Continued From Page 2

WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO?–It was the first day of school in Houston, and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”

The next little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

Then one little boy said: “My name is Jimmy, and my father is a strip tease dancer in a cabaret for gay men.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his Dad danced nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, “No ma’am. Truth is, my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

BIKERNET HEALTH DEPARTMENT STUDIES:– Number of physicians in the United States: 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 700. (1999)

Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000094

Statistically, doctors are approximately 18,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

“FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor.”

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a Public Health Measure, I have withheld the statistic on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

Coolest Tattoo Of The Week–

Brady

BIKERNET SEXUAL EXPOSE–While Biker Bandit goes on a trip to China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Bandit to return in two days for the results. Bandit returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

#%$&* says Bandit. “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

Bandit screams #$%&*!, “Absolutely not! You #$%&*. I want a second opinion!” The doctors replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, Bandit seeks his All-Knowing-Trusted Sifu, figuring that he’llknow more about the disease. His Sifu examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

Bandit says to his Sifu, “Yes my Honorable Master I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The All-Knowing Sifu shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!”

“Oh, thank God!” Bandit replies.

“Yes,” says his Sifu, “you no worry! You build me a Road King and wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself.”

BIKERNET FRIENDLY FIRE–Jim Houck, aka Wildman Agent Zebra, established the name of this column to house inarticulate ramblings and hateful e-mails between staff members. It’s killer reading if you have a minute. Here?s an example:

To Sin from Nuttboy: I’m a mess. My back has been thrown out, throbbing with pain,stabbing bolts of agony. Probably due to too much time on the computer (youknow how long it takes to download that porn stuff).

Anyway, I’m miserableand stuck at home. I’m working on the Thursday News, if you need it. Letme knowwhat I can do to help, recognizing that I’m about as useful as that wad ofgum stuck under one of the seats at the local movie theater.

Give me a callif you like the sound of continuous whining.

Have a history teacher explain this–If they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named “Ford.”
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln.’

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Take This Job And Shove It–

Memo To all Employees

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, weareforced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, olderemployees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting theretention of younger people who represent our future.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the currentfiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employeeswho are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside thecompany.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records beforeactual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey ofCapabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal withupper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,SCREWEDtwice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled toget:HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who hasreceived HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on boardthatthe company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If anyemployee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see yourimmediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all theSHITyou can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Victory Motorcycles Generates Additional
Momentum at Daytona Bike Week 2002–Victory Motorcycles made a winning impression on hundreds of new riders andenhanced the riding experience of current Victory owners withcompany-sponsored activities at Daytona Bike Week 2002 in Daytona Beach,Fla. One highlight was the first-ever Victory Riders Association (VRA)Victory Ride as Victory owners enjoyed a group ride that led to Bethune Parkin Daytona Beach where they enjoyed a free lunch and the chance to make newfriends.

“It was our best Bike Week ever. We had a great turnout for the VictoryRide, lots of interest at the demo rides-which were booked full all week-andwe generated a lot of valuable exposure for the bikes and the Victorybrand,” said Victory General Manager Mark Blackwell.

VRA members met at Seminole Power Sports, the Victory dealer in Longwood,Fla., on the morning of March 6 for the first Victory Ride.It was the fourth annual Victory owners ride at Daytona Bike Week, and wasthe first VRA group ride held since the owners group was launched in late2001.

Dozens of Victory?s powered their way along scenic country roads beforestopping at Bethune Park for a sumptuous lunch and the chance to getacquainted with VRA members from across North America. License plates on VRAmembers’ bikes showed they had trekked to Daytona from as far away asCanada, California, Texas, Arkansas, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Maine, New York,and several other states both near and far.

The riders especially enjoyed the chance to meet Arlen Ness and CoryNess, the father-son team of master custom bike builders that suppliesVictory with custom accessories and consults Victory on future modeldevelopment. The Nesses took time from their newly opened Arlen NessMotorcycles store on Beach Street in Daytona to enjoy lunch with VRAmembers, pose for pictures, and sign autographs.

For more information on Victory Motorcycles, including a dealer locator,visit the Victory Web site at: www.victory-usa.com. A dealer locator serviceis also offered toll-free at 1-800-POLARIS.

Victory Motorcycles is a division of Polaris Industries Inc. Informationabout the complete line of Polaris products is available from authorizedPolaris dealers or from the Polaris home page at www.polarisindustries.com.

“The Old Marine Colonel:–A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown,hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies inattendance,one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Areyouthis way all the time, or is something bothering you?”

“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It lookslikeyou have seen a lot of action.”

The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “Youknow, you should lighten up a little – relax and enjoy yourself.”

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this thewrongway, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quittakingeverything so seriously – I mean, no sex since 1955, isn’t that a littleextreme?”

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,”Oh, Idon’t know.

……….. It’s only 2130 now!”

Continued On Page 4

I will also begin a series of articles on Pat Kennedy?s new shop, his product line and build up of one of his bikes. These articles will also be published in HORSE magazine.

In addition, I just sent my report of violence and mayhem on the ship in Japan. Hopefully the board of directors will see fit to publish these world reports post haste, so that you will be up to date.

Whether the executive committee and racy ad hoc committee agrees or not, I?m about to write another drama for Bandit?s Cantina Soap Opera. I know there?s more, but we better get to the news before I get in trouble and am placed in irons again. Where?s my fuckin? bowl of rice?

PRESS STATEMENT FROM TRIUMPH MOTORCYCLES LIMITED– Triumph Motorcycles says distribution of the Triumph range of motorcycles, parts and accessories and their warranty service will continue following a fire that affected part of one of their U.K. manufacturing facilities.

Karl Wharton, managing director of the Hinckley-based motorcycle manufacturer, says that work on rebuilding a section of their Jacknell Road production facility is due to start to later this week.

“The fire, which was confined to a section of the assembly area, was quickly brought under control and has only affected certain areas at one of our four production and distribution centers in Hinckley. No-one was hurt and all of our 650 U.K. staff are being informed that their jobs are secure,” Wharton said.

“It will have no immediate impact on motorcycles ready for distribution held in our network of bike stores in the U.K., Europe, the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and other countries,” he added.

Many staff have been working throughout the weekend with the Triumph management team, preparing for Monday’s clean-up and contacting the company’s worldwide dealer network to inform them that they can order parts and accessories online as usual.

“Stocks of spare parts and most ranges of bikes are available to meet immediate requirements in the U.K. It is also the company’s policy to hold stocks of bikes at other distribution centers in Europe and the United States,” Wharton said.

The preliminary investigation suggests normal manufacturing operation in the effected areas will recommence within four months.

“Over the past three years Triumph has significantly expanded their manufacturing facilities in the U.K. to meet growing demand. This specific incident will not hinder the on-going success of Triumph,” Wharton said.

ROYAL BOOST AS U.K. MOTORCYCLE COMPANY TRIUMPHS OVER ADVERSITY – Issued 26th March 2002–His Royal Highness the Duke of York has given Britain’s only motorcycle manufacturer a huge boost as the company triumphs over adversity.

Within hours of learning about a fire at one of Triumph Motorcycles’ production facilities, the Duke of York, who is special representative for international trade and investment, rearranged his schedule to make a goodwill visit to the company as reconstruction work gets under way in Hinckley.

Accompanied by the lord lieutenant of Leicestershire, Timothy Brooks, His Royal Highness donned a hard hat, toured effected areas, talked to staff and heard about the company’s plans for a rapid recovery.

After the tour, the Duke of York said he was delighted to hear that work was about to start on rebuilding the factory, and predicted that the great British institution would come back stronger than ever.

“This is a great British company that has been a leader in its field for many years. I wanted to let them know how important they are to the U.K. economy,” he said.

And he told staff: “As Britain’s only motorcycle manufacturers, you have a big part to play in the market place. Triumph is going to rebuild and that is good news for the industry and for British engineering.”

The Duke of York was shown around the factory by Karl Wharton, managing director of Triumph Motorcycles, who said: “The Duke’s visit was a real boost for Triumph and everyone involved in helping to rebuild the company. Construction is soon to start and we are optimistic that production will be back to normal before the end of the summer.

“It is very important for all our customers and dealers and staff to know that there is so much support for Triumph,” he said.

The Duke of York’s activities in his new role are in support of British Trade International (BTI), the government body set up to support U.K. countries trading internationally and encourage foreign investment.

Triumph, which manufactures more than 33,000 motorcycles in Britain a year, supplies bikes, parts and accessories to over 25 different countries, including those in western Europe, the United States, Canada, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates and several markets in Latin America.

As 80 percent of the company’s production is for export, Triumph has reassured its 800-dealer network across the world that the fire will have no immediate impact on its overseas business.

“Distribution of the Triumph range of motorcycles, parts and accessories, and our warranty service, will continue as the company prepares to work round the clock to ensure that motorcycles roll off the new assembly line by late August,” Wharton said.

BIKERNET CARIBBEAN REPORT–This week is kinda bittersweet; we have been so busy it’s not evenfunny, we’ve done a couple projects but have a lot more on the list. Our?save the Sporty? project is finally done. Remember, we kept this project on abudget (under $3,000), andwe did a lot to the bike for this money. It took a bit of imagination andelbow grease, and the owner is very happy with the results (me too) and that?swhat’s important.

Our lime green WCC chopper is finally heading towardhome. I guess Kevin got tired of riding all over PR, and I mean all over,and he?s boarding a plane back to Massachusetts. The bike will follow soon.

I’m sorry to report that our friend and customer Papote was hit by a carlast Thursday and lost his lower left leg. This is very sad to us; he is agood friend and a rival in our sailing regattas. The dumbfuck who hit himdecided that he was losing too much “valuable? time by waiting for a car topark so he invaded the oncoming lane. He hit the bike on the side andripped a good part of it.

