Life in the ghetto is never dull. I don’t know how to explain this, except to rattle on and hope you get the gist of the story. We had a box of chrome parts of good news this week. The Street Stalker is sold for enough to print Sam “Chopper” Orwell, so we’ll have books in the next two to three weeks. We’ve figured out how to mount and protect the dual 42 mm Mikuni carburetors on my ’48 Panhead. It could be running next week. A deal came through on some Pro Street frames so Nuutboy’s bike will see wheels over the next couple of months. Dr. Hamster, who recently had a station wagon cut him off and destroy his FXR, will have a new frame, and I may be able to start on a project that includes slipping an 88-Twin Cam into a Kenny Boyce Pro Street frame. The scores came from a friend of 30 years, Rogue in Florida. We’ve been posting his parts deals in the news over the last couple of weeks. There’s more to come.
On the home front, it was a quiet night Tuesday at about 11 p.m., until I heard a knock on the door. It was more like a caress, and I gladly let her in. She was sad, a bit tired from a hectic work week, and worried about something. We talked and drank wine, then she took a bath by candlelight and soaked her worries away. Energy seemed to spring forth and we were up to all hours, only to fall asleep at about 2 a.m., wiped out after another full, satisfying day.
At 3:45, I awoke. I have this nature, that if I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, I immediately lie still and wait to see if something is up. Then I heard it. A grunt and a door closing. That’s when the night took on a completely different demeanor. What once was star-light and love turned violent, but we better get to the news.
BIKERNET SEX CORRESPONDENT–Reporting from the Penthouse Website:
What was to be a simple editorial has turned into an extravaganza withvolumes of photos, video footage and editorial. Mostly pictorial driven,the Penthouse.com presentation will surely tell the story. Had I had free reign, certainly I would have had enough photos for two yearsworth of evolving editorial on the Penthouse site.The Penthouse.com presentation of Sturgis is set to go live Oct. 15.Will I be one of those free-spirited nymphs captured in glossy print? WillBandit be captured, chopper and all, in the chesty grip of a free-spiritednymph? Shhhhh – those secrets are safe with me.–Sasha
AUSTRALIAN BIKERNET CORRESPONDENT REVEALS SOUND CONTROVERSY– Ray Russell, an Australian businessman and rider, sent in the following story about a musician who rolled a Harley-Davidson into his studio and recorded it as part of a musical arrangement, then decided that he owns the sound of the Harley. The following is from a Melbourne newspaper:Bill Cook (Australian musician) owns the distinctive sound of the famous motorbike.Harley-Davidson’s legal department has worked for the past six years toreclaim ownership.But with the help of several other motorbike companies, including Honda andYamaha, Cook has maintained his grip on the bike’s distinctive rumble.
The 57-year-old stonemason-turned-musician took out the United Statescopyright for the bike’s syncopated sound in 1993 when making an albumcalled Steel Stallions.He recorded the idling engine of his vintage Harley-Davidson and made it therhythm section on several of the album’s tracks.
“I rode the Harley into the sound studio and the engineer poked hismicrophone in and around the engine while it was idling,” he said.”He then put it near the head so you could hear the valves falling back intotheir pockets. Then, near the carbie.All this coming through $10,000 speakers at full bore was music to my ears.The Harley sound as the drum track is unique and I believe I have a pieceof music I can sell to Harley riders.”
Manufacturer Harley-Davidson was surprised to find someone else owned thesound of its engine — and it filed an application with the U.S. Patent andTrademark Office to override Cook’s copyright.
Two months ago, Harley-Davidson dropped its six-year effort to patent thesound, saying it was tired of spending money with no end in sight.
This leaves Cook the undisputed owner of the Harley-Davidson sound.Cook says he does not care about the copyright and would “happily” hand itover to the Milwaukee bike manufacturer if it agreed to give away a copy ofhis album with every Harley sold.
Ehhh, I ain’t buyin’ it-Oz
JIMS AHDRA LAS VEGAS NATIONALS–JIMS is proud to host the 3rd annual AHDRA Las Vegas drag racing nationals, held Oct. 20-22. These races are the extreme in Harley-Davidson Drag Racing, and this year guarantees to be one of the best years ever. The event will be held at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway, on the brand-new, NHRA-certified drag strip.
