We covered the Smoke Out 2009 DVD, DarkTown Strutters, a Movie from 1975 and an Eating Biker's Road Guide from the South
What the hell, it's raining outside. The gloom is ominous and working in the shop on a chopper is out of the question. It's almost on the eve of New Years 2010 and the intrepid Bikernet staff never stops.
DVDs pile up around the dusty Bikernet headquarters, until they scream at us to be cleaned or watched. Finally, one night during the holidays we heard a baseball bat smack the ship's bell on the Bikernet gate and gunshots rang out over our Wilmington Ghetto, on the edge of the Los Angeles Harbor. It could only be two things, a lost and angry Longshoreman or a member of Commander Edge's SmokeOut Security Team. I suddenly felt obliged to watch the 2009 SmokeOut DVD.
“WELCOME TO THE SECRET WORLD OF UNDERGROUND CHOPPERS,” said the evil commander of Smoke Out West, then SmokeOut East and the dred Long Road in between. If you don't know anything about these events, you might buy the DVD quick. If you're a chopper/bobber/bare bones bike nut, this is your event. It reminds me some of the original chopper rallies in the '70s. They are dirty, and as gritty as the bikes in attendance. It's about standing around the fire with a bottle of whiskey telling stories until daylight.
It's about doodle-bug races around the motel parking lot and the girls. A lot more girls attend this event over one or two scurvy broads in the '70s, and these chicks have more tattoos.
“Here are three of Michael Lichter's photos. He is freaking awesome,” said Edge. “These were taken at the Smoke Out while they were shooting the DVD.” Does the DVD capture the essence of the SmokeOut, or the Long Road, cross-country ride across the country to the SmokeOut East? I don't think it did a stellar job, on the other hand, who expected Francis Ford Coppola to direct the SmokeOut DVD for 2009. I'm sure everyone who made that wild run across the country and every party in-between, will keep one of these close to the boob-tube. And if you're a newbie and want to check the action prior to taking on the adventure of a cross-country run with cracked sparkplug wires and a leaky gas tank, this is your indoctrination film.
So have at it. Buy the DVD, weld up your tank, rattle can the paint and get ready to ride.
What registration gets you: A wristband that will get you into as many of the events along the way, as I can arrange with no cover (or as little cover) as I can manage. This gets you out of almost all of the fees and cover charges during the week.
The idea is to get the Long Road riders out of those type cost. Another sponsor is considering giving free T-shirts for all the registered Long Road riders.
Nothing happens according to Hoyle at the Bikernet Headquarters. As we watched this DVD, we fell into a long discussion about motorcycle DVDs and how they try to explain the wild unruly action through lackluster interviews. They usually fail miserably to capture the action, instead they try to explain it. Or too often the director decides to gloss over the wild footage and try to make a bunch of bikers appear as straights, on a tour. Ho-hum, boring shit.
We turned off the DVD player, poured another glass of whiskey and flipped to Turner Movie Classics, just as the next movie rolled through their credits. Turner needs a major award for keeping this station alive without commercials. Robert Osborn, the host, plays one stellar classic film after another, and occasionally they touch on B-movies from the '70s.
I turn to station 132 just as DarkTown Strutters rock and roll kick-off footage filled the screen. Cut in 1975, this black biker-broad film was the Animal House, black broad James Bond, slap-stick, mad-cap, R&B classic. I have never seen or heard of this flick before, and it's a metalflake VW trike nightmare, with three wild, dancing chicks running amuck on the streets of LA. Here's how a Movie Guide describes the film:A tough biker gang comprised of African-American women heads off to find a member's mother and her abductor in this exploitation comedy ostensibly designed to make fun of racial stereotypes. The film was later renamed Get Down and Boogie. ~ Sandra Brennan, All Movie Guide
Here's some clips from a film review:
The tasty dish that makes up the bulk fiber of Darktown Strutters is one that has soaked up the juices of '70s non-PC Blaxploitation (I know I’m not the only one who is Of a Certain Age who remembers when the term “Afro-American” wasn’t anathema…not that Darktown Strutters gives a flying fuck about such niceties).