To top it off, this fucker tried to flee but a flat tire prevented his escape and, get this, his whole family was in the car! What a fuckin? beast! He deserves the beating of his life. Lucky (sortof) for our friend he was being followed by a doctor friend, who saved hislife. We know he will get better and we will still battle the winds.

Wewish you the best Papote!

Since we have nothing to do…… like the “other? shops, AKA Weasels, wedecided to take another project for the Horse. We are building a chopperwith stuff that we have lying around the shop (take offs and such). We aregoing to tackle this during our Easter break. I guess this is something toget our minds off work and see what we can do with a few partsand spray paint.

If we do finish (which I doubt) by next week, I’ll post some photos. Anyway,we will have fun with it for sure.

There are reports of Sunday’s ride with HOG. This was an open event, allV-Twins (non HOG). Those who went tell me that around 300 bikes showedup for the party Saturday night and the ride Sunday through the CentralMountain range. That’s a fun ride but I would not do it with 299 otherbikes. Ten or so of our friends would be nicer. Too bad they consider me theanti-Christ; 20 or so of our choppers would have looked good among thesea of “customized” stockers…..Oh well…

Next week the Harley BBQ will take place and we will show up in fullforce. It’s a pretty cool event, full blast chow from Longhorn and all theCoke you can drink for five bucks. So if you arereading this Rub’s, the anti-Christ crew will show up……Sheesh..

OK, so here’s a question that you can answer here or at our e-mail — Jose@chopperFreak.com — We are planning on an event in PuertoRico. Would you like to come down and ride during December? Thewheels are already turning. I can’t say much ’cause I know the”competition” reads this every week, but imagine yourself riding in warmweather with the ocean to your right and then partying all night in SanJuan. Cool eh? We?ll leave it at that.

See ya’ guys next week. Keep an eye out for The Horse #23 issue, there’s oneof our bikes there. Let me know how you like it.

Saludos

Jose………Bikernet Caribbean – anti-Christ.

BEACH RIDE PROMOTES ART SHOW–The Beach Ride is a charity event in Los Angeles every summer for the last 11 years. It will be held in the park in Ventura again this year after difficult negotiations with the parks commission.

The ride was developed to raise funds for the Exceptional Children?s Foundation based in L.A. The following is information on an upcoming art show. If you?re in the area, check it out and support the kids.

View exceptional artwork by extraordinary artists withdevelopmental disabilities. Select from hundreds of drawingsand paintings, ceramics and textiles. Meet featured artist ArthurAndrews. Watch him paint. Enjoy complimentary hors d?oeuvres.Plus, a celebrity appearance is anticipated. All proceeds benefitECF and the artists themselves.Founded in 1968, the ECF Art Center is a nationally recognized,community-based art center that offers developmentally disabledadults a nurturing environment, professional art training andstudio facilities.

Thursday, April 25, 2002 < 69 pm
Aaron Brothers Art & Framing? in Encino
17230 Ventura Boulevard ? In the Encino Town Center
Between Balboa Ave. and Louise Ave.

Subject: FW: Fred–A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than theposted speed limit.

Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides to givethe poor fellow a break and write him out a warninginstead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

” Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the mantells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officerthinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

Theman replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I wasborn Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kidsused to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself.I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older Irealized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went throughcollege, medical school, internship, residency, finallygot my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decidedto go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got allthe way through school, got my degree so I was nowFred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling aroundwith my assistant.She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADAfound out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MDwith VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away myDDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as FredDingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m justFred.”

The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up theWarning Ticket.

–From the Dunns

Continued On Page 2

THE AIM/NCOM MOTORCYCLE E-NEWS SERVICE is brought to you by Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (A.I.M.) and the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM), and is sponsored by the Law Offices of Richard M. Lester. For more information, call us at 1-(800) ON-A-BIKE. Visit us on our website at

From TheGUNNY’S SACK

During the month of February, ABATE of Oregon has an annual training meeting called STEAM (Seminars To Educate And Motivate). I mention it in this issue because this year it was a very special one. We were honored to host Simon Milward, the former Secretary General of the Federation of European Motorcyclists Association, FEMA.

Simon, incidently, a long time friend of mine, is on a world tour on a one-cylinder, hand-made motorcycle raising funds for two medical charities. One provides motorcycles for getting medical personnel and supplies into remote areas. The other is in support of doctors working in remote areas of the world. All proceeds he raises go directly to these missions. He is bearing ALL his own trip expenses, using his life savings for the adventure. Needless to say, he’s quite a guy.

He presented and narrated a pictorial story of the trip so far for us. He plans to travel to South America on the next leg and then on to Africa and home. He’s been on the road for two years now, and has traveled all across Europe, Asia, and up through eastern Russia as well as around the U.S. and into Canada.

We wish him well and hope he manages to limit the falls off his ride for the rest of the trip. From his talk I’d guess he will be known as “Upside Down Simon” after he gets home. Seems he has a problem staying on TOP of the bike a great deal of the time. His presentation made many of us jealous of his adventure and it was a real treat.

Away from Simon to remind all you brothers and sisters out there RIDING TIME IS UPON US now, so it?s time to get the “Johnnies come lately” among us busy getting the ride and the rider ready for the onslaught of the cages during this riding season. Get the ride tuned, tired, inspected, and ready for the road.

If you haven’t taken a riding course in a few years or more, it won’t hurt to check one out. What you learn can save your life. I’ve only been riding a little over fifty years and I find the courses handy for me. A refresher course is cheaper than chrome or a hospital bill.

NEWS BITS’N PIECES:

Bike Seizure in EUGENE, OREGON: This is a comfy, liberal college and lumber town two hours south of Portland. So you’d THINK the police were laid back. ‘Fraid not. EVERY February, the Free Souls Motorcycle Club has their anniversary party, and nearly every year, the police buzz all over the area, day and night. This year, our Oregon Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (AIM) Attorney, Sam Hochberg, went down to check it out. He saw more than Eugene cops: There were police from Springfield, Junction City, the Sheriff, the Oregon State Police, and a whole lot of unmarked cars. You’d think the Free Souls were working with Osama bin-goddamned- Laden! I’ve been to this party too, and have seen the same shameful behavior. So, this year, Sam ran into one small thing that may help turn it around.

A biker (NOT a patch holder) was leaving the party, and like almost every biker who has to run the police gauntlet, was stopped. Cops looked at his bike, said something about the ID numbers on the bike not “matching.” The biker told him OF COURSE they wouldn’t match; it?s titled as a RECONSTRUCTED bike ? and in Oregon, that means that the DMV inspected it!! Not good enough. The bike was seized.

And not just seized to look at ? this happened on Feb. 9th, and at this writing, over a MONTH later, the bike is STILL not released. Sam and his new associate, LEAH JOHNSON, put together a Motion for the Return of Seized Property. It’s filed in the Circuit Court for Lane County. Sam says, the burden is on the COPS to prove a legit reason to hang onto it. We’ll keep you posted here in the Sack, as things move along in this case.

STATE COLLEGE, PENN: The AP wire tells us this story of a biker, Kevin Dare. This fellow was a natural athlete who loved the thrill of pole vaulting — and of riding his motorcycle more than 100 mph.

This well-loved athlete was mourned recently by fellow athletes. He lost his life NOT on a motorcycle but during his track event, the POLE VAULT, at the Big Ten men’s track and field indoor championships.

He apparently missed his run and fell, landing head first on the steel “box,” an 8-inch-deep groove in the mat where vaulters plant the pole to lift themselves off the ground. He was pronounced dead, of head injuries, at the hospital a short time later. I guess y’just never know what’s gonna get ya.

BRAZIL: WHOA! We’ve heard about all the millions of bikes built every year in China, but look at what Sam Hochberg, our Oregon A.I.M. attorney dug up on the net:

In a story from South American Business Information, these guys report that from 1993 to 2001, motorcycle sales in Brazil have gone up TENFOLD! Man oh man. And would you believe 90% of the bikes sold there are Hondas?

In 2001 alone there were 692,000 units sold. According to Abraciclo, in 2002 the motorcycle market will reach 780,000 units a year. WOW! And I thought China was the growth giant in the world.

NIGERIA: Taxi drivers can be a wild bunch. Our Oregon A.I.M. Attorney, Sam Hochberg, used to push those big Checkers around NYC for some years, back before he got to lawyering. Put a few shots of Tequila in him, and he?ll tell you a story or two! But here’s another taxi story from Africa. Seems that the commercial motorcycle taxi operators we’ve told you about before here in the Sack — the “Okada” guys — went on a riot in Nigeria, over a spat with the police there. It’s all really political, but it’s of interest to ME because this is a group of BIKERS who are their OWN distinct political force in their country. I’m not endorsing riots, but these folks are people to be reckoned with. Maybe we could take a lesson?

The police there arrested 168 Okada drivers over their violent demonstrations. They also confiscated 194 motorcycles! It?s said the riot was caused by the killing of an Okada driver by police. (That’s not a good reason to be pissed?)

The lesson I see is DON’T RIOT if ya wanta keep yur scoot and don’t piss off Nigerian cops if ya like breathin.

HANOI, VIETNAM: Reuters tells us about Honda being accused of using too many Chinese parts in a new inexpensive model called The Wave Alpha. It’s sold in Vietnam to compete with the cheaper Chinese imitation ride. Honda has denied the allegations. The Wave has only about 4% Chinese parts, says Honda. This thing sells for less than $800.00 American money.

There are more than 8 million motorcycles on the roads of Vietnam and 1.8 million were sold last year alone. Man, that’s nearly 3,000 bikes a day.

SAMSULA, FLA: Mike Schneider of the Associated Press comes up with this jewel. It seems there is a couple in this area who love bikers and are nudists as well. They also own several acres of land so they thought a nudist camp-out for bikers on their property would be a good idea.

