and flywheels are remanufactured or replaced asnecessary. Old paint is also removed and fresh powdercoat is applied in thecustomer’s choice of silver or black. The engine is reassembled and hottested to make sure it meets factory specs, and shipped back to the dealerof your choice (hopefully it’s the same dealer who has your bike).
The cost: $1,995 for silver and $2,295 for black wrinkle. Shipping,removal, and installation are extra. For more info go down to your dealer,goddamnit, or call (800) 443-2153, or visit the H-D Web site atwww.harley-davidson.com.
HARDTAIL MAGAZINE LIVES– Buck Lovell who once was the editor ofHot Bike can’t keep his hands out of the magazine world, so hekicked over Hardtail Magazine. It’s a magazine devoted to rigidframe riders, in fact he’ll probably feature the Daytec rigid I’m buildingto fly to Sturgis on (I gotta git to the garage). Look for his magazine,he’s doing a fine job.
Ah, but wait. Every 3rd Sunday of the month he has a rigid ride-inshow with a bar-b-que, beer, live music, 1-6 p.m. in Corona, California.Take the 91 East exit on Green River, go right to the first light, turnright, 1/2 block turn left into the shopping center.Be there, be there, be there.
DID YOU KNOW? The name Wendy was made up for the book PeterPan.
ROYAL ENFIELD LIVES-SORTA– Last year I drove my truck to ArizonaBike Week with Jim Betlach with my Street Stalker loaded in the back. Iknow, that’s bad news, but one of the plans was to buy a Royal Enfield andhaul it back. I had the casholla burnin’ a hole in the bottom of my pocket.Ya see, I had seen one of these units and it reminded me of the years whenI was in my teens and in love with Triumphs, BSAs, and Royal Enfields.Couldn’t afford one then, and these were the spittin’ image of the oldones, except with turn signals.
Well, they didn’t have my unit and the one they had on display inthe dusty parking lot wasn’t running too well. Or was it the way Jim triedto handle the little 500 single? Well I ran into them again recently inLaughlin and here’s a couple of words from the factory: Not a replica or areproduction, this is the real thing–the original 1955 Royal EnfieldBullet, the oldest continuously produced motorcycle of British design,brand new and imported direct from the factory (in India).
For more information call (800) 201-7472 or check out their Website at www.enfieldmotorcycles.com. It’s kick only.
Over Two-Thirds Of Car-Motorcycle Crashes Are Caused By Drivers–NotMotorcyclists– According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, morethan two-thirds of car/motorcycle crashes are caused by drivers, notmotorcyclists. These crashes most often occur when a car is making a leftturn in front of a motorcycle operator; if a driver fails to check a blindspot before changing lanes; or in the presence of a road hazard like apothole when a motorcyclist needs to take an evasive action a driver wouldnot.
May has been designated Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month. Listen tostreaming audio containing comments from actor Francesco Quinn, an avidmotorcyclist who commutes to the set of “The Young And The Restless” on hismotorcycle at http://www.medialink.com/medialink/r00-104.shtml
THE FAMILY COUNSELING DEPT.–Then there was a man who said, “I never knew whatreal happiness was until Igot married; and then it was too late.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “Youknow, I was a foolwhen I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes,dear, but I was in love anddidn’t notice.”
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wifewanted.” Next day hereceived a hundred letters. They all said the samething: “You can havemine.”
AS FOR THE SALT AS IN BONNEVILLE–There are a couple of thingsfrom a 2-wheelperspective
1. There will be a hell cat fight between the Harley team and theMotoguzzi dudes who cleaned their clocks last year (they even broughttheir own hot air balloon) so expect a flurry of new records swappingback and forth during Speedweek.
2. Bike legend Don Vesco is poised to take the world land speedrecord for wheel driven cars at over 400mph. As you might recall Donnailed the world bike record three times before Dave Campos.
3. Mike Cook has nailed a factory sponsorship from Pontiac–thisafter years of running Ford Thunderbirds.
4. The resalination project has been going great. The salt racers areexpecting a record year for course lengths. Theoperative word is hope, you never can really tell until the waterevaporates.
DEEP THOUGHTS– One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your bestfriends. If they areOK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I thinkmy wife is beautiful, but I only have photographsof her on thewall.