JIMS is devoted to Harley-Davidson and racing. Don’t miss it at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. For more information go to the JIMS site: www.jimsusa.com.
RUNNING IN TIGHT CIRCLES–A couple of my straighter riding friends. Next to me is Angus King,governor of Maine, and next to him is Chief Justice DanWalthen. Two other Harley-riding guys out for an afternoon of fun withPaul.
HOT ROD BIKES INTERVIEW RECOGNITION– You’re starting to be a real interviewer; Stone Philips and BarbaraWalters better start watching their collective ass. Good interview withOliver. When he said what a pain in the ass people are when it comes tobackstage passes, I would have loved it if you had said “then go back tothe way it was in the early years at Calamingos Ranch, when there weren’tany.” The first Love Ride I went on was No. 5 and I remember being able togo back for thirds and fourths on the food line, and all the fresh fruit(apples, oranges, bananas) you could eat. Plus I don’t remember a”backstage.” It seems to me there wasn’t any segregation. Of course, like a lot of my memories that are more than three hours old,they tend to become somewhat unclear. Anyway, another good interview.
DARWIN AWARDS–It’s an annual honor given to the personwho provided the universal human gene pool the biggestservice by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupidway. As always, competition this year has been keen.Some candidates appear to have trained their whole livesfor this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in2 feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewergrate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker whowas always “totally focused when he ran,” according to hiswife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his dailyrun.
3. Buxton, N.C.: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deephole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun,and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottomThursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying himbeneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on theouter banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to clawtheir way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., butcould not reach him. It took rescue workers usingheavy equipment almost an hour to free him whileabout 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounceddead at a hospital.
SHOULD WE FEATURE IT?–This is a 1999 Ultra Custom, 113 inch S&S motor, Andrews gears, Crane Single Fire ignition, Supertrap exhaust, P & M brakes, stretch tanks and custom paint.
The proud owner is Mike Wagner of Florence, Ky.
Hey, should we feature a manufactured motorcycle as a custom? Let me know what you think. I’m under the impression that we need to honor the hard work of the individual and the talent and innovation of professional bike builders, but let me know your thoughts.
DEMOCRATIC PROCESS–We here at Bikernet want the best for our readers, that’s why we have a limit on the number of sponsors we will post on the site. We want our readers to come to a place where only the best is represented by companies that will back up their products.
In the future, we will create an editorial board made up of the staff and sponsors, so when we need a decision about a product or new sponsor, we’ll put it in front of the gang for a vote. In addition, like the above inquiry, we will throw these decisions out to you guys to let us know what you think. Hell, I’m not working on this puppy constantly to benefit my lost cat. We need to know what you think.
TIM CONDOR PROJECT– Here’s a brother who likes a good mystery. He tells me he’s going to build a Knucklehead called HELLBILLY and sends me a list of components, but no photos, no drawings, nada. Then he says, “Brother, could you help me get this in a magazine?”
Tim, give me a break. I love Knuckleheads. We want it on Bikernet.
* 88-inch S&S cone lower end
* FHP complete dual carb knuckle heads and cylinders
* Morris dual magnetos
* BDL 3-inch belt system
* Revtech 5 in a 4 speed
* Choppers Inc. 40 spoke, 8-inch rim with 4-inch black and birch white checkers /Avon 230
* Black 40 spoke, 21-inch spool rim with the round spool painted like aneight ball / Dunlop
* 3 gallon tanks
* Re-pop V-twin stock springer, black and chrome
* SJP/Weerd Bros. 230 “stock” knuckle frame
* Kennedy rotor brake
* drag bars welded onto dogbone steering head
* Headlight is a model A parking light with a PIAA light in it
* I have all the parts except the back fender (haven’t built it yet). Nolifters or blocks. No chain.I’ve got $17,000 in parts. I’ll sell it now as-is or finished. If Isell it done, it will be black with a jockey. The rims are paintedalready. Thanks again – Tim
DA MARRIAGE COUNSELOR– Everybody knows that no matter how much you’re in love when you get married, at one point or another the honeymoon is over. That’s when the excuses start. I’ve used them, you’ve used them and believe it or not, my wife has used them. Following is a top 10 list of some of the best excuses to get out of having sex with your significant other.