So, about fifty guests responded to a sign on their fence that said “Private Party, Nudity,” and to an ad in the Florida Bikers Digest that said “Camping Party and Adult Biker Games.” Do you think bikers responded? You Betcha!

Too bad authorities and neighbors didn’t approve. They were told to cease and desist or face a one thousand dollar fine. Cops said it wasn’t the nudity but a land use issue. HAH!

The property owner said all he wants to do is be able to host his parties during Bike Week and Biketoberfest ? Daytona’s sister motorcycle event in October ? and he doesn’t want to give bikers a bad name. He also didn’t want the Southern Baptists there to be able to seize on something to get him in trouble, but he said “In their eyes, we’re already heathens.”

I’d probably go to that party but I think I’d wear clothes to keep from scaring people away.

GUNNY AGAIN: Did you procrastinate about the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM) Convention? Hurry, you might get lucky and still be able to get a reservation. I’ll look for you there. Call 1-800-ON-A-BIKE (or 800-531-2424) for more information and pre-registration.

The NCOM Convention and other services are paid for by A.I.M. Attorneys across the country when they send a hefty chunk of their fees to Richard M. Lester, the lawyer who founded A.I.M. (the free Aid to Injured Motorcyclists program), and NCOM, the National Coalition of Motorcyclists, free to motorcycle groups and clubs. If you happen to have an accident, you can reach your local A.I.M. Attorney by calling (800) ON-A-BIKE, 24/7. Your initial consultation is free, and nobody makes a penny on your case unless you do.

Keep the round side on the bottom.
Gunny, Oregon A.I.M. Chief of Staff

WEB BROWSER ESPOUSES FREEDOM OF CHOICE In a venue that measures Hits instead of Nielson Ratings, Netscape’s Home Page (www.netscape.com) ranks among the most popular sites for web surfers, with lots of news, links, shopping and cool stuff like their Autos Page where Internet users can buy and sell new or used vehicles, and even secure financing and insurance.

A recent “Feature Article” on Netscape’s Autos Page gave visitors a refreshing look at personal freedoms in America, with particular attention to seatbelt laws and helmet laws.

Written by Eric Peters, “Seatbelt & Helmet Laws: It?s Your Life” reached out to millions of people with the very same message that bikers rights groups have been trying to purvey to the public, but with the lightning speed of the Internet.

The article begins; “Whether it’s prudent to wear a seatbelt or put on a helmet (if you ride motorcycles) is entirely beside the point–at least as regards laws that make the use of these things compulsory. Of course wearing a seatbelt or a helmet is ‘safer.’ But so is maintaining ideal body weight or exercising regularly. Yet there are no laws (as yet) requiring you to eat your broccoli or do sit-ups every other day. The police do not carry pincers to measure your body fat ratio and have no authority (yet) to give you tickets for exceeding the ‘healthful’ poundage. Why is that? After all, if the justification for seatbelt and helmet laws is that they’re for your own good, the same argument can be made about such things as dietary habits and exercise. Ditto other personal choices, such as the type of recreational sports or other activities you may be involved in. Where do we draw the line–and on what basis?”

Peters continues, “things like seatbelt laws and helmet laws are, in the first place, entirely arbitrary interferences with personal choices, as distinct from behaviors, actions, or conduct that might affect others, which is another matter. Ergo, the state has no justification to intervene. If we’re going to accept as the basis for public policy the idea that it is the duty of government to involve itself in our private choices on the basis of compelling us all to do what’s ‘good’ for us (however that’s defined), then it’s pretty hard to see how to draw any line at all beyond which the self-appointed busybodies and do-gooders who use the force of government as their cudgel may not transgress.”

“I oppose seatbelt laws and helmet laws not because I won’t admit it’s safer to wear a seat belt or a helmet when riding a bike,” says the author, “Rather, I oppose such laws because a very important principle is at stake: That entirely personal choice is none of the government’s business — just as my diet, exercise habits, and other personal choices that may somewhat increase (or decrease) my exposure to risk/danger are likewise none of the government’s business, either. Or yours, for that matter.”

He concludes, “This is why the founders of the American state set forth strict limits on government — precisely enumerating what it could and could not do, and why. What made the United States so unique in world history was that it enshrined in its governing principles the idea that individuals should be left free to live their own lives as they saw fit, free of interference from those who thought they ‘knew better.’ Taking risks (or not) was part of that philosophy. We were a live and let live people — for a while. Only when an individual’s conduct or actions clearly threatened the safety or well-being of others — and thus became a public matter — did the state have cause to interfere. That distinction is what we’re losing — and it may cost us dearly. Do we want government officials inspecting our cupboards and refrigerators for ‘dangerous’ foods? Or checking our cholesterol and waistlines? No? Then seat belt laws, mandatory helmet regulations, and the like must be rescinded — no matter how much we may instinctively wish to promote our neighbor’s well-being. That’s his business — not yours. Not the government’s. Leave him alone. And hopefully, he’ll return the favor?

…Wouldn’t that be nice?”

DAYTONA BIKE WEEK IN REVIEW– Although national headlines from this year’s Bike Week highlighted the fact that nine people died during the 10-day motorcycle festival, insinuating that the repeal of Florida’s helmet law may have played a part in those deaths, they failed to mention that a record 15 people died during Bike Week 2000, which was the last year under a mandatory helmet law.

Last year, only six people lost their lives in the first Daytona Bike Week without a helmet requirement.

Now in its 61st year, Bike Week draws an estimated 500,000 bikers to Florida for an annual celebration of motorcycles, and along with Biketoberfest, it provides a $744 million boost to the local economy — almost half the $1.6 billion impact to the area from all special events.

In other Daytona Beach news, Karl “Big Daddy Rat” Smith died of a heart attack on Monday of Bike Week while making final preparations for that weekend?s Rat’s Hole Custom Chopper Show, in which he was to receive an award for his contributions to the motorcycle world.

At 74 and despite recent ill health, Smith still was involved in producing the custom-bike shows that brought him international attention. Big Daddy Rat first visited Bike Week in 1963, and started in business on Main Street in a 12-by-16-foot shop aptly named The Rat’s Hole. His business grew to include seven shops in Daytona Beach and a gift shop in Las Vegas.

NORTH FLORIDA COC PROTESTS DAYTONA?S “COLORLESS” BARS– Although most of the bars and saloons in Daytona Beach bar bikers from wearing club patches, hundreds of bikers from various motorcycle clubs wore their “colors” for a Saturday afternoon get together during Bike Week at Daytona Nites in Ormond-By-The-Sea to share some conversation, laughter and a few beers.

“It looked like a high school reunion in black leather,” noted the local newspaper, The Daytona Beach News-Journal.

For years, even the most biker-friendly bars in town, such as the Boot Hill Saloon on Main Street, have not allowed riders to wear anything that represents their membership in a motorcycle club. Even the owners of the Iron Horse Saloon and the Broken Spoke Saloon, two of the most popular biker bars along U.S. 1, choose to remain colorless.

But this does not suit the North Florida Confederation of Clubs, the organization that sponsored the motorcycle club meeting in Ormond-by-the-Sea.

The group originated in 1999 to serve as a “national voice to protect bikers’ lifestyles and their right to ride.”

In protest against the bars and restaurants that prohibit club colors and insignia, Robert “Smitty” Smith, a longtime member of the Outlaws Motorcycle Club, president of the club’s Daytona Beach chapter and the liaison for the North Florida Confederation of Clubs, began circulating a petition that decries what the organization calls “blatant discrimination” against bikers who choose to display their club memberships.

“The rights of cyclists have been violated for years,” said Smith. “We just want a little freedom.”

BANNED BIKES MAY BE BANISHED ABROAD– “Talk about getting rid of a problem. The Baltimore City Council wants to send one of its scourges to another hemisphere,” reported The Baltimore Sun newspaper regarding the city council’s impending vote on a plan to donate seized dirt bikes to needy groups in Africa or elsewhere out of the country.

“Get them out of Baltimore and send the message that we are not going to tolerate them anymore,” said Councilman Melvin L. Stukes, who supports the proposal to ship the bikes abroad, so long as there is no cost to taxpayers. “We want them out of the city, period.”

Baltimore outlawed the use of dirt bikes two years ago after two young men died when their bikes slammed into the back of a 10,000-pound delivery truck. Police have estimated that 1,000 such bikes are in the city and have resulted in several deaths. In the past two years, they have seized 119 dirt bikes and 18 unregistered motorcycles.

Two groups based in Africa are interested in taking the dirt bikes off Baltimore’s hands. The bikes would help people in African countries where roads are not in good condition.

City Council President Sheila Dixon said the council did not want them auctioned off by the Police Department because the bikes could return to city streets.

But Stukes and Dixon were concerned about ensuring the bikes didn’t end up in the wrong hands.

“The last headline we want to see is that all … 75 bikes shipped from Baltimore have ended up in drug lords’ hands,” Stukes said.

SPEED KILLS: POLICE RELEASE DEAD MOTORCYCLIST?S SPEEDING VIDEO– A self-made video of a British motorcyclist “treating roads as a race track” two weeks before his death has been released by police in England in a bid to cut accidents.

After the 28-year-old motorcyclist died in a collision, police released his video showing him speeding and performing stunts. He would strap a video camera to the front of his machine and tape himself traveling in excess of 100mph, pulling wheelies and overtaking other vehicles on blind bends.

Cornwall Police said: “The whole manner of his riding is dangerous. It is treating roads as a race circuit but unfortunately on the roads you have vehicles coming in the opposite direction. The whole reason for releasing the video is to get the message across that this kind of driving is not clever. It is dangerous and fatal consequences can result.”