BIKER TRIAL BEGINS IN FINLAND– A murder trial against threemotorcycle gang members opened Monday amid tight security in a bomb shelterin southern Finland because officials feared reprisal attacks by rivalbikers.
The three men, of the Canonballs gang, were charged with murder forkilling three rival gang members and wounding two others in a Januaryshootout during a break from a court hearing in Lahti, 60 miles north ofHelsinki.
A fourth man was charged with assisting in the pizzeria shootings inwhich two outsiders also were wounded.
All four men, who were not named under Finnish law, denied the chargesMonday.
Detective Chief Superintendent Martti Hirvonen of the Lahti police saidthe courthouse was not safe enough to try the bikers.
“We felt it was safer to hold the hearing in the air raid shelter,”Hirvonen said. “There’s no doubt, there have been threats. After all, weare dealing with bikers.”
He declined to give further details of the hearing or security arrangements.
Police fear the Jan. 18 shootings could re-ignite a feud between rivalbikers in the Nordic countries in which at least 15 people have been killedand 75 injured since 1994.
During the past few years, no attacks were reported until the Lahtiincident in which Bjorn Isaksson, 35, chairman of the Bandidos gang andmember Sakke Pirra, 31, were gunned down. Also, Juha Jalonen, 34, a memberof the Black Rhino biker gang was killed.
“They (bikers) have a sort of revenge mentality in their culture, sothat if someone strikes at them they will, sooner or later, strike back,”Detective Chief Inspector Rabbe von Hertzen of the National Bureau ofInvestigation said.
If the three accused bikers are found guilty, they face up to life inprison.The hearing is expected to last four days.
THINGS YOU WISHED YOU SAID–As long as there are tests, therewill be prayer in public schools.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
God must have loved stupid people ’cause he made so many of them.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
SEARS POINT POSTPONED, U.S. SUPERBIKE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND CANCELED DUETO RAIN, TRACK LEAKS–AMA Pro Racing announced today the Sears PointAMA U.S. Superbike Championship National Road Race has been indefinitelypostponed. Two days of constant rain and underwater springs leaking ontoturns one and 11 of the track caused dangerous riding conditions that couldnot be rectified. Merrill Vanderslice, AMA Director of Competition, madethe decision after attempts to dry the track were unsuccessful.
AMA and Sears Point officials will announce any plans to reschedule theevent in the coming weeks.The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Racing Team will now focus itsefforts on Road Atlanta, June 2-4, the next stop on the AMA U.S. SuperbikeChampionship tour – and home track for Harley-Davidson rider Scott Russell.
For more information about the 2000 AMA Superbike Racing schedule,visit www.ama-cycle.org.
WHERE’D HE GO?–I’ve been reading Easyriders mag for the last 20 years. I recentlynoticed that your name is no longer shown as exec. vp – editorial directorand I can’t find the Short Strokes column. What’s up with that? Rideforever, F. T. W.
I receive letters like this one weekly. So to set the record straightI’ll tell you a story. I worked for ER off and one for 31 years, since thethird issue in 1971. For all those years I busted my ass writing andreporting on a lifestyle I loved but didn’t get to live much, especiallyover the last 12 years. We worked too hard. Well, now I can live thelifestyle I wrote about all those years, write my books tinker with thissite, build bikes and ride. Plus I’m doing a little freelance for HotRod Bikes, Horse and the Enthusiast to keep beer in the ice box andJack Daniel’s in the cupboard. Simple as that.
OBSCURE FACTS– No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
“Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt.”
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of a $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
IN CLOSING FOR THIS WEEK– Believe it or not, I returned fromCatalina, the shed was still hanging on a San Pedro bluff, the dark-hairedbeauty was still on my arm, and I had more work to do. I buckled down onthe Sturgis 2000 project and Agent Zebra’s Paughco framed Softail was onwheels and waiting for the driveline before midnight. The Miami stationedbastard Zebra will be reporting next week. Wrench put in as many hoursdigging for nuts and bolts as possible before he collapsed. The challengeis written in blood. We’re riding to Sturgis, if we have to strap theSnap-on Bikernet tool box to the rear fender before we go. Who needslights, horns, and turn signals? We’re going for it. Now, I’ve got to getoff this damned computer and back to the garage.
Ride forever.–Bandit
