There I was minding my own business. Agent Zebra was in Seoul, Korea, acting as a pimp for a male escort service. Renegade was tearing the touring chopper apart in the garage. Works Performance is building the shocks a half-inch longer and setting the bottom out dimension so the damn tire doesn’t smoke the rear fender. I was waiting on chrome from Cindy at the famous Century Motors in San Pedro when all hell broke loose. Zebra was back in town, Marco the maniac was squealing through town taking the Agent to Bartels’ to rescue the Street Stalker. Bartels’ had completed a masterful job of returning the black beast to full working order after the terrible car people had demolished it. We needed two more running bikes for the evening. The Agent was dragging along Christian D’Andrea from the production company A Band Apart, part of the Miramax pictures group.

I called Wrench, “Is the Pan running?”

“Of course,” Wrench snarled over the sound-powered phone in the garage, “you bastard, it always runs.”

Renegade stumbled into the Pedro shed grumbling about the chrome not being done. “Where’s the parts, you big ugly…?”

“At the chromers, you dumb sonuvabitch,” he snapped.

We all are so cordial around the World Headquarters of Bikernet.com. “Listen you knife-drawing maniac. Go down to Century and threaten their lives, if they don’t get the parts back. And don’t come back without them.” Renegade is a monster of a man with jet black hair and a constant, consistent red-freak attitude. He slammed me against the wall, pulled his knife and had it jammed under my goatee faster than a humming bird blinks.

“We’ve been friends for a long time, but I don’t take shit from anyone, not even you, brother.” His eyes were coal black and piercing like the knife point causing a trickle of blood to run down my neck.

I coughed, “Then you shouldn’t have any problem getting the parts back.” The pressure was mounting around the headquarters. There were no deadlines anymore. Well sorta, with the site we had deadlines constantly. But it’s only us clowns making ’em happen, so the mellow atmosphere has been loose and easy. This was an anomaly to our daily routine and we were loosing control. Renegade stomped out of the shed rocking the rickety hardwood floors on his way out. I went immediately to the phone and dialed like a madman. “Century Motors?” Cindy came on the line.

“Mrs. Motors?” I said quickly.

“Mr. Bandit,” she responded formerly.

“Renegade’s on his way to get those parts that were to be chromed. He’s pissed…” the phone went dead.

By the time the bastard with “no-patience!” tattooed on his arm almost tore the front door off the hinges entering the shop, Cindy had ’em bagged and ready for the big man.

By 6:30 the Excelsior-Henderson was rolling. Jenny from Dallas, Wrench’s assistant, had checked the oil in the Pan, tested the battery, and broke the seat mount. She also fixed it then shorted the brake wire out so that when we depressed the brake the bike quit. Bare wire against the fender hinge. Fixed. We were ready for the quest from Hollywood.

So the bastard from Korea rolls up on the Street Stalker, the Pan and E-H are humming, and I find out that this kid has ridden maybe once when he was six. As he pulled out for a cruise around the block we took bets that he’d pile into a bunch of trash cans, run aground on a curb, or miscalculate a corner, glance off a rusting Cadillac hulk and center-punch the striped pick-up truck across the street. Fortunately, no one would storm out of any of the leaning one-bedroom bungalows on the block screaming, “Look what you’ve done to my car!” Hell, all the cars on the block are stolen.

Christian made it, we saddled up and flew over the Vincent Thomas expansion bridge, much like the Golden Gate Bridge in Frisco, and into Long Beach for pool and tunes at the Blue Cafe. Then we dragged the virgin rider hanging onto the bars as if he were a flag in a gale, while we escorted him to every dive bar in town. When the night was over we made two conclusions: Either he’d buy a scoot Saturday morning, leave his wife and join Sons of Satan, or he’d lock the door to his office and never come out again. We haven’t heard from him since.

Let’s get to the news:

THE SEARCH FOR A DURFEE GIRDER–Yes, I’m looking for a Durfee Girder for the Sturgis West Coast Choppers project. I actually found one through Phil in Maine. Then I lost touch with Phil. Damn. If you know Phil or where I can find a Durfee Girder, let me know quick (bandit@bikernet.com).

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON IS BACK–This release blasted onto my Panhead desk this morning: E-H invites you to visit with them during bike week in Daytona, which is rocking right now. The Road Crew is set at the parking lot on the east end of the Daytona International Speedway.

You can test ride a Super X or Deadwood 2000 model. Both models will be there in stock configuration and fully accessorized. Hey, and they’ve change the front fender and it will be available on some of the models.

A new model will be unofficially unveiled on site. This unnamed motorcycle has a completely new and different front suspension and front fender, not yet seen in the Excelsior-Henderson line.

For those of us who hate to see American ingenuity go to waste, it’s good to hear that the Hanlons are still slugging it out.

BRIAN BAILLIE LEAVES THE PLANET Brian was the marketing guru for S&S Cycles, and a most compassionate, hard-working brother. He dealt with everything and everyone involved in the industry to promote the tradition of the S&S name. He was a young man; he passed away a couple of days ago of a heart attack, while attending a basketball game. We’ll all miss Brian, the astute way he handled business, the gracious manner in which he took care of so many tasks. He was in a stressful position and mentioned the stress of the dealer show followed by Daytona Bike week recently. Just goes to show that you have only one life. Money is nothing compared to the precious minutes we have and lose never to recover. Ride forever, Brian.

HORSE MAGAZINE–I’ve kicked off a series about two bikers who live in Los Angeles on the pages of Horse Magazine. It’s horrible, what happens to these innocent sonsabitches. Watch for it.

SONNY BARGER– is selling his autobiography online, autographed. That’s the word but I’m not sure how you can get an autograph online. He’s the icon of the era, it’s about time someone let him tell his own story instead of all the hype we’ve heard for all these years. Check it out: http://sonnybarger.com/index2.html

WAYNE CURTIN JOINS HARLEY-DAVIDSON AS MANAGER OF GOVERNMENT AFFAIRS– As part of our ongoing efforts to position Harley-Davidson Motor Company to meet the challenges facing our business in the coming years, I am pleased to announce that Tim Hoelter has been named vice president, government affairs. Tim’s title change reflects the responsibilities he is assuming for leading Harley-Davidson’s legislative and political affairs efforts, particularly as they relate to our product lines and service offerings.

Tim joined Harley-Davidson in 1981, holding the position of vice president, general counsel and secretary for 15 years. In recent years he has been working closely with Washington to open overseas markets to our motorcycles, serving on the Department of Commerce’s Industry Sector Advisory Committee on Consumer Goods for Trade Policy Matters.

In connection with this organizational realignment, I am also pleased to announce that Wayne T. Curtin has joined Harley-Davidson Motor Company as manager, government affairs, reporting directly to Tim Hoelter. In this newly created position, Wayne will be responsible for helping plan and execute Harley’s domestic government affairs agenda, managing the Company’s PACs, assisting in gaining approval of Rider’s Edge in various states, and developing positive working relations with key allied groups including rider organizations and industry trade associations. Wayne comes to Harley-Davidson with an extensive background in motorcycle public affairs issues. He is a past trustee of the American Motorcyclist Association and former vice president, government relations of the Motorcycle Riders Foundation, Washington, D.C. He is a member of the subcommittee on motorcycles and mopeds of the Transportation Research Board and continues to serve on the management committee for the AMA’s political action committee. A graduate of the University of South Carolina, Wayne will complete his work towards a master’s degree in public administration while employed by Harley. He and his wife, Rosemary, have relocated to Milwaukee from Columbia, South Carolina.

Jeffrey L. Bleustein Chairman and CEO

MUTHUH’s RIDES– has fired up its Web site for all of ya that can’t get enough riding in real life. Or maybe your old lady won’t let ya go to the rally this year. Whatever your problem is, Muthuh (as in “he’s a real big Muthuh”), has a site that lets you get damned-near real-time travelogues on rides throughout the country. These trips are uploaded with journal and pictures each night when a ride is under way. This year he’s got planned trips to Daytona Beach, the Run For The Wall, Sturgis, and Biketoberfest, with a bunch of smaller overnighters and day trips mixed in between. All right, before ya get all righteous about it, the four major rides are gonna cost a mere coupla bucks, usually $4.95, but all the little ride journals are free and there’s a portion of all of the rides that goes to a charity YOU choose when ya sign up. Go check out www.muthuh.com for the skinny, or just sign up for the mailing list to hear about what Muthuh’s up to. The purpose of the rides are to have a little fun, adventure, let ya know which roads are particularly nice rides and see pictures from that day’s ride. As Muthuh says…”It’s not the destination, fool…It’s the RIDE!”