The dead rider’s girlfriend handed the tape over to the police, and made an appeal urging others to slow down in a bid to reduce the number of fatalities involving motorcycles. “I know that superbikes aren’t made to go slowly but when they see what happened here I hope that they will think about their speed and slow down. It may save a life.”

JAIL FOR BIKE RIDER CAUGHT SPEEDING BY HIS OWN VIDEO– A motorcyclist who made a video recording of himself traveling at more than 160mph has been jailed for 12 months, prosecuted on the strength of his own video after he attached the camera to his 900cc Kawasaki in order to record his exploits.

The 32-year-old U.K. rider was pulled over by officers from the Dyfed Powys Police force, who spotted the video camera and confiscated it.

A Dyfed Powys Police spokeswoman said: “He drove from Church Village near Pontypridd, on to the A470 and down towards Llandovey in mid Wales on the A40. He was stopped by officers, who took the camera away. The video showed the camera pointing out over the handlebars and you can see the speedometer. His speeds regularly topped 150mph.” The spokeswoman said the motorcyclist had attached a hydraulic device to his number plate to flick the plate away to stop police recording his registration.

In addition to a year in jail, the speeding film star is banned from driving for three years and was ordered to take an extended driving test.

WEIRD NEWS OF THE MONTH: BIKER ATTACKED FOR “RIDING TOO SLOWLY” — On the other end of the speed spectrum comes this news story of a Malaysian man who was reportedly beaten up because he was riding his motorbike too slowly.

The 52-year-old was assaulted in Penang by 20 men. He was on his way home to take his family out when he was attacked. According to The Straits Times, the Sun newspaper said he was riding his motorcycle when a car blocked his path. Three men got out of the car and told him off. They then grabbed the keys to his bike. One of them called his friends using a mobile phone and 15 men armed with sticks and knives turned up and attacked the motorcyclist. They fled when other motorists intervened.

QUOTABLE QUOTE: “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it. Ignorance may deride it. But in the end; there it is.”
WINSTON CHURCHILL (1874 – 1965)
British Prime Minister

BIKERNET BUSINESS REPORT, BRASS KNUCKLES TAILLIGHTS FROM RR CHOPPERS– I am attaching a pic of a new product R R Choppers will be releasing in the coming month as he just got back from LA with the prototype & is going forward with full production. He also does complete rolling chassis kits & complete bikes out the door for under 30K with custom sheetmetal not a bad little business for 13 months in the industry. Watch for more details here on Bikernet.

–Richard K.

BIKERNET QUESTION OF THE WEEK– We are trying to find information on Steve McQueen’s charity forchildren and have not had much luck. Panoptx is interested in becominginvolved, however the information is not readily available as far as we cansee. We thought a good biker editor (such as yourself!) might be able tohelp us. Have you heard of this?

Thanks for any help you can provide,

–Jody

Jody Krikstone
Panoptx PR
Richard French & Associates
112 E. Hargett St.
Raleigh, NC 27601
(919) 832-6300 Ext. 36
An FWV PubliCom Company

BIKERNET MYSTERY OF THE WEEK–I have been looking for big boar batteries . I have been using one of them and it went bad . I was checkin out your links but didn’t see one for Big Boar. Would you have a number or web add. you can hook me up with.

The big boar I use is a 450b with 750 cca for my stroker, so if you can help me I’d really dig it.Daytime e-mail is jhodge@apk.net or hit this one in reply and I’ll get it tonight.

Thanks alot for your help

–Jim

International Martial Arts BoxingSeminar withRICHARD BUSTILLO–a member of the Black Belt Hall of Fame – Instructor of the Year Award, the World Martial Arts Hall of Fame – Pioneer Award recipient, the Filipino Martial Arts Hall of Fame – Life Time Achievement Award winner, and Bandit’s Sifu has the distinction of being certified as a law enforcement defensive tactics instructor with the FBI, LAPD, and the LASD. Sigung Bustillo is a senior instructor of Bruce Lee’s Jeet Kune Do and a recognized 9th degree rank and Grandmaster with the fame Cacoy Doce Pares Eskrima of Cebu, PI.

His next seminar is coming right up in Honolulu. Here’s the particulars:

Saturday & Sunday, June 1 & 2, 2002
Golds Gym, (across from Advertiser Building) Honolulu, Hawaii

The hands-on training is not designed to compete against your style but will compliment all levels from beginner to advanced. He will teach more than martial art techniques. He calls his process, Jeet Kune Do. Evolve with change for a simple and practical seminar.

Under age 18 must have prior approval to attend. No spectators or video allowed. Come see why Richard Bustillo is one of the most sought after martial artist.

Jeet Kune Do Saturday Morning @ 9 A.M. to 11:30 A.M.Bruce Lee’s basic footwork, hand/foot speed to closing the gap to trapping and grappling, and training concepts to enhance the three combat ranges below.

Muay Thai/Boxing Saturday @ 1 P.M. to 3:30 PMOffense/defense/counter drills on Boxing and Muay Thai techniques. Understand knee/elbow/punch/kick techniques with Thai pads for self defense and sport.

Cacoy Doce Pares Eskrima Sunday Morning @ 9 A.M. to 11:30 A.M.Bring double stick and single stick for training drills for Pangamot (empty hand), Agaw (disarming), Dumog (grappling), and Pormas (forms).

Kali/Eskrima/Arnis Sunday Afternoon @ 1 P.M. to 3:30 P.M.Dangerous edge weapon awareness, edge weapon defense and counterdrills, standing and ground dumog against weapons,

Fee: $85.00/Pre-registration before 6/1/02$105.00/Door fee, $65.00/1 day Pre-reg., $75.00/1 day,Instructors free if 5 students enroll

contact: Sifu James Tanaka (818) 223-9363

BIKERNET REPORTS FROM THE FRONT–

Just a little tribute and demonstration of the risks and dedication of our servicemen and women. Although the world constantly breathes down their necks and takes shots at them, they deserve our support and respect daily. —

BIKERNET TRAINING HISTORY DEPARTMENT– I read the book “Russian Kettlebell Challenge”http://www.dragondoor.com/b15.html which has instructions for kettlebelllifts. Dragondoor sells kettlebells cast off the Russian molds athttp://www.dragondoor.com/p10.html but I bought an Ironhorse KB handle fromPDA because I wanted something plateloading and adjustable. The Ironhorsehandle is pictured herehttp://www.fractionalplates.com/equipment/equipment20.html

I’ve found kettlebells more difficult than dumbells for both ballisticexercises (snatch, clean, jerk) and for presses. The ballistics are harderbecause the weight flips over at the end of the motion & has to becontrolled. Presses are harder because the KB hangs behind the wrist ratherthan resting on top of your straight & locked arm. Another difference isthat high-rep snatches really knock the wind out of you, which strengthensthe lungs & heart. (Theoretically, high-rep barbell snatches would knockthe wind out of you too, but they’re too dangerous–lose it & the bar comesdown on your skull).

Another fun site is http://www.sandow.plus.com/ If you click on ArthurSaxon, there is a complete scan of his book “The Development of PhysicalPower,” which has instructions for bent presses, continentals, & all thoseother old-time lifts.

Beware of one thing; KB lifting is a lot less technical than olympiclifting, but a lot more technical than what most people do in a gym thesedays. Perfect form is important, otherwise bad injuries result. I neededto schedule a lesson with a teacher to straighten out my form–I found theinstructions in the book inadequate by themselves.

–Jon Juniman

BIKERNET ROAD ROGUE REPORT– Returning to Florida from a recent road trip by motorcycle to Texas I was running a little late so I decided to stop in The Florida Welcome Center and Rest Area on Interstate 10 just West of Pensacola.

It was slightly after midnight and I had been on the road since noon. I was tired but also wanted to call ahead and let friends know I was running late and not to wait up for me.

I had some coffee and stretched my legs a bit. When I was ready to leave, my motorcycle would not start. It turned out to be a carburetor problem that I was not going to be able to fix in the parking lot. I called my friends back and they said they would be out to get me with a trailer but it would be about three hours to get there.

I took out my emergency blanket and laid down on the ground next to the motorcycle, as there was no other place to do it. I was dead tired and did not know what else to do. I woke every time some one came near and about two hours later I heard two people talking and then some one kick my foot to arouse me. It was two security guards and they informed me that I could not sleep on the ground. I asked them where I could sleep and was told I had to be in a vehicle. I explained I was on the motorcycle and there was no inside it, that I had been on the road a long time and also that the vehicle would not start. They just said that I could not lay down anywhere unless I was in a vehicle.

I should note that there were 18 wheel tractor-trailers, motor homes, trucks and cars parked with people in them sleeping. Trucks and motor homes had special areas. They were no facilities for motorcycles.

Luckily my friends showed up in about an hour as promised. We loaded the bike and were on our way.

These areas are paid for with tax payer dollars and I suspect some money from gas taxes and vehicle registrations. These areas are set up for people to rest so as not to fall asleep while driving. I got a ride out of there but if that did not happen I would have been forced to leave and possibly have an accident.

— ROGUE

BIKERNET COMPUTER SURVEY– At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computerindustry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with thetechnology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 carsthat got 1,000 miles per gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, GM issued a press release stating, “If GMdeveloped technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with thefollowing characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy anew car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You wouldhave to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shutoff the car, restart it, and reopen the windows beforeyou could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver like a left turn would cause your carto shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstallthe engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on 5%of the roads.

6. The air bag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out andrefuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn thekey and grabbed hold of the antenna.

8. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn todrive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the samemanner as before.

9. You would have to press the START button to turn the engine off.

–from Ray Russell

I traversed the world with a PC Laptop and I can dig the above. I could have thrown that goddamn computer overboard on several occassions–Bandit.

–from Bob T.

BIKERNET LAWLESS CALLER QUESTION– The famous sex therapist on Bikernet was taking questions when a caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?”

