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HAD A HATE-MY-JOB DAY?–On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to thethermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer madeby “Q-tip.” Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lockyour doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you will not bedisturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, suchas a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove thethermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not becomechipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies thethermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is astatement:”Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I donot work in quality control at the Q-tip Company.”
FINAL TOYS FOR TOTS SCUTTLEBUTT–The SFPC actually told the Marine Corp to go fuck itself about six yearsago. We were the Toys for Tots Run (like everyone else). We let the Marinestake the toys to distribute until two things happened: First, at our run we wanted four or five toys to give to a few kids from the CancerCaring Center who attended the event. The Marines would not let us have itand a fight just about broke out. We ended up taking the toys and tellingthe Marines to go fuck themselves and this would be their last year gettingthe bikers’ toys; Second, we found out that all of the toys they collected (at least from ourrun) were sent to foreign countries and no toys went to any local kids….
That was it for them and we got hooked up with the local police agencies andthey distributed the toys to local kids and have been doing so since…
So now we are the Christmas Toys in the Sun Run and that’s our story…. andI’m sticking with it.
–Miami Mike
SFPC Publicity and Public Relations
Publisher Wheels on the Road Magazine
BIKERNET QUIZ–Q. What doesn’t belong on this list:Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs orwife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
ALL AMERICAN CYCLE NORTHWEST NATIONALS presented by JOKER MACHINE COMING TOWOODBURN DRAGSTRIP, SEPT. 8-9–
AHDRA welcomes new sponsors for theupcoming Woodburn Ore., event on Sept. 8-9. All American Cycle ofPortland, Ore., has teamed with AHDRA, along with support from Joker Machine ofAzusa, Calif., to bring the thrills and excitement of 200 mph nitro-burning Harleyaction to Woodburn Dragstrip.
All American Cycle, in business since 1994, has been involved inprofessional drag racing with the AHDRA for several years in Pro Gascompetition. Mark Elam, owner of All American Cycle, has joined forces withfriend and 2000 Pro Modified Champion Steve Dorn on a newly built ProDragster bike for the 2001 season. Elam is the crew chief for the new BlackAttack Racing Team, and Steve Dorn serves as the pilot on the nitro burningmachine.
“It’s always been my dream to run a nitro-methane class, and with Steve’shelp, we have made this dream become a reality,” Elam commented. “There isnothing like the explosiveness and power of a fuel machine.” Steve’s veryfirst run on the new bike ended with ear-to-ear grins as he told Mark, “Thatwas awesome, I’ll never get on a gas bike again.” The team recently competedat the Pacific Nationals at Seattle International Raceway, coming away withtheir best time yet, a 7.777 at 170 mph.
Joker Machine has been a long-time supporter of classsponsorships in the AHDRA series. This year Joker Machine lends itssupport to the Pro Modified class and has also come on board for theNorthwest Nationals. Geoff Arnold of Joker Machine also makes time toparticipate in the action on his own Pro Modified bike. The Joker MachinePro Modified class is one of the toughest classes in AHDRA competition, withfull fields of entries at nearly every event.
The activities for the All American Cycle Northwest Nationals presented byJoker Machine will get underway Sept. 6, when All AmericanCycle hosts the official AHDRA Kick-Start party. There will be plenty of funfor racing fans, including drag bike displays and the finals of the “MissAll American Cycle” Bikini Contest. The contest winner will present theaward trophies to race winners at Woodburn Dragstrip.
Other exciting news from the All American Cycle Northwest Nationalspresented by Joker Machine includes a newly formed ride titled,LiverPalooza1. It is a ride designed after the infamous “Love Ride” in LosAngeles and is being headed up by 98.7/KUPL Radio to benefit awareness ofHepatitis C. Susan Barr, morning show host on KUPL, was stricken with thedisease and with help from country singer Naomi Judd’s doctor, who alsosuffers from Hepatitis C, Barr is in remission.