Nightmares in which you’ll flash back to things you’ve seen in the movie, such as:
* Bank-robbing pimp daddies.
* A sign of a speedo-wearing pig, the mascot of Sky Pig, where you’ll get a free watermelon with every bucket of ribs sold. (As an aside, Mr. Gimp and I both read the sign as saying “Slay Pig,” not “Sky Pig”…that’s some poor signage there.)
* Louisville Cross’s southern plantation, across from a strip mall in downtown L.A., complete with cotton fields and watermelon patches.
* A woman dressed up as Aunt Jemima and a man dressed up like Uncle Ben (these are Cross’s house servants…Syreena and company are later able to invade Cross’s house by using oversized pancakes Jemima provides to them).
* Motorcycle-riding klansmen (complete with oversized crosses as their sissy bars). (The Grand Dragon-red robe-wearing one also wears frilly red panties.)
* A Superfly Lite ice cream man who specializes in potsicles.
* A truly gratuitous lip synch extravaganza by 70s funky soulsters The Dramatics of their hit single “What You See Is What You Get,” who are being held prisoner by Cross.
* Some truly ugly-ass clothes…I swear, there was stuff Rudy Ray Moore would’ve been ashamed to wear.
The movie also features T.C. from Magnum, P.I. as Mellow the Love Machine. And there’s a character named V.D. who has to shoot you with a turkey baster/oversized syringe of fluid after he touches you. (At one point V.D. is used to shake down the pimp daddy of the mobile brothel of the movie.)
There you have it. You can order the SmokeOut 2009 DVD, or drive yourself mad watching DarkTown Strutters. It's sorta like reds and whiskey. If one doesn't do the trick the other will knock you out.
The SmokeOut DVD is for sale ($18 plus $ 2 shipping if you are in the US) on the website:
Darktown Strutters
Directed by William Witney
Written by George Armitage
Starring Trina Parks, Norman Bartold, Roger Mosley
PG • 1975 • 90 minutes
And Now a Book Review, Motorcycle Journeys Through the American Southby Scott Cochran
Scott Cochran’s motto is “ride to eat, eat to ride” and in this book he shows you both great places to eat and great rides. Having traveled down a few of the roads he describes, I feel that he has captured the essence of the southern experience.
Interspersed with humor and recipes Mr. Cochran ambles his way from town to town, (or should I say restaurant to restaurant ), and gives a lesson on the way. There are accounts of Civil War events, coon dog hunting, southern cornbread, enormous alligators and the capture of fugitives from justice just to name of few of the interesting tidbits he includes in his road trips.
The book is small enough you can carry it in your saddle bag if you want to take it on your trip so you don't forget any of the side roads. There are numerous pictures of the places he visited as well as lots of maps. The only problem I found was trying to follow his directions and find the exact road numbers on the maps, sometimes they don’t coincide. But with detailed instructions he leads you along the roads and lets you know, down to the tenth of a mile, where the turns are, just so you don’t miss anything.
My advice is before you start reading the stories of the tours turn to page 245 and read the short chapters on Southern expressions, heat & humidity, animals, insects, etc and flags. You will understand the book better if you know the lingo, read and learn.
My favorite part of the book was his description of the Natchez Trace. I know exactly what he meant when he described the feeling of tranquility he had while riding this beautiful road. It is so peaceful and serene and without all the hassle of excess traffic that I too consider it one of the best in the south.
So, over the winter, grab a copy, sit back and read tales of adventure, love, mystery and just plain good old home cookin’. Not a bad way to spend a cold winters night (or two) and dream of riding the Tail of the Dragon when the weather warms and once again traveling the road less traveled, as Mr. Cochran leads you on a tour of the great American South.
Whitehorse Press
$24.95 (paperback) 244 pages (with lots of good pictures)
–Reviewed by Camy