To which the doctor handily responded, “To avoid criticism.”

DUCK OUT, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE–Later today, Brian Olea, the president of Bad Pig called the Chamber of Commerce in Hollister in a panic. They told him that Hollister is good to go. We’ll see what floats to the surface next.

Shortly we’ll run a tip on saving batteries and starter gears on Bikernet, but the bottom line is that Giggie and some informed sources at Compu-fire are recommending that you install solids in your performance Evos and big inch Twin Cams. You can buy a set of solids from S&S for less than $20.00 and perform the installation yourself. Hydraulics are the problem. You’ll need gaskets.

I don’t get it. I can look out at the harbor, meet up with Sin, add long lunches and work on my VL in the afternoon. A brother can’t understand why I don’t want a corporate job that was offered last week. I remember the old days when bikers couldn’t get jobs or keep them. Hell, Wild Bill had the code nailed down, “Wild Bill from over the hill, never worked and never will.”

Have a helluva weekend. Don’t go down or get arrested, but do everything else wrong–Bandit.

Continued From Page 2

DAVIE ALLAN ROCKS–Hot announcementabout our May 24th show with The Seeds. Because of analtercation at Mr. T?s, the show has been cancelled. Youcan still see The Seeds, they’ve been added to the bill atSpaceland. A rescheduled Arrows and Seeds show looksGood for July 14th at The Knitting Factory.Stay tuned.

–Davie,www.davieallan.com

BIKERNET INSIDE SCOOP– Bike builder Brian at PaulYaffe Originals will have his personal chopper gracing the cover of thenew Mikuni & Performance Machine sponsored 2003 Iron & Lace Calendarphotographed by Jim Gianatsis. Pictured with this awesome Yaffe bike isbeautiful Playboy cover model Amanda Bentley of the famed Bentley Twinswho is featured with sister Sandy in all of the 2003 FastDates.compublished motorcycle pinup calendars.

The 2003 Iron & Lace calendar will premier at the Hot Bike presents the2003 White Brothers LA Calendar Motorcycle Show sponsored byBikernet.com in Long Beach on July 20 & 21st. The Show will feature allthe top name builders on the West Coast including Paul Yaffe. Forcomplete details go to http://www.FastDates.com/BIKESHOW.HTM

BIKERNET DISCOVERS THAT LOUIE CAN’T HANDLE THE RAIN–The Skies opened up and rescheduled the Choppers Forever Bike Showat C&L Hog Shop until June 2nd. Hopefully we can give away the trophies then!Starts at noon on the 2nd of June, with folks planning on coming from Daytona, Orlando, Naples,Ohio, Texas, LA. Grampa Louie knows alot of people.

We needed the rains.Watch those other flames, tossed cigarette butts, etc.We are still in drought conditions down here so rain is good.I guess…..sigh…

–Mandu

SAFETY STUDY FROM BIKERNET–

BIKERNET PRESCHOOL TUTORING–The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks,”What’s this?”

“A horsy,” one child answers.

“And this?” the teacher asks.

“A piggy,” replies another youngster.

“And now this one?” asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a maledeer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only totalsilence.

“Come now, children,” she coaxes, “I’ll give you a little hint.

What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs & kisses her a lot?”

“I know! I know!!” exclaims one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”

–from Bob T.

WHERE’S RAWLINGS?–Years ago, I used to stop by their shop when I made the trip to Calif. from my home in Jersey. Keith Ruxton and Clyde Rawlings were one of the first to run in the 7’s with their ultra sano top fuel digger. They turned out some of the nicest custom scoots to hit the streets. Thru the years I kept in touch with Clyde (he helped me troubleshoot). I lost the shop’s phone#…information has no listing. Did the shop close or did they move (do you have their #)? Last I spoke with Clyde the shop was slow.

…I’m just rolling the dice.

I still have a Sportster tank (mural hand painted by Audrey Rawlings) hanging on my garage wall.

Thanks, Brian

BIKERNET PET RELATIONS– A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

The bar tender says “What would you like Sir?”

The Man Says “I’ll have a pint of beer” He looks at the ostrich and says “What will you have?”

“I’ll have a pint of beer” says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat “What will you have?”

“Half a pint of beer – but I’m not paying!” .

“That will be $12.65” says the bartender.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

“What’ll it be today” says the bartender

“Double whisky on the rocks” says the man He looks at the ostrich and says “What will you have?”

“I’ll join you in a double whisky” says the ostrich

He looks at the cat “What will you have?”

“Half a pint of beer – but I’m not paying!”, says the cat.

“That will be $21.95” says the bartender

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

“Excuse me” the bartender says “I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?”

“Well” says the man “When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket”

“That’s brilliant” says the bartender “You’ll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?”

“A bird with long legs and a tight pussy”

Biker Rights–Read about legislation facing bikers in the future in the Bikers’ Rights area of Bikernet on the NCOM New Orleans gathering. This conference is annually devoted to the bikers across the country who fight daily for our lifestyle. If you are not a member of a Bikers’ Rights organization in your state join one, goddamnit. It supports their efforts to keep us free–Bandit.

BIKERNET MARRIAGE COUNSELING–A woman recently lost her husband.Their marriage had been a very lousyone, and she was relieved that hewas finally gone. She had him crematedand brought his ashes home.Picking up the urn that he was in,she poured him out on the counter.Then she started talking to him,and tracing her fingers in the ashes,she said, “You know that fur coatyou promised me?”

She answered by saying, “I boughtit with the insurance money!”

She then said, “Remember thatnew car you promised me?”

She answered again saying, “Well,I bought it with the insurance money!”

Still tracing her finger in theashes, she said, “Remember thatblow job I promised you? Well ……here it comes…”

–from Rogue

BIKERNET LACONIA UPDATE–By JOHN KOZIOL,Staff Writer.

In the wake of deadly violence around the nation this yearinvolving motorcycle gangs, city officials are looking at ways to make BikeWeek 2002 as safe as possible.

Bike Week takes place from June 8-16 and Laconia Police Chief William Bakeris sounding a cautious note that Laconia has to be prepared for thepossibility that the violence that has marred several biker-related eventsin other states, could also happen here.

“The point I’ve tried to make is we cannot guarantee the safety ofindividuals attending this event, just that we can use all reasonable lawenforcement efforts to minimize the risk,” Baker said on Wednesday.

The City Council has already met once this year with Baker to discuss BikeWeek-related matters although Mayor Mark Fraser declined to say Wednesdaywhat they were because they were discussed in non-public session. Thecouncil and the chief are expected to meet again at which time Baker willpresent a report “about state police protection and what kind of back-up wemight have if something did occur,” Fraser said.

An option that the city probably will not explore is canceling Bike Week,said Fraser, even though Baker pointed out that a motorcycle event in NewJersey has been postponed for at least a year due to the violence amongbiker gangs.

“A lot of people have invested a lot of time and planning so to now back offbecause of the possible threat of something, I don’t think that’s the routewe’re going to go, but we will be ready to respond if something does occur,”Fraser said.

Charlie St. Clair, executive director of the Laconia Motorcycle Rally andRace Week Association, said he has full confidence in law enforcementagencies being able to keep Bike Week 2002 attendees in line and safe.

–from Rogue

CRAZY HORSE ON MYRTLE BEACH–I’m back from the hard road. My left hand hurts like a muther. Might have something to do with the 40 mile traffic jam I sat in on the way home from Myrtle Beach. Hey, I wasn’t road captain. Spent most of the day in bed with a heating pad on my hand ( yes, it was that bad,)

We are getting tons of killer entries for the Bikernet Bike Show this month. I entered a few last night, doing the rest this morning.

Hey, you got the wedding story you wanted. Photoed a wedding in Myrtle. It happened to be my best friend here in Charlotte’s wedding. Beautiful wedding on the beach, wedding party rode off in the sunshine wearing tank tops and jeans to the reception 30 miles north of their hotel.

They wore plastic garbage bags on ride back in the cold pouring rain a few hours later. I got pics of that too. This Bikernet staff member had her full leathers packed on the bike and was wet but drier and warmer than them.

I spent some time with Jose and his bunch in Myrtle. It was most fun I had in a 4 wheeled vehicle in a long time.

Hammer, Geno and Billy L from HORSE are in South Fla staying with the Hustler folks. Some guys got it rough.

–JoAnn

THE TAXI DRIVER–One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadowsof an alley halfway down the block.Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the caband slammed the door.Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see adripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

“Where to?” hestammered.

“Union Station,” answered the woman.

“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The womancaught him staring at her and asked,”Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”

“Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was justwondering how you’ll pay your fare.”

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at thedriver and said,”Does *THIS* answer your question?”

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,”Got anything smaller?”

–from Rogue

BIKERNET MAGAZINE SURVEY–In a curious attempt at checking on the success or drawbacks of bike magazine publishing we ran a small report last week on HORSE, Hot Rod Bikes and Hot bike. The information we received was from a printed Audited report, although not the most recent. We received the following from Dave Withrow the publisher of Hot Bike.

“This was sent to me. It is my understanding that Geno is a member of the Horse magazine staff. If he also is a member of your staff then we have a problem. The headline reads “Bikernet Investigates Bike Magazines”, this implies that actual research was done. If in fact research was done the story would mention the fact that Hot Bike has ABC audited circulation of 97,049. This is an audited increase of 160% over the last six years. This puts Hot Bike ahead of all audited Harley related performance titles, and second in the Harley magazine category to only Easyrider’s. The story implies that Hot Bike’s circulation has been flat for the last decade. The story also implies that the Horse is ABC audited, to my knowledge the Horse is not audited.

