Hey,
Where to start? The heat in the garage has been severe lately. AsZebra’s bike takes shape under Wrench’s tutelage and expertise it’s readyfor lines and wiring, although we’re still digging in the garage for aprimary drive system. Shortly there will be a tech on the site about thenew line of engines from Custom Chrome. An 88-inch model is in place in thePaughco Chassis, along with a Baker 6-speed transmission. As for my sleekDaytec chopper, the frame is being built as we speak, the Weerd Bros frontend is on it’s way to me and the frustration is growing.
Drivinghard to stay on schedule didn’t prevent the heat from descending on the SanPedro shed. However, between burnouts in the street and the noise coming,at all times of the night, from the bedroom sparks and the grinders singingin the garage, I did manage to notice a greater police presence in theneighborhood. By Mother’s day eve it was time for a hasty retreat to thehills. Unfortunately the Agent flew in from Miami to check on the progressof his Sturgis Softail project and for some odd reason the calm dark-hairedwoman of San Pedro can’t stand his guts anywhere near the CaliforniaBorder. Zebra and I were called into last minute action by an agent ofMiramax films. We rode into Hollywood for a Jack Daniel?s injection at theMartini lounge on Melrose, then again at the dark and mysterious Cadillaclounge, before all hell broke loose. Usually calm and serene, I went off.Maybe is was the whiskey, maybe the women, maybe the pressure of the week,maybe that bastard Zebra who can’t turn a wrench with both hands and hisfeet, or maybe it was the young film executive who turned his back on me atthe wrong moment, but ice flew, glass shattered and the next thing I knewknives were drawn.
We could hear the sirens wail in the crescent moonand neon lit night as we made our way out of the seedy city for the hills.Zebra jammed to the airport without giving me the cash to complete hisbike, and I rolled out of the L.A. basin for the San Jacinto mountains, andIdlywild where I camped constantly as a kid. Fortunately Nuutboy whoendured Laughlin with us and is feverishly writing his account of themayhem in the desert, has a small tilting cabin in the granite and Pinetree strewn hills outside of town. I made it, just in time to scarf asandwich and a beer, and crash on the couch. But just as I was about tofall asleep a young woman touched my shoulder and in my haze I immediatelyrecognized the soft folds of dark hair touching my unshaven cheek. I was120 miles from L.A. through a half-dozen freeways and 30 miles of windingmountainous road leading 6000 feet into the sky. Where did she comefrom?
We better get to the news.
HARLEY-DAVIDSON OPENSROADSTORE PILOT ON VIRTUAL HIGHWAY–Now Riders Can Shop Online forGenuine Harley-Davidson ProductsHarley-Davidson enthusiasts rumblingalongthe information superhighway can now ride into The GenuineHarley-DavidsonRoadStore, a new e-commerce section of thewww.harley-davidson.com website, which opened its e-doors on April 3.Across the continental U.S., riders can purchase from awideselection of Harley-Davidson MotorClothes and Genuine MotorAccessoriesproducts shown on the RoadStore. More than 2,600 products areavailable forbrowsing, and more than 1,000 products are available forpurchase online.Products and expertise are provided by participatingHarley-Davidson e-commerce pilot dealers.
“Our RoadStore pilot combinesthe road-tested expertise and convenience ofour dealer network with thelatest Internet technology,” said John Crowell,director of distributiondevelopment for Harley-Davidson. “The RoadStoreoffers just another placewhere customers can get personalized, expertassistance from aHarley-Davidson dealer.”
Unlike traditional e-commerce sites, whichservice customers with acentralized warehouse system, the RoadStorecustomers are serviced by anetwork of actual Harley-Davidson dealers. Thisoffers RoadStore customersthe option of purchasing products to be shippeddirectly or held for pick-upfrom their selected Harley-Davidson dealer. Aconvenient Sign In/Sign Onregistration process helps enhance the buyingexperience for repeatcustomers; and registered visitors are able to saveproducts to a specialWish List for viewing or purchasing at a laterdate.The RoadStore is integrated with Harley-Davidson’s convenientdealerlocator, where riders can search for their closest dealer, learnabout theproducts and services they offer, and get a map with drivingdirections.