10. I’d love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We’re out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven’t shaved in so long I’m afraid I’d feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You’re 20 bucks short.
6. We’re out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn’t a conjugal visit.
3. I can’t tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those pornos.
2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.
And the No. 1 excuse to not have sex: Your gynecologist just called – you still have crabs and you know how I don’t like seafood.
QUESTION, QUESTIONS?–Been up to my ass in alligators. Work’s been nuts and I’m trying to getcertified in Microsoft NTserver so I’ve had that shit to deal with. Theonly thing that’s keepin’ me sane is the riding. If it weren’t for that, I’dbe in one of those hotels with the padded rooms. How’s the movie comin’along? How’s”Burnin’ Daylight in L.A.” doin? Where’s “1%er”?–jr
I wish I had answer for ya. Marco the producer of “Burnin’ Daylight” took up with a coke whore and he doesn’t do coke and has no money. You can imagine how hard he’s workin’ to keep her tits in his face. Conrad Goode, the writer behind “Asphalt Cowboy” and once a player for the Buffalo Bills, was run over by walking pneumonia. He escaped to his homeland of Kansas for recuperation. Never heard from him again. And “1%” is looking at its 43rd rewrite. But Zebra makes his real money working for an ad house writing shit like, “got milk?” He wishes he wrote those two simple words. Following is his report:–Bandit
The Sturgis story is coming along well. I really dig it. It’s ethereal, yet real roady. A thinking piece.
Two questions; first, I’m thinking of giving Kearie a dozen “1%er” diamond patches to use as leave-behinds when she meets on the script. Know where or how I can get some made?
Oh Zebra, my man. Keep in mind that some clubs take 1%er patches real serious like.
Second, the agency over here is talking to Buell as a potential new client. They’re asking me to run up to Chicago with them to talk to the cats. Know anything about Buell, who runs it, what they’re like? They’re a division of H-D as I understand it, but these guys seem to think they’re independent.
That Zebra character is really up on motorcycle current events. This is what I told him: Buells were designed and manufactured by Eric Buell. Eric always had a tight relationship with H-D and used Sportster engines in his basically road racing chassis. He was the first to create an American Ninja. About three years ago, H-D bought the company from Eric and began to get serious. Jerry Wilke is the H-D V.P. in charge. Jerry is one of those guys who makes things happen. They put him in charge and he turns whatever division it is around and makes it work.
The problem with sales is perception. Racers have a tough time imagining a road racer in a Hog shop. It’s a different kind of customer, different kind of bike and the two have a tough time mixing, but they could. Now, many dealerships have one guy who is a racer of sorts, and a tech-head dedicated to selling the Buells, so that the Buell customer has someone to talk to. Guys who want to buy an H-D come in the dealership, pick a color and order the bike, or beg for one. The road racer wants to know what kind of performance shock is in a Buell, what kind of fasteners hold shit together, etc. They crawl around under the bike, poke and question. So this kid is comparing this 100 horse Sportster-powered Road Racer with a 180 mph Ninja or Katana from Yamaha, which are absolutely state-of-the-art. The highest tech machines in the world. How do they compete? How do they market these tough American machines?
So here’s a couple of points. Ninjas/ Katanas, whatever, are Jap bikes. They sound like Jap bikes, they run like sewing machines. Here’s a bike that handles like a Jap bike, but is American. It rumbles like an H-D, which makes it sexy and entertaining. Bubba Blackwell is a good example. This guy is breaking all of Evel K’s records. He says he could do it all day long on Jap bikes and no one gives a shit. But do it on a Harley and you have something exciting. He does a lot of stunts on Buells, and might make an interesting icon for a campaign.
These bikes need a fit, and I think if they got outrageous with some, customized them, they might find the spark. I want to build one and make it look like a jet fighter from WWII, bad as hell, and tough as nails. Give it that bad-to-the-bone road racer look and you’ll see outlaws riding ’em.
BRIGHT DECISIONS– 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.)
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
HARLEY-DAVIDSON–WHEELS OF FREEDOM–
Overview:Enter a 3D virtual world and experience the freedom of the open road on aHarley, with stunning graphics and realistic handling physics. Featuringthree styles of rally races, multiple riders and the ability to customizeyour own Harley. Harley-Davidson Wheels of Freedom is sure to rule theroad. Players face rough pavement, dirt roads, drag races and more. Doyou have what it takes to meet the Harley challenge?