Since I was in attendance in every planning meeting for the EMAP purchase, I can guarantee you that killing Hot Rod Bikes was never an option. I can place and educated guess as to what Geno’s motivation is, but what is your motivation. I am forwarding this to our legal department in New York. A wise man once told me ” Never cut a man’s head off to make yourself appear taller”

We will continue to review the progress of these magazines and seek documentation, even though we were threatened with legal action. Actually the audited circulation reports on Hot Bike over the last three years have been somewhat flat and Easyriders circulation is over 200% ahead of Hot Bike.

We also found out that Hot Rod Bikes (circulation 94,000) is being cut to 8-times a year (according to a HRB subscription offer) and that advertising dropped substantially in the issue going to press.

We started this investigation to review the progress of HORSE in comparison to major titles. Dave is correct that HORSE is not audited. However, it’s interesting to examine the progress of a small group of riders against the mix of corporate giants. We’ll see what turns up next.

Continued On Page 4

Continued From Page 1

THE BIKERNET HOLLISTER RESEARCH CONTINUES– Now this is some of the highhanded shit the LAW pulls when they’re scared: officially prohibiting riders from sitting on their motorcycles if parked on San Benito Street. The council will consider the ordinances Monday.

If I can’t sit on my bike and watch the other bikes and traffic go by then something is really wrong with this picture! Talk about civil rights!!!

The following came in May 14:

Deadly biker shoot-out puts San Benito County officials on alert

By KATE WOODS
Pinnacle Staff Writer

A deadly biker shootout in Laughlin, Nev., has Sheriff Curtis Hill preparingfor the worst when the Hollister Independence Day Rally comes to town.”If anyone thinks that this can’t happen in Hollister — and I hope youquote me — they’d better get their heads out of the sand,” said Hill in hisstrongest language yet against outlaw bikers, fortified after fieldingnon-stop post-melee calls from law enforcement colleagues around the state.

The Hollister rally is the next major West Coast biker event, and Hill, whoconsiders motorcycle club intelligence a crucial part of his operation andhad two officers officially observing in Laughlin, already has made securityfor it a top priority.

“It’s open warfare,” said Hill. “In the realm of the outlaw biker world,that event in Laughlin was like a nuke going off.”

The violence prompted officials in Old Bridge, N.J., Tuesday to call forcancellation of their town’s rally in August.

They already were facing the prospect oftougher laws regulating Hollister Rally behavior.City Attorney Elaine Cass has prepared ordinances banning the exposure offemale breasts, barring “knives in plain view” and – and this will be astickler for crowds at an event with little seating outside of beer gardens- officially prohibiting riders from sitting on their motorcycles if parkedon San Benito Street. The council will consider the ordinances Monday.Hill stated forcefully and many times during an interview that he is seriousabout his concern – and desire to beef up security this year.

“I want to make sure that the community understands it’s not anoverreaction,” said Hill. “At 2 a.m. over 100 cops were actually working theevent at that time. With 45 minutes they had another 80 plus a SWAT team. Wecut back after the first year because nothing happened and everyonecomplained about what they had to pay for security. But things can happen ina flash.”

Hollister Chief of Police Bill Pierpoint is more optimistic that whathappened in Laughlin will not impact the Hollister event, and is more waryabout the rights of the majority being trampled by heavy handed tactics.”My feeling now is that it won’t affect our rally,” said Pierpoint. “If wereacted every time something happened someplace else, we would always beclosing down the entire town. We’d be taking everybody’s civil libertiesaway from them. People have the right to assemble.”

On Monday, however, Hill dispatched his sergeant assigned to motorcycle gangintelligence to begin fulltime work on a beefed up security plan for theHollister rally. Hill plans to meet with Pierpoint and City Manager GeorgeLewis this week. He acknowledged security would be costly, a fact aboutwhich, he said, outlaw bikers are well aware.

FIREFIGHTERS TO THE RESCUE–One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the localchemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded intoflames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from milesaround.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical companypresident rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas arein the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give$50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact.”

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called inand the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to thefirefighters who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came intosight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men overthe age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, t he little fire engine raced passedeveryone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig andbegan to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved thesecret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such asuperhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over topersonally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on filmasking. “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we are going to dois fix the brakes on the truck.

BIKERNET RECALL ALERT– If you have a American Suspension inverted front end on your motorcyclethere has been a RECALL ON THE FENDER BRACKETS. This would include AmericanQuantum, Ultra, Titan and those who purchased just front ends from anothersource.

To find out more or make arrangements to get your recall contact LisaReddick at American Suspension. E-mail LDReddick@dny.gd-ots.com call (562) 904-7731 or write American Suspension – 9236 E.Hall Road -Downey – CA. – 90241-5308

A BIKERNET RELIGIOUS MOMENT– The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks anolder priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priestsuggests,

“Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ ‘I understand,’ and “how did you feel about that?'”

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priestsays,

“Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit! What happened next?'”

–from Chris T.

NEW H-D MODEL, THE HEARSE–Al Skinner of Wrightsville, Pa., test-drives his new Harley-Davidson “hearse for hire” on May 1. Skinner hopes his new business, Biker Burials, will attract “motorcycle enthusiasts or those in search of an extraordinary farewell.”

The 46-year-old biker mounted a custom sidecar and casket to his Sinister Blue Harley-Davidson Road King. He will carry a loved one to the cemetery for $300 plus another dollar for each mile traveled.

–from Rogue

SCREAMIN’ EAGLE NHRA TEAM TO CONCENTRATE ON TESTING AND DEVELOPMENT– After an early season filled with expectations and discovery, the Screamin’ Eagle/Vance & Hines National Hot Rod Association (NHRA) Pro Stock Bike drag racing team is focused on applying the knowledge gained towards a future qualifying effort. With this goal in mind, the team has chosen to continue testing and will miss this weekend’s Matco Tools Super Nationals in Englishtown, NJ.

“We know where the team is at competitively and we know what it will take to reach our goal of qualifying,” said Mike Kennedy, director of marketing for Harley-Davidson Parts and Accessories. “We now want to take this time to implement the technical data and knowledge gained from early in the season in preparation for a qualifying effort. The team remains focused and confident of the program’s potential to become competitive in the NHRA Pro Stock Bike series.”Visit www.harley-davidson.com for more information.

RUN FOR BREATH UPDATE–Dear Mr. Bandit,This is the t-shirt logo for the 4th Annual Run For Breath in Charlotte. Mike said to tell you that he had to twist my arm to get me to send this. After that remark, he can kiss his Bikernet sweatshirt good bye!!!

Love you,
Meanest

As usual I had to straighten them out and make sure they mentioned the name, date and location of the event on the other side of the t-shirt. They forgot all about it. It’s Sunday the 28th of July and it’s sponsored by Charlotte H-D where Mike Pullin works. He created the event in his son’s memory to raise funds for all kids with serious lung disease. I’ll be there to make sure Mike gets his ass up that morning for the ride.–Bandit

BIKERNET ADVICE FOR MEN–I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reachedthe top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twistinghis thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.

In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distancevertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an “epiphany”, amoment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.

Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew whatIhad to do:

Quit drinking before noon.

–from Buckshot

A RIDER’S DILEMMA–I can’t decide what to do this weekend. Bald headed Patrick wants to go toGulfport, Miss, for the Blowout. Been there. It’s a good party, but $50 ahead plus $30 for a car or truck. The car fee don’t bother me ’cause I ain’tgonna have one, but $50 is too much.It’s on the beach though and the 350 miletrip is a nice ride.

Phillip wants to go to the Road Barron’s party in HotSprings. Same kinda fun but 300 miles closer. It’s only $20, but it ain’t atthe beach. No casinos either.

Wayne wants to go to Monroe, LA for a bigparty, but it’s out in the boonies, and you have to return to the real worldto eat. the cops are just laying for you when you leave.

Titty bar mike wantsto go to the lake and have a big boat deal. Everyone is gonna be at the lakeand you can’t find a square inch that isn’t covered.

I just want to ride. I’minclined to go to Gulfport because it’s the farthest away, it’s at the beach,and it’s the biggest event. Lots of naked girls. Cops are ok, if you ain’tacting stupid, and there are drag races. I’ll let you know.

–Ted-F.U.M/C

MORE RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING FROM BIKERNET–A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful?'”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

Continued On Page 3

I recently completed writing an editorial for Cruising Rider on The Code Of The West. At the top of the list for all man kind should be freedom of the road and sex. If the world learned the code we wouldn’t have all these hate and religious crimes to deal with.

There’s not much more I have to babble on about or needs to be said. I get an occasional complaint about the level of sex mentioned on the site. No, I’m not Hugh Hefner, nor do I want to be, but we have the freedom to have sex after breakfast, work on motorcycles whenever we feel the urge and can ride most anytime. Life couldn’t be much better. So, what’s there to complain about?

I just got a call that Hollister was canceled due to club wars. I’ll wait for Wino Joe to confirm. As you’ll see in the news there’s other reports on Hollister. Let’s get to it:

WHAT’S A CAMEL TOE?– Hell, I don’t have the slightest, but this question came with some fantastic images. I can’t imagine what a camel has to do with a woman’s body. Here’s a couple of the images:

BIKERNET MEDICAL STUDY–A man goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, “You MUST stopmasturbating.”

“Why?” the man asks, “Will it make me go blind?”

“No,” the doctor replies, “but its upsetting the other patients in thewaiting room!”

–from Buckshot

BIKERNET DESERT REPORT– Well I finished my “Prison Term” in the desert last week. It was Africa hot in Phoenix, Arizona!! Buell school went well. Doug Fitzerald was the instructor from MMI. Doug is a Buell rider and racer. He was very helpful with all the latest info on the Buell Firebolt.

We had a really good group of people there for this class. All Buell enthusiasts. I think this is a key element in Buell’s success with the Firebolt. We the mechanics and the H-D/Buell dealers need to provide an added effort and support to the Buell customer. I feel this has been lacking at some dealerships.