For more information, visitwww.harley-davidson.com.
DEAR FUCKO– I’ve got a nifty idea. Whynot put all the shit I wrote for Bikernet, on Bikernet? What do you think?To me it makes sense, as it was originally crafted for the Web site. It’sbeen some time since I wrote it, but the language should still becontemporary and I think it makes good sense. What do you think? If youagree, and I know how agreeable you are, I think you should give it a shot,you know, see what you can do, pull a few strings.
YOU DUMBMOTHERFUCKER, PUT DOWN THE JACK AND THE AIR WRENCH AND GET YOUR FAT FUCKIN’ASS IN THAT DUMP YOU CALL A HOUSE AND DOWNLOAD MY VIKINGS STORY OR I TELLTHE WORLD ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BEDWETTING PROBLEM, SWAMPSUCKER!Zebra
Whatta ya think, guys and girls? Should I give him abreak?
Dr. Dewey, our webmaster, responds:
Zebra, thefact of the matter is simple: people don’t care to read your overblown,self-indulgent and mind-numbingly long pieces of shit. After all, thereare only so many ways of working your wretched H&K 45 into a storyline.These stories tend to be nothing more than caffeine-soakedstream-of-(un)conscious strings of spurious drivel, not unlike the writingsleft behind by folks who shoot themselves in the head on an LA freewayoverpass during the live evening newscast. The length of your scribblingsalone is enough to send astrophysicists back to their labs to research newnumerical systems with which to measure the length of these so-calledstories. And in other corners of academia (outside of psychology, whichapparently gave up on you long ago), students and professors of literaturehave yet to gather up their collective jaws from the floor after trying tocomprehend the sheer volume of your meandering tomes. So get a clue. Writesomething interesting. And short. And leave out your H&K for once. Ourvisitors and our webserver will thank you, as will I.
Dr.D.
TECH FORUM–Do you offer a technical forum for riders toshare wrenching techniques. –Tom
Hey Tom, most of the mail wereceive contains tech questions. If I can’t answer it, I will send it toour resident master mechanic, Oz. We’ll find the answer one way oranother.–Bandit
LIFE’S REFLECTIONS–A lady came up to me onthe street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow wasmurdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses.Now I’ll have to kill you too”.
Future historians will be able to studyat the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the RonaldReaganLibrary, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. HOLLISTERHARLEY-DAVIDSON NOW OPEN–Yes, my new dealership is rolling. It is mysatellite store while we build the Morgan Hill building. Nace is a player,he needed something to do, and I needed some intelligent help. I will beopen in a week and a half. Start to finish in 90 days, blew people away. Goahead and put out a news release. address is: Hollister Harley-Davidson,203 E. Hawkins St. Hollister, CA 95023 phone 831-638-9400 hours are Wed-Sun10-7. Will go to 6 days a week in a couple of months. Full dealership,bikes, parts, service etc. –Dan Stern. Dan and Nace were the leadersof Custom Chrome for years. Since leaving the corporate world they’ve beenfighting the immense desire to become drug addicts. Harley-Davidson savedtheir lives by affording them the opportunity to open a dealership. The twomasters of the custom world now own a dealership. It should be interestingto see the bikes they build.–Bandit TITAN SHIPS FIRST INDY 500BIKE– Titan has shipped their first motorcyclecommemorating theIndianapolis 500 race event. The Indy 500 Titan has acustom, racing orangepaint scheme featuring the official Indy 500logo. This first productionversion of the one-of-a-kind bike wasshipped to Titan ofIndianapolis. JON TOWLE RULES–Your site sucks. It sits in thesame spot for months. The only part I, er, we enjoy is the Jon Towle part.The rest of you should put a gun to y’alls head and pull! DO YOU THINKLOUD EXHAUST PIPES ARE… Visit our website and ADD YOUR VOTE or just check out what yourfellow riders have tosay:http://www.americanmotor.com/headlines/news/news.cfm?id=1298 LoudPipes Save Lives–Bandit US SENATE CANDIDATE CAMPAIGNS BYMOTORCYCLE– The Miami Herald reports that Willie Logan, a FloridaUSSenate candidate, has hit the road for a 60 day campaign trail fromextremenorthwestern Florida to Key West via motorcycle. Logan isaccompanied byapproximately 16 other motorcyclists, many ridingHarleys. INSTRUCTIONSFOR LIFE–Take into account that great love and great achievementsinvolve greatrisk. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. Follow thethree R’s: Respect for self. Respect for others andResponsibilityfor allyour actions. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes awonderful strokeof luck. FLORIDA’S HELMET LAW REPEAL HEADS TOGOVERNOR FOR SIGNING According to a report by ABATE ofFlorida,Transportation Bill HB1911 has passed the legislature and is on thewayto Governor Jeb Bush for signing. HB1911 states that persons of 21 yrsofage may ride without a helmet providing they carry $10,000 inmedicalinsurance benefits for injuries incurred as a result of a crash whileoperating or riding on a motorcycle. AMERICAN IRON MAGAZINE TAKES ON ANEW LOOK– Tastes great, more filling! American Iron’s cool new look islong overdue and very welcome. Creative Director Charles Queener’s revampis easy on the eyes, making full use of desktop tricks without OD’ing ondigital excess–John Siebenthaler of Siebenthaler Creative Services (727)397-5087. AMA SEEKS BAN ON NAMING HWYS AFTER TRAFFIC OFFENDERSThe AMA is calling for legislation that wouldban the naming of highwaysafter serious traffic offenders. Theinitiative is in response to thetraffic death of AMA member TerryBarnard and subsequent naming of a roadwayafter the man who caused hisdeath, the late Tennessee state Sen. CarlKoella. CHINESE PROVERBS– Virginity like bubble, one prick allgone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car getexhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. UPCOMINGEVENTS–The following listing was stolen from a reputable source, butif you have events coming up, big or small send them tobandit@bikernet.com. I’ll either show up and make a mess of a perfectlygood event, or list it for you. 1. Hell’s Angel Kickoff – Wed. May. 17New York, NY 2. Thunder in the Forge – Fri. May. 19 Old Forge, NY 3.Biker Days in the Osage – Fri. May. 19 Pawhuska, OK 4. Silver AuctionsPresents the Myrtle Beach Motorcycle Auction – Fri.May. 19 Myrtle Beach,SC 5. Freedom Weekend – Fri. May. 19 Shellsville, PA 6. Harleys & HotRods – Sat. May. 20 Pataskala, OH 7. Park Lawn’s 3rd Annual CharityMotorcycle Run – Sun. May. 21 OakLawn, IL 8. Multiple SclerosisMotorcycle Ride – Sun. May. 21 Camarillo, CA 9. 7th Annual Spring ThingMotorcycle Trivia & Road Run – Sun. May. 21Southfields, NY 10. MotorcycleRights Rally – Mon. May. 22 Harrisburg, PA NEW CHOPPERBAR FROM HILL PRODUCTS–It’s the newCHOPPERBAR from Hill products. A mild apehanger in a completely differentform. Hell, Mr. Hill even designed them to be 31-inches wide to fit in yourgirlfriend’s apartment. They come with slots for wiring, and they’re thestrongest bar on the market. Sure, they’re bizarre, but you can order thesepuppies in three different configurations. In fact, we used Mr. Hill’s barsto do a tech on handlebar installation so to be posted on Bikernet. That’senough hype, here’s his Web site address:www.hillproducts.com. STRANGE BUT TRUE– Winston Churchill wasborn in a ladies’ room during a dance. Maine is the only state that isonly one syllable. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de NuestraSenora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula” -and can be abbreviatedto 3.63% of its size: “L.A” A cat has 32 muscles in eachear. STURGIS 2000 BIKERNET CHOP-OFF COMPETITION EXPOSED–By Zebra.As with any builder project, there are always hurdles to overcome.Although generally those hurdles present themselves in the form of fit andfunction, rather than the actual builders themselves. Such is the casewith the Bikernet Chop-off 2000. First Jesse James at West Coast Choppersasked to tear down the Bandit II and build a rigid “West Coast Choppers”bike out of it to promote his new chopper chassis. Bandit agreed and Jesseimmediately tore apart his motorcycle. Based on this, we went to BillyLane at Choppers Inc., and asked if he’d be interested in taking on theopposing bike, mine, and build a chopper to compete with Bandit’s. Billyenthusiastically agreed and we began shipping engines, trannys, etc. Thebig motivation for the two small custom shops was of course, the publicitythey would receive as Bandit and I wrote from and about their creations androde them all over the country. They were interested in the massivereadership of Bikernet, now running around thirty and a half million visitsannually and growing. Bandit and I were willing to give the young buildersthis promotional value (as a professional advertising creative directorwith clients like Coke and Mercedes, I can tell you the cost to buyequivalent advertising space would run into the low millions due to theshelf life of the articles and extensive page length and exposures). We did this to help promote some young builders. The project was in fullswing, I’d spent a day at Choppers Inc. crafting the first tech article andshooting pictures and interviewing the people there. Then, after tearingBandit’s bike apart, Jesse James walked off the project, citing a need towork on other bikes, leaving Bandit hanging with a basket case that wasmissing a good amount of its parts, and destroyed sheet metal. Inresponse, Billy Lane decided that without competition from West CoastChoppers and the residual publicity that he couldn?t rightfully carry onwith my bike either. Like Bandit always says, “Time will tell and shitwill smell. “So, Bandit had what had previously been a working custommotorcycle lying in a pile, with a lot of stuff missing and I had an engineand tranny on the opposite side of the country from the Bikernet garage.Finally we decided to cut the bullshit. Bandit didn’t dothree volunteertours in Vietnam on a heavy cruiser and run 14 magazines for three decades,and I didn’t ride bulls for a living for thirteen years without learning athing or two about fighting until you get the damned job done. Disgusted at the lack of commitment to finish what they started by ourtwo builders, Bandit the Bikernet crew decided to take matters into our ownhands (which is generally the best place for them) and build ourmotorcycles ourselves. It took five weeks to get the parts back fromChoppers Inc. Bandit is still trying to recover some of his parts fromWest Coast Choppers. Are we disgusted with these two small chopperbuilders? You bet. Bikernet works hard to bring to our readers onlytop-shelf companies and when one performs below what we consider to beBikernet standards, you’ll hear about it. It is my opinion that both ofthese companies have fallen way short. We’re changing the direction ofChop-off 2000. The competition angle has been eliminated and replaced by abro-to-bro, shoulder-to-shoulder wrench fest. Bandit and I tease eachother a lot on the Web site, but there isn’t another man I’d rather ridewith or want backing me up in a jam. While we’re damned low on time andstill trying to recover property, we’ve decided to get together two runningchoppers and ride them proudly to Sturgis. With Wrench, Nuutboy andRenegade at our sides, we’ve called in all our heavy clients, folks likeRevTech, Weerd Bros. and Custom Chrome, Baker, Paughco Frames, Headwinds,Harley Davidson, and put them abreast of our situation and we’re receivingoutstanding support as always. Our new goal for the Chop-off 2000, to raceto Sturgis, with back tire fires and heads full of fresh Jack on ourcustom, hand built machines. Bandit and I are going back to our roots,building our own scoots, with our own hands, the way we like them, fast andsimple, no bullshit, no backing out. These will be independence choppers,American style, no bullshit politics, attitude, downtime and loss of parts.We just want to ride. As for the vote to see which chopper the world