BEST SPAM AD OF THE WEEK–Treat yourself or loved ones to America’s finest hams or turkeys since l984. These are the best quality and best tasting honey glazed-spiral sliced ready to serve hams and turkey breasts available. Whole smoked and oven roasted turkeys also available. We ship to all 50 states to your door. The perfect meal or gift.

To order please call 1-888-828-9424 or 1-760-436-9202 Mon-Sat 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m. — Sun 10:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m. P.S.T.

MOTORCYCLE DAREDEVIL “SUPER JOE” REED HOSPITALIZED–in fair condition today after he was injured in a practice jump.

Witnesses said Reed, who previously has performed stunts with his 5-year-old son, was attempting a solo 30-foot jump Saturday night when his front tire hit the landing ramp too soon.

He had been scheduled to perform a series of jumps during the weekend at the Reserve hotel-casino.

Reed suffered several broken bones, said Reserve marketing director Michelle Shriver.

In July, Reed jumped his motorcycle 13 feet between ramps while blindfolded and accompanied by his 5-year-old son, “Super Joey,” who rode straddling the bike’s gasoline tank.

Spectators, including Joey’s friends from his day care center, chanted “Jo-ey! Jo-ey!”

TOP NINE SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”

7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”

6. Outstanding record as governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the D.C. thingie?”

4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?”

3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

CAMPBELL WANTS POLICE TO BUY AMERICAN Colorado Senator Says Foreign-Made Motorcycles Just Aren’t Good Enough

Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Colo.) has launched a crusade to convince the Capitol Police to purchase more American-made motorcycles for its fleet.

Campbell raised the issue Tuesday at a hearing of the Senate Appropriations subcommittee on the legislative branch. Although he’s not a member of the subcommittee, the fiery Senator-a member of the full committee-made his presence felt quickly.

“These little foreign bikes, they break down and look like junk,” Campbell said, directing his stare at members of the Capitol Police Board as they waited to testify.

Campbell, who served as a sheriff’s deputy in Sacramento, Calif., in the early 1970s, is irked because he included language in last year’s legislative branch appropriations bill providing $103,000 for the Capitol Police to purchase new motorcycles and encouraging the department to purchase American-made bikes. Out of the current fleet of 46 motorcycles, just three are American.

At the hearing, Campbell-a motorcycle enthusiast whose family owns eight bikes-complained that the foreign cycles did not have the power to support lights or sirens. Therefore, they can’t be used to make traffic stops or to escort foreign delegations.

“I’m gonna rag it till we get rid of these pieces of junk,” Campbell declared. “They’re an eyesore. … Millions of people from around the world come here, and I don’t want our police laughed at.”

From A Band APART– I gotta tell you how grateful I am for Friday’s ride. It was fucking magic.

You guys were as gracious as the day is long. Of course, for lore-building purposes, I’ve embellished the evening’s events ever so slightly when I recount my adventure to friends-it now includes a beating where I kill a man, where we ride in pack formation and drive a cop off the road, etc.

I spoke to the boys at Smith and I’m wrapping my head around 1%ER. Best, Christian

RIP TRIBUTE Gentlemen: I just read the news, about the passing of The Ripper Roo from Berdoo. Definitely sad news, he will be missed, his adventures of the road, and his love of life. I got a feeling, he will be out there In The Wind, with all of us, as we travel to Sturgis, or just down the road to visit our Bros. Ride free forever, Mike Evo, Cohoes, New York

READ ABOUT THE GAS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year on April 30,1999, a gas out was staged across Canada and the U.S. to bring the price of gas down, and it worked. It’s time to do something about it again. O

nly this time let’s make it for three days instead of just one. The so-called oil cartel decided to slow production to drive up gasoline prices. Let’s see how many CanadianAmerican people we can get to ban together for a three-day period in April, NOT TO BUY ANY GASOLINE, during those three days.

LET’S HAVE A GAS OUT. Do not buy any gasoline from APRIL 7, 2000 THROUGH APRIL 9, 2000. Buy what you need before the dates listed above, or after, but try not to buy any during the GAS OUT. If you want to help, just send this to everyone you know and ask them to do the same. We brought the prices down once before, and we can do it again. Come on North America, let’s stand together.

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Even if you receive this 100 times, keep passing it around, this way you know everyone is being informed and no one will forget!

Hey ya’ll- I’m reading a book by Hermann Hesse called “Steppenwolf.” There’s a quote by Joseph Mileck in the introduction where he tries to sum up Hesse’s outlook on life in our times. It hit home with me and I wanted you to hear it…

“Spiritually and culturally, the twentieth century had always appeared most bleak to Hesse. Our era was for him one of moral depravity and intellectual mediocrity, of surface glitter, smug comfort, sham conventionality, and foolish optimism. It is a materialist age where science has become a religion and the final criterion of value is function. Man has lost his soul in this world of money, machines and distrust.

He has exchanged his spiritual peace for physical comfort. With his imagination stunted and his feelings stifled, he no longer appreciates beauty, nor is he capable of real artistic creation. All vital rapport with God and nature has been lost, reason has supplanted faith, and society has forgotten the individual.”

The man had vision, eh. -Tim

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote “small”? “Is it in?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

BIKER ANTI-DISCRIMINATION LEGISLATION ADVANCES IN ARIZONA– By a vote of 6-0 on February 3, 2000, the Senate Transportation Committee unanimously approved SB1475 to send Arizona’s biker anti-discrimination bill on to the Senate Commerce Committee, where the legislation passed by a vote of 6-1 the following week. SB1475, the Equal Access Anti-Discrimination bill sponsored by Senator Keith Bee, who was the keynote speaker at last year’s NCOM >Convention in Phoenix, is expected to be heard on the Senate Floor soon.

”We used the Biker Anti-Discrimination legislative packet from NCOM to determine the exact language that we needed here in Arizona, and we’ve picked up a lot of support in the legislature after adequately explaining our message,” said Roger ”Priest” Hurm, Chairman of the Board of the Modified Motorcycle Association (MMA) of Arizona, and member of the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM) Board of Directors.

”We’re not against dress codes, and we’re not trying to tell businesses how to manage themselves,” explains Priest. ”We’re just saying that you cannot refuse public services to a person just because they ride a motorcycle or look like a biker.” Actually, the state legislature has two pro-motorcycle bills up for consideration, thanks to the hard work of an Arizona motorcyclists’ lobby >team, comprised of a registered lobbyist from each of the state’s three motorcycle organizations (ABATE of Arizona, the MMA of Arizona, and the Arizona Confederation of Motorcycle Clubs).

SB1074 would dedicate $1 per registered motorcycle to the Motorcycle Safety Fund to be used specifically for safety education. The bill, sponsored by Senator Tom Smith, has passed unanimously out of both the Senate Transportation Committee and Appropriations Committee, and it too will soon be voted on by the full Senate.

”Our goal is to add to the fund in the future to help subsidize motorcycle training and make it more affordable for all,” said Priest. ”We’re gonna bring two new Arizona laws with us to Frisco,” he promised, in reference to the upcoming NCOM Convention in San Francisco in May. NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS (NCOM)

THIS IS A GREAT DEAL–NOW THAT I FOUND THE SITE. I TYPE LIKE A CHICKEN PLAYIN’ PIANO. WITH YOUR SITE I CAN POINT AN CLICK. I AM GLAD TO KNOW THERE IS A PLACE TO GO FOR THOSE OF WHO LIKE TO BUILD ‘EM OURSELVES. I AM STILL GOIN’ OVER THE SITE YOU HAVE, I’M NOT A NET NUT BUT THIS LOOKS GOOD. I WILL BE BACK WHEN I CAN TO ENJOY THE STORIES AN’ ALL. KEEP IT UP, BANDIT AN’ CREW. -TOM

CITIBANK FORCES GUN WITHDRAWAL– Financial giant no longer serves “businesses that deal in weapons.” A new corporate policy at Citibank, one of the largest corporate banks in the world, prohibits “maintaining accounts for businesses that deal in weapons,” according to a letter sent from the Las Vegas branch of Citibank to a local pistol club owner.