Features:
Multiple racing styles including Open Road challenge, Draggin’ in theDirt, and
Madman Hill Climb;
Create and ride your own fully customized Harley;
Choose from multiple riders, each with their own style and personality;
Dynamic crash sequences;
Race against others via LAN or the Internet;
Cruise to soundtrack of classic road songs.
Publisher: WizardWorks
Developer: G2M Games and Canopy Games
Release Date: September 2000
Platform: PC
Suggested Retail Price: $19.99
HEY, BANDITO–How’s things? I have been so busy and Sin has been too. We have hardlyhad a chance to hook up lately. Yesterday, we went to this tattoo shop(I’m thinking of getting something on my ass). Anyway, Sin comes out inthis tiny little skirt and skimpy low cut top showing all leg and nothingbut tits. When she sat on the seat, her skirt went above her crotch showingthe perfect little v-shape of her snatch. At first I thought that she justhad white panties on, but after a closer look I realized they were sheer.Because she shaves everything, it was all creamy color down there. Ireached over and ran my finger along… Well gotta get to work Senor Bandito,Talk at ya later!~Coral
P.S. Here’s a shot of the girls.
RAY PRICE LEGENDS OF HARLEY DRAG RACING MUSEUM OPENS– The Ray Price Legends of Harley Drag Racing Museum opened Sept. 23 in a brief, but impressive ceremony.
Several hundred local race fans and a host of drag racers were on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremony for the first installation of the museum.
The ceremony included the “sound of freedom” presented by the Raleigh HOG chapter, invocation by Bruce Brown, chaplain of the Raleigh HOG Chapter. A U. S. Marine color guard presented the colors, Debbie Johnson sang the national anthem and Jamie Emery, the youngest Top Fuel racer, did a burnout making the guests and dignitaries feel like they were at the races.
Ray Price and Jean Price were beaming with pride as Jim Hartley, IHRA chaplain, gave the prayer and dedication. Mary Lou Brewton, the museum’s curator, read the mission statement .
“It is our goal at the Ray Price Legends of Harley Drag Racing Museum to preserve and conserve the history and heritage of the sport of drag racing Harley-Davidson motorcycles. It is our intent to provide a spectacular location for generations to come to view the machines and documentation of, to this point, 50 years of Harley-Davidson drag racing.”
The museum is free and open to the public during normal business hours. The first installation will begin to change in three months and the display cases will change quarterly.
Ray Price Harley-Davidson – (919) 832-2261www.rayprice.com
BREEZE DEPARTS–You’re about to lose one of your highly paidwriting staff for a while. Fall is in the air and it’s timefor me to get back in the breeze. Don’t know for howlong or what way (other than south toward warmweather). Usually don’t know until after I throw my legover and touch it off. I have been thinking of headingto Lynchburg for Mr. Jack’s 150th birthday party andthen on to Nashville for the run to Biketoberfest.FTW,Stroker
Goddamnit, report in, over. Come in, over? Shit, lost another one.–Bandit
BIG DOG ANNOUNCES SALES GROWTH AND FIRST PROFITABLE 6-MONTH PERIOD–Could be one of the few companies of this type making money. Sales for the first half of 2000 were up 30 percent, representing the fifth consecutive year of high double-digit sales growth. “We have been patiently building a company capable of long term, sustainable growth. We continue to focus on being the brand of choice in the premium cruiser niche. Big Dog offers a blend of aggressive custom style, individualized paint and powerful engines. These are motorcycles made to ride in the real world. Now that our volume has reached critical mass, we can press on improving component design. Our profitability allows us to spend more money on key strategies such as embedding a new level of mechanical and sales expertise at the dealer level,” said Sheldon Coleman, CEO and founder of Big Dog Motorcycles.
“We focus on dramatic and continual product improvements cornerstoned by our powerful yet smooth 107-inch drivetrain, and we partnered with many of the industry’s highest quality suppliers and developed exclusive relationships and products,” said Nick Messer, president of Big Dog. “Finally, we strive to create a work environment where our employees enjoy their jobs and realize that they are the keys to any success we may enjoy.”