ofbikers like best? I’ll still kick Bandit’s sorry ass from here to Lead andback, I’ll have his woman, his whiskey and he’ll have a view of my backtire all the way. For the first tech article on my Bandit crushing monster,see the new Chop-off 2000 link. May the best badass win. See you inSturgis. Saddle up and ride. EASYRIDERS SUBSCRIBER SPEAKS–I’m asubscriber to Easyriders magazine and I don’t know what the fuck happened,but Bandit disappeared from the rag. I can’t find his name listedanywhere. At first I thought he took a little R&R down to some Mexicanbeach. But he never reappeared in the rag. Did he get pissed off and hitthe road or what? Bandit I relate to you ridin’ writin’ better thananyones. You tell it like it is without all the sugar coatin’. Seems likeI lost a brother since you disappeared from the rag. Let me know where youare and I’ll be sure to support you. I’ve been readin’ your words inEasyriders since I got my first pimple. That was a fuckin’ long time ago!Take care and ride free and safe. Oh yeah, as always this site is righteousand packed full of useful shit. Hey, I’m right here, doin’ what Ilove best, ridin’, buildin’, writin’ and lovin’. Life is good, Bandit. FIRST CANADIAN DRAGFEST–First Canadian Dragfest in Sanair,Quebec, Canada June 1-2-3-4, 2000 (www.dragfest.com) June 01…to bedetermined. June 02Drag motorcycle time trial AMA ProstarHot rod/ Musclecar day. Sound system competition Automobile elegance show. Liveentertainment June 03″Big Daddy Rat’s” Rat’s Hole custom choppercompetition. Drag motorcycle Qualification AMA ProstarGM/ Corvette day.Automobile elegance show and Miss Dragfest contest. Special Event Liveentertainment June 04, Drag race finals, Ratshole Custom choppercompetition finals. John Scottie’s Dealership Ferrari & Lamborghini ExoticCar Show. DEEP THOUGHTS I think men who have a pierced ear arebetter prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.–Rita Rudner I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. SoI grew hair under my arms instead. –Sue Kolinsky I went into aMcDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at thecounter said, “Would you like some fries with that?” –JayLeno BANDIT’S BEDROLL TESTIMONIAL–I bought yer Day-Roll andBed-Roll. I have to say, these are both waaaaay-cool!! Last week I noticedsomething similar to the Day-Roll at my local H-D genuine dealership –twice the price and half the functionality — none of these other rollshave ever been road tested. I especially like the placement of the zipperson the sides–somebody really did think about what they were doinghere–unusual. “Anyhow, people have been asking me about the Day-Roll so Iwill be doing a product review for our newsletter. Two thumbs up! Gary”Blues” Hayes Iron Souls Motorcycle Club, Oakland, CA BIKERCLARIFICATIONS–Ex-Sportster riders are like ex-alcoholics. “Hi, myname is Bob and I once owned a XLH. I’ve been clean for ten years now…OneOil change at a time. Harley is in a league with the trilateralcommission and the United Nations to subjugate us all. They are usingmarketing and black helicopters to artificially inflate the prices of thebikes we have a God-given constitutional right to. It will leave us weakand economically defenseless from their blue helmeted coming oppression.WAKE UP! You head-up-your-ass credulous fools! DON CENTER BUILDSTRIKES–A Texas builder with a penchant for building ’em big builtseveral Borget bikes over the last several years and is one of Roger’sbiggest dealers. But recently, he ran into several brothers who can nolonger ride two-wheelers. He went to work and created this monster and isnow taking orders. “I’ve seen tears come to guys’ eyes when they think they canride again,” Don said to me recently. They’re light, and faster than holyhell. Watch for a tech on Don’s trike, coming shortly. DID YOUKNOW?