Editors Note: I can’t explain it. Generally, we publish Sam’s Picks of the Week with a report about my evil past, or with notions of biker romance and the metalflake experience. But J.J.’s recent findings far outweigh the last time I met a redhead in a bar. However, as you go through your day hanging with brothers, buying motorcycle parts or riding in the wind, you will notice that all seems sorta normal. That’s because you are a biker and completely immune. Riding free works! 
The Corona-19 virus is reported to have mutated to radioactive status according to sources reporting allegements relative to information regarded by regarders as accurate. Sores, blisters and pustules are being found on front line workers who have died at their posts and who have succumbed to their lesions even as they were heroically treating the heaps of crawling and in some cases being dragged by ropes, new cases.
Hallways and corridors of health centers, now being called ill-health centers, are strewn with enough of the dead that new corridors and hallways must be constructed since the bodies are emitting so much radiation that Geiger counters are exploding from the vibrations created by the cacophony of ticks and clicks.
Reports of bodies falling from the skies have been reported, according to reported sources who have filed reports. The bodies, which burst upon impact with the ground, releasing scurrying arachnid-like jelly-covered “slime spiders” as they are reportedly being called by witnesses who have witnessed them and who have since died simply by having witnessed them rendering interviews of the witnesses impossible.
Those who have not died even after witnessing the slime-spiders have transformed, screaming all the while, into large, completely visible C-19 viruses which are reported to be the size of the VWs of the ‘50s. The spikes on these enormous viruses detonate like harbor-mines upon contact with human flesh releasing a stench-filled ichor that dissolves all it touches.
Other reports from reports issued by sources known to be close to or at least marginally related to those originally reporting under conditions of anonymity or otherwise informed under conditions of extended anonymity pending verification, have reported that C-19 ichor puddles are unifying and coagulating into warehouse-size undulating gelatinous, forward-advancing anomalies being routinely referred to as The Blobs.
Ladders are being commandeered by human defenders and are being leaned against buildings for
purposes of roof access. No one knows why. Highways are being covered with deceased C-19 victims being pushed up from the ground. They are bursting upward faster than snowplows can ram them to the sides, where “drifts” of bodies ten feet high or more are being created according to alleged reports currently being investigated by investigators of reported reports.
Body-counts of the deceased as determined by Count Experts are reported to have exceeded the human population of Earth by 400% and climbing. C-19 cases are now in the International Space Station and are threatening the rest of the solar system and the galaxy beyond to where the night sky is now empty of stars.
Worst of all, David Muir of ABC News has been reported to have become unable to assume his “ready for action” posture at his news desk wherein he sits straight up with a bit of a forward lean while his palms rest upon the desktop and upon pieces of paper with his elbows a bit angled as though he is prepared to spring to his feet at any second and personally solve the problem.
He is at the moment reporting on to where, now, he, weakened by C-19, he is held under the arms by two assistants, allowing him to gamely and with gravelly voice recite the tragedies and injustices of the day while being fed intravenously. Indeed, this transmogrification of David Muir from lean, alert, Bryl-Creamed boy-wonder into an aged, wizened, exhausted baggy-suited specter is widely considered to be the, to-date, worst resultant aspect of the pandemic so far ever unanimously-agreed-upon catastrophe of the 14-month, so far global and cosmological pandemic to date reported according to sources close to other sources familiar with the contacted contacts for verification.
Breaking: All spherical celestial objects, from rocks, up to and including the sun, moon, stars and asteroids have been determined according to experts to be C-19 viruses. The electronic letters on the screen you are reading, in addition, according to sources, are photon-spheres of C-19 penetrating your eyes and infecting your optic nerve cells and turning you into an entity called Zag-hothnar-Iglakto Palchon Ignar, demon overlord of the Kraal dung-people of the planet Gargh.
There is reportedly a vaccine currently being produced which offers 30% effectiveness against this and other versions of the C-19 Gargh-variant mutational offspring transformatative deviant hybrid anomalous divergence which will be mandatory for all food purchases.
Thank you. Sincerely, The World Press-Hack Communal Shitpack of Loser Journalism Majors Currently Being Relieved of Their School-Loan Responsibilities.
–J.J. Solari
Chief Research Investigator
Bikernet Medical Research Center