The letter, dated Feb. 7, said the Nevada Pistol Academy would be forbidden from doing business at the Citibank branch as of Thursday, Feb. 17. The “Notice of Account Closure” said the bank was closing the academy’s checking account and instructed account holders to refrain from making further deposits or writing checks on the account.

After the closing date, “any additional funds remaining in your account on the date of closure will be sent to you in the form of an official bank check,” the letter said.

Chris Lorenzo, director of the academy, said he received the bank’s letter “within 3 or 4 days of opening my account.” He told WorldNetDaily that no one at the bank informed him of Citibank’s policy when he opened his account.

When he called to ask about the cancellation, “they gave me the runaround,” he said. WorldNetDaily placed several calls to Citibank officials with no response.

The letter also stated, “If you have any questions regarding our decision to close your account, please contact our 24-hour customer service telephone number, 800-756-7047 or Text Tel/TTD 800-756-0382.”

FIVE REASONS WHY NEW YORK IS QUIET ON SUNDAYS

1. Jews are all visiting relatives on Long Island.

2. The Italians are putting flowers on graves.

3. The Irish are all sleeping off hangovers.

4. The Puerto Ricans can’t get their cars started.

5. The Poles think it is Tuesday >>

BLIPS FROM THE FACTORY–

Rusty Wallace and Robin Yount to Take Part in Daytona HOG Event NASCAR Winston Cup driver Rusty Wallace and baseball Hall of Famer Robin Yount will be in Daytona Beach to attend the Monday evening Harley Owners Group reception at the Ocean Center as well as a media event scheduled for the same day. Both celebs will take part in the welcome ceremony and meet HOG members at the reception.

TANDEM RIDING BAN Harley-Davidson and the United States Seek Repeal of Japan’s Tandem Riding Ban Harley-Davidson and the U.S. Government made a joint presentation to Japan’s Office of Trade and Investment Ombudsman (OTO) Market Access Council November 24, 1999 in Tokyo asking that Japan’s ban on motorcycle tandem riding on expressways be repealed. Expert witnesses argued that continuing the ban actually forced motorcyclists with passengers to use less safe routes of travel. According to a study conducted by Dynamic Research, Inc. (DRI), a safety research firm retained by Harley-Davidson, riding on motorways in Japan is 13 times safer than riding on ordinary roads and city streets, which have intersections, opposing traffic flows, poor visibility, and mixed vehicle usage. The study also showed that tandem riding actually increases a motorcycle’s stability at motorway speeds, and that motorcyclists who carry a passenger tend to drive more carefully than single riders.

FIRST BUELL BLAST OF THE LINE– The first Buell Blast motorcycle came off the line January 26, 2000 at Buell Motorcycle Co. in East Troy, WI. The first motorcycle went to Erik Buell, chairman and chief technical officer of Buell Motorcycle Co. The second Blast went to Jeff Bleustein, chairman and CEO, Harley-Davidson Motor Co. The third and fourth will be going to the Harley-Davidson Archives and the Trev Deeley museum in Canada. The fifth Blast motorcycle produced will be the first one sold.

MEMORIAL FUNDS ESTABLISHED FOR FALLEN DIRT TRACK RACERS– The motorcycle racing community lost two great people last season when Davey Camlin and Toby Jorgenson died as the result of injuries sustained in separate dirt track racing crashes. Contributions to the Davey Camlin Memorial Fund may be sent to Melissa Camlin at 1303 37th St., Rock Island, IL 61201. Cards and letters may be sent to the same address. Contributions to the Toby Jorgenson Memorial Fund may be sent in his name to the Mokelumne Federal Credit Union, P.O. Box 1717, Lodi, CA 95241. Cards and letters may be sent to the Jorgenson family at 5031 E. Palmer Ave., Stockton, CA 95125.

Nola Vander Meulen Once the object of affection of a Bikernet staffer was recently promoted to a manager position in H-D’s new Rental and Tours Department.

The staffer is still locked in the Pedro basement where he’s sentenced to serve his life tuning Cushmans and doing our laundry. We’ve promised the Factory that said individual will never embarrass Nola again.

SPORTSTER WINS CHAMPIONSHIP CUP SERIES– Dean Hagemann, amateur rider for Kegel Motorcycle Co. Race Team, won the Regional and National Championship titles while riding a Harley-Davidson Sportster motorcycle. This is the first time ever that a Harley-Davidson Sportster has won a Championship Cup Series in the Lightweight Sportsman and Lightweight Supersport Divisions in C.C.S history. The race took place at Blackhawk Farms Raceway in Rockton, IL on September 26th.

AROUND THE WORLD ON A SPORTSTER Andrzej Sochacki recently completed a round-the-world tour of 35 countries and four continents aboard a 1996 Harley-Davidson XL 883 Sportster. He took one year, three months and eight days to complete the journey, and put 56,000 km on the Sportster, which he named Adam. Sochacki, 52, claims to be the only world traveler to complete five around-the-world journeys aboard five different forms of transportation: automobile, airplane, sailboat, train and now, motorcycle.

ELECTRA GLIDE NEARS 400,000 MILES– Albert Vercruysse, 83, resident of Salem, Oregon, has recorded 396,000 miles on his 1988 Electra Glide-on the original Evolution engine. Albert attributes the accumulation of miles to coast-to-coast rides for MDA and to living in Salem, where the weather allows him to ride his bike on a daily basis. In order to keep his bike in top shape, Albert’s dealer performs all maintenance work on the motorcycle. Albert has been riding for about 22 years; his first riding experience occurred in 1977 at the age of 61. Since then he has owned four bikes, all Electra Glides (1980, 1982, 1984, and 1988).

USPS CONSIDERS A LINE OF STAMPS– The United States Postal Service Citizens’ Stamp Advisory Committee is considering the production and release of a series of Harley-Davidson motorcycle stamps in commemoration of Harley-Davidson’s 100th Anniversary in 2003. The committee is currently reviewing two separate Harley-Davidson stamp proposals and plans to make subject and design recommendations to the Postmaster General. If the series is approved, the Harley-Davidson stamps would be announced approximately six months prior to their official First Day of Issue release.

P.J. O’Rourke said– it was OK to go down for a reason but never for a cause. You have access to lots of folks. I would like to have you think about the shitbirds in China. They are getting our money and sending us crap, killing people whom they don’t like and giving us the finger as they read our nuke secrets. If every biker would just look for the little bitty label that says “Made in China” and put it down, it would make a difference. Hey, think about it. Wouldn’t you like to piss Clinton off and screw the Chinese? Almost forty years in some saddle and I can’t let it go. Sorry to hear about Rip. He was cool. Tim Gowder Oak Ridge, TN

POETRY CORNER–This is a small remnant of a massive poem about, well, you’ll get the drift…

ONE BY ONE THEY ARE BARTERED AWAY…. JOBS TO CHINA….TAIWAN….NORWAY; AMERICAN DREAMS ALONG WITH THEIR JOBS; SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER BY BEAUROCRATIC SLOBS….

CONGRESSMEN, PRESIDENTS, CEOS AND JUDGES…. BITTER & GREEDY AND ALL BEARING GRUDGES; HOPING TO FIND RICHES BEYOND EXPECTATION…. IN SELLING AMERICA….OUR ONCE GREAT PROUD NATION.

WHERE ARE THE GOOD GUYS….THE ONES IN WHITE HATS? WHERE ARE THE STATESMEN….PROUD AND EXACT? WHERE ARE THE COWBOYS THAT RODE THE GREAT PLAINS? WHERE ARE THE HEROES WHO NEVER COMPLAINED?

THE TALKING HEADS ON TV SETS…. HAVE BLINDED YOU AND I…. THE HOLLYWOOD GANG HAS PAINTED PICTURES TO BACK THEIR SINISTER LIES.

BUT, LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND CLEAR FOR ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR…. WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I GUARANTEE…. THEIR THUNDER YOU SHALL FEAR….

by George Fry

MORE ON RIP–Thanks for the word on Rip. I wish I could have had the privilege of meeting the man in person, but I will have his many stories from the road and many useful tips to remember him by. Thank you, Rip, and ride with the angels. You fought the good fight.