Barr’s morning show co-host, Lee Rogers of KUPL, vowed to put a charityevent together that would bring about awareness and help find a cure thatthreatened the life of his friend and co-worker. On Sept. 8,the ride will begin at Columbia Harley-Davidson in Vancouver, Wash. Thepolice-escorted ride will travel down I-5 to the Woodburn Dragstrip for theNorthwest Nationals. After the AHDRA qualifying session, participants willenjoy a free concert by Monument Records recording star Billy Ray Cyrus.Cyrus will also serve as the ride’s grand marshal. For moreinformation on the LiverPalooza1 Ride, contact Lee Rogers at (503) 497-2364, orColumbia Harley-Davidson at (360) 695-8831.
For more information on the All American Cycle Northwest Nationals presentedby Joker Machine, contact AHDRA at (336) 924-2095, or visit www.ahdra.com.
DISNEY CHARACTER STUDY–Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods whensuddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding aswordto her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!”
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into herpicnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said,”Noyou’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”
SONNY BARGER SELLING MOTORCYCLE– Sonny is selling the 2000 Road King that he road across the country for his book signing tour. Check it out on eBay. Actually, not a bad price for the bike either. Should be interesting to see how high the bidding goes.Check It Out Here
–Ted
MORE NEWS ON THE CHIEF–On the news stands now: Rolling Stone magazine (#877, Sept. 13, Britney cover, page 48) finally rolls out the article Herb Gold wrote about Sonny more than a year ago, with old and new photos by Gene Anthony. It should give the youngsters something to wonder about.
The U.S. paperback edition of “Hell’s Angel” will be released in late September. In October, Sonny will appear for book signings in the southeastern states of Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina and South Carolina, ending at Daytona for Biketoberfest. Details are still being worked out, and when the itinerary is firm it will be posted and you will be notified by e-mail.
For those who do not think screen savers should be silent, there are new SonnySaver editions with sound. Download and hear some of Sonny’s most memorable quotes:http://sonnybarger.com/scr
BUSTED BUELL REPORT–Are we gonna see pictures of the duct-taped Buell with urinal biscuits taped to your knees? Cable TV sucks, get out of bed….besides, I have pictures of Layla. She’s not gonna want to hang out with a guy with bedsores.
–Flynch
I’ve been running laps ever since I got home. Yes, there will be busted Buell reports coming up, ya nosey bastard.–Bandit
BIKERNET SALOON ANNOUNCEMENT–A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quietrural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender,who comes over immediately. When he arrives, sheseductively signals that he should bring his facecloser to hers. When he does so, she begins to gentlycaress his full beard. “Are you the manager?” sheasks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Can you get him forme? I need to speak to him,” she says,running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is thereanything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to givehim a message,” she continues huskily, popping a coupleof fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suckthem gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartendermanages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “There is notoilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
NABISCO PRESENTS BAG GUYS AND CORN NUTS– If you ride a motorcycle, then you just may be keeping some pretty interesting company, at least according to Nabisco and Kraft Foods. Nabisco’s “Corn Gone Wrong” promotion, hoping to give its Cornnuts snacks a new image, shows cartoonish characters in three “hardcore” scenes: as the devil, as criminals in jail, and in one more example of something gone wrong, on motorcycles.
What the hell? If we don’t have a bad image, cagers will be running over us constantly. Let the world know, we’re not to be fucked with.
BIKERNET DRINKING REQUIREMENTSSean got home in the early hours of the morning aftera night at the local pub. He made such a rackethitting the furniture as he weaved his waythrough the house, that he woke up the missus.
“Whaton earth are you doing down there?” she yelled downfrom the bedroom. “Get yourself up here to bed anddon’t wake the neighbors.”
“I’m trying to get abarrel of Guinness up the stairs,” he shouted.
“Leaveit ’till the morning,” she shouted down.”I can’t,” he said. “I’ve drank it!”
–Bikernet Morale Officer
BIKERNET SOCIAL ETIQUETTEHave you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mailin there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my checkwhen I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could youthrow this away for me? Thank You.”
I’M OUTTA HERE–I can’t take it. The brothers are waiting in dowtown San Pedro, where all the antique cars and hot rods are lined up. I’ve got two women clamoring around the house and a funeral to attend tomorrow. I need a shot, some fresh air and a break from the computer. Have a helluva weekend.
–Bandit