The Firebolt like the V-Rod are pretty much a new type of motorcycle compared to the regular H-D models. They are also new to dealers and the H-D mechanics who work on them. Maintaining the V-rod and the new Firebolt is easier in some respects and more difficult than the standard models in other respects. For anybody who has had to work on foreign sport bikes will have a leg up.

Remember all that training and work you did on foreign bikes back in school at MMI. Remember wondering why are we doing this Jap shit?? Well for those who can remember that training, you will be glad you stuck it out at MMI. That background will serve you well while working on the Firebolt and the V-rod.

For the “Old School” people you will be frustrated at first. There will be “Why the fuck did they do this”, “What the hell is this”, and “You got to be kidding”!!! Repetition and patience will make the transition easier down the road.

Hey to me changing a belt or putting on a rear tire on a Firebolt is a hell of alot better than putting on chrome front disk rotor and caliper covers on a new “Bagger”!!! Many of the accessories in that H-D P & A catalog make me cringe every time someone orders them.

The good thing about working on the Firebolt for whatever the reason will be the test ride afterwards. They just handle so damn well.

–Paul

BIKERNET INSIDER REPORT FROM QUEEN MARY SHOW–Are my services needed this year or will you be having BANDIT do it?

Brenda Fox

The following is a response from the founder of the LA Calendar Show, Jim Gianatsis.

Dear Brenda,

I certainly would like to continue with your help again at this year’s LA Calendar Bike Show as MC / Hostess / Stage coordinator for both days.

Bandit is our token “sexy male model / biker dude” for the event, and as such, he will need a strong and forceful female role model (aka dominatrix) to look after him and have him on stage just a couple times each day for things like the Calendar girl Introduction and a Celebrity Interview, Calendar Girl Contest and Sunday’s Bike Contest trophy presentation.

We’d also like to get Hot Bike editor Howard Kelly up on stage for an interview and to plug his magazine, possibly on Saturday at 5pm if he is at the Show then, and certainly on Sunday at 4 pm for the Bike Contest trophy presentation and photos with the Hot Bike Best of Show trophy presentation.

Everyone is invited to check out the Bike Show Event Schedule I’ve posted on our website at http://www.FastDates.com/BIKESHOW2.HTM

Best regards.
Jim Gianatsis, Director
Los Angeles Calendar Motorcycle Show
ph 818.223.8550
fx 818.223.8590

Yes sir, anything you say Captain–Bandit

BIKERNET CARIBBEAN REPORT–Back from Myrtle Beach, and here’s my report . It sucks. I mean, we had agreat time with our friends from Lynn, P.O.W Dave and Kevin da Leader,Crazy Horse and Edge from the HORSE mag, but we found MB to be a weirdplace for a rally. There is no hub, or heart if you prefer. When we visitDaytona we know that something is going on between Main and Beach St. or inSturgis, Main and Lazelle, but not here.

Besides having to roll for toomany miles to get from one place to another, and in boring tourist traproads, everything was spread apart. If you wanted to go visit some vendorsand say hi, there was not enough time on the day to drive the distance (ifyou could find them) Although it seems like a place to go party, dozens ofstrip joints and bars were all over the place, including the tourist traptheme stuff ala Hard Rock and House of Blues.

Anyway, who the hell wants toride 40 miles to get hammered and ride 40 more to get back, praying thatthe cops won’t pull you over, or worse, get in an accident.The police seemed to be in full force, even FBI special ops. Whilehanging out at the bars we could see dozens of cops with infra red binoculars (checking the blatant display of tits of course), but I reallydon’t know what they were so worried about. The fewpolice that we got to talk to were polite and helpful.Brownie points to the South Carolina police.

All in all we had a great time dissecting bikes and builders, paint jobsand breast sizes. Lucky for us we were in our Dually chopper, ’causesaturday it started raining and it got polar bear ass cold, (at least forour tropical skins).BTW here’s a photo of our trusty ride for the week, yep, black andlong,,,,It’s a Chevy Chopper….

And let’s not even talk about the traffic jam getting out of there Sunday,that’s when we noticed the acclaimed 200,000 bikers in town.But it wasn’t all bad, we had fun hanging out with friends who we seldomsee. I loved the new signs though…..No Colors, No Weapons, NoSupport Shirts ??? What else ? No titties under C cup , no people namedAngel, no red bikes ? Paranoia will destroy ya’ like the song says.

Anyway, I would recommend the organizers (if they read this) to get theiract together and create a more compact headquarters location. If the riding was superb like in the Black Hillsyou can get away with that, but not on the boring Myrtle Beach roads.

Edge from the Horse was talking about the SMSO, that will be a cool assparty, many bands, mayhem and a Chopper will bebuilt at the three day event, plus a lot of your regular Bikernet and TheHorse staff will be there.

It’s from July 26 to 28th in Salisbury (yeap like the steak) NorthCarolina, or check the Horse web site for more info.

Our friend and fellow Bourget’s distributor Steve Zammit from Long Islandcalled us cause he got his trailer stolen and six Bourgets inside, thetruck and trailer were found in Queens, but no bikes. I will have thedescription and Vins on the bikes next week.If you happen to know anything, shoot an e-mail there might be a reward orknuckle sandwich galore….Jose@ChopperFreak.com Thanks.

Time to go , we have lots of work to catch up to, the price ofplay, and we are getting so near Sturgis it’s not even funny.

Thank God we love this shit,…..Choppers Rule !

–Jose, Caribbean Bikernet comedy report.

THE BIKERNET MARRIAGE COUNSELOR– One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner.Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrongand what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to thedrugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up andasks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot andwaits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixedsome tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples fromhis wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for goodmeasure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits theresults.

The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

Continued On Page 2

Kiwi is proud to introduce the worlds first operationalproprietary Indian engine and transmission powerplant. The first new Indianengine since the factory closed its doors in 1953. We utilized our proprietarycomponents and built it larger than stock to 84 cubic inches (80 and 74-inchversions also available).

We call this the “Kiwi Integrated Engine” which means that all of thecomponents are manufactured by Kiwi. This characteristic guaranteesthe fit and operationalperformance of each and every part.

Since we have been manufacturing all of the internal components for sometime and been test riding the heck out of the stuff, this task was alreadywell proven.

The biggest benefit of taking an integrated approachis that the customer can feel confident of having absolutely thefinest quality engineavailable.

Price for complete engine less oil pump $7499.00 (unassembled $5999.00).Price with transmission and primary to follow. We will also offer the enginein short block form without cam parts. Sub assemblies will also beavailable including complete cylinders with valve covers etc, ready to bolt to an engine.

The central new part of our engine is of course the engine cases.These cases look outwardly identical to stock cases, but have been improvedconsiderably over stock. Cases are1948-53 style and are available now with matched cam cover for anintroductory price of $999.00.

We are not kidding when we say we test ride the heck out of our stuff.We put serious miles on every part we make before we release it for sale,and the new engine is no exception.

Even if the prototype powertrain has been assembled for some months,we wanted to make absolutely sure everything was perfect before releasingit.

Our slogan says “Quality Parts, Built to Ride” and we stand behind that!

Aluminum is a high end 356-T6. A 65% increase in structural strengthover original cases and that’s before our structural improvements.

Drive housing external boss increased from 2-5/8 to3-1/4-inch.

Drive housing inside boss increased from 2-5/16 to3-1/4-inch.

Drive side bearing oiling is aided by a windage trapto ensure a constant supply of oil.

Integral cast in dry sump pick up.

Case walls thickened and baffles have been strengthenedto suit 84-inch strokers.

Cam chest wall increased 1/16-inch.

2 sets of baffles to reduce oil splash and mist ontothe breather.

Case to cam cover gasket surface area increased up todouble in critical areas.

Both case and cover are matched and line bored.

Engine to primary mounting flange threaded for a cleanlook (no untidy nuts).

All housing and bushing bores are line bored and canbe enlarged to accept needle bearings.

Crankcase half sealing surface increased upto 75%.

Dowel pins for accurate case half locating. One ofthe benefits was to eliminate the radial locator groove so as to increasecase half sealing surface area.

Breather location can be changed from cam cover toback side of crankcase for a more visual appealing finish.

Front engine mounting bosses are sculptured for a matchedand finished look

Polished case option is available.Patterns were computer recreated utilizing CMM technology. The foundrywe use is one of the top within the aircraft, automotive, motorcycle andracing communities. The machine shop is a major manufacturer to the otherAmerican motorcycle company so fit and finish is a slam dunk deal. Caseand cam cover sealing surface improvements were consulted by James Gasketsand the other American motorcycle company.

SPECIFICATIONS:
42 degree V twin, air cooled.
Bore: 3-1/4″.
Strokes: 4-7/16″ (74-inch), 4-13/16″ (80-inch) and 5-inch (84-inch).
Kiwi forged pistons, three ring design with three piece oil ring.
Kiwi forged 4340, H-beam connecting rods.
Kiwi/Truett and Osborn flywheels.
Flathead design, hardened valve seats, stainless steel valves, hardchromed stems, 2-inch diameter heads.
Gear drive twin cam.
Billet Bonneville cams.
Billet Bonneville cam followers.
Positive Kiwi pinion shaft oil seal.
Black oxide push rod guides.
Chrome valve covers with silicon o-ring seals.
Chrome wide flange cylinder base nuts.
Stainless steel hardware.
James Gaskets.
Cam cover accepts cast iron or aluminum oil pumps.

Price for complete engine less oil pump $7499.00 (unassembled $5999.00).Prices with transmission and primary to follow. We will also offer theengine in short block form without cam parts. Sub assemblies will alsobe available: Complete cylinders with valve covers etc, ready to bolt toan engine.

Visit http://www.kiwi-indian.com for more details.