BAD NEWS CLIPS–In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

TRAILBLAZERS BANQUET– Circle Saturday night, March 25th on your calendar for the finest 21st Century Banquet. Sure, the real new millennium doesn’t begin until next year, but what the hell. The location is the same as last year, the Sequoia Club in Buena Park. The dinner tab is $35 each, if pre-paid. If you’re caught at the door it’s 40 bucks. The hour of charm kicks off at 6:00 p.m. with dinner served at 7:00.

If you’re arriving to bench race and drool on the motorcycles on display, they’ll be arriving from 3:00 on. This year’s theme is honoring BSA, along with some of those who made the brand famous, from riders to dealers. In addition to honoring the lads from Birmingham Small Arms fame, we’ll also be inducting our Hall of Fame nominees.

Please join us in kicking off the 21st Century in true world class style at our forthcoming Banquet. For info you can call (714) 962-7028.

OUTLAWS’ M/C SITE– Check out the Outlaws Motorcycle Club site. It’s well done and bad ass. www.outlawsmc.com/.

THE ULTIMATE INSURANCE– From Maxim magazine comes the ultimate insurance story written by Richard Baimbridge. Insurance company Goodfellow, Rebecca, Ingrams, Pearson comes a $1 million dollar policy against insurance abduction. “According to company spokesman Simon burgess, the London firm has sold more than 42,000 policies worldwide for $100 each, with 90 percent of the business coming from the U.S. The company also offers a full line of coverage for mundane concerns, like being stricken with impotence on Valentine’s Day. Recently 600 prostitutes took out policies insuring them against employment-threatening backache. ‘”We insure against any eventuality-we never turn down a risk,”‘ says Burgess.

“A St. Lawrence Agency, located in Florida, will insure you for $10 million against UFO abduction for a single lifetime premium of only $19.95… In 1991 an abduction claim for an individual in upstate New York was approved. ‘”He met all the requirements for proof,”‘ says president Mike St. Lawrence, ‘”including a possible implanted alien tracking device.”‘ The lucky abductee now receives one dollar a year for the next 10 million years.”

LAST SATURDAY–I rolled north along the coast to visit a restoration expert, Fred Lange. He was once noted for his Indian restorations, but has since turned his attentions to Harleys in their teens. Now get this. There are companies in Europe and the U.S. making reproduction gas tanks, seats, fenders and front ends for these bikes. I was after a set of flat track tanks, a seat, a fender blank and perhaps a headlight for a oldy-looking Shovelhead I’m building with Rick Fairless at Dallas Easyriders. Pricey stuff, but available. After a tour of his facility we rode down the coast for dinner with the famous crotchety restoration expert, Mike Egan in Santa Paula. If you need anything for old Harleys and have the big candy to pay for it call Mike (805) 933-1557.

On Sunday the sensual goddess of metal mayhem with the human form lit up the shed. Yvonne Mecalis, an extraordinary artist, and her husband came to the shed hanging off a San Pedro cliff and we hung out until Agent Zebra made a menace of himself pulling burnouts in the back yard on the Street Stalker so we cuffed him and escorted his scrawny ass to the airport-send him back to Miami where he’s working on a chopper with Billy at Choppers Ink. Then the race is on to Sturgis. Hang on.

Ride forever, Bandit

That’s right, Rip passed on to the great chromed-asphalt-strip in the sky February 18. He was the on-the-road reporter for Easyriders for 20 years. A member of the Diablos motorcycle club for some 30 years, they allowed him to retire to persue his journalistic career with the magazine so he could ride with any group. Rip fought a valiant battle against diabetes related cancer for over three years, which ended Friday morning. Rip died in his sleep while his family stood by.

In September, Rip was nominated to the Sturgis Motorcycle Hall of Fame. Just hours after his passing, his family received the call. Rip will be inducted Aug. 9, 2000 into the Sturgis Motorcycle Hall of Fame. “I’ll never forget how humble and proud he was to be included as even a nominee,” said a family member.

Rip’s family is having a small intimate funeral service. It was his wish that bikers who knew and enjoyed his work support Rip’s Bad Ride as a showing of respect for him. The 3rd Annual BAD (Bikers Against Diabetes) Ride will be held June 11, 2000 in Los Angeles. East Coast events are being planned now. Rip’s family hopes for a banner year in Rip’s memory. If you can’t make it, his family asks that remembrances be sent to the American Diabetes Association, Attn: Laurie Stevens, 6300 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 100, Los Angeles, CA 90048. Cards for Rip’s family can be sent to April Eberly, 1816 Capri Avenue, Mentone, CA 92359.

On With the News

I spent the weekend battling the Chicago snowstorms on my way to Indy for the 32nd annual Dealer Expo. The Indy Dealer Show is all about sharing info about new products and service for bikers of all sorts. One of the problems with the historic Indy extravaganza is that there are booths and displays throughout the various floors of this building, in the halls, back rooms, conference rooms and closets. If you’re a bike dealer/shop owner, you need to come with your fast-walking tennis shoes on to cover the expansive grounds. The Harley aftermarket is spread all over the goddamn place. But here are some highlights:

Saturday morning I finally caught a jet with the balls to fly out of snowbound Chicago to Indy and stumbled into the show in the early afternoon. Custom Chrome is now building a performance engine and we should have an article on it in the next couple of weeks. Their design is to build an affordable engine for the market. I found out during the day that Patrick Racing, who builds a line of performance engines, only builds 200 a year. They are pure billet aluminum and he’s currently building a very different looking 113-inch monster. These monsters are built entirely in America and if you have a Patrick mill in your scoot, you know it from the way it runs–to the looks. Patrick is now making a very sharp exhaust system to match. The most crucial aspect of tuning for performance is the exhaust, ’cause usually it’s fixed, making its element of the ignition/carburetion/exhaust formula impossible to tune. If you don’t choose the right exhaust, you’re fucked. I suppose I could have soft-pedaled that, but fuck it. For information on Patrick’s line of motors call him at (714) 554-Race. Oh, as a point of reference Patrick makes 200 mills a year, TP Engineering builds 1,500-2,000 and S&S builds 20,000 engines a year. That’s a rolling fireball of aftermarket power.

Hold on–AVON tyres is fabricating a 250 series tire. Before long we’ll be able to ride on water.

Here’s a hot one. Custom Cycle Engineering, the manufacturer of the hottest, most comfortable, coolest risers on the planet, has now come out with an equally chopperized starter motor switch. It bolts directly to the starter and looks as if it’s apart of it. This way you get an absolutely direct connection to the solenoid and there is no wiring, no remote starter button, no bad connections, and no smoked wires. Call ’em for info on their dogbone risers or this new starter switch, which I plan to buy for my Jesse James Chopper for the ride to Sturgis (keep it simple damnit!). Ask for Rick (800) 472-9253.

When it comes to down-home shit and wild apparel the company that seems to be rockin’ the world is Chrome Specialties owned by Custom Chrome, Inc. Hell, they even have the balls to carry the entire line of West Coast Choppers digs and a line of Prison Blues. When you buy Prison Blues threads, a donation goes to the prison system. For the dope on it, check out www.chromespecialties.com.

Have you ever seen big Mike Griffin play guitar? He is the biker-blues Jimmy Hendrix. He’s unbelievable. You can catch the big man if you’re puttin’ to Myrtle Beach this year, May 18,19, and 20th, at the 2001 nightclub. Don’t miss Big Mike live in concert. www.BigMikeGriffin.com.

In one of the massive showrooms the engineers of this rolling nighmare put most of the clone manufacturers. I spoke to Roger Borget who, with his ambitious wife at his side, can’t build enough bikes. If you’re familar with his low slung monsters, you’ll know what a genius this guy is, and what a unique bike he produces. He is now making short front end versions of his bikes and they look pure low, wide and bad. Roger is located in Phoenix. I also spoke to Nick, “The Knife,” the president of Big Dog. He just slurred his words and dared me to start one of his bikes and ride it around the stadium. Oscar, the president of Pure Steel, told me all about his arrangement with Penthouse magazine. Titan has the Playboy contract and now Oscar worked out a deal with Penthouse to make a line of clothing for the slinky magazine and a line of limited edition bikes for the upcoming anniversary of the magazine. Whereas Big Dog has the fine reputation of building the most reliable, best cared for custom, Pure Steel has the rep for building the most tightly designed, best detailed manufactured customs on the market. These bikes look like a custom in every sense of the word. Check Pure Steel at www.pure-steel.com, and I’ll bet Big Dog is at www.bigdog.com. You may see some Big Dogs on Bikernet before too long. If your interests lie in a fast, very fast, reliable custom, ride a 107-inch Big Dog. You won’t be disappointed.