“…embedding a new level of mechanical and sales expertise at the dealer level.” Sheldon, what the hell does that mean? Are you going to torture these guys? I’ve got to say that out of all the bikes of this nature that I’ve ridden, that 107-inch drivetrain is absolutely one that will make your hair stand on end, and give you the confidence to cut across country without batting an eye.–Bandit
ORWELL FOR SALE–We’re now confident that we will have books in stock in the next two to three weeks. You can now get a copy of Sam Chopper Orwell for $3 off the regular price and receive a free vinyl Bikernet sticker as part of the deal. Click Here for details!
URGENT LEGISLATIVE ALERT–In response to vehicle equipment safety concerns raised by the recentFirestone tire recalls, the U.S. Congress is moving quickly to enactlegislation that could affect manufacturers, dealers and installers of allautomotive equipment. These bills would dramatically increase reportingrequirements for all automotive product safety defects, add newrecord keeping requirements, create tougher recall rules, instituteincreased civil penalties and severe new criminal penalties fornon-compliance and direct the National Highway Traffic SafetyAdministration (NHTSA) to update its Federal tire standard.
SEMA is concerned that Congress, facing an early October adjournment, isrushing through complicated and controversial legislation (S.B. 3059/H.R.5164).
Key new obligations under S. 3059/H.R. 5164:- Vehicle equipment manufacturers may not certify compliance with federalstandards unless compliance has been established through testing orengineering.
– Statutory time period for safety recalls of vehicle equipment increasedfrom 8 to 10 years (3 to 5 years for tires.)
– Vehicle equipment manufacturers must report overseas recall orders,accidents and trends that result in injury or death, as well as legalactions and warranty complaints to the Department of Transportation (DOT).
– The DOT may share confidential vehicle equipment manufacturer informationwith foreign governments, without clearly guaranteeing the confidentialityof product information.
– The DOT may require record keeping and reporting on foreign and domesticconsumer complaints, equipment defect information and communicationsbetween dealers and manufacturers relating to equipment safety- relateddefects or recalls.
– Civil penalties for non-compliance with federal vehicle safety and recallstandards would increase from $1,000 to $5,000 for each violation, whilethe maximum fine would rise from $800,000 to as much as $15,000,000. Nomaximum fine would apply in instances of willful and intentional violation.
– New criminal penalties would be enacted making a director, officer or”agent” of a manufacturer (possibly dealers and installers) subject to afine of up to $50,000, 15 years in jail or both for willful and knowingviolations.
Contact your senators and congressional representative to urge furtherstudy of this legislation.For assistance in determining who your legislators are, please contact theCapitol Hill operator at (202) 225-3121, or you can access this informationvia the Internet at http://www.sema.org/fedleg/legislatorrequest. We haveincluded links to sample letters for your use.
KING MAKES IT FOUR FOR FOUR IN FORMULA USA SERIES–The regular participants in the Formula USAdirt-track series are probably thankful that Team Harley’s Rich King has raced in only half ofthe races this season. King has entered four races and won them all.
Number four came Saturday at the Cal-Expo State Fairgrounds in Sacramento,Calif. King battled briefly with Joe Kopp, Jay Springsteen and Chris Carrbefore grabbing the lead for good on lap three. The track was in poorcondition but King’s motorcycle was perfectly tuned and he skillfullymaneuvered around the rough spots to cruise to a half-straightaway victory.Kopp (H-D of Missouri) finished second and Springsteen (Bartels’ H-D) tookthird.
Like almost all of the dirt trackers this year, King has participated inboth the Formula USA Series and the AMA U.S. Flat Track Championships. Someof the races from the two series have fallen on the same weekends, however.King’s commitment has been to the AMA series, which is the reason he hasraced in only four Formula USA events.
With the win, King has bragging rights up to this point. When combining thenumber of wins from both series, King’s total of five is the most by anyracer this season. Will Davis and Carr have won four events, and Kopp haswon two.
Unfortunately King’s success will not lead to a championship in eitherseries. King sits in sixth place in the Formula USA standings with two racesto go, and is in fourth place with third place in his sights with one raceto go in the AMA series.The next dirt-track race is a Formula USA event scheduled for Sept. 30 atManzanita Speedway in Phoenix.