My life is usually peaceful. I tweak on the bikes at Bikernet, tweak on my own, drink a little beer and watch television. Ever since Bandit broke up with his last wife, I decided to avoid the pitfalls of life and stick to myself. This particular day at the Bikernet headquarters was a perfect example of why my selfish decision was justified. Bandit volunteered to install the new Holly carburetor from Screamin’ Eagle on Brenda Fox’s new Deuce. Ms. Fox works at Bartels’ Harley-Davidson in Marina del Rey when she’s not modeling or performing promotional miracles for various companies. I’ve seen Bandit ride with her and there aren’t many people who care to keep up with the big bastard, but Brenda does. Anyway, she’s determined to make this sucker into the sleek chopper she’s always wanted. For those who think only rich cats can afford new H-D’s well, check this: She shares an apartment, pays a lot of doctor bills, has a junk car and is just a working chick in a dealership. This bike is her baby, her life. Sure, she scored a deal, but she’s still a workin’ chick who managed to afford a new scoot. Now, back to my example of how downright distracting, disturbing and tumultuous Bandit’s life can be. It was slightly overcast in the San Pedro Harbor when Markus Cuff, the photog, rolled in to take these shots. Still early, this long-legged blond storms the gate looking for Bandit. She’s in her early 20s and dressed to kill. She latched on to the boss and pulled him toward the house. We had three operations to handle on Brenda’s bike in a day, plus take notes for each tech and photograph each process. We needed to move. Marcus was fashioning an all-white miniature studio in the corner of our leaning garage so he could document each product. I began to loosen the Softail shocks, then was told to leave them alone. I got a cup of coffee and kicked back while Marcus shot each product. First there were lower shocks, then the Rip Saw Samson Exhaust system, then the Holly carburetor kit. Before kickin’ off the tear-down, Markus, the scrawny film master dressed in all black, set up his lights and took a before-shot of the bone stock Deuce. The sun was cresting high noon when Bandit stormed into the garage. “Is it done yet?” he asked sarcastically. “We’re burnin’ daylight.” Finally, the shots were taken and we went to work removing the shocks and replacing the exhaust system. But with each delicate task, another woman arrived and drug Bandit into the Bikernet headquarters. There was one striking, dark-haired girl who seemed to glide along the pavement. She was of medium height and didn’t have gigantic boobs, but she had a sense of poise about her which drew my attention and distracted the big guy. I finished with the shocks and was dismantling the exhaust system when Bandit returned. “Snap it up, damnit,” he said. “Fuck off,” I returned and finished taking off the heavy stock system. He was with me throughout the exhaust install, then just as we were about to tear into the stock carburetor, Brenda arrived. She’s a bundle of energy, seemingly bounding off the walls. She was on her way to Palm Springs Bike Week when she jammed into the headquarters to lasso Bandit for what I don’t know, and he disappeared again. When he returned, the CV carburetor had been removed along with the stock manifold. We carefully set these components aside and not in the shit can. We would need some of them before the operation was over. The factory instructions call for removing the negative lead to the battery. In this case, it’s not a big deal, but still advisable. Here’s the disassembly deal: Remove the stock air cleaner, carburetor and intake manifold. See Photo 1. Remove the stock choke assembly from the stock carb (you’ll need it) and set it aside. See   Take the MAP sensor off the original manifold and attach it to the new one. Install new intake seals to the intake manifold. Connect the vacuum hose to the fitting on the manifold and the electrical connector to the MAP sensor, if present.   Install the intake manifold to the heads, but just finger tight. We quickly discovered that a shortened allen wrench would be beneficial to the operation. So we cut one down for use on the left side of the bike. The other side was best handled with a long allen with a ball end and a small box end wrench for leverage.   Disassemble the stock enrichener cable assembly. Remove the enrichener valve, spring, plastic nut, 90 degree elbow, hex nut and star washer from the cable.   Pick up the new cable from the kit and install the star washer and hex nut just removed from the existing assembly (I already had this stuff on the new cable). Install the rubber boot over the straight steel cable guide. Install the original plastic nut and spring along with the new enrichener valve. This is a simple operation, but be careful not to mix up the parts. The rubber elbow seems strange, but when you have the new cable guide in place it will straighten out the boot. It all slips into place. Slip and screw in the new cable assembly into the back of the carb body. Install the new gasket. There are two gaskets; match up the one you need and slip the carb into place with the three allen bolts. Don’t tighten them past snug at this point because ultimately the carb will come back off. Use a long allen wrench.   Now comes this convoluted plumbing and hardware system. It’s simple once you get the hang of it, so here’s the score: Place a large ID washer over each banjo bolt and slip it through the holes in the mounting bracket, then place a second large ID washer over each banjo blot to seal the plumbing. Place the breather manifold over the banjo bolts with the hose fitting on the manifold toward the rear of the bike. Place the remaining two washers over the breather bolts. On Twin Cam engines, the last washers will have small IDs. While holding the assembly together, insert the banjo bolts into the tapped holes in the cylinder heads. Tighten each bolt a little at a time until the assembly is loosely held in place.   Take a step back from the carb and marvel at your accomplishment, and wonder if you couldn’t just eliminate all that crap. You can’t, so keep moving. Find the 90-degree nipple hose fitting and screw into the backside of the air cleaner backing plate. Be careful not to over tighten. The hose fitting should be pointing toward the back of the motorcycle after installation. If it’s loose when you get to that position or too tight to make another revolution, take it out and wrap it with Teflon tape. Install the backing plate gasket to the front of the carburetor using three studs. Align the backing plate to the bracket by installing the two flat head screws to the mounting bracket. Again, don’t tighten that sucker. You are actually aligning the entire assembly before tightening it all down. Ultimately, the carb body will have to be removed to allow you to tighten the intake manifold.   Finger tighten the banjo bolts (installed into the heads) to align the carburetor back plate and intake manifold. Making sure everything is aligned, tighten the left side of the intake manifold bolts to secure the manifold in position. Now the dress rehearsal is over. Remove the backing plate, mounting bracket, manifold breather tube and carburetor assembly, then tighten the right-side intake manifold bolts.   There is one more operation before bolting the sucker entirely back together. It may sound easy, but this was the toughest part for me. You have to route and connect the throttle cables to the carburetor throttle wheel. The trick is to make sure you have the right cable going to the correct side of the wheel. Remember the push/pull system, so operate the throttle on the handlebars to determine whether you are working with the proper cable. You will need to loosen the adjustment under the throttle housing on the bars for some slack. I had a hard time routing the pull cable end into the wheel. You need to open the butterfly to make this happen. The push cable fits easily. Find the cable bracket and insert the cables. Then roll the pointed end of the bracket onto the top of the carb body and into place. Install the bracket onto the carb body and torque the allen screw to 3-5 foot pounds. Now smear grease on either side of the carb gasket for a secure seal. Install the carb with the three allen bolts and tighten to 10-12 ft-lbs. Readjust the throttle cables to factory specs. I may have caused the pull cable to bind under the tank, so be careful that the cables don’t catch. Check the throttle to make sure it’s operating properly. Look down the throat and make sure the carb butterflies are opening and closing, not sticking or binding. Install the fuel line. You may want to take the protective sleeve off the old line and use it on the new one. Secure each end with a 3/8-inch hose clamp. On either side of the carb body is a mid-range adjustment screw. Turn it in until it bottoms and back it out slowly two turns. It should be adjusted to go. Loctite the banjo bolts and put them into place with the manifold breather tube, bracket and bolt assembly to the cylinder heads. Reinstall the carb-to-backing plate gasket and backing plate to carburetor and mounting bracket using two flat-head screws and three 1/4 studs. Tighten all five fasteners 3-5 ft-lbs. You don’t need to seal this gasket with grease or any adhesive. Tighten the manifold breather tube banjo bolts to 10-12 ft-lbs. Attach the short end of the manifold breather hose to the 90-degree fitting on the backside of the backing plate and secure with 3/8-inch hose clamp. Cut the long end of the manifold breather hose to correct length, connect it to the manifold breather and secure with clamp. Install the air filter to the backing plate and secure with three Button-head screws. Tighten to 3-5 ft. lbs. Apply Loctite (blue) to the threads of the cover screw removed from the original air cleaner and install cover using screw and washer.   Secure the choke knob, tighten and adjust to factory specs.   We cleaned the bike and made sure the pipes were free of fingerprints. Then we fired her to life. The fleet center guys told us that we could see gains of 60 to 72 horses and 70 to 82 pounds of torque. We called Walter from Bartels’, who watches out for Brenda. Bandit asked him to check over the installation and remove the EPA canister, which was no longer needed, to clean up the plumbing on the bike.   The bike seemed to run fine out of the gate. If you do have a problem, the idle mixture screws on the sides of the metering block can be adjusted. The correct adjustment should fall between half and three turns out from bottom. If it doesn’t perform well there, you may need a new slow jet. The main metering jets can also be swapped from the standard #58 to #62 to richen the mixture. So that’s the story. It wasn’t until we were taking the final shot that Bandit returned to the garage. He seemed drawn and tired, his hair a mess. Brenda slapped him on his ass and dashed out the gate. He looked over the bike and nodded a quiet approval, then pulled a pewter flask from his back pocket and downed a healthy swig. He sat hard on the shop stool and took a deep breath. “Helluva day men,” he said. “Nice work. I’m buying tacos and tequila for dinner.” Just then, a tall Oriental bombshell in short shorts stepped into the garage. Her plump tits tried to escape her top as she tapped Bandit on the shoulder. “I need to see you inside,” she said in a voice that would melt chrome off the new Samson exhaust system. Out of nowhere, Bandit seemed to snap out of his earlier doldrums. “You guys go to the harbor and order for me. I’ll be right down,” he said as he turned and followed the legs that have made good men bad, and pure men, sin. That’s the last we saw of him. –Wrench

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