Here’s a couple of companies to keep up on. Baker Drivetrain houses the young man who developed the first 6-speed transmission. This was Bert’s second year in Indy. The first was a year of fear and trepidation. He’s a young man with a new product coming to the mountain, but the response was phenomenal and he’s back this year with a resounding success story. Check him out at bakerdrivetrain.aol.com. Another source for performance clutches and go-fast parts for 20 years has always been the proven Rivera Engineering. Now an old buddy of the industry works with the main man Mel. Ben Kudon is there to see that you get what you want, when you want it. Check www.primoproducts.com.

All right, it’s time to get to the news, but first I’ll mention a couple more companies. First Victory motorcycles. If you want to watch a company grow, watch the Victory company. In fact I would like to see Victory sponsor the Victor McLaglen Motor Corp. We’ll be putting those two groups together shortly. I spoke to Harry Fisher about the motor corp yesterday. This group of riders has been around since 1937 entertaining crowds at bike event and in parades ever since. Harry became a member in 1962 and undoubtly they will be performing at the Love Ride in November. They are finally going to allow a coporate sponsor on board to see them into the new millenium. Hell, they’ll be at every major event in the country puttin’ around with some 22 team members on one bike in a world-record stunt. Perhaps we’ll see if a Victory can hold up under the pressure.

I met with Billy from Choppers Inc. in Melbourne, Florida. He and Jesse James are the new bucks in the chopper world and they love every minute of it. In fact Bikernet is working with these guys to build two rigids for the ride to Sturgis this year. Agent Zebra and I will fight from coast to coast for votes to see who has the coolest chop on the globe this August. You’ll see the whole tamale take place as my step-son Jesse James launches his grizzled old dad to the Badlands for the 13th time. It’ll be the ride of a lifetime. You can find the wildness of Bikernet East at www.choppersinc.com. We’ll be featuring one of Billy’s bike shortly, if I can sober up the Agent long enough to write the story.

Oh, I want to thank Ron Bender for the go-cart competition on Saturday night in Indy. Ron owns Bender Cycle somewhere in the Mideast. We had a helluva time competing with the Custom Chrome gang, the evil bastards of Mid USA, the panty pirates from Nempco, and the guys in white from Biker’s Choice. I’m still getting over the 40 mph bruises.

All right, all right, one final thought. If you just feel nasty, hungover, and pissed off, send the man responsible for many of the fine Custom Chrome designs, John Reed, an e-mail. He doesn’t like friends, the industry, or people in general. I’m not sure if his wife even talks to him. He’s the nastiest man on two wheels and he’s proud of it. He’s like a strong bloody mary after a long night at the bar. He’s like menudo after the dry heaves. He’s worse than agent Zebra even on a bad night. Write him, will ya, auga@ix.netcom.com. You won’t have to say much. It doesn’t matter. He won’t like it. Oh, he designed the entire Mirage line for CCI. Give ’em hell. Now the news:

Lessons To Be Learned In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

BROTHERS LOOKOUT, THEY’RE INTRODUCING THE CADDYPAC What is a CaddyPac? It is the first and only golf bag specifically designed for players who love the freedom of riding and the game of golf.

This new bag has a sleek design, holds a full set of clubs, and has plenty of storage space for shoes, balls, and tees. So what’s so great about this bag you’re wondering? This is the first and only golf bag that can travel from home to the course on your motorcycle.

Their special design allows for full safety, mobility, and balance as you ride with the wind in your face to your favorite course. And once you arrive, the CaddyPac can stay right where it is-on your back-for those of you who like to walk the miles of fairways and greens. But for the rest of you, take the bag off your shoulder, lock it into place, load it on your cart and it’s tee time.

Want to learn more about the Caddypac? Visit their Web site www.caddypac.com and for wholesale ordering log onto www.caddypac.comwholesale.htm

PLUG FOR TROCK TOOLS Bandit, In your Tech Tips section dealing with cam installation, Wordman could have used The Trock tools: valve travel checker and cam end play tool, which is new by the way. They are very affordable and easy to use.

Hangover Recovery Method #3333331385605937 When I used to work at Glaxo-the big pharmaceutical company-it was widely known amongst the employees that our big ulcer drug, Zantac, when taken before and after a drinking session, would absolutely eliminate a hangover…been there and done it too many times not to deny it-and now it is over the counter in half-doses…just take two…..researchers found that out when the ulcer test subjects-mostly drinkers-reported it as the #1 side benefit-they all said, “Fuck the ulcer, gimme more to keep my hangovers to a minimum!

Muthuh

ZEBRA TO HEADQUARTERS…This is Zebra, come in America. Am marooned in Far East. Requesting helicopter extraction ASAP. Low on rations. Lower on money. No scoots except for strange Desepls and NiSaps. Where’s all the tit you promised me? You lying bastard. I come to South Korea to establish Bikernet Far East and this is what I get? Jesus, man, it’s 40 below zero over here! You said it would be warm, “balmy” was the word you used. You call frozen anti-freeze balmy?! A man needs mittens on his nutsack just to get over the Kahn Bridge and I haven’t even started for the DMZ. You can establish North Korea yourself. My sources in Seoul tell me those fuckers are eating each other up there, things are so bad. Cannibalism man!

For God’s sake, where’s that chopper? This is a real mess you’ve landed me in this time, you sorry cocksucker. Yeah, I got your photos. And I’ll be putting them up your ass if I can smuggle them out of this distant Mongol outpost. The people who developed my shots from the party last night told me I could be “shot for subversive material” and then closed their doors and locked me out. Swine! Nobody ever said anything about all these commie rules! You lied to me, you evil bastard.

You said it was free Korean pussy and cheap island whiskey. The women here fear me. They call me Dimsum, which means “too big for life,” I think. Anyway, they ain’t putting out and I’m taking the first junk out of port. And just in case you need verification of my position in South Korea, I’m switching this keyboard over to its native language to let you have a look for yourself. Imagine trying to ride a Daewoo scoot in this fuckin’ madman traffic with street signs that look like this: ?*?*?????=???????”???*?????*?????????*?*????! There, what do you think of that? That’s the Korean alphabet and you can stick up your lying ass.

Balmy, I’ll show you balmy when I get back to the States. Balmy will be when your dump shed is burning down around your lying ass, that’ll be balmy all right. Oh and by the way, ???????*??! *?**?*??! That’s Korean for “You swim with the fishes.”

Zebra, Bikernet.com Far EastSeoul, Korea02.21.00

HARLEY-DAVIDSON ANNOUNCES TWO-FOR-ONE STOCK SPLIT AND QUARTERLY DIVIDEND: The Board of Directors today announced that it approved a two-for-one split of Harley-Davidson’s stock effective for shareholders of record on March 22 and payable on April 7. The Board of Directors also approved a quarterly cash dividend of 4.5 cents per share for shareholders of record on March 15 and payable on March 27.

Let’s celebrate. The sun is shinning, the stock is up, it’s time to ride.

A STORY ABOUT GRANDMA BANDIT Ol’ grandma Bandit wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, “I want to join your biker club.”

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So they biker asks her, “You have a bike?”

The little old lady says, “Yeah, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her “Do you smoke?” The little old lady says

“Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”

The biker is impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”

The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”

H-D VR 1000 Superbike Team Tests New Components Milwaukee (Feb. 22, 2000), The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Team tested several new components at Laguna Seca Raceway in Monterey, California, on Tuesday, February 15.

“The VR team continually designs, develops and tests new engine, chassis, suspension, electrical and drivetrain components,” said Team Manager Steve Scheibe. “We’ve had a busy off-season with an aggressive development schedule that enabled us to test several significant new parts before Daytona.”

The most visible of the new parts tested by the VR team at Laguna Seca was an all-new swingarm, which also required the modification of several key components, including the exhaust system, rear shock linkage, and bellypan. Riders Pascal Picotte and Scott Russell each tested VRs fitted with the new swingarm.

“We suspected we had a problem with the swingarm last season, which was particularly troublesome to Scott at certain tracks,” said Team Manager Steve Scheibe. “With his feedback, we redesigned the swingarm. Both riders reported improved handling with the new set up we tested last week.”

“The new setups we tested at Laguna were really, really good,” said Picotte. “The new swingarm and linkage improve traction and give better feedback.”

“I’m happy with the results of the test and happy with the new swingarm,” said Russell.

The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Team will be testing today at Roebling Road Raceway in Savannah, Georgia.

WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES

1. We know stuff about tanks

2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase

3. We can open all our own jars

4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group

5. We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name

6. We can leave a motel bed unmade

7. We can kill our own food

8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

9. Wedding plans take care of themselves

10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend

11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack

12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices

13. Everything on our face stays the original color

14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough

15. We don’t have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming

16. Car mechanics tell us the truth

17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He must be mad at me.”

18. Same work-more pay

19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character

20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift

MICROSOFT AND HARLEY-DAVIDSON SET TO MERGE– The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the world’s largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the world’s largest producer of V-Twin motorcycles [with push-rod engines, that go “Potato-Potato”], have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the world’s largest multi-national corporations.

“When you think about it, it only makes sense,” said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. “We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this natural marriage as synergy. Or syzygy. We’re not certain yet.”

Microsoft representatives declined to comment, pending a Justice Department review. However, incriminating e-mails will be available soon. There are rumors that senior executives see the merger as “One up the ass for that bastard Jobs.”

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington, nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle on-line that buying a few counties is not out of the question. The Vatican City has expressed interest.

Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 – an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsoft’s example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market. When upgraded, the bike will lose about 10mph off its top speed, unless you fit a new, much larger, gas tank.

HOG spokesman, Larry “Lardarse” McBigButt, said of the merger: “Y’all [incomprehensible] [distorted] [unprintable] [unintelligible], round heah, Boy!”

M-D’s software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. “Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate,” said Piehl. “And, of course, there will be a waiting list for the most popular programs.” It will now be possible to classify bugs as “character” and charge a premium for them. However, the moment you install your new software, you will be able to call in Screaming Eagle, who will fine tune it – by fitting an IMMENSE 300watt soundcard and BIG speakers.

You will have to work at your M-D workstation with your right leg cocked out at a ridiculous, child bearing angle, to clear the air intake for the CPU fan.

Fears have risen regarding the formation of the proposed high-low tech monolith. Software developers and aftermarket providers claim that the MicroHog’s design will not run competing programs or aftermarket accessories, effectively creating a monopoly in both personal computer operating systems and heavyweight cruiser motorcycles and accessories.

GREAT SITE We were recently in Florida serving food at festivals and different events. We had the opportunity to have as a patron at one of our festival sites, a biker from Ocala, FL. He and his lady enjoyed our food and asked us to cook for a bike run and 50th birthday bash for him. We did and I had a chance to meet some of the most patriotic Americans I have ever met in my 52 years on this planet!

Thanks, George Fry “Aunt Mamie’s BBQ” “Aunt Mamie’s Cajun Cuisine”

The Light Side Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Son of famed stuntman Evel Knievel– jumped a moving locomotive Wednesday in a 200-foot, ramp-to-ramp motorcycle stunt on live television.

An estimated 10,000 people gathered along the eastern Texas tracks to watch as Robbie Knievel took off on a motorcycle just before a Texas State Railroad locomotive plowed into the wooden ramp.

Knievel landed safely on the other side, then ran to the top of the ramp to wave to the crowd. “That was close,” he said, smiling and out of breath.

In a state that leads the nation in vehicle-railroad collisions, the stuntman offered several disclaimers before the jump. “Anybody out there that tries this is out of their mind,” the 37-year-old told the Palestine Herald-Press in Wednesday’s editions. Texas Railroad Commission Chairman Michael Williams asked Fox TV to show public-service announcements about train safety during the program because of fears the jump might trivialize the dangers. The agency says U.S. drivers are 40 times more likely to die in a collision with a train than in a crash with another vehicle.

“Robbie is a professional stuntman and this is not to suggest that anyone should try anything like this at home,” a Fox TV spokeswoman in Los Angeles, who declined to be identified, said Wednesday.

Dear Sirs, I would just like to write in and say how informative and interesting your site is. I especially like the tips on how to plant tulip bulbs in early spring. I would also say that you should write something about how to keep Girl Scouts from floating back to the surface when you bury them in the marshy soils of New Orleans. Yours, Martha Stewart

Kid Rock– nominated for Best New Artist and Best Hard Rock Performance, performed live at the 42nd annual Grammy Awards on Wednesday, February 23, and shared the spotlight with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. After performing his nominated song, “Bawitdada,” and a cover of Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re An American Band,” Kid Rock left the stage in style aboard a 2000 Harley-Davidson FLHTCUI Ultra Classic Electra Glide with sidecar; http://www.grammy.com/grammycam/549.html Note: While I’d like to say Kid Rock’s Harley sidecar was the talk of the Grammys, sadly, it was not. It was just too hard to top the outstanding performance by Jennifer Lopez.

BURNIN’ DAYLIGHT UPDATE #2: Week two of the making of “Burning Daylight, L.A.” is well under way in Los Angeles and as near as this reporter can tell, nobody has slept since the filming began almost fourteen days ago. As we spoke last week, Zebra was seriously injured when a woman blew a stop sign in an SUV and nailed him as he blasted north on Pacific Coast Highway. The SUV T-boned Zebra at roughly 50 miles an hour and threw him across the highway, where he was then struck again by a truck traveling in the other direction. The Streetstalker was wrapped up in a tow truck sling, its pieces swept into a sack and thrown on the back and dragged off to Bartel’s Harley-Davidson in Marina Del Rey. Zebra was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital and X-rayed for cranial and neck injuries. He was later released with a fractured skull, a fractured elbow and a severe concussion and with orders to remain in bed for at least a week and to check back in with the doctors every day. Of course, Bandit immediately had a new scoot under the at-times incoherrent Zebra and the show went on. After a savage dose of straight jack Daniel’s, Zebra was feeling less like a busted mess and more like a biker again. Zebra also sustained a serious dent where his H&K .45 was rammed into his side sometime during the crash. A few hours after Zebra’s release from the emergency room, Bandit was arrested after a grudge race spawned by Zebra’s chiding during a drinking session at a biker bar in Long Beach. It seemed as if they’d gotten away with the mad run across the harbor, hitting speeds in exess of 120 miles an hour through town, but as they neared Bandit’s hilltop casa, a swarm of heavily armed San Pedro cops and Port Police descneded upon the entire cast and crew. Both ends of the street were quickly filled with nervous cops and sideways squad cars. There was initial talk of taking director, Marko, to jail as well, but with some fancy lying and a solid poker face, the Destroyer was able to keep himself out of the can with a warning for filming without permits. His expired Florida plates on his unregistered ’81 Vette, which he was using to keep up with the hopped-up scoots for filming, didn’t help matters. Bandit got popped for no insurance, expired plates, and a host of other violations, including drag racing, speeding, reckless endangerment, resisting arrest and threatening a police officer (“I’ll feed you your own nuts in your wife’s skull.”) Zebra managed to keep himself out of bracelets by slicing thorugh the oncoming roadblock and blowing off into the hills just as the net closed. Luckily Zebra got away clean and was able to make Bandit’s bail with the money from the nude photo shoot, which he and Bandit had loaned their motorccycles to do earlier in the day. Of course this leaves the lads short for the money to throw the party, but the accounting doesn’t seem to be bothering anyone as they charge ahead through the mud, the blood and the beer. I frankly don’t see them ever living long enough to finish the project, but we’ll keep you posted. Joseph Smithee, film correspondent at large, reporting for Bikernet.com Week Two, “Burnin’ Daylight, L.A.”