BIKERS SQUARE OFF WITH GANG BANGERS IN CHILD ABUSE CASE–Know a kid who’s been abused? Often when a child has been abused, they are asked to testify against their attacker, a terrifying thing for most victims and often one they simply cannot face. The sorry part is, if the child can’t or won’t testify, the criminal piece of shit who messed them up goes free.
That’s where Bikers Against Child Abuse comes in. BACA is a national organization with chapters across the United States. I spoke with several BACA members in Sturgis this year and asked them about their organization. They related a story to me about a young boy who had been brutally attacked by big-city gangbangers. When it came time to testify, the gang bangers openly threatened the boy and his family with deadly reprisal. For obvious reasons, the boy was too terrorized to take the witness stand and put the cowardly little fucker who jumped him in the hole where he belongs. Until BACA showed up.
BACA bros spent time with the boy, won his confidence and told him that they would be there, in court with him, watching his back and that he could rest assured that his new biker bros would not let anyone lay a finger on him- period.
The day of the trial came and a large group of gang bangers showed up and sat in the audience in an effort to scare the boy out of sending his attacker to prison. The boy and his parents were fast losing their nerve when the thunder of big American iron shook the courthouse. A massive group of brotherhood in the form of no-bullshit bros walked into the courtroom and proceeded to sit every-other-one between the gang bangers, who shriveled in the face of real fighters. The courtroom was packed with bikers.
The bros mere appearance gave the boy the courage to take the stand and testify against his assailant, who is now doing hard time. The boy was not bothered again.
If there’s ever been an organization to support, this is it. I’ve not found many subjects bikers agree on more unanimously than the notion that motherfuckers who lay a hand on a child richly deserve hanging. The bros website is www.bacausa.com.–Special Agent Zebra,Biketnet.com East
BRENDA FOX PARTIES WITH MADONNA–That’s right, after a grueling day with the Bikernet team at the Rod Stewart music video tape, Brenda wasn’t satisfied. She jumped on her new Duece and hit the showers, or maybe not, and rushed to the Hollywood Hills for an intimate evening with the queen of blondes and other celebs.
Next we will report on Ms. Fox’s relationship with Joker Machine. Like a true chopper rider, her brand new 2001 model is facing major modifications through Joker Machine and West Coast Choppers. More coming shortly.
DID YOU GET YOUR WHEELS?–In 1997 and ’98, a company by the name of Rau Marketing ‘BIKERS’ located inCosta Mesa, Calif.,was advertising a wheel called the ‘Nifty Fifty’. It had an aluminum rim,aluminum billet hub and 50 radially laced 3/8-inch diameter stainless steelspokes. When the owners of the company were put in federal prison oncharges of being responsible for the closure of a bank in NewportBeach, Calif., they left a lot of people screwed.
I’m looking into thepossibility of having mail fraud charges brought against them. What Ineed is to hear from anybody who ordered or paid for these wheels THROUGHthe mail, and never got them or a refund and still has the necessarypaper work to prove it. If you or someone you know were cheated by thesepeople, please contact me at -sbauman2@juno.com or at (949) 586-9468–Steve Bauman, the Vigilante.
CANDY KISS–It was a little boy’s first day in school and the teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what the item was thatthey received. Whenit was the new boy, Jimmy’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked, “Do you know what it is?”
Jimmy replied “No.”
The teacher said,”Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Jimmy did so. The teacherthen asked, “Now do you know what it is?”
Little Jimmy said “Nooooo.”
The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint…it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.
” A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams, “JIMMY, SPITITOUT…….IT’S A PIECE OF ASS!”
A MAN AND A WOMAN– were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. He takes out his penis, waves it at her and tellsher she knows what she can do.
Suddenly the womanreaches over and slices off the man’s peckerbeforetossing it out the window of the car.
Drivingbehind the car is a guy in a pickup truck with his 10-year-old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the flesh-javelin smacks thepickup’s windshield, sticks for a moment, thenfliesoff.
Surprised, the daughter asks, “Daddy, what inthe heck was that?” Not wanting to expose his daughter to sex at such a tender age, and having no way of explaining the horrible act thathad transpired in the car ahead, he replies, “Itwas only a bug, honey.”
The daughter gets a confusedlook on her face, and after a minute she says, “It surehad a big dick!”
