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Photo from Bob T.
BILLY LANE, ROGER BOURGET AND JOSE HIT DISCOVERY–These dates were just confirmed from Discovery for our show – tentativelytitled “The Great Biker Build Off.” The Discovery web site will have moreinformation posted in the next few weeks. These are, as always, subject tochange, but we are fairly certain the premiere date will not change.
Biker Build-Off Air Dates
September 28 10pm
September 28 2am
December 23, 9pm
December 23, 12am
December 28, 5pm
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO CALL THIS, JUST READ IT– Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well,here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an AmericanCollege. (Professor)”Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca-last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted.
STORY:(first paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. Thechamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadronnow in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think aboutthan the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie withwhom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris toGeostation 17”, he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polarorbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he feltone last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman whohad ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped itspointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.”Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,”Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneouslyexcited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of heryouth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with nonewspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense ofinnocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must onelose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth,carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithiumfusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”
(Rebecca)This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. Mywriting partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts atwriting are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I havechamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Ohno, you’re such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steelenovels.”
(Rebecca)Asshole.
(Gary)Bitch.
(Rebecca)W*nker.
(Gary)Slut.
(Rebecca)Get fucked.
(Gary)Eat shit and die.
(Rebecca)FUCK YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary)Go drink some tea – whore.
(Professor)A+ – I really liked this one.
YEAH, HERE’S ANOTHER ONE–A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going tomake you the happiest woman in the world”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”
–from the Queen
H-D 100TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION CONTINUES–Boy, we had a great OPEN HOUSE Weekend! If you came, Thank You so much for making the event really huge!!
The celebration of Harley-Davidson’s first 100 years continues. This Saturday September 14th from 9:00 am to 6:00 pm, the Harley-Ford Truck Road Tour will be at Wild Fire Harley-Davidson/Buell, 120 W North Ave, Villa Park, IL, 60181/630 834 6571.
See the Harley-Ford Trucks, and get special pricing and financing on Ford trucks.
There will be free food and beverages, live music; And Oakfield Ford of Villa Park will be giving away a Ford Truck…FREE, $100 Gift Certificates to Wild Fire and more free prizes!!!
As a special bonus…remember, for the Month of September, Harley-Davidson 100th Anniversary Merchandise will be 20% off!! So stock up on 100th Anniversary stuff and save big.
Ride Safe & Live Free
Ozzie
CEO-Dealer Principal
OKAY WE GET A SHOT GUYS–CHEMICAL PROPERTIES OF WOMAN–
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lowerconcentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it’s too hot.
Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.
What A Sick Thought– There are 110 days left till Christmas, areyou ready? If your answer was “fuck no”, I’m with you brothers andsisters. I’ll tell you what though; I’m doing my shopping on-line thisyear. No hassles with lines, psycho shoppers or screamin’ kiddies runningaround slopping snot and ice cream all over department stores.
Right here in our Gulch is everything you could possibly need for theBiker on your Christmas list. Leathers, books, artwork, parts, clothes.Hell, you can even buy a BYOB from Chrome Specialties!
SELECT A SHOP ABOVE
OR SIMPLY
FOR EVEN MORE SELECTIONS!
When you’re finished reading the news, take a little time and check outthe Gulch. Browse thru the HA & Crime Inc. shop for the coolest of T’s andthe finest of leather products.
Check out Joker Apparel for tiny-little thongs for your gal, and bad-assshirts for yourself.
While you’re at it, right below the Gulch you can click for even moreselections like Bikernet Originals. There’s things in there you won’t findanywhere else. K. Randall’s Ball’s latest book, Sam “Chopper” Orwell wouldbe a perfect item to stock up on for last minute gift giving to unexpectedguests.
O.K., that’s enough crap I’ll shove at you for this week, but I’ll beback again and you can bet on it. The countdown to pleasure is in affecttill Bandit finishes the news. When we hear him holler down the hallway,”pour me a fuckin’ Jack”, we know it’s playtime!
Layla
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED–Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
–from Ray R.
NEWS FROM CENTURY MOTORCYCLES–Thought you might need some fresh material to throw at these wonderful men. Treat ’em like Linoleum. Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for life…..Just kidding you about the material. Hell lawless, you can tell a guy to go Fuck Yourself and still have class. I am proud of the fact that you speak it like it is. No, guessing. Do we sound like biker bitches out of Orwell???? What do they sound like, and I want to audition for when the movies start coming out. I will need a job and I?can act. I was married once…..the second time I got married was just to give the kids and I a last name…
–Huzzy Won
ANOTHER SHOT–What is the similarity betweena woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?????
By the time you’ve finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
OKAY, THAT’S IT–Let’s hit the road. I’ve got one more tip for today. I’ve come to the conclusion that chrome on pipes is a waste of time and money. No more chrome on pipes, I’m jet hot coating mine from now on. There’s a company in Los Angeles who handles mine. Engineered Applications in Vernon, California jet hots pipes in silver or flat black. Above is an example. They will never change. I had my Buell stainless header system polished and silver jet hot coated–See what good that did for me? They are looking into more colors in the future. For info call (323) 585-2894 and ask for beautiful Blanca Reyes, the general manager.
Damn, I tried to get the news completed before Sinwu slipped out the door for her martial arts lesson. Layla’s in the back someplace with that blond devil with the bright blue eyes. I’m outta Jack Daniels. The evening is ruined. Next week we dive into the Amazing Shrunken FXR project and start tinkering with the Road King. In the meantime I’ll either ask our celebrity Jose for a loan so I can pick up a fresh bottle of Jack, or go panhandle out side the Mexican restaurant next to the harbor. Gotta have my fix. Ride forever–Bandit.