IN CLOSING– A storm blew through here last night, knocked all my shit off the deck, had me duckin’ for cover. In the rain Harry Fisher and I discussed the history and the future of the Victor McLaglen Motor Corp in an interview for Hot Rod Bikes magazine. I received a call from Indian, and I may be interviewing one of the new heads of that company. We’ll pry away at their direction and find out what’s going on. I also may be talking chopper lingo and shit with one of the founders of our wild era, Ed “Big Daddy” Roth.

It was good to see the industry smiling in Indy, good to crack a couple of ribs on the go-cart track, good to meet new people and see what’s up. Don’t forget to drop Rip’s family a card, e-mail that sonuvabitch John Reed, and ride like she’s finally waiting for you. When you’re finally at her side, treat her like she’s the only woman on earth.

Ride forever, Bandit

E-Mail Valerie

What’s up? Hell, I wish I knew. The sun decided to break out of theclouds, the Street Stalker is repaired, I’ve got parts being dipped inchrome for the Excelsior-Henderson, and I’m trying to fix the rubbing reartire on the Touring chopper, before I smoke the entire paint job, with thehelp of modified shocks from Works Performance.

You’ll notice we have a couple of construction sites going for S&Sand Daytec. More fiction should be up shortly. Finally this week should seethe Bartels’ Sportster Performance tech launched, and if the stars are inproper alignment, we’ll see “Snake’s Projector Room” come alive. That is,if the good Dr. Dewey is awake and functioning.

Ah, but there’s always something new at bikernet. Yes, the agentZebra has come up with an evil plot for the future. A competition betweenbikernet east and bikernet west. We are both building rigid choppers toride to Sturgis this year. On the way out and while we’re romping andstomping from one party to the next we will be collecting votes as to whichchop in the coolest. It might be which chop makes it, but I know mine willwith flying colors. Hell, I rode a Jesse James chop to the Badlands in ’97(see West Coast Choppers). You’ll be able to watch both bikes come togetherright hear on bikernet. Zebra’s is being built by Choppers Inc. inMelbourne, Florida. We’ve even got the girls involved. We’ll have a babehawking votes in the Badlands, one is here finding Mardi Gras beads to giveto voters, and Zebra is trying to steal parts from me as we speak. Shit,it’s only February, I don’t want to think about it.

Oh, and I promise to have Sam “Orwell” printed and on the streetsin a month, well, maybe six weeks. Listen, anyone want to buy my Excelsioror a ’46 Indian chief to help me out. That’s it, let’s get to the news.

Before we get to the meat of things, the following is an example ofhow this tight unit of creative heads works:

Bandit,We need to get a page on the homepage called “The GreatChopper Showdown”, with a sub reading, “Bandit and Zebra go tire to tire.”Inside there will be a Towle special showing you and I, on a stage,standing proudly next to our opposing, gleaming choppers. We should bothlook very defiant and proud. One side should read, “Bikernet.com West”,one “Bikernet.com East”. Then copy which I will write, will tell thebikers what’s going down and how to vote at Sturgis. See if you can getour whinny digital bitch to do this sometime before Sturgis.

Zebra

Dear ScumTowle, We’re having a contest to see who can buildthe “Baddest” chopper for Sturgis. We are going to have the bikers vote atSturgis. We need ballots. You are hereby ordered to cease with thesodomization of your niece and craft something which can be torn in themiddle, one end dropped into a ballet box, the other a heavenly keepsakewhich the biker can retain and rub against his balls on those cold lonelynights when the dope runs out and the demons come calling. Copy:(HEADER)BIKERNET CHOPPER SHOWDOWN VOTING TICKET(LEFT END) Slash along dotted line,put this end in the ballot box of the chopper of your choice. (RIGHT END)Keep this end to rub on your balls (tits) during the cold, lonely nightswhen your dope runs out and the demons come calling.

There also needs to be some sort of visual of Bandit and I standing nextto opposing, gleaming choppers. By the way, send my fuckin’ picture back tomy Miami (bikernet east) address toot sweet: I’m getting lots of staticfrom the old lady. Get cracking mo-fo.

P.S. I got chunks of guys like you in my shit.

Zebra

Now, that’s creative pussy-whipped genius at work. And now for the news:

IT’S LOVE BETWEEN FORMER COCA COLA PRESIDENT AND INDIAN–The board of directors of the Indian Motorcycle Company(R) announcedthe appointment of Henry Schimberg as the executive chairman of the IndianMotorcycle Company.

Schimberg, the recently retired president and CEO of Coca-ColaEnterprises Inc. (NYSE:CCE) — a Fortune 200 company and the world’slargest marketer, producer and distributor of beverages of The Coca-ColaCo. — is among the group of investors responsible for the rebirth of theIndian Motorcycle Company over the past year. Schimberg’s appointment wasannounced during a financial presentation at the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan.

“Henry Schimberg has had an exceptional career in the beverageindustry, building both companies and their brands,” said Indian MotorcycleCompany President Rey Sotelo in describing Schimberg’s role at Indian. “Welook forward to having Henry as a key leader and mentor of our managementteam.”

Schimberg said: “I feel success is determined by defining theoperational culture within a company and motivating its employees towardthe achievement of stated goals. I am looking to establish this consistencyof purpose with all departments and personnel at Indian.”

Schimberg returns to the boardroom and workplace after some sixweeks in retirement. A career-long veteran of the soft drink and bottlingindustry, Schimberg started his career as a driver-salesman for Royal CrownBottling Co. of Chicago. He rapidly advanced to management and executivepositions, and became president and COO of Johnston Coca-Cola BottlingGroup in 1982, a position he retained when it merged with Coca-ColaEnterprises. He was elected president and CEO in 1998.

UGLY JOKES–Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.

How do you know when you’re REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with theireyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom? Say, “Nicedick.”

How do you know you’re leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tellsyou, “Let’s just be friends.”

V-TWIN HOLDINGS ANNOUNCED– it has reached a definitiveagreement to acquire five Bikers Dream motorcycle superstores, rights to theBikers Dream license at 16 independent Bikers Dream dealerships, and theBikers-Dream.com web site from Bikers Dream, Inc.(Nasdaq: BIKR) in atransaction valued at approximately $3.5 million. V-Twin said theacquisition is a significant advance in its strategy to be the leading motorcycle portalfor consumers and dealers alike.V-Twin intends to build a nationwide motorcycling business that combinesa strong retail network with customer affinity groups, e-commerce, directmarketing and on-line business-to-business services for dealers.

BikersDream will become a cornerstone of V-Twin’s activities in the “heavy cruiser”category. Herm Rosenman, Chairman and CEO of Bikers Dream, Inc., will lendhis experience and expertise to the growing company by becoming a Directorof the Board of V-Twin. The transaction will be accounted for as an assetpurchase, is planned to close later this month, and is subject to closingadjustments.

Bikers Dream superstores sell and service high quality heavy cruisersincluding Ultra Motorcycles, other U.S.-manufactured ‘customs’ and pre-ownedHarley-Davidsons in Santa Ana, San Diego and Sacramento, California; Dallas,Texas; and Conover, North Carolina. In addition to these five owneddealerships, V-Twin is acquiring rights to the Bikers Dream brand name whichis licensed by 16 dealers in 14 states that operate under the “Bikers Dream”

For additional information visit V-Twin’s web site athttp://www.vtwin.net, or contact: Lisa LaMagna, LaMagna Communications,Inc.,lamagna@mindspring.com, 516-668-4979; or contact Richard Paone, President,V-Twin Holdings, richpaone@aol.com, 212-539-0768.

REFLECTIONS–Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. ThenI look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all oftheir hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out ofwork, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It isbetter that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to beselfish & worry about my liver.” Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Time is never wasted when you’rewasted all the time. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack ofalcohol.Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that trulygives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. When I read about theevils of drinking, I gave up reading. Life is a waste of time, time is awaste of life, so get wasted all of the time, and have the time of your life.

ZEBRA CALLING RED MOTHER Do you read, Red Mot(radio dropout)?R(radio dropout)other, this is Zebra, do yo(radio dropout)ead, over? Ifyou are receiving this transmission, all is well in The Republic ofGlamour. Have established a beach head in Miami Beach, South Beach to beexact. Resistance was light, after a brief firefight with local insurgentsI managed to plant the bikernet.com flag in firm soil- just add water,makes its own sauce.