HALLMARK CARDS ARE MAKING–Hallmark is making a Christmas tree ornament this year of noneother than HARLEY BARBIE. They come out next month and I telephoned afew stores to reserve one for Rosalie and discovered they are sellingout fast. A couple of stores in Vancouver are already sold out…
Contact your Hallmark store NOW if you want one. In Canada they cost$19.95.
HAMSTER GETS ROLL WITH WILLIS–Check this link out and scroll down to back issues library, type in Sept. 16, 2000, and go to the article Gresham Man Rides Harley into role of new Bruce Willis movie, The Outlook Online – Gresham, East Multnomah County and Oregon news. Skip Pillow, a Hamster from Oregon, is in the movie as a “featured extra.” Check it out.
THE CHIEF STAYS HOT–The deal with Fox 2000 to adapt Sonny’s autobiography for a major motion picture was the buzz in Hollywood last week, and you can read all about it and the players on the new movie page athttp://sonnybarger.com/nav_movie.html
THUNDER OVER DIXIE, GONE INTERNATIONAL–That’s the ticket. The ride that will take riders on a dealer-to-dealer, rocking country-western music run from Nashville to Biketoberfest now has sign-ups from Canada. Other riders are splitting from California to meet up with the Cajun Crawl out of Nashville. If you want the ride of a lifetime, contact the former editor of Big Twin at (949) 645-8036, or head over to Thunderoverdixie.com for more info.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS HOOK UP WITH VICTORY–A new American motorcycle will lead the Vikings to Victory this season. At the season opener, Victory Motorcycles announced its new rough and tumble sponsorship of the Minnesota Vikings with traditional biker style.
Former Vikings’ greats and motorcycle enthusiasts Carl Eller and Jim Marshall, along with Polaris CEO Tom Tiller and Vikings mascot Ragnar, led the team onto the field riding four thundering Victory motorcycles. One was painted Viking colors purple and gold.”Victory Motorcycles is proud to be a bike leading the Vikings onto the field this season,” said Polaris Industry’s CEO Tom Tiller.
ESCAPE HATCH–So the misty night was creeping in on the harbor as I crawled quietly out of the sack and crept down the hall to the Bikernet galley where the window over the sink gave me a panoramic view of the side street. It was quiet and dark and no one was roaming the street. We have a number of vagrants and homeless that meander the seaside avenues of Pedro. There are druggies, bums and escaped prisoners stealing bicycles from kids to get the hell out of dodge, but they always come back. I didn’t see a thing until my bleary focus came upon the dark-haired one’s van park neatly against the curb. Someone was in her van. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The kid was working furiously over the steering wheel and cussing at the length of time it was taking him.
I dashed to the rear entrance of the headquarters but security is high and it was locked. I made my way to the front and it was locked also. I scrambled for the key, then to a cabinet for a gun. It’s mandatory at headquarters that a loaded weapon is located in every closet, drawer and cubbyhole. In my boxers, I scrambled into the street. The kid was still fumbling madly over the steering column and I aimed the gun at the windshield. The weapon was cocked. I could have made that kid a salami sandwich in a split second, but chose to raise the weapon skyward and fire. The kid sat up straight as a rail and looked at me like his mom had just caught him with his hand in the cash drawer. He jumped from the cab and raised his arms skyward. “I was just looking for a place to sleep,” he shouted.
That pissed me off. The sonuvabitch was caught red-handed, why couldn’t he just admit that he was fucked instead of lie. “You lying mutha-fucker,” I said as I lowered the site to the center of his young gangsta features and cocked the weapon again.
Well, I’m currently under investigation by the San Pedro Police Department. So tell me, what would you do if you caught someone stealing your car? Shoot ’em, arrest ’em, let ’em go? Run and call the cops? Chase ’em around the car with a baseball bat? Tie ’em to the bumper and drive to the cop shop to turn ’em in? And maybe you jailhouse lawyers will know the answer to this: What does the book say you should do? Quietly pull the shades, call the local law enforcement and pace the kitchen hoping that the cops will come before your vehicle leaves?Your Shot
Send your suggestions to the Free Bandit Fund. In the meantime, if you’re in Southern California this weekend, don’t miss the Al Martinez Custom Bike and Truck Show in Irvine, Calif. Ride forever–Bandit