–It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. IRONWORKSRETRO FUTURAMA–I hate to admit it, but Editor Dennis Stemp hit one outof the park with his twin-carb project Knucklehead bobster, the “Flyin’Fossil”. During the construction of this magazine project bike, it wastouched by virtually everyone in the industry. The attention paid to fitand finish is perfection. Wait’ll they get a load of this one down at theold biker’s rest home and social hall. –John Siebenthaler CreativeServices. GRANDMA SPEAKS–Dear Mr. Bandito, I am a grandmotherwith 24 grand children and I had your site forwarded to me recently by myrotarian club. I was shocked and appalled by the blatant references tosexual misconduct and immorality on your Web site, as well as obviousreferences to excessive alcohol consumption and illegal narcotics use. Youclearly are responsible for all those young gangbangers out there who goastray. I hate to think of what it must be like for your neighbors, whoare forced, according to the goodly Zebra, to watch you “stand naked on thefront steps of Casa El Horsepower and scratch your erect prod in themorning sun.” I may be an old woman, but I know what a “prod” is and I cantell you, the front porch is no place for such an implement of secrecy.You are a winged angel of black morality and should be dipped in scaldingoil and flogged relentlessly until you turn from your deviant ways. Pleasetake down this revolting and socially disruptive Web site at once and headfor your nearest church for a thorough confession- an event, which I wouldimagine could take several days. I will collapse upon bended knee and prayfor your lost soul and light a candle each day for you as I slip aboutnaked on microwaved applesauce with old man Bigsby next door. Burn, baby,burn, Mrs. Emma Luginsland HAMSTER ALERT, THERE’S A LEAK IN THEINFORMATION FAUCET–I have a frickin’ migraine headache. Still fromyesterday. Owwwwiiiieee! But at least I get an E for effort that I’msittin’ at this computer. The weekend was good, went riding on Fridaynight and then down to the Joint, place was packed, bikes everywhere for ablock and a half. Doesn’t get much better than that. So did Joy fromSpearfish call you back about your room for Sturgis 2000? Go figure. Tryagain, ask for Joy or her assistant that is handling bike week. If youhave a problem getting to her let me know and I’ll give it a whirl too.Did you have a nice weekend? Did ya ride? Looks like Cooney is stillhaving a problem getting the guys to commit to Del Mar. I told him theynever commit that far out (6 months)! They only plan in advance forSturgis. Well I gotta get back to work! Have a spectacular day!Sgt. Patty SHIT I’M GLAD SOMEONE ELSE SAID–Change is inevitable, exceptfrom a vending machine. I took an IQ test and the results werenegative. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. I know whatyou’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. THEESCAPE HATCH–All right, so there’s a fist full of unrelenting bullshitfor one week. Now it’s time to get out in the sun, feel the wind whistlingthrough spokes and well, we’ll see what happens next. Agent Zebra’s bikewill be wired and ready for a test ride in the next 10 days. I came downfrom the mountain just in time to meet the UPS truck and get back into thegarage. Some years ago I started a book on veteran club members withphotography by Mike Lichter. We’ve decided to pull out all the stops andfinish it this year. It will contain 30 profiles with top-notch black andwhite photography. We are creating anextensive e-mail list and will be sending out notices whenever our esteemedwebmaster, Dr. Dewey, decides that it’s in his best interest to grace uswith posting more material. Don’t forget to go into the registration areaand sign up. I don’t know, from busted bolts and parts that don’t fit,but trying to build a couple of bikes by Sturgis is keeping my ass out ofthe streets at least on Tuesday and Thursday nights. But tonight is still afull moon, and she’s whispering in my ear that it’s time to tempt the slickdew on the bridge leading to the other side of town. So my weakness calls,I must ride. Oh, Orwell will be published in the next month. Thank themaster of Chrome, the devil of screeching steel, and the mother of velocitystacks. Let’s ride.–Bandit