A gay dress maker complained that he held a lease orsome such nonsense on the region I colonized, but I dispatched him with afirm boot in the ass. I last saw the buggered lout heading north, weeping.Casualties were light, but much ordinance was expended and it could takesome time to rebuild relations with the folks who underestimated the powerof my herbal teas- which I passed out on arrival.

Have made contact withBilly Lane at Choppers Inc., in Melbourne. Construction to begin on ElTorro Zebra at once. Lane says entire motorcycle frame will be hewn fromtightly spun virgin vagina hair. The jugs will be commie femur bored out to100 inches.

By the way, Lane is a savage dope fiend and we shouldpublicize this extensively. My sources tell me he mainlines China White byinjecting it directly into the eyeball with a rusty rake tine. He also hasan addiction to chrome cleaner vapors, which is very hush, hush.

Forhandle bars we’ve decided to use the horns from an old bucking bull friendof mine, Widowmaker. Need a gardener. Please send the Chinaman immediately.Pussy count here is high, repeat, pussy count is high. This beach istopless, mister- no surprises. You should arrange a journey to our eastmostoutpost ASAP. Don’t expect much writing for the first six to eight months.In fact, you’re lucky I’m writing at all, considering the quality ofsupermodel tail strolling around with their knockers out. Come to think ofit, why am I writing to you at all? Over and out.

Zebra, reporting fromThe Republic of Glamour, Bikernet.com/east

THREE COPORATE LESSON TO LIVE BY:Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. Asmall rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and donothing all day long?”

The crow answered: Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the groundbelow the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on therabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing,you must besitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.”They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach thefirst branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, hereached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudlyperched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’tkeep you there.

Lesson Number Three:A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the birdfroze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay therein the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dungwas actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came toinvestigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under thepile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

ROBBIE KNIEVEL PLANS TO LAUNCH HIS ALL OVER A MOVING TRAIN– Yesit’s true, the motorcycle daredevil will stand tall against a 1917 steamengine at Texas State Railroad State Historical Park during a prime timenational telecast on F. 23 on FOX. Yeah, he’s actually going for it. Jesus!

ILLITERATE? WRITE, TODAY, FOR HELP–

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, You’llnever go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals andsacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner special -Turkey $2.25; Chicken or beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

BIKERS DREAM ANNOUNCES SOMETHING–Sales of new motorcycles from the company’s Ultra Motorcyclemanufacturing plant for January 2000 were up 51% over the comparable periodin 1999. This represents a 38% increase in the number of units shipped. Theincrease reflects increased demand for the company’s products, improvedcapacity and manufacturing efficiencies and the introduction of a new model.

This new model represents an industry first for an establishedmanufacturer, with its standard 113 cubic inch motor and 230 millimeterrear tire.

In connection with a lawsuit brought against Bikers Dream and twoformer members of its management by a former franchisee, verdicts wererecently rendered against the defendants. There are several post-trialmotions that are pending, including one seeking a new trial. Until thesemotions are decided by the court, no judgment will be entered against thedefendants. Rulings favorable to the company on these motions would result inpayment by the company of approximately $70,000, which it will not dispute.If the motions are not decided in favor of the company, it will appeal theremainder of the judgment, which may total approximately $600,000. Thecompany believes it has a sound basis for appeal, although no assurancescan be given.

BRIGHT-GUY AWARDS– In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewergrate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

ALTERNATORS FOR PANHEADS–The following is tech advise on runningan aftermarket alternator on a generator motor. They put out the juice likea thunderstorm over the rockies, but there are some obstacles includingboiling small displacement batteries. The alternator will do that with oneof the puny 5.5A batteries, like I used to run. The regulator overchargesthem. I went to a 12A (you can use a14A of the same series, too). I had to cobble up a wood & metal spacer toraise the battery in the oil tank since the overflow wouldn’t fit downinside. (The rest of the battery clears by about 1/4-inch on each side.)

Then I used a cheap, but dense, computer mouse pad to protect the sidesof the battery and built a spacer for the front. The spacer allows me to easilyremove the battery while holding it secure while I ride. To limit up anddown travel under the seat, I used wood and the mouse pad material to builda tapered spacer that fits perfectly without applying any unnecessarydown force on the battery.

Like I said, right now, the battery supportsystem is not pretty–kinda looks like a prototype setup–but it worksslicker than snot. And that alternator hasn’t given me a lick of trouble,either.

The above info came from a bikernet reader, who is working on a completetech on installing alternators to generator motors–watch for it.

ZEBRA GOES INSANE–AT LAST–Dullard, I can imagine how frightening it must be for you to consider thefact that I shall soon have a motorcycle, El Zebra Torro, constructed byChoppers Inc., which will be far superior to anything which you have everridden in both horsepower and flair. Which is no doubt why you are tryingto sabotage it out of the gate by requesting such laughable reductions suchas a 180 back tire rather than the 300 which I initially requested anddropping the engine size from a respectable 200 inches to a wheezing 98.

How I chortle at your weak attempts to outrun me on the way toSturgis. Even with your 3000 mile head start (I shall be blasting off fromthe Republic of Glamour Bikernet.com East Coast outpost in South Beach), Ishall still soundly demolish you by arriving well ahead of your sputteringtricycle, you abysmal dink.

I hope you know that you will bebuying everything in Sturgis this year as well and do try to constructsomething that won’t pale when ridden next to our east coast chopper.

Give Jesse James plenty of breathing room to build a motorcycle of classand keep your female notions to yourself until he is done. Then try not tobuck off. Jesse seems to favor big horsepower from what I can tell. Thegauntlet is thrown. We shall let the people decide.

At Sturgis weshall put both bikernet.com choppers on display. Whichever bike isselected as “Baddest” by popular vote, shall also belong to the victor ofbills. In short, the loser pays the other guy’s expenses for the entiretrip. Good luck, scourge, and I suggest you start saving your penniesnow. Zebra, The Republic of Glamour, bikernet.com east, Miami Beach

ARLEN NESS BACKS VICTORY–Arlen built and rode a Victory customto Sturgis last year. It had the styling of one of his luxury liners. He’salso building a line of accessories for the thundering V-Twin built byPolaris, famous for snow-mobiles. Arlen and his son Cory are now offeringthe Victory line out of their shop in San Leandro, California.

People think Arlen is some kind of uppity yuppie, but he’s beenbuilding choppers since he was a mailman. Don’t let the flash get in theway of meeting one hell of a guy, and my bro Cory. Just hard workin’ folkslovin’ what they do.

Finally, one more thing on Victory. You don’t need to catch a train forthe Pacific coast to purchase a Victory, but you know, if you bought onefrom Arlen, he could make it look like no other. The news is that Victorynow has 300 authorized dealers throughout 49 states and the company willbegin establishing dealers across Canada this year. Watch for ’em near you.

Thanks for the note back– still miss you not being in ER. But gofor it, man. How’s Chopper Orwell coming along can’t wait to buy a copy. I lovedOutlawJustice and Prize Possession were great, and your web site isgreat.

In fact, I think I may be able to find my next scoot in your classifieds. Rightnow I have a 74 sporty will be looking for a 90’s FXR or Dyna, bye for now.

As you would say–ride forever,Your Bro in the wind, Andy Plavny( Peechsteel@ aol.com)

IN CLOSING–I’ll wrap this up with a thought for the day. If youdo what you love, everything will fall into place. I recently went to ascreening of “Pitch Black”, a fast-paced sci-fi adventure movie. Afterwardsthe director talked to the audience and took questions. I was curious’cause of the film projects we’re involved with. He made a point ofmentioning that it took him six years before he was able to produce hisfirst movie. It probably took Arlen six years before he made enough coinbuilding bikes, to drop his day job at the Post office.

I’m fortunate enough to be able to do what I love every minute ofthe day which includes riding, writing and tinkering with bikes. Lifecouldn’t be better.

All the material above doesn’t flow from my big floppy ears, muchof it comes from readers, and I want ’em to know I appreciated every joke,tech tip, or comment. That is except for the sand-snorting wanna-be tied toa chair in a warehouse in the Port of Maimi, while Cuban drug lords torturehim, for trying to molest their daughters as they walk home from school. Ikeep praying for cement shoes for Agent Zebra.

Ah, but ya can’t have everything.–Ride forever.

Bandit